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wondering why I can't let myself be happy
March 22, 2004
12:15 am
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lotis
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September 24, 2010
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On dec 25, 2003, my boyfriend of one year, attempted suicide by jumping out of my vehicle at the speed of 40 miles/hour, while I was driving. He fractured his skull in three places, and was in the hospital for a week.
I didn't realize I was codependent until that night, because now I wanted to be with him more than ever. It's wrong to feel that way about someone so selfish, and to even feel bad when he blamed it on me, because I "broke up with him that night" and he didn't want to live anymore because of my actions, when in reality, I never did break up with him, he was drunk, and doesn't even remember the night. But it's still my fault, so after I nursed him back to health, dropped everything for him, moved him into my house, he left me. He continued to call me about every four days, to make sure I was "ok" But no, I wasn't ok, because I waited for his phone call. I couldn't put up a front, I was miserable, and he had to realize that what he did to me was not "ok." Because thats what he really wanted to hear, that he was not an awful person and his leaving me was justified. every phone call would end with both of us crying and him hanging up on me. This went on for about two months. Until he called me and said "I need help, I want to talk to you in person, I'm scared I'm going to hurt myself" My feelings for him and the fact that I am a psych nurse made me tell him to get his butt over to my house. Again, pushing my heartache aside for him. I sat and listened to him. He was suicidal, he was doing all kinds of drugs, he was hearing voices, he was scared. I took him to the psych unit where I worked, they admitted him. I had to work on a different medical unit while he was there, which I hated, but that didn't matter, because I was happy he was getting help. I did his laundry, I visited him everyday, I involved myself in his care as much as possible. He started feeling better. He was telling me that he loved me, he wanted to be with me, I of course, wanted to work on us. I had never stopped thinking about him, even though people told me how much better I was without him, but I was miserable without him. But now I am miserable with him, because 3 days after he got out of the hospital for the second time, he left me again. He tried to OD on the antidepressants he was given and started the drugs again. He confessed all this last night to me. He wanted to talk, as much as I wanted to say leave me alone! I couldn't, I broke down infront of him again, like I had done so many times before, and said, come, hang out with me, we'll talk. he tells me he doesn't like himself, he only does when he's with me, but he shouldn't be with me because I deserve better, which is true, but I'm miserable, and misery loves company. He stayed the night on my couch. In the morning, I woke up to him sitting on the edge of my bed smiling at me. He says, "I miss watching you sleep" and that comforted me, and I asked him to lay with me and hold me. He did for about 5 minutes, than he slowly started jonzing. I could tell, he told me he wanted to go take a shower, it would only be a little while, and he would be back, and we would go out to lunch at our favorite chinese restaurant. It's now 11:30 PM and I am still waiting, miserable again. I accepted no phone calls, didn't eat, didn't move off the couch, I just cried all day, waiting for him, trying to figure out a way to stop feeling the way I do.

Thank you for listening to my long story, it helped to just write about it. Any comments are very appreciated.
-Lotis

March 22, 2004
10:46 am
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gingerleigh
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Ah Lotis, how much love you have to give, and what a wonderful relationship you could have with a man who is whole, healthy and able to take care of himself! Why are you settling for this "catch"? He is probably confused, lost, and good-hearted, but no one can rescue him but himself. And as long as you keep trying, you are cutting yourself off from meeting other people who don't need rescuing, just who want to love and be loved. What this man is needing isn't to be loved... it's to be saved. Please don't sign up for that job.

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