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would have been five
August 6, 2001
1:35 am
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gypsygirl
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I am just venting here.I just got finished writing an appeal to the financial aid people at my college, I was approved. I started college in '97 and dropped out the same semester because I was grieving for my son that had just died. His birthday is next month, he would hav been 5.:( Anyway i had to provide documentation to the school as to why I dropped out, so I went through my sons stuff to find it. And now after so long I am depressed about it again. I thought that I was dealing well with it. But it just seems to creap up out of nowhere. He died from multipule heart defects. I have an older son who is 6 and he was born with congential defects as well. I am always taking him to the Dr. and he has had countless surgeries and I just feel so overwhelmed by it all. I wish to have my children but I am so frightened of more defects. The father of the two boys just had a baby with another girl and their baby is healthy so now I have this feeling of "mabye it was me all along" I am starting school this month and I know that I can do it If I just put these feelings past me. I am starting counseling again in about three weeks. I am back on meds again. I am trying so hard to get my life back on track. It seems that everytime things start going in my direction a major catastrafe happens.

August 6, 2001
10:44 am
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janes
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You can do it even if the feeling aren't "behind" you. Talk to your son's doctor and see if these problems were indeed YOU. I have a feeling that they weren't.

And even if they were...you sound as if you have cherished these children...and been a great mom.

Give yourself permission to grieve...it's fair.

Make sure when school starts you have your days scheduled with some time for you so you can write in a journal and keep your spiritual side helathy..get your work done on time and keep up on your reading so you won't feel overwhelmed...drop one of those academic classes and take a phys. ed or an art class (yes "easy "A" but it'll keep your gradepoint up and your gonna need the outlet)

Spiritually my religion states that all children under the "age of accountability (age where they truly understand right/wrong) go directly back to the arms of God.

And...in looking at your future...there may be some young mom down the road that is going to need your compassion that you have gained through this process of raising children with medical problems.... There may NOW be some young people who might really grow from hearing YOU say..."love them, cherish them even kids with bad hearts have lovely souls"

Good luck and keep us posted on your therapy (good girl for going back) and how school is going too.

August 6, 2001
10:47 am
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janes
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P.S. After trying for ten years to have kids my sister had twins...needless to say they were loved and cherished.

Tragically one twin was accidently killed just before their 6th birthday..

It has affected all of us. He would be 13 now... Life does go on but periods of grieving still occur for all of us.

Praying for YOU.

August 6, 2001
6:30 pm
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gypsygirl
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I have been to the genetics counselor and although they did not do any testing on me they reassured me that it didnt have to do with me, since the defects were largely enviromental(whatever that means) and that not one single thing caused it. Basically they told me that in a normal pregnancy there is about a 3% chance that there will be a defect.That percent never changed for me during my second pregnancy. But my son did have defects, different ones, more devestating ones. I went again after my son died and they told me the same thing. They also told me that I was "struck by lightning" twice and that my odds are still the same.Only a 3% chance of defects in another pregnancy. I think that is a bunch of B.S. They said that since the defects in both my sons were un-related, meaning different defects. that it had nothing to do with me. just that i am luck enough to have had two special children. My 6 year old had a cleft lip and palate. it has been repaired so that you cannot even tell. his speech is hard to understand if you do'nt know him. He has had countless ear infections due to his tubes not being formed right. he goes to speech therapy all of the time. He is a brilliant child who has high self esteem considering. He is a true fighter.

August 7, 2001
3:16 pm
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cupcakes2u
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God loves you so much and he is now loving your beautiful little boy.Your little boy is in such a warm,wonderful safe place.He will never grow old,never be made fun of and never have to put up with all the cruelty that goes on on this silly planet. He in many ways is more lucky than us that still live here.(((Hugs)))to you! Cupcakes!

August 7, 2001
3:20 pm
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cupcakes2u
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God loves you so much and he is now loving your beautiful little boy.Your little boy is in such a warm,wonderful safe place.He will never grow old,never be made fun of and never have to put up with all the cruelty that goes on on this silly planet. He in many ways is more lucky than us that still live here.(((Hugs)))to you! Cupcakes!

August 7, 2001
5:17 pm
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janes
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As a speech therapist let me say to keep up on the therapy...and if you are in the states check with your district on the possibility of summer therapy too. ( O do it with kids who are particularly severe.)

In fact of of my students had a rare cleft that also caused one of his eyes to be missing....at age three he was totally unitelligible..now at age 7 he just needs to correct his ?r/ sound.

Speech therapy should be free to you through your school system because of the various special education laws that cover ALL of the USA...Look at the univesities in your state that may have "summer speech clinics" I often refer kids to these programs becasue the therapy can be so mcuh more intense..some are even live in (Central Michigan Univ) for six weeks with awesome results. Therapy takes time and be sure you drill him on his sounds and exercises FIVE minutes a day at home...no more....unless he wants to.

