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Would love some healthy feedback. Am on track!!!!!!!!
April 30, 2007
12:11 pm
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courage to change
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Hi everyone

Had a lovely week end with my boyfriend, and managed to look after myself and have boundaries around him. Which for me is definitely a step in the right direction. Weve only been dating 2 months.

What does concern me is my feelings. About 8 years ago I went out with someone for 2 years, until in the end it had to finish. We became very good friends, no sexual relationship. But all through those years I have always had a fondness for him in my heart, and I always feel guilty moving forward and entering new relationships. I know the relationship cannot be, I tried it and it did not work, and he does'nt want to even try making something of it.

Communication never worked with use, just the superficial stuff worked. So in the end I learned to just accept him for who he is. Yesterday, I went to a social dance and saw him there, when I was with my boyfriend. I feel sad, that the dynamics of my friendship with him has changed. But the truth is when I was friends with him, it stopped me from finding a new man, and I would get resentful towards him, because he could not or would not give me what I needed. So I took responsibility for my feelings and started making more friends away from him.

After the dance, I thought would be grate to meet up with him. Then I thought about it, and thought that the consequences would be I would feel crap, and hurt after seeing him. Why do I feel this need to be with him, when I only feel rubbish afterwards. Weird. Ive decided to keep our friendship at arms distance, but I miss him. On the plus side my relationship with my present boyfriend is really good. Do I miss all the emotional turmoil, which is linked to my father. I dont know. ! I need to know why Im so wanting to keep something that really is about me giving out more to him, than he gives out to me. I know we both have feelings for one another, but I dont think they have ever been of a sexual kind. x Whats going on?????????/

April 30, 2007
2:24 pm
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on my way
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Sounds like you may still love this other guy, and that some issues are unfinished in your mind, or perhaps no closure. Does he feel the same way?

April 30, 2007
6:29 pm
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gracenotes
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I think maybe you have not really grieved the loss of what you expected this relationship to be. Even though you have accepted him for who he is, it seems like there's still a lot of I wish it could be different.

Is there something he does that starts to make you feel like crap, as you said? Or, is it because he's not who you wish he could be?

Just my two cents and first impression about this.

April 30, 2007
7:41 pm
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balancesekr
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You may be sensationalizing your past relationship with him, maybe you think it would be different now? It is normal to wonder what could have been, what could be now, that is human nature.

I agree with on my way and gracenotes that maybe you need to resolve why you moved on, which it sounds like you are clear on, maybe your feelings just need to be clarified.

b

April 30, 2007
10:14 pm
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_anonymous
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First of all you sound like you are a bit confused. If you want to begin a new relationship you need to end the last one. It is nothing more than a feeling that you didnt get the closure you wanted and the need to go back fix things and get it right. It could also because you are not 100% sure about this new b/f and R looking for a way to transition out.

May 1, 2007
4:21 am
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courage to change
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Lots of lovely feedback thanks. x

Ive not had a physical relationship with this man for 6-7 years, its only been on a friendship basis and doing things together. What does no closure mean? Im a bit confused by what you mean?

All I know is that whenever I was with him, I would get frustrated because he was unable to show his feelings, sometimes he would appear sulky, and sometimes the brick wall would come up. No emotional communication has ever been possible. He is also a very quiet man. On this side of things he is like a child.

Sometimes though we would have great fun, when he did not feel any emotional pressure from me towards him(basically when I did not show that I was too hooked on him).

All I know is I remember,coming away and crying at the thought of what I so liked, but also at the frustration that I could not accept the darker side to him. So the only way I got my head round this was to try to accept him, see him less, and just move on with my life. Which is what i have done.

However, I still get all the emotional upset and frustration which comes back up when I bump into him.

So I guess im grieving for something that could not be with him. Very sad.

I think after typing this, that Im grieving for what I would have liked.

I think the only way I am able to move my emotions forward is to detach, and distance myself from him for a while, so I can focus on my new fella without all this emotional baggage popping up each time.

Any ideas of how I can let go with love xxx

May 1, 2007
11:01 am
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gracenotes
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courage,

I think it might do you some good to detach from him for awhile. But, I don't think its wise to detach from your feelings about him. I don't think you meant this, but here's my two cents. If you have some feelings of grief, it would be healthier to allow yourself to feel any sadness, anger, loss, whatever that you are feeling. That's how healing happens.

Grief can be a long, long process. Even though its been a year and a half being in the physical presence of ex-n, I find myself healing things and letting go on different levels. This involves the ability to be open to feelings, insights, and new perspectives.

May 1, 2007
4:14 pm
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courage to change
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Yes you are correct.Thank you all for your thread.

Im aware I need to feel my feelings, but I really dont want my feelings to control me. Im hungry to move forward in my life, and think about me for a change. Apart from the odd emotional days, I so enjoy my life, everything in it. I feel like its taken me so long to get to this place, and I really dont want to be wasting my energy and mind on him anymore. I spent 8 years trying to get something from him, he was unable to give, or did not want to give. This is why Im hungry to move on. Physically thats easy, but I truly believe feelings have a time of their own, providing I m prepared to feel them I guess.

