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Wounded...kicked in the stomach again
April 9, 2005
2:34 am
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woundedspirit
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Those of you who know my situation know that, after 4 years of ups and downs and the past few months going really well with my ex, making me think we really had hope, he took a job across the country a few weeks ago. He is leaving in the morning early. We are supposed to be spending tonight together. Last night, we were supposed to spend together but directly after going to dinner with friends, he left. Claiming he wanted to go pack so he wouldnt have to tonight. Then today come to find out, he didnt pack last night! So we get to go do that later. Alittle upset he stood me up last night for it and then didnt even do it and wondering what that was about. Ok...fast forward to tonight. I made him a nice dinner. He came in all moody and quiet and not wanting to talk. Ok. Of course he's sad to be leaving everyone here. Understandable. We go to comedy. Laugh. Have a good time. But from the time he got to my house to dinner, his phone was ringing with calls and texts. He answered calls and kept messaging others. even answered a call in comedy. As soon as we got outside, another call. Its our last night ever together. Im feeling alittle down about it and not feeling very important since he keeps answering all these calls on our last few hours together. Keep in mind he has this other girl "friend" who he insists is only a friend and Im more special by far etc. He spent 5 hours with her the other night saying goodbye and ignored everyone, even my texts, during that whole time. So, Im sad wondering why he doesnt have that same respect for our last night together, after all weve been through and all Ive done for him. I didnt say anything until he noticed and got irritated and wanted to know. then I quietly and sadly said "Im alittle sad you keep answering calls and talking to others and Im never going to see you again." He FLIPPED!! We had been on our way to his house to pack and he flipped the car around and said "im taking you home. No way am I doing this. Im not putting up with anyones shit." I was stunned! Started crying and saying "please dont do this. Im not making a big deal. Just sad." He got so angry he pulled over on the freeway and got out!! (my car he was driving) and would not get back in! Yelled at me "my friends are all mad at me because they wanted to hang out with me tonight and I couldnt because I was hanging out with YOU!" I went home bawling. what else could I do? His car was parked in my garage so his friend had to bring him by for it. He wouldnt even look at me and was downright mean. Im sooooo incredibly devestated!! THIS is the man I love??? THIS is how he treats me on the last night Ill see him EVER?? Was I overreacting? I mean, one of the calls he answered is a guy who lives across the state who he never sees anyway and only talks online and on the phone with so my thoughts were...he will still talk to him same as always when he leaves but he will never again get to spend time with me. I didnt say it but I wondered...Cant he call these people in the morning while he has hours and hours and hours of driving? He yelled at me that Im so selfish blah blah blah. Am I? Was I out of line to be hurt by it?

April 9, 2005
3:25 am
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monk_volcano
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ok.. the only way you could be out of line by being hurt by this is not realizing this guy is totally insane. ; )

I don't know exactly why, but unless he's retarded, he knows that he's totally ignoring your feelings. It almost sounds like he's resenting you for something and he doesn't have the guts to say it your face so he's just hurting you to feel better. Maybe he's making your relationship end on a bad note so that he can feel justified in writing it off and not having to deal with it.

whatever his motives, he's being an ass. I think you are the one who doesn't have to put up with his shit! Throwing a fit over a non-issue is a definite sign of deeper problems. He has no reason to get mad at you for being sad that he was ignoring you on your last night together.

I think at this point, it would do you good to back off and say to yourself "this guy has issues, and i can't control him, I'm going to worry about myself" This fellow has a lot to work through if he's going to be able to have a healthy relationship. I wouldn't expect him to treat you well. I would try not to sit around trying to figure out why he did what, and what you can do about it. Try and figure out what you can do for yourself!

