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X and Old renewed boyfriend issue....
September 2, 2005
9:10 am
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My soon to be X blames "R" for our break-up, all the fights we've ever had, and generally anything that went wrong in our 11 year relationship. I DID do wrong by keeping in touch with "R" over the years and not devoting my entire emotional self to my marriage, I accept that responsiblity and know the hurt and pain I"ve caused everyone because of it. However, X and have I remained mostly civil and sometimes friendly during this divorce, should be final in Oct-God willing-and he's now showing his anger and hostility towards "R". I won't let "R" come down here to see me while the divorce is not final, he won't anyway but how do I handle it once it is? I have to be in contact with X because we have a child together and truthfully it hurts me that he's so angry and bitter and now states that he doesn't even want to be friends! "R" and I plan on trying to put US back together after the divorce and I need some advice or serious help on how to keep these two from trying to "kill" each other when and if they meet. It could happen, and wouldn't be pretty if they did. As I've said, nothing would happen until the divorce is final so I'd be ok there but I'm afraid X would use my child as a means to control what I do with my life now that he's gone and moved on with the woman he left me for. That scares me. He has primary custody and I'm just afraid of what would happen when he finds out "R" and I are seeing each other.
HELP!!!

September 2, 2005
9:32 am
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here is the email I sent him and his reply:
I hope you can get past all this negative stuff, it's NOT healthy for anyone and makes you bitter towards me and that's not good for our separate futures or K(our daughter). We can't be married but we are trying to be friends right? I hope that if_I'm saying this and am NOT being mean, nasty or vindictive_I hope that if you and b don't work out, it's sooner than later~ before you've invested your heart any more than you already have. I don't know where you and she stand, it's none of my business and hurts me to even think about it, but if her wishes and wants for "family" & etc.. are higher than what you can give or ever expect to, I hope that it would be now so your hurt would be less. It scares me that you might have just jumped into this with her so you could move our issues and hurt aside and forget sometimes. You've told me time and time again to find a good person and start a healthy relationship, I wish you the same and if she's it, then may God be with the both of you on your life journey together.

but if something should happen, I would be here for you ~ you know that right? I think sometimes that we will make better friends than a married couple. I won't owe you explanations about my life,or you to me about yours, and we'd have a level of closeness but not so close as to be able to hurt each other.ya know? You could be my first guy friend, that I can really talk to and you wouldn't pass or hold judgment on me because we aren't married anymore but would tell me the straight scoop. Like if I was screwing up or doing something potentially not real smart. I'd like to know I could come to you and you'd be there to listen. Or is that weird to have your X husband give you advice? Hell, It's not that I'd call you all the time or invade your space with your new wife, family etc..
It would just be nice to know I COULD call.

I know I've hurt you and my codependency wants to "fix" the hurt. I'm responsible and accept that now. It's not something I'm proud of but am willing to admit that what I did was wrong and caused a LOT of hurt and tears all the way around. Guess that's MY karma. I've hurt so many people. I can't ever make it up, and saying I'm sorry doesn't seem enough.

May b have the patience and ability to help you thru this and if she can't,
be woman enough to let you go and not keep you just because she needs you. It's nice to be needed but there is so much more that you can offer to a relationship. I needed you but wouldn't let you see that. I thought you would think me weak and incapable.

I wish you the same peace and calmness you've wished for me. We both deserve it.
Remember I love you. and am your friend. I won't stand for anyone to hurt you like I did. Nobody deserves that twice in a lifetime..I know.
Kinda cheesy, but "I've got your back" and NO , there's not a knife in my hand!!
I hope someday you can trust me and know that I'm not out to be nasty or bitter towards you or anyone in your life. I want you to be happy. I hope you can do the same for me. I hurt, but time and God's love will heal me. I want to earn the trust from you that I threw away while we were married, I'd like you to see that I'm not such a terrible person.

I hope you and b have a nice long weekend together.

Have a good day, See you at 4:30 at your house.
Love ya! 🙂

HIS RESPONSE:The more I think about it and talk to others, I dont think I care to be friends with you. I wish you well and all that jazz, but R being a part of our marriage and the reason for the two seperations, my moving across country, indirectly my financial ruin and I am expected to tolerate your continued involvement as he is now free to carry on now that the marriage is destroyed....well it just defeats my feelings of being civil. Perhpas its my testosterone level...and it very well could be, but Ive had and heard enough. Its time for me to start tring to arrange to get the remainder of my things from there and with the exception of K, get you out of my life for good, otherwise, Im very likely to continue with this hate inside...and lord help me if I were to drive by and find him there before the dovorce is finalized...but that is why I just need to forget you exist except for your occassional interation with K.

September 2, 2005
4:14 pm
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just bumping, I need help!!

September 2, 2005
4:36 pm
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Hello. WOw. I think that was great email, but still it leads me to believe that you still have strong feelings for your husband. It sounds as if you are trying to win his affection. It is ok to be friends after the divorce because you do share a child and course getting along goes a long way after a divorce. I do not see that he is bitter person. But it is his life from now on and you have your own now. I have read somewhere that after a divorce to have limited contact or even no contact (but you have a child, so that is out) for at least 3 to 6 months, be civil and that way both of you have that distance and to start fresh to heal from wounds. No matter if it is friendly divorce or bitter it is still hard process. He is bitter, I can see from his response and you are wanting to get rid of your guilt you are holding inside. But guilt is useless emotion. As codependents, we are always trying to smooth things over to almost any lengths. It was a bit sad to read yours compared to his. He wants nothing to do with you and you ended it with the love ya. He has moved on, you have not. I hope you really do want to be with the X, I would not hide your relationship but I would not flaunt it either. I definately would keep a distance between the two men for awhile. Your X is very angry right now.

September 2, 2005
8:53 pm
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See, I knew I needed some good advice, you should read the other emails, I"ve TONS.

He says he's thru with me now. He wants no contact except in regards to our child, maybe that's for the best.
It still hurts like hell though, I feel very overwhelmed right now...

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