I think that this is the way it works for me. To the best of my ability I have decided to detach from him where possible.

But there will be times that I know I may bump into him, and then the feelings may surface. But till that time, I will move forward slowely.

Thanks for the feedback, it all helps xxx
My feelings for him are definitely real.

May 1, 2007
4:30 pm
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erinrose
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hi. i am pretty new here but your situation sounded too familiar to me. So forgive me for my guesswork!

I know nothing about your relationship with your father but if you have family of origin issues there is a good chance you may be repeating them. Sooo, could it be that your father was emotionally unavailable just like this guy you are drawn to? You may associate being loved with being treated the way this guy treated you. As such, he may be incredibly attractive.

Unless you heal yourself you may find yourself time and again in emotionally unsatisfying relationships.

You know it is going nowhere and is not healthy but you miss it and you crave it because it feels like home. Familiarity is what we humans tend to go to-healthy or not. If this is the case, break the tie and don't look back. Focus on learning to make healthy boundaries and being around postive, healthy people.

It sounds like when you left him and you were crying you may have been crying over more than him. Did it ever feel just UNBEARABLY painful-like it hurt more than it should have? If so, you were likely mourning an unhealed wound from your past. Again, just guessing. Best to you.
Erin Rose

May 1, 2007
4:37 pm
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courage to change
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You have hit the nail right on the head, and yes I know that this is definitely it.

I need to be strong now and keep moving forward. Im going to search out some POSITIVE LOVING PEOPLE. Am not interested in people who criticise me anymore, like him - they drain me and I deserve so much more.

Am just about to enrol on an 8 wk course, so my head is not filled with him, and I dont give him anymore emotional energy.

Thank you all so much. xx

May 1, 2007
4:37 pm
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courage to change
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You have hit the nail right on the head, and yes I know that this is definitely it.

I need to be strong now and keep moving forward. Im going to search out some POSITIVE LOVING PEOPLE. Am not interested in people who criticise me anymore, like him - they drain me and I deserve so much more.

Am just about to enrol on an 8 wk course, so my head is not filled with him, and I dont give him anymore emotional energy.

Thank you all so much. xx

May 1, 2007
4:58 pm
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erinrose
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Seeing my own life in yours is a gift and so I thank you wholeheartedly for sharing your story. Your acknowledgment gives me a great amount of clarity about my past and will enable me to make better choices for myself. Having compassion for you also makes me see that I can forgive myself for my mistakes and I can cry for myself and I can also find the strength to find someone better to love me. All the best to you. Erin Rose

May 2, 2007
8:13 am
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Just thought Id vent some feelings. Feeling very angry today, cause I wasted almost 8 years on stupid men who were not emotionally available for me. I set my sights too low. I am in my 40's and enjoy doing things for me now. Gone are the days when I need a man for financial reasons, or because of the attention they give me. I like my boyfriend, and this site has given me the opportunity to notice two things in my life - boundaries - going slow, and the type of men I have attracted.

So for that I thank you all.

Good news enrolled on a course last night, so am really excited about it. Hope that there are enough spaces left for me.

I love doing things for me, and I am so looking forward to my future.

This site has given me the opportunity to support and talk to others about my feelings. It gives me clarity of where I am going, and I am so appreciative of what I have learned already about myself.

Life is so short and I want to live it to the best of my ability. I DO NOT WANT TO WASTE MY TIME ON MEN WHO WASTE MY ENERGY. Wow, Told you I was angry!!!!!!!!! So im going to use my anger constructively and decide who I share the different parts of my life with.

Feeling better now.xx

May 2, 2007
11:43 am
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gracenotes
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Hi Courage,

Its good to have some time of outrage at how we have settled for less. And, I too have learned so much in the last year, especially about boundaries, and am treading very slowly in the relationship area, and this includes all the relationships in my life, including family, coworkers, and friends as well.

If you are in your 40's, maybe you are getting into the midlife stage. Its really an exciting stage, at least for me. The brain actually creates new connections, there's new energy, its almost like a kind of second adolescence power surge, although graced with, hopefully, some greater wisdom, and another chance to get things right. I've read some good books and articles about this topic and it is a real, physical thing that happens to women. Many of us women in this age range are creating a new, better version of going into what has been called middle age. If we have some good finances, we have some choices too.

Me. I'm in my 50's, been though tremendous growth in the last year or so, am going to a top notch university this fall with some scholarship money on top of that and studying what I have always wanted to study in a creative area, not what other people think would be a good idea or what is most practical to study. Appropriate choice for this time of life, maybe not when I was younger, but good now. It can be exciting, and I just don't need men the way I used to in my 20's/30's. I just know that my next relationship is going to be the best one I ever had.

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