-monk

April 9, 2005
3:32 am
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woundedspirit
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Thank you Monk. My feelings, honestly, since he stood me up last night to "pack" and didnt, and then his comment that his friends wanted to hang out with him tonight and were mad at him for spending it with me make me feel that something better came up and he was resentful he was stuck with me his last night here and looking for any excuse to get out of it. I assumed he was going out with them. Though he did go home. He says its his last night so of course everyone is going to want to call and say goodbye and wish him luck. and Im selfish. Im so torn up about this

April 9, 2005
3:39 am
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monk_volcano
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it might help you to be around any close friends you have. you can't do anything about his bahaviour, just worry about dealing with your pain. things will get better.

And pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeeee don't beat yourself up about anything.. that's just going to set you back for no reason. You have to know that you have the right to feel however you feel, whether you had a good reason to or not. Do what it takes to get all this out of your system and move on.

good luck!

-monk

April 9, 2005
9:39 am
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feelingused
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Woundedspirit

Please trust me on this!

I have been in your shoes in the beginning of my relationship with the man I ended up marrying... I wished to God I would of listened to my friends back then!!

We broke up due to him going out with his ex behind my back, which happened frequently.. I always took him back and forgave him, cuz I thought I LOVED him! What it was, was thinking NO one would want me, cuz I gave into his advances finally. My parents kept telling me,"NO one wants used property!".. I believed them.

One of the situations I went through back then, was one of him picking me up from home, honking his horn in my drive.. I had to run out to shut it up. Only to have his best friend sit in front and I in back with his dog!! He would yell crap at me infront of his friend, and I said, "Take me back home.".. He pulled over and stopped the car, and said, "Get out, you can walk home!". I was mortified!!.. I once again, just ignored my gut and stayed in the car.

He was and always drank and drove. WHY didn't I see this bad behavior? BC I grew up with a Dad that did the same.. The signs of abusive behavior were ALL there in red flags! But I couldn't see or hear them.

Stay away from this guy, he seems like and will be a trouble future with him. Anyone that makes you feel like your beneath him is bad news! Please put your gut to thought of your better than what he's treating you!

Do you have friends that have stayed incontact with you during this relationship with him? If so, get their opinion on him.. If they say he's no good, please listen to them. I truely which I would of listened to mine. After I threw my graduation cap in the air that was the last time I was allowed to even see them! They tried to contact me, but I was afraid to talk to them, and didn't for fear of what he would do if I did.

Remain an EX with this turkey! Enjoy your life without fear and without degrading situations with him! Hang out with your girlfriends and laugh all night. Live girl, live happy NOT SAD!! I wasted 24 years to a man that treated me the same, and now its really hard to leave and to get UNBRAIN washed from what he constantly said and did to me!

Be STRONG!

Feelingused and will refuse to be anymore!!

April 9, 2005
10:02 am
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Desert Moon
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wounded -

I'm am so sorry he put you through that - nowadays my ex is usually so thoughtful over the phone, (even when I go off on him) that I feel guilty thinking that I ever left him. But what you described happenned to you last night brings up exactly why I left because this is how he would act during his rages (I can remember dozens and dozens of episodes). You don't need to be treated like that you don't deserve it - you don't deserve HIM!!

You may not see it now but look at this as a blessing in disguise - Your last memory of him is how much he hurt you. In some ways maybe this will help you through your loss a little faster because after you get through this you will look back and remember what a creep he was instead of it leaving you with feelings of confusion had things been 'nice.'

I am sorry for the loss and pain you are suffering.

feelingused - how are you doing with trying to leave your situation?

April 9, 2005
10:42 am
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feelingused
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Dessert Moon

Hi..

I'm trying to give him all the chances to realize what he IS doing to ME and our girls.

I have been talking to him, yes talking. I don't have a raised voice, I sit down infront of him and explain to him how I feel on our situation. and what is HE willing to do for OUR future.. Like usual he sits in silence. I let him know its unexceptable to just sit there. I tell him I'm tires and worn out, I can't sleep ext.. again he just sits there, no feelings..

The reason I have been doing this, its my way of letting him know, I HAVE TRIED to fix our relationship, with NO help from him. That way, I CAN tell HIS family and everyone else, including our girls, that I have tried everything and its not out of the blue. Plus.. thats just me, I try to give everyone a chance to do the right thing, before making a decision. But 20plus yrs, is toooo long for a chance to change...

