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Wondering what is going on
July 28, 2001
8:10 am
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johnnie
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I have been spending lots of sleepless nights lately and since I have absolutely no one to talk to I found this site. I have never done anything like this, I have never been in chats room or anything like that. So I may ramble a bit and this could be long.
I know exactly where to start, the day my daughter left for college was the day my life changed. I could only do 2 things in life and that was do crafts and be a mother. I have a older son but his leaving didn't affect me this way. She was my best friend and my buddy, I know I put too much into mother and may have presented a problem in my marriage. So empty nest is my first problem.
My father died 5 years ago and I have had to deal with a mother a I have never had a good relationship with all my life. She's a cheat and a vicious person and did nothing for my self esteem all my life. Over the last 5 years I have had to put up with her accusing me of stealing her money, ramsacking her home, you name it. Within the last 3 years she has become very confused and within the last few months she has not been able to live alone. We tried a senior citizens housing but in her state of confusion she was kicked out after only 2 weeks, I had no choice but put her in a nursing home. I can't handle that situtation well and can't seem to visit her more than a couple times a week and then I have to force myself to go. I feel so guilty, putting her there but she can't come into my home, I feel almost nothing when it comes to my mother. It shouldn't be that way and I just can't help the way I feel. Mother and Daughters should always have each other to lean on but there is nothing there.
Onto the problem of the day. I'm sure my husband is having an affair with a co-worker, she's 26, he's 52. She became very sick suffering from a stroke at the beginning of March, she was in terrible condition and had no one to take care of her (she has a 6 year old and she is estrange from most of her family). So my husband starting visiting her just to help out, clean up, try to help her get around..etc. Needless to say she is much better, almost normal and ready to get back to work. Well this visits have now reached 40 or more, there's phone calling almost every evening, her calling here, or he's calling there. All these calls are made right in front of me so he can keep telling me there is nothing going on. The cell phone bill is full of calls to her also. A few weeks ago he got her a free computer now you guessed it lots of emails. I have been reading them and I don't like what I'm reading. I can read between the lines. I have even entertained this girl and her son in my home a couple of times since we have beautiful acreage and she lives in a white trash area in a horrible apartment. She's is everything my husband doesn't like, she smokes, she's a slob doesn't even take care of her body (she is thin but only after illness) I'm talking baths...etc. Her apartment is a pig pen, she doesn't cook and is running around all the time. She's seems to have made it to the top of her department very fast at work, which to me only means one thing. She has never been married the father of her son is in his 40's, she has also had a thing with a 60ish man she worked with in another location. She was just transferred into my husbands location about a year ago. Before her illness she was living with a boyfriend...I shutter to think how many men she has been with. She's ready to go back to work and the company wants her back in the location she was in not where my husband is. I guess she is really mad about this and I'm sure something has happen there that she feels she can't go back. She doesn't seem to have an friends only a few distance relatives. The girl is nothing but white trash and not even good looking, long hair she doesn't wash and just not a pretty face.
How do I face this? Do I just ask my husband what is going on? He's says nothing they are just friends and has repeated to me many times he's not leaving me. He will retire in a couple of years and all he talks about is our life together now and in the future. He keeps buying things for both of us, home improvements, equipment...etc. Planning for the future. He has lots to lose if he lives me and I know after all the years of hard work he's not willing to lose it and have to work until 65. We aren't rich but have saved lots and have a nice home (nothing fancy) but comfortable. He has worked very hard to save this much money and we have done without to get to this place and half would be mine and half of his pension. He does have some minor health problems and working until 65...he would never make it.
I have been through this once before with another co worker 18 years ago It seem harder then since we had the young children. But now all I can think is I can't face the world alone at age 50.
Can someone please help me? Just by being there. I have no one to turn to. I did confess all this to my friend a few days ago, but she has a horrible relationship with her husband who has cheated on her many times over the years. But I felt so bad after leaving her since I know I dragged up a bunch of stuff in her life that she wanted to push into the back of her mind.
Also you need to know my husband is a very kind man, has never and never will lay a hand on me. He's has always given me free rein with my life never checking up on me etc. and now all of a sudden seems to be pushing me out of the house and wanting to know what time I will be back...etc.
I hope someone out there can take the time to help me with all my problems. I only have a high school education and can't express my feeling well. Maybe I just need someone to help me talk to my husband, the right words to say etc. I can lose my temper and say things I shouldn't. I cant' even bring myself to read back over this for typo errors or miss spellings, please excuse this. Help me, what do I do Johnnie...sorry this is so long

