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Wondering
May 11, 2002
1:59 am
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Tessa
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Hi IM new here and I wanted to ask a question. IM 19 and have a boyfriend who is 30 and well I love him but I am also afraid of him. Most of the time he treats me well but sometimes he seems to change into a different person. He drinks alot and starts to act mean and push me around. I try not to make him mad but it seems no matter what I do he is angry at me. The other night was the worst when he slapped me because I didnt want to drink with him. How can someone you love and they say they love you hurt you? He kept saying he was sorry about it afterwards but I am afraid it may happen over and over. What am I doing wrong?

Tessa

May 11, 2002
2:31 am
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Keiran
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At the risk of downplaying a whole load of factors that I know nothing about in your relationship, it sounds like classic abuse. I'm not going to beat around the bush because it's pretty cut and dry. Get out of the relationship NOW. you don't have kids with him yet...make sure you don't wait around until that happens. He will guilt trip you and make you think that it is your fault that he gets mad at you. but the fact is that every person must take responsibility when it comes to hurting someone emotionally or physically. There is NO NO NO NO NO excuse for it. Even if you give him lip sometimes, even if you don't go along with what he says. You may love him, but your life is your own and i believe you could make it happier by getting out of this relationship and cooling off for a while with guys. Re-evaluate yourself and find out how in the world he was able to convince you that you were the culprit. Next relationship you'll be better equipped to handle the little fights or the big ones. If you learn to put responsibility where it belongs and stop downgrading yourself, you'll do better.

May 11, 2002
5:20 am
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etta mae
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Tessa,

Keiran is right. Leave him before something more horrible happens. No one can harm you, no matter what excuses he uses, drinks, drugs, bad mood, or anything.

You may love this man, but this abusive relationship won't do you any good. It only hurts you. And you deserve better. You're 19, you're young. There is no need, no need at all to tie yourself to a relationshiop which troubles you. Listen to Keiran and you'll be fine.

May 11, 2002
8:49 am
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nikka
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Hi,Tessa --
It's time to go, past time in fact. You are not at fault for his actions and his actions are very dangerous. Drinking generally allows parts of us that we successfully hide to come out. He began w/ verbal assaults, progressed to pushes and then to a slap. He will go further. LEAVE NOW --PLEASE.

He may have been just wading in to get used to the water. Do not talk to him, do not tell him you are leaving. Just pack and go. If you are leaving some personal possessions fine, your wellbeing is far more impostant than a few odds and ends of material. Even if they are expensive and you like them -- you are not replaceable, they are. PLEASE GO NOW AND DON'T LOOK BACK. (((((((HUG))))))))

May 11, 2002
10:19 am
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yoyo
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Tessa, listen up. No matter how hard you try not to make him mad, he WILL find reasons to get angry and each time it will get worse. There is a thin line between slapping and .... A thin line between life and death, and, yes, the mark of his hand on your face fades and bruises disappear, but what it does to you inside doesn't and then there comes the moment that the physical injuries can't be healed. It just takes that one action, one time that will spin your world forever and hopefully you'll live but don't count on it. Don't wait until you are damaged any further, please go now.

May 11, 2002
2:30 pm
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Tessa
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Thank you all for your responses and what you say makes sence. But for the most part he treats me good, I just think maybe something is bothering him. I grew up in foster homes and never had anyone close to me so I really love him and he has taken care of me for the past year. I don't work so IM home all day and do things for him. I have nowhere to go and want to try and work this out. Many of my fosters homes were terrible and I was not treated well and he has been my life. I guess I need him in my life right now. IM a shy and quiet person and he is the only person I have ever loved.

Tessa

May 11, 2002
8:10 pm
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nikka
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Listen, Tess --
YOU ARE YOUR LIFE. THERE IS STRENGTH AND POWER WITHIN YOU IF YOU WILL TAKE THE TIME TO FIND IT.

i UNDERSTAND YOUR LONLINESS AND YOU PROBABLY HAVE THE FEELING THAT no one in the world truly cares about you and that he is the best you could hope for. You are wrong. You do matter and you are worthy of someone and other someones who will not hit you and take advantage of your pain to try to tie you to them in a kind of emotional slavery.

Tess, there is a women's shelter near you. There is money available for schooling and job training. Go see the people at the battered women's shelter and find out your options for making a better life for yourself.