I feel more stronger our future is coming to a halt, more than ever before. I have changed my ways of dealing with him, as if I'm his mother instead of a wife. I know now that I have stayed in this situation due to my own sickness of codependancy. I want to improve MYSELF on how I should live my life instead of fixing everyone elses! I'm getting there though 😉

I'm cleaning house if you know what I mean. Thank you for asking..

April 9, 2005
10:51 am
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Desert Moon
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feelingused

Cleaning house - I like that! That's kind of what I have been trying to do, but it's huge with years and years of clutter! 🙂

keep doing what you are doing - it doesn't happen overnight - (2yrs+ for me)

April 9, 2005
1:21 pm
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tenderheart
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Wounded- Don't put yourself down and do not feel guilty for feeling the way you felt. He obviously does not consider your feelings whatsoever. He is a selfish man. A very selfish man. I have been with a selfish man, and I thought I could control him by buying his love and bailing him out. He would make me feel really good and when he thought I was vulnerable he would ask for things, monetary things. He never gave anything back. That sucks. He is a loser that you gave all your heart to. He will not change and he will continue to use people. You deserve much better than you think you deserve. I would be angry, and sort of thankful that he is leaving so that he will not be able to hurt you anymore.

Be good to yourself wounded. Do not let him control you anymore. You are not at fault.

Many ((((hugs))))
-tenderheart

April 9, 2005
1:45 pm
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feelingused
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Wounded-

He seems atleast to be a bigger man than mine! Atleast he's leaving.. Mine won't admit wrong doings and stays around to make everyone misrable! Be thankful he's gone!! It was his choice, but it was better for you. You didn't have to make the decision, which is hard no matter how bad they treat you.

I wish mine would up and leave!!! Than I WOULD have to wake up and smell the coffee!

Wounded, just make yourself happy, do the things you want to do that you gave up on!! I find excerising is great for the mind! and body... It does wonders for the stress in life! Good Luck and think of the positive things that WILL come your way!

April 9, 2005
1:52 pm
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woundedspirit
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all I wanted was to spend one last night together and make it a special one. Just the two of us. It was very hurtful. I ended up totally degrading myself and begging over text message for hours for him to spend the night with me and not let it end this way. In his mind, I was totally and completely in the wrong to be hurt he was answering calls etc and he was totally justified in how he treated me over it. He thinks it was all ME who ruined his last night here. Selfish of me to not want him answering those calls. Maybe it was somewhat. So what? I wasnt being bitchy about it or anything. I was sad. That doesnt justify how he treated me. But to him, it totally does. Finally at 3am he said "you can figure that out, come over. Otherwise, stay home and let me go to sleep" And me being the pathetic dumbass, went. Slept with him. He overslept and hardly spoke to me when he got up and left. Now he is gone. I realize rationally I should be glad he is gone and out of my life. So why can I still not stop crying. It didnt have to end this way.

April 9, 2005
2:01 pm
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CODA_Mom
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OHHH, wounded, it is a major effort right now for me to say this in a calm, controlled manner. I am a therapist and a Christian, but every once in a while my Italian blood starts fighting against all that and boils to the surface, this is one of those times !!

He sounds like an insensitive jerk, and I say: "Good-bye, good riddance, hope we never meet again". I know that sometimes men get upset when women are sad because they have a hard time dealing with all of that emotion, but this doesn't sound like the case.

It sounds to me as if he was mad because he wanted to spend time with his friends and saw your time together as an "obligation".

I agree 100% with the others (monk, you really said it like it is, no kidding!!) in this situation. They have been there, they know, and sweetie, you did not do anything to deserve this kind of treatment.

I know that you've invested time in this man but it wasn't wasted. Learn from the experience, learn to protect yourself in the future, and learn to love yourself enough so that a ****** (fill in the blank yourself) like him does not have the power to destroy your outlook.

Hang in there, wounded, we are here for ya!

