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wow! i'm codependent!
May 17, 2005
12:13 am
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bug22
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so... i've never done anything like this before. i've never actually posted on an internet site ever. but i guess there is a first time for everything and this seems like a good time. so i've known that i was codep. for a while now, four years i guess. but life gets in the way and i got busy with everyone else's problems. imagine that! my sig. other is a drug addict and that pretty much took a lot of my time. but of course i didn't mind. i liked feeling needed and taking care of him. but the sane part of me knew it was crazy to be going to such lengths for this person who cared more about getting high than about his family. so loooong story short. we don't live together anymore, i started seeing someone new and that is where the real problems began. i couldn't handle being in a healthy, functioning relationship! i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop; and when it didn't i would get anxious and depressed. i started to miss the ex terribly. so i did a horrible thing. i broke it off with the new person and i told the ex i still love him and i want to move back to where he is. of course being a little dependent himself he thinks this is a great idea! and now it's all set. i quit my job, i packed my things and i leave on wednesday. one problem... i am a codependent! this is a very irrational and bad decision on my part. sooo, after a long talk with my wonderful best friend i have admitted to myself that i am a codependent person and that i need to take some time. however! as soon as i talk to the ex on the phone tonight i know that without a doubt i will be moving back to him and this issue will once again be put away, only to rear it's ugly head sometime down the road. so that's my story. i prob. forgot to mention the manipulitive mother that is a force greater than nature when it comes to my decision making. but i'll save that special treat for a later date. thanks for listening.

May 17, 2005
1:58 am
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Cinamac
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Once we recognise codependency within us, one would think it it half the battle.

Sigh.

Even the best intentioned and desparately wanted change from a codependant to an independent and finally a interdependent person is a long, slow and ever evolving path. That's why thinking we can change someone who doesn't want to is so crazy and counterproductive, not only to them, but to our own growth.

Sigh.

Good luck. It is hard to move forward with an addict, however, you may need to learn a few more lessons before you proceed on your path. All the best.

May 22, 2005
3:39 pm
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lester
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this is my 1st visit. ive just started dealing with my codependcy, anxiety, depression and family history. my doc encourages me to start some type of meetings (aa/alnon) although i only have family history. is this good idea. im having lots of anxiety/panic and new phobias, any suggestions.

May 22, 2005
7:21 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Welcome newbies !!

I think that you will find many here who can relate to the issues you've all brought up.

bug22 - If you've been questioning whether or not you are a true-blue coda, question no more. If you haven't already, you might want to purchase a copy of Melodie Beatty's book, "Codependent No More" - ASAP. You've mentioned that you like feeling needed, that is one reason why you stay with him. Being needed is a good thing, but not when it keeps you locked into someone's addiction with them. To you it may seem easier not to have to make decisions about your life, everything is dictated by his habits. But look at the price you pay in the long run, you're given up freedom in all domains of your life.

Cinamac - So wise, so true.

lester - I would also suggest the same book. Many here have attended aa/alon meetings who could help you there better than I. Phobias generally are a tangible expression of our anxieties. Once you start "telling your story" and are free to vent, some of the anxiety and depression will be challenged as you go thru new stages of self-discovery. As Cinamac has mentioned, it sometimes seems like a long journey, but better than being stuck in a "parked car".

May 22, 2005
7:31 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Sorry, I should have explained about phobias better. In other words, say you have tons of anxiety built up. Anxiety differs from fear, because fear has a direct object, e.g., you are afraid of thunder, or trucks, or your daughter's driving habits. Anxiety, on the other hand, does not. It is this uncomfortable feeling of apprehension with no name and no object. With our human need for certainty, our minds focus on some handy object and we become anxious around it, although there is no logical reason to be anxious around it. Viola! We have a phobia!

When we decrease our anxiety, our phobias decrease.

Hope this helps,

CM

May 23, 2005
1:00 am
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ACryForHelp
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I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!

I am “lucky” in the fact that I forced my Ex to either stay and give up his Internet/Game Addiction and stop cyber cheating on me or leave!

I was then forced to move across the country since he also caused me to lose my job and move in with family!

For the first 4 months after the move I was STILL TALKING to him on the phone and even asked him to move to my new city so that we could work things out!!

I know that it was stupid but I wanted him back even though I KNEW he was a HORRIBLE PERSON that treated me like CRAP!

I am so terrified that I will hook up with someone else that will follow the pattern of psychological disorder! I can see myself ending up like chicks that only attract wife beaters! They look normal on the outside but you can smell their problems like pheromones!

My father is exactly like that! He is only attracted to blond women with mental problems and a chemical dependency!

At least I can admit my problems… That’s the first step on the road to recovery right??

I am still having horrible flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and nightmares about what he put me through but at least I am aware of my trauma and am working to fix it!

Also I am pretty sure that I latched so hard onto my Ex because he was the first man I had EVER met that I found attractive… So I am pretty sure that I was just trying to keep up an appearance of “Normality”. I still don’t feel strong enough to actively look for a relationship with a female but I am 99% sure that that is what I will end up doing.

I have been told by lots of people that I should go to Alca-non and AA and I realize that it would probably help but I don’t want religion shoved up my… um…or rather… down my through…

Wish me luck and Good luck to you as well!

At least you are strong enough to realize your problem!

May 23, 2005
1:03 pm
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katymay
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ACryForHelp,

whatever happened with your ex? how did you end things with him/

May 23, 2005
2:06 pm
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kathygy
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bug, if you go back to your drug addict ex you are setting yourself up for a lot of grief. It sounds like you are running back to something that is familiar even though it is highly destructive to you. Ask yourself if you want to grow and change vs. go backwards and suffer. Where is your recovery to you? If you follow this through you will be abandoning your inner child and de-valuing yourself. Love yourself enough not to do this. Make life-affirming choices. Make this the begining of your recovery by not going back to the drug addict.

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