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Y'ALL KNOW BEST!!!!!
December 31, 2005
1:21 pm
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ineedtoloveme
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Last March my boyfriend and I discovered he was a sex addicts (he confessed some hideous things to me). He went to ONE meeting. I agreed to stay with him - if we had open, honest communication-went he first told me we talked for days - it was like a floodgate opened up for him.But since he first told me about it-NOTHING-all of a sudden he no longer has a desire for porn, strip clubs, masturbating or other women! Of course if he no longer has the desire for those things- than their are no addicted behavorial to talk to me about! I am talking about a full blown addict-He was diagnose by a therapist as being a addict and bi-polar. If you are wondering why only one meeting- I will say in his defense he works 2 full time jobs and go to school-he is 38 years old.My questions-
Why won't he talk to me?
What is the chance he is still "acting out"?
Everytime I ask him why he doesn't talk to me-he says because he don't have the desire to "act out" anymore.There have been a couple of incidents I found questionable but he made up some excuses for them- what do I do? Trust him and wait or move on? I have to admit these last 8 months he has treated me like gold. Excuse the ramblings of this thread but I need advice.

December 31, 2005
2:29 pm
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Anonymous
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Only he knows why he won't talk to you - I wish I could answer that one.

There probably is a chance he is still acting out - probably outside the home (in the car, in a bathroom or something)

I think that most addicts NEED/REQUIRE more than one meetig to be "fixed" - most need weekly support to curb those "cravings" - and I generalize, because this is true for any addiction - sex, drugs, alcohol or whatever. People who get sober without going to a meeting are termed "dry drunk" because they may not drink, but the behaviours and thoughts that made them drink are still there...and usually it's HARDER to deal with them when they aren't going to a meeting to learn how to cope and get support.

you mentioned a therapist diagnosis - is he seeing one and is he on meds for the bipolar? Bipolar people DEFINITELY need medication to stabilize their mood swings. And again, therapy is critical for support and to learn how to cope.

What does your gut say? In the end - you need to listen to your heart, your mind and your gut. Do you think he's acting out behind your back? What kind of suspicious stuff did you find? Did his explanation seem rational?

I think in the end, it's possible to stay - but perhaps you need a codependent's anonymous meeting to learn how to focus on your wants and needs and rely less on him meeting your needs. To learn how to "detach" when he acts like this. To learn how not to take it personally.

The one thing I caution is staying with him if he is messing with other women in person - because of the fear of disease.

I also wonder if he has replaced one addiction with another?...sometimes workaholism is an addiction - and he may have replaced his sex addiction by working so much he doesn't have time to let his mind wander. But working too much is also an addiction.

One way or another, he should be in a support group or therapy - cuz his addictive behaviour needs that to recover.

December 31, 2005
3:53 pm
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Mishy2sons
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My first husband was a sex addict. He watched pornographic videos in private, masturbated over magazine photographs, and frequented topless bars, peep shows and glory holes behind my back.

We were young people in our twenties then. Yet, we went for periods of 3 months or more at a time without any sexual contact between us because he was getting satisfaction elsewhere.

I felt tremendous pressure to look like his porno queens. My weight dropped to 94 lbs, yet I was still too fat and not sexy enough for him. He bought me sexy lingerie and hot clothes, but I never looked perfect. I never looked like the girls in his magazines.

As his addiction spiraled out of control, he became a peeping Tom and a flasher (exposer). He was genuinely sick! I finally found the strength to leave that marriage.

Thankfully, that was his wake-up call. He found the strength to enter therapy and is now happily married and presumably engaged in healthy sexual relations with his wife.

He was very secretive and hid his addiction very well. I suspect that your boyfriend is probably still engaged in unhealthy sexual practices. He just doesn't want to discuss it with you. No offense, but you probably are not he one he should be talking to anyway. He needs a therapist.

Please remember that his addiction and acting out are not a reflection of you. Don't internalize this, as I did, or allow it to destroy your self-esteem.

He isn't craving porn because you are not an air-brushed swimsuit model. He isn't masturbating because he isn't having satisfying sex with you. It is all much more complicated than that. His behavoirs have little or nothing to do with you.

I suspect that he is somewhat embarassed by his addiction and is uncomfortable sharing all the details, even with you. Asking him to report to you is codependant controling behavior. This is a trap that you do not want to fall into. You can't control him.

I'll try to use an analogy. Pretend that you are obese. There are no medical reasons for this and it is simply the problem of soothing your emotions with overeating (the sex addict soothes his emotions with the sexual behaviors).

You want to change. You want to lose weight. You don't like what the extra weight is doing to yourself. You hate stuffing yourself with sugary, fatty foods that have no nutritional value and only bring on headaches, tummy aches and more weight. You hate that you stuff yourself to stuff your emotions and stop yourself from feeling pain.

Every morning when you awaken, he is there watching what you eat for breakfast. He meets you for lunch just to make sure that you are heading for the local vegetarian joint and not Mickey D's.

He prepares your supper and again watches as you eat. He asks you for a daily report. Demanding, "Did you sneak a donut at the office conference?" "What did you eat today?" "Are you sticking to your diet?" "How much have you lost so far?"

He is so controling and overbearing that you actually begin to sneak food! You hide candy bars beneath the underclothes in your top drawer. There are bags of chips stashed under the seats of your car. You eat junk foods from the vendng machines at work.

You hate this. You hate your sneaking around. You hate what you are doing, but you can't seem to help yourself and though he believes he is helping, he is only making it worse.

Addictions are addictions are addictions and codependant behavior is codependant behavior! Don't engage in it!

Only you can decide if it is time to move on. Whether you choose to stay or to leave. You need to do what your name says. You need to love you. Try focusing on yourself instead of him. You'll eventually know what to do.

Peace,
Mishy

December 31, 2005
3:59 pm
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sdesigns
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Sex addiction almost ALWAYS is a result of some abuse in childhood, perhaps sexual abuse. Until he gets to the root of the problem and understands it, gets therpay, engages in a 12 step program, he will not overcome it. It is a life long problem and hard to control just like any other addiction. Some say it is one of the hardest.

If you would like to read more about it, there is a book by Dr. Patrick Carnes called "Out of the Shadows". It speaks of the many categories of sex addiction as well as recovery methods. Hope this helps. ~SD~

December 31, 2005
4:51 pm
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ineedtoloveme
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Something led me to this website. Y'all are awesome! I wanted help with figuring out what he was doing wrong but- you all made me see what I was doing wrong- NOT TAKING CARE OF ME! I can't control him - only me!
I know what I am going to do now. I am not in a position to move out - but I do have an extra bedroom that I can move into.My boyfriend told me he would start weekly meetings in a month, also he became a born again christian six months ago. We both know what started his addictive behavorial (he was molested for 3 years- 11 to 14 - by a woman old enough to be his grandmother!)It wasn't until he met me that he realized he was being molested - he made himself believe he was a big 11 year old stud.But I did agree to give him six months before I made a final decision. In the meantime I plan to start a small jewelry design business (I make my own jewelry). This way at the end of six months if things don't work out I will have something to fall back on and I won't be putting all my energy into watching and waiting on him to "act out" again.
Also the house and car he solely in my name (he insisted for my protection). He also gives me all the money-so I can have my own private nest egg.
Thank you everyone

December 31, 2005
5:30 pm
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Mishy2sons
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Good for you! Best wishes!

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