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YAHHHOOOO! A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!
September 2, 2005
12:05 am
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BOO_la_Rei
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September 30, 2010
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I think, and feel like my DH and I made a step in the right direction tonight. It all started with an arguement that we have had numerous times. this is how it goes " urgh " the husband says, as he picks up a packet of pills off the counter and puts them up on the shelf. "how hard is it for you to understand that it is not ok for those to be anywhere near where our daughter might get ahold of them?" So, ok I know he is absolutley 100% right and I am so wrong and defensive for saying "whatever, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU TAKEN PILLS AWAY FROM HER HUH, HUH, HUH?!" I think about it with shame and wonder why the heck I always answered him in this way each and every time that he mentioned it. LOL, so finally, I just grabbed all the pills off the shelf, the shelf is on our kitchen counter by the way, I grabbed all the pills and brought them into the bathroom, all the while we were still argueing the point of keeping dangerous things out of her reach, I said "THERE MR. HIGH AND MIGHTY, THEY ARE IN THE FRIGGIN BATHROOM! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?" so he says, yeah as long as they dont get spread all over the counter in there too...
the point of me tellin all this is because at this point in the conversation I said "look Joe, this is crazy, look at us, we cant even discuss somthing as basic and simple as our daughters saftey withour personal issues comming into it". he says "yeah your issues, I dont have any issues" So I took a deep breath and said "look, do you want this to work, I mean us, our life together, our family do you want to live your life with me or not?" He said .. after hesitation and some himming and hawwing, yes I do want a happy family. so I said, ok, then would you please answer me about going to counseling? He got defensive and .. well I dont really recall the conversation untill he said " I am not going to counseling any time soon" I said, well I believe that it is the only way that we will learn to communicate effectively to one another, I said, "I need you to hear from someone else how I feel, what I need, what I expect, what I resent, and so fourth, I need someone else to verify my feelings to you, verify my reasoning to you, I need someone to help me clarify my own messages.
Right then I saw a light go on in his head, and one in his eyes and I know this was the moment he opened up. we had a very long discussion about the preliminary issues like .. my environment reflecting my emotional well bieing and how that is totally unfair to Him and elaina. I told him that I am not that strong, I am not that person, I cannot pretend that things are ok when I feel terrible. I told him that when I feel terrible and depressed, the most I can do is the minimum of living and taking care of our baby.. clean baby clean clothes 3 meals 1 nap so fourth you get the picture.
He seemed to accept that. so I told him that what I needed from him was for him to recognize when the house becomes disarrayed , that it is time for him to ask me what is going on, what is wrong, what is stressfull, do I need a hug, a kiss, etc., He said he thought that that was a way for me to make him responsable for my feelings, and I told him that I think it is a passive agressive way for me to communicate to him taht I need more attention and understanding from him.
At the end of the night, We agreed that tomorrow, when I take my daughter to the doc I will ask him to pull some strings and get us into see a marriage counselor asap.
we are very fortunate to have a wonderful family doc that truly cares and tries to help in any wqay that he can.
Anyway, I feel good after this 2 hour discussion we had, I feel like we both unloaded alot of baggage in a good way. I heard myself asking him how he felt, why did he feel that way, I felt myself understanding that he has emotional needs too. I feel pretty dern proud, now, I need to do next, as it seems like a 180 from the first post I put up.. I hope no one here thinks I am a total whack job lol.. I am really really trying to GROW UP AND BE AN ADULT IN AN ADULT, FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP. I feel like, after reading about 100 posts last night that I gained a couple of tools and used them today!
well all its late here now and my med is kicked in my eyelids weigh a ton, I can
t wait for all yer feedback!

September 4, 2005
4:10 pm
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BOO_la_Rei
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the rest of the story

September 4, 2005
4:37 pm
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Shaney
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Hi Boo - I just replied last night to another post about communication... not sure if you saw it (considering you read over 100 🙂 posts last night), but see below. It seems to apply to your situation as well. I'm glad that you found it within yourself to attempt a really healthy conversation. Doesn't it feel great?!! At first, when you approached your bf in the new and improved way, he still wanted to be defensive.. he still had that bite. But as soon as he realized, that you were including his feelings and needs in the situation, he backed off a little. I think it's GREAT. Believe me, I think with good communication, you can go the distance. Keep it up.. and don't save your new tools for an argument or big discussion... use it ALL of the time. Hear what he says, as well as FEEL what he says - and help him do the same for you. We're so caught up with WHAT they do (actions) - without ever asking them directly, why they do it and how it makes us feel. Good luck boo. Let me know how it goes. Anyway... the post below:

I really believe in my heart, that everyone has the ability to have a civil conversation. Now, some may have to dig REALLY deep to find the tools but I still believe it's possible. My boyfriend and I used to have the same type of arguments, about the same things, that used to end up the same way every time. But what were we to expect? If you bake a cake using the same ingredients time after time, you get the same cake. When you want a different cake, you use different ingredients. It's the same when approaching an issue. When my bf and I had finally had enough, we started to break down the "ingredients" of our arguments. We both agreed that the APPROACH, the TONE of our voices, and discussing feelings rather than blame, were the things that we needed to change in order to get a different outcome. And I'm glad to say that we argue less, and argue better than we ever have.

If you don't know how your husband wants to be approached to avoid pushing those anger buttons, then ask him. Aside from it being a great tool for you, it will make him feel that you respect his feelings and are not just coming at him, firing off round after round. Good communication really is the key.

Love - Shaney

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