Hugs,
CM

April 9, 2005
2:02 pm
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Desert Moon
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Again I am so sorry I feel your pain having lived through that myself. Hugs and more hugs to you. He is a total Ass----. Don't beat yourself up thinking you are responsible. Why he feels and acted the way he did is his own reality and unfortunately nothing much can be done. Accept your worth and keep remembering you did nothting wrong, he overstepped your boundaries. don't let him take your sense of worth away from you or he has won.

April 9, 2005
3:25 pm
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feelingused
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wounded spirit-

I think we all have tried to give our emotionally unstable relationship partner "ONE LAST" night together in hopes that things would be better, or "they" would see the light, in wanting to be with you. Instead of "us" begging for their time, begging for their conversation, begging for them to "forgive" us for wanting the above. In reality,,, They should be begging "US" to forgive their rotten behavior towards us.. They should be begging us to give "them" one last try. ONLY for us to say, "GET LOST JERK!"... ha

Wounded, he shouldn't have left you that way!.. He called you over that late at night only BC it was late and his friends stopped calling him. He should have given you every moment he had left in time, to be with you before he left!! He chose to spend his time talking to others!.. OK, so you gave in and went over to his place. So, what!! Was it worth it? I mean, did you have "fun".. Let that be a lesson, and move on.

Don't dwell on giving into him by going over! Think of it as using "HIM" one last time girl!! and laugh. I know you hurt, probably real bad. But the way he left shows that he doesn't have a heart to care for your feelings! and your worth more than what he gave you!

My life may be totally screwed up right now, but I sure hope I make some since in others lives. Isn't that funny. People that are going through more crap than others know, sometimes can give the best answers to others problems! BC I'm hoping that I can stop others from falling into my long a lonely path in life! If your man/girl doesn't give you the time of day, or is cold to your feelings now, they will NOT change their ways! TRUST ME!! RUN for the border!

I hope all goes well Wounded, you seem to be a very caring person that just wants to have someones attention in you alone!! Don't give up, I hear there are good ones out there for us, we just got to clean up ourselves and love on ourselves first.. They will run into us sooner than later!

April 9, 2005
3:51 pm
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peacesoul
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Hi Wounded....I am so sorry about your pain right now. I know how bad you're hurting.
You know I have followed your story and responded to your posts and want nothing more than to be there for you so what I am about to say next is out of love and caring...

I am glad he showed his true colors before he left. This way you will have the last memory of him of who he REALLY is. Had he left on good terms, you would have been missing him and GOD FORBID maybe have left your life to go move to where he is.

What he did to you last night shows just want kind of DIRT BAG he is.
Wounded, in NO WAY were you wrong in whatever you said to him last night. He has total control over you and was just pushing it.
This is a cat and mouse game to him.

He gets all these calls from girls and spends hours with them and claims they are just friends. WHATEVER ! That is a crock of shit !

Wounded please please please....You have to listen very carefully to what every one here is telling you. Let him go, work on yourself. The universe /God just gave you the opportunity of a lifetime to heal.

Really, there is nothing to love about this person. He's TRASH! You do not love him, you are obessed with him. There is a HUGE difference. When you find real love in your life, you will see what you felt for this BUM was not love.

I want you to stay strong and keep posting here.

Cry, kick, scream, get mad.....do all the healing things. But mostly get mad. Mad at how he treated you and mad at yourself for allowing this to happen.

April 9, 2005
6:25 pm
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woundedspirit
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Thank you everyone. I cant tell you how much I appreciacte your words. Im so terribly hurt and upset. Cried and slept all day today. I feel terrible. My brother from out of town called, who I never see, to say he is in town and wanted to come by. I couldnt even answer his call. Hour later finally brought myself to listen to his voice mail and thats been hours and I cant make myself call him back. Absolutely no way can I imagine being around anyone right now.

April 10, 2005
6:02 am
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bonita1
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((((((woundedspirit))))))

With all due respect, you are better off without him. He sounds like a real a**hole. Sorry. 🙁

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