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Y do I hate to talk to him, hate not to talk to him
May 2, 2007
11:44 am
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_anonymous
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I left my alchoholic drinking, narcotic taking, mentally abusive, irrational, irresponsible, unreliable husband. I hate to talk to him when he calls because he is not dealing with the issues, just talks about his issues and says he has no clue how to fix our issues and then screams at me if I point out what he is doing wrong that caused me to leave or what he needs to do to improve things which results in me hanging up the phone. He calls and just says hi, how are you and thats it (does not address the fact I left). So I dont like to talk to him because it does not accomplish anything in regards to improving our marriage. I have even shut my phone off to listen to messages that just say I love you. When he doesnt call I feel bad. WHY.

May 2, 2007
12:51 pm
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mj
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Hi Destiny Star,

Have you attended al-anon or nar-anon meetings? In the meetings they teach you to keep the focus on yourself.

If you use I statements and ask for what you need it helps. You can't control anyone but yourself. When he calls you, you feel loved even if he isn't doing what you want him to do. You at least feel loved. That's my guess!

May 2, 2007
1:02 pm
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atalose
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Most likely you feel bad when he doesn't call because that is your only reassurance that he is thinking of you and reaching out in a way. It may be the only way right now he knows how to show love towards you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 2, 2007
1:19 pm
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_anonymous
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to mj, I will look into alanon. Moved away. Considering going back into my nursing career after not working for 3 years or so. It is true that I feel that his calls make me feel wanted.

To atalose. You are right this is the only thing he can think of doing to maintain a relationship. He keeps saying I dont know what I am doing wrong I dont know what to do.

May 2, 2007
1:26 pm
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mj
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Leaving your husband was a very difficult decision for you. Taking care of ourselves is so important.

I am married to a man who likes to drink. He has had 3 Dui's in his life. He says he is not an alcoholic. He gets to make that call.

I get to take care of myself! I still remain with my husband. I get to choose. At first I lived away from him more than with him. We went to marriage counseling, I attended 2-3 meetings a week. What I learned is that I can change my behaviors, reactions, attitudes, and responses. I cannot change my hubby. He gets to decide what he wants out of life. If I decide that living with him is too much. I can start my life over. Its a very hard decision. It takes a lot of courage. I hope that you check into a support group and learn how to have healthy relationships. I go to Coda now. I like that the only requirement is a desire for healthy and fulfilling relationships.

I believe that until I love myself fully, I will never be able to have a healthy relationship. I have learned many unhealthy behaviors during my lifetime, and I am becoming responsible for changing the ones that don't work for me today. Good Luck to you

May 2, 2007
1:53 pm
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_anonymous
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MJ- Thanks for the responce I wrote some of the stuff down. I cant live with him b/c I have 2 boys 7 & 13 that are not his that he was being mean to and upsetting with his unpredictable, irrational behavior. In the short period of time that we have been away I see a dramatic improvement in my children as individuals and my relationship with them as well. I just feel normal. Not wonderful, not depressed. Just calm. There are moments like when I wake up in the morning and before I go to bed at night that I think about my husband. I talk to him at least once a day but I do not take every call just to let him know that I am not at his beck and call. I have just gone into listening what he says mode with an uh, huh, uh, huh and no other reaction. Just reports his day to me that is about it. I let him know that I am continuing with my life down here and all is well. Dont want to waste my time getting dramatic because it will interfere with all the progress I am making. What is the point, deep down inside I know no matter what he says he is a million miles away from actually getting off of drugs and alchol much less doing one other thing that would make him appear to be a caring, responsible human being. I just tell him that his lifestyle is not for me and mine is not for him. As time goes by the process gets easier. But it is not over. I know when it gets to the point where I dont hear from him again or he moves on I will feel bad. That is what I am trying to avoid being around when that day comes. That is why I want to bow out now. But its hard. Hard to let go of the last thing we have between us which is him calling me.

May 2, 2007
2:36 pm
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mj
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(((destinystar))))

I am so glad that you are taking good care of your children. Your story is an inspiration of what a good parent does. Change is hard and loss needs to be grieved and there are no guarantees in life.

Glad you shared and are reaching out to others for support.

May 2, 2007
3:29 pm
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_anonymous
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MJ thank you for taking the time to respond to my rants. Instead of dwelling on this dysfunctional destructive relationship I put my thoughts out here so I can get the support that I need. My children are irreplacable, priceless. I could not live with ever loosing one of them. On the other hand, this husband of mine is worthless. The children are the main reason why I could never even consider going around this man ever again. He tried his best to get inbetween them and I. I told him that no matter what he could never come inbetween my children and I. That I would always put them first. Whenever he would say he did not like my children I would tell him that they did not like them either. That was the worst part about this man, his piss poor interaction with the kids. His 2 daughters left him about 6 months ago because he was treating them so badly. I am going to look into that alanon codependent thing. I know it would be good for me.

May 2, 2007
3:33 pm
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mj
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I agree that children are priceless!
Take Care and remember you are priceless too!

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