Try just a bit right now, to see the value in yourself and the worthiness you have to lead a sucessful and content life without having to be battered and enslaved. Please, listen to me, dear.

Get out now. Please get out now. Love go with you, Tessa. Keep us posted please. And please get to the women's shelter, even if you must walk or run there.

May 11, 2002
9:56 pm
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aloneintexas
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tessa you arent the one whith he problem he is an duntil he figures that out it is going to be hard, i am saying this because i have abad hidden anger problem it pretty much has cost me the oneperon in the world i love try to make him understand that he isnt the only person like this .it isnt a easy chore believe me but do all you can take care of yourself.i pray to god every night to give me the strenth to change and if my wife stays i have a long road to getting better.i admire your devotion to him but dont let him hurt you

May 14, 2002
1:21 am
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Tessa
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AloneinTexas,
You say you have this problem?
Are you getting help for it? And if you are is it working?

What is the reason you would hit your wife?

If you can be helped then so can others.

I dont want to give up on this relationship, I love him so much.

May 14, 2002
8:10 am
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nikka
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Tess-

You are hearing what you want to hear and ignoring what your head is telling you to do. Please do not accept misery as your only solution. Get out, let him work on his problems until he is no longer toxic to you. LEAVE, GIRL, LEAVE.

May 14, 2002
8:54 am
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yoyo
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Tessa, blame, denial and minimization are all parts of the circle of violence. He may be able to get help eventually, unfortunately for you, it will never stop the pattern that has developed between you. He MAY be OK eventually with someone else, never with you. It will never be what it should be. We all deserve better than what you are accepting, please reach for that and believe you are worth more than you are settling for. The times ahead won't be easy either way, but if you stay it will only get worse, if you leave it may be very hard for awhile but it will get better. Take care.

May 14, 2002
12:36 pm
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nikka
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Thank you, Yoyo. Your words are strong and true and better said thatn I could have. Listen to her, Tessa, please.

May 14, 2002
2:04 pm
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gingerleigh
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At 19, you're far too young to be in a relationship with someone who is 30. Just different stages of life. Not that age differences can't work, but at 19, you're just turning into an adult, and you have a lot of experiences and fun and maturing in front of you over the next decade. At 30, he has already gone through that. An 11 year difference is very very noticeable between a 20 and a 31 year old, whereas it's less so between a 25 year old and a 36 year old, and much less so between a 30 year old and a 41 year old.

THIS ASSUMES A HEALTHY LOVING RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN TWO HEALTHY LOVING PEOPLE. No Abuse.

For your own sake, I would suggest stepping back and seeing what it's like to face the world drawing on your own strength only. I know you love him. I know you feel like he's the only one for you, and that no one else can offer you the love and comfort and joy and passion that this one man can. That's not true, and until you see it for yourself you won't believe me.

Are you in school? If not, either get in school or get out and get a job. Nothing more empowering than finding a goal and working towards it. Maybe the problem is that you aren't busy enough? *smile*

May 14, 2002
3:38 pm
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Molly
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This is not love. He is a predator. Often when I hear of abusive older men, and young girls, it makes me wonder why the girl is so flattered by an older man's attention. Instead of the flattery she should ask her self, so like what is up with this guy, why doesn't he play with women his own age ? Heck contributing to the deliquency of a minor ? Ok, that sounds harsh, but slapping you because you won't drink with him ? That guy must have hit you hard, and slapped the common sense right out of you. I may sound harsh, but I am a mom, my girls are older, and damn, I would be hard pressed to not go mid evil on any person that took that kind of approach with my kid, and then I would let her have it, for thinking so little of her self, to induldge him. So, there could be lots of reasons you have hooked up with this guy, who in the long run will prove he doesn't really care about you, he only cares about him self, and perhaps his booze, or his sex. There are lots of women on these threads, that didn't have the advice you have been given above, and stuck it out because they LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD him to death, their death, the death of their soul, dreams, future, and for some their kids. Since your only 19 like GL suggested, if your not in school get in school, get a job, put as much attention into you as you would have put into a man. When you can say you are truly independent, then start dating again. If you go from this guy to another, you will most likely pick the same type of guy. We really do need an education on being a woman, how to choose a mate, what to look for in character issues, and please child, do not get pregnant. Please. Not intended to harm you simply enlighten you out of your denial.

May 15, 2002
4:28 pm
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UK Polly
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Tessa, I wasn't going to post on this thread because you've had posts that said it better than I could.