Now to you.....Why WHY must you accept the "blame" for two kids with defects? Have you been trained as a geneiticist? (sp) Your medical degree is from where? My sister's one twin had a grade 5 hemorhage in his brain 3 weeks after birth and SHOULD have been retarded...instead he was reading by age 4 and totally gifted.

If the Dr's said it was not you then cast off that guilt...why carry a ton of bricks when someone has given you a reason for throwing it away? What is it gaining you to keep saing it's me to blame?

Each day you have of your life is a gift....you know from experience that humans die....stop blaming and start living.....this is the only life you have and it isn't a dress rehearsal. You have a son who loves you...make his ONLY childhood one with a mom who believes she is great because she IS!!!!

Live love laugh...be happy.....

Fear Not...for I am with thee saith the Lord......

August 7, 2001
5:18 pm
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janes
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As a speech therapist let me say to keep up on the therapy...and if you are in the states check with your district on the possibility of summer therapy too. ( O do it with kids who are particularly severe.)

In fact of of my students had a rare cleft that also caused one of his eyes to be missing....at age three he was totally unitelligible..now at age 7 he just needs to correct his ?r/ sound.

Speech therapy should be free to you through your school system because of the various special education laws that cover ALL of the USA...Look at the univesities in your state that may have "summer speech clinics" I often refer kids to these programs becasue the therapy can be so mcuh more intense..some are even live in (Central Michigan Univ) for six weeks with awesome results. Therapy takes time and be sure you drill him on his sounds and exercises FIVE minutes a day at home...no more....unless he wants to.

Now to you.....Why WHY must you accept the "blame" for two kids with defects? Have you been trained as a geneiticist? (sp) Your medical degree is from where? My sister's one twin had a grade 5 hemorhage in his brain 3 weeks after birth and SHOULD have been retarded...instead he was reading by age 4 and totally gifted.

If the Dr's said it was not you then cast off that guilt...why carry a ton of bricks when someone has given you a reason for throwing it away? What is it gaining you to keep saing it's me to blame?

Each day you have of your life is a gift....you know from experience that humans die....stop blaming and start living.....this is the only life you have and it isn't a dress rehearsal. You have a son who loves you...make his ONLY childhood one with a mom who believes she is great because she IS!!!!

Live love laugh...be happy.....

Fear Not...for I am with thee saith the Lord......

August 8, 2001
1:23 am
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gypsygirl
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i had this all written out, but i got kicked off so I guess i will start over again.I know that deep down I am not to blame for this, but the logical part of me that needs an explnation is nagging me to find a reason. I do live in the states and My son usually goes to speech over the summer but this year He went to his dads in texas and I was in another state trying to move so i removed him from everything like the cleft palate clinic and from speech and school, but now that we are back home I am putting him back in all of that. We live in a small town and his surgen is an hour away. He had a pharengeal flap surgery last year for his nasal emmision and the first one failed due to a tear so he went back in and did it again. The speech is alot better, but still not perfect. I understand that it might not ever be, but it breaks my heart to see him struggle when other kids do not understand him. He is going into first grade this year. he is a small kid about 3'6" and 37lbs. he is healthy, just skinny. i hate when the other kids try and push him around. not literally push him. but he does make friends easy. I have him in a summer program at the boys and girls club. He will go there after school also.I think I am blabbing now, I am just excited that You are a speech therapist. You understand all of this.
I was only 19 when my son was born. I had to grow up really fast. I am a single mother now and have been pretty much the entire time. It is just overwhelming at times.

August 8, 2001
11:02 am
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janes
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Get thee to a therapist (you are I know) Young or not good moms are good moms

Some how get rid of the NEED for a reason...shit happens.

!st grade is still young...he has tons of time to correct the defects...and as he matures you can keep reminding him that he speech will be as good as he wants it to be.

GHow does his lip look? Were your surgeons good?

A summer off is okay. The next few years will be the important ones as he gains the maturity to understand that what he puts into it is what he gets out of it.

One of my kids was skinny and he fattened up nicely...looks good at 20.

Friends.....step back...try not to be overprotective...the good friends will be that and tell him to stick up for himself.

Later

August 8, 2001
9:38 pm
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gypsygirl
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I can email you before and after pic if you like.
I got all of my classes picked out for school and registration is tomorrow. I also found out the amount for my financial aid. It is a good amount. I am kind of nervous, but I know I can do it. A friend of mine is in a couple of classes with me.

August 9, 2001
8:33 am
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janes
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Make sure you get that "fluff" class for stress release!!

August 10, 2001
1:02 am
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gypsygirl
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if you go to geocities.com/rmcgavran there is a pic of my son. You cant see his lip to well but you get the general idea. The rest is just a few poems that i wrote.

August 10, 2001
8:22 am
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janes
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Will do
j-

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