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Working on Co-dependency issues while in a relationship
July 7, 2007
12:34 pm
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Lisa Ann
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I'm feeling pretty good today. I have lots of little projects to do around my apartment, and I plan to read out in the sun today and I'm going to a couple AA meetings tonight. So, my day is kind of full. Tomorrow my boyfriend is coming home from the lakes and we will spend the afternoon and evening together. I'm really looking forward to it, and so is he. We definitely miss each other when we are apart.

So, I have decided to stay in this relationship while working on my co-dependency issues. I absolutely love my boyfriend and do not want to lose him. He doesn't totally understand co-dependency, which I understand. There is a lot for him to learn about me - and I'm in the process of learning it myself.

I broke up with him about 3 weeks ago because I was going insane obsession about what he was doing and all that co-dependent stuff. But, I was miserable without him and he was miserable without me too. I actually felt stronger at that point though, than I do now. I have felt the anxiety come back occasionally, in the last week, and I guess I am just curious as to how many others out there have been through this - where they stayed in a relationship and worked through these issues. I am doing better than I ever have in my life, but I still struggle with anxiety a bit and any advice or experiences that are similar to mine would be greatly appreciated.

July 7, 2007
12:53 pm
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fantas
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Lisa Ann, It has been said that we are attracted to people who are intended to help us heal the wounds of the past. So I think it's normal that being with your bf stirs up something in you. This is his only purpose, after this, you need to do all the work to figure out where the anxiety originates and heal it. He can support you by not betraying you.

Already he has been a great gift to you. He has helped you see where you need to grow. Whether or not you stay or leave the relationship depends on whether you can work on yourself without driving him crazy with your insecurities. Which wouldn't be fair since it would be you asking him to fix you internally.

I think it's possible to work on your codependency in the relationship if you are both aware of your boundaries. If he can stand up for himself and not let you use him to make yourself feel better and if you are aware of yourself enough to not project your fears onto him, then you all can grow and even have a much better and deeper relationship. Keep posting!

July 7, 2007
2:10 pm
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kc38
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I understand your feelings exactly. I am also trying to cope with co-dep and maintain (move forward) in my relationship with my boyfriend.

It is tough to help him undersatnd without scaring him or driving him away.

Let's stick to it!!!

kc

July 7, 2007
2:33 pm
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marypoppins
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Lisa Ann,
I know how you feel. Years ago, when I first got together with my husband, I had such bouts of extreme jealousy and panic that I couldn't seem to control. He tried to be understanding because he'd just completed a few years of attending ACA meetings regularly. He was well aware of codependency issues, but he knew that he didn't want to be in another crazy relationship. Eventually I went to a therapist, then a psychiatrist, and I began taking an anti-depressant. Manic depressive illness is in my family history, but I was diagnosed with depression and OCD. I don't know. There was definitely a chemical imbalance. The medication, which I may be on forever, helped me to see more clearly. Instead of being overwhelmed by emotion and feeling scared and abandonned and unable to think, I had some rational thought in my head to talk myself down a bit. But, it has still been a struggle. Certainly medication alone is not the answer. My husband and I have been through affairs, a divorce, a remarriage, a miscarriage, a birth, a serious injury, and now, after all these years, we're still taking "baby steps" to try to rebuild trust and have something healthy. Your boyfriend probably has issues of his own - unexplored, but from my personal experience, those of us who have affairs, sneak around, and so on, have issues. It's hard to build trust coming out of an affair because there has already been betrayal. And nothing, nothing will ever be as exciting as "affair sex". All of this being said, hang in there. We need love, too. You will, though, need to continue with your therapist and psychiatrist, use this board, attend meetings, and find ways to feel good about yourself and develop more self-love and confidence. It's easy to say, but I can promise you that without that work on yourself, relationships don't work. I've tried to get around that and paid the price.
Poppins

July 7, 2007
2:40 pm
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marypoppins
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Wow, Lisa Ann. Sorry, I'm new to this. I sent my reply to you by mistake. Please, excuse me.
If there is anything from it you can use, take it and disregard the rest. This is what happens to those of us who don't do our work...We become confused and post replies in the wrong places...

July 7, 2007
2:41 pm
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eurogurl
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Where else to work on codep issues than in a relationship, it truly is the best way. Sitting in a room, journalling and going to classes where everyone tells you how NOT to be is ridiculous, as far as im concerned.
Relationships are our greatest teachers, if were open enough to learn and not blame.

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