The people who are telling you to go have been in this situation and BTW, they are counsellors and lawyers. They've lived through it, seen it happen to other people, helped other people survive. And they have done it for YEARS.

I know that at 19 you believe you can change the world, that other people don't really understand what it's like for YOU. Be sure, we have all been 19. We know that some of the time he makes you feel good, feel needed and wanted and that you'd be lonely for a while. But we also know that in the real world he is going to get worse - and worse - and worse.

I observe that you are trying to cling on to hope that you can change him, get him better, get him cured. You can't. There isn't a cure for your relationship. The only thing that can make it better for you is for you to go.

If you're going to make a grown-up choice about your life, listen to your tribal sisters who have also had to make similar choices. Believe me, it's worse when you're married, have a joint bank account, kids.

Like Nikka said, you are ignoring what your head is telling you to do.

May 15, 2002
10:19 pm
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nikka
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Listening yet, Tess? GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS DRUNKEN, BATTERING LOSER.

You'll be fine. You can be independent. You have lotsa talent and ability, you have looks and gentleness and you have strength. Take the advice, please, dear. Get out, go to school,get out, get a job. get out. Get the picture? Love to you. Now get out

May 17, 2002
1:30 pm
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Tessa
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I have been reading all the posts and you are all saying the sames things. I guess I am scared to leave because I don't know where to go. And because I love my boyfriend. But I have decided to look for a job and try to get my own place. I have not told my boyfriend that I am leaving yet, I want to get my job first. I hope I can do it. Reading the posts of everyone made me think that there is a better life for me than here. I do want to live happier and not be afraid I will upset him. I kind of look at him different now, I don't know how to explain it. Maybe I am changing or your words and experiences have gotten into my head.
Thanks to all of you for trying to help me. I have been alone all of my life, that is why I was holding onto him so much or am.

Tessa

May 17, 2002
1:46 pm
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Molly
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Being alone is better than being abused, it sometimes takes a while to sink in. Start saving some money, take it where you can, get out there an hussle your self a job, there are lots out there, go to a temp agency they will help you and some will even give you some training. You can do this. I can guarentee you one thing it is a hell of alot easier to do this today, before the continued scaring of your psyche leaves you so depressed that you can't. The emotional scaring from verbal abuse alone is so much worse than the physical, and it will never change, so be greatful for what you are feeling which is most likely fear, but it is a healthy fear, that you need to break through for change. You don't want to do this when your 29, or 49, or 59 if you did manage to live through it that long. Get busy

May 24, 2002
5:22 am
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stressmess
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Tessa,
I think everyone here as given you good advice and I hope you take it. One thing I must mention is that it sounds to me like he is a alcohlic and NO one can change him but him. Sure he wants you to drink with him then he can justify his drinking. You are young and you would be surprised how strong you really are. Get a job and get out. There are alot of loving and caring men out there. You just have to find them. Don't settle for being abused, I don't care how nice he is to you the rest of the time. You deserve better than that.

May 24, 2002
11:27 am
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Jadedragon
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Tessa RUN like hell and don't look back.
I know almost exactly what is going on, I was TAKEN care of , he was good MOST of the time. But he LOVED his drink.
Bought me expensive presents. Remembered the dress I wore the day he first met me. SPent money on me, got a beautiful house for me , so we could live together and be comfortable.
BUT.... I PAID,... Punches , Bruises, INSULTS , the like I have NEVER been called before. becasue he LOOOOvvvvveeeddd me. ...!!!
YEah I was scared and money was a HUGE problem, I didn't have too damn much.
YEAH, I got pregnant, and had an abortion. Christ that was bad.
GET OUT!!!!! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!! Before he crushes the life out of you. It is already happening, or you wouldn't be on this site.
WE ALL KNOW!!!
HE was/is also 12 years older then me, and " should have known better" Yeah right. You make HIM look GOOD.
HOW DARE HE LAY A FINGER ON YOU!!!
RUN while you still can and DON"T look back . OUR biggest mistakes are believing that he loves US as much as we LOVE them. It jsut isn't so. Its not about love with them anymore. Its control and power, and they don't know it. But YOU DO.
YOur heart will break, is already breaking, that's why he looks different to you now. Keep that picture in front of you, becasue the nasty BASTARD you saw the other night is who he really IS!!!
BE safe.
LOve and hugs

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