July 28, 2001
12:35 pm
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Alena
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Johnnie, had to let you know you've come to the right place Ma'am. Lots of us out here are listening and can empathize.
I don't have any professional experience, or advice for you. But I am 52, married for alot of years, experienced "empty nest", experienced husband's infatuation with a secretary a few years back, so I do know how you feel. So what I think about this is how I would handle it.
I would be SO angry. Enough is enough. He may not have anything sexual going on with her,(and that's giving him the benefit of the doubt), but you don't have to be sexual to cheat in a marriage. He is spending WAAY to much time with her and about her. Maybe, and this is a stretch in itself, just maybe if you can afford it, I could see helping her out in the beginning by floating her a loan, or giving her money to get help while she was ill, but that's enough. A few phone calls to check in on her while she was recovering, a dinner or two at your house to make her and her child feel cared for, and that is it.
I would definitely tell him this has to end. I would tell him that maybe he has no idea how over the boundaries he has taken this, maybe he is too close to the forest to see the trees, and you're bringing it to his attention so now he WILL see it. Enough phone calls, enough visits, enough e-mails, enough gifts, let her get on with her life without his assistance. And if like he says, there is nothing going on, then fine, this should be easy for him to end it. Right?
You are unhappy and uneasy with it. Period. Even if she was destitute, the two of you together could offer monetary support until she got on her feet, and then, enough.
It doesn't matter if he talks to her in front of you, enough talking. She's getting much too important in his life.
That's how I feel. The other women on this site probably have some good professional advice for you, how to go about changing things.
I just think you need to tell him how this is affecting you and he needs to stop. Period.

The mom thing is tough too. It's not healthy to dwell on what was, today is all you can really deal with or be in control of. If you are visiting her a couple times a week, you are doing well in my opinion. You are caring for her now by taking charge of her well-being, you're doing a good job and I commend you, considering the upbringing you speak of. You're doing what you can, and probably more.

When my sons moved out of our house, I thought, okay, now what do I do. There was such a void, being married 20 some years at that time, I was totally lost. We had invested so much time into their activities, life seemed to stop. But, you find a way to fill the void, do more things together that you couldn't do before. Stay close to your best friend daughter, but this is where it becomes very important to rekindle a good friendship with your husband. It's not easy, it doesn't just happen. Takes some work, some bending, some talking, but it is possible. I looked at my husband, like "hey, do I know you?"...yeah, we've been together in this house for alot of years, I suppose I should get to know you again.....and it's a change, but it's a change that has to be made. Not by choice, I would have loved my boys to be here forever and never leave and continue adding light to my otherwise dull life, but that's not possible, nor would I really want it to be. Revel in your daughter's accomplishments on her own, support her and you can be her friend from a different perspective now. Still close, maybe even closer, but have other parts of your life that were "waiting" come out again. I always said my boys and I were "joined-at-the-hip" when they lived here. It's a hard knot in your throat to swallow when they go out on their own, but you live through it and you have to find joys in other ways now. Now I have a granddaughter from the one son's move and subsequent marriage, and I don't know how I ever got along without her! 🙂
So, see, life goes on, it changes, some for the good, some for the worse, but you have to keep working at it, keep on keepin on, ya know?

Hope something I rambled on about made you feel better, at least, not alone.

July 29, 2001
1:01 am
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counslr336
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Johnnie, it seems to me that you are placing all your promlems on the day your daughter left the house. Maybe the problems were there but you were not aware of them because your daughter was a cruth for you to hang on so you could forget the other problems in your family.Your daughter probobly knew this and did not think that leaving home would not affect your daily life. Sometimes it is hard to severe the cord that we have with our children but we have to let them have thier own lives and to discover a better world that is confortrable for them.Look into your situation closely and do not put the blame on other cercumstances.

July 29, 2001
5:00 am
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what i think is: ur mother treated you bad, so whats there to feel guilty about?
why do u force urself to visit her ? why ??
she was bad to you! why are you good to her! please ignore your mother. youre much better off withouht a person like her. i cant beleive she stole ur money and damaged ur self-esteem.
get out of the trap. for once, stop relations with ur mother. kick her out of your life. when u're able to do that, u'll be stronger afterwards, gaurantee.

you said : Over the last 5 years I have had to put up with her accusing me of stealing her money.
and then you say u feel guilty for putting her int he nursing home.
PLEASE forgod sake, ur a nice person. ditch your mother. you should have done this long before.
it migth even have made ur mom realze what she did, and then after she said sorry to you, you would have felt much stronger!!

i have done this and my mother has said sorry for whatever she did to me! it didnt change things, but yes, it took many things off from my mind.
so first off dithc your mother.
ur life. i cant force u to do anything. good luck.
dump ur mother for GOD sake. i sound depsrate, but its making me crazy how you can allow ur mom to do all that stuff to you and then you feel guilty of putting her in a nursing home.
infact its a favour you did on her.

July 29, 2001
6:20 am
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johnnie
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The 3 messages I have received have really helped me. Thank You. My husband and I had a talk last night, I told him how I felt about my daughter leaving, my mother how I just can't force myself to see her and I feel so guilty, it helped some, he's a strong person and can just tell himself he's going to handle it, it's life and go on but I just can't seem to do that and he doesn't seem to understand people who can't.

We also talked about his relationship with his "friend". He keeps telling me he's just trying to pull her out of the white trashy gully she's in. I don't see that happening myself. I try to keep a cool head but I just blow up when he's mentions her name. It's so hard, she's young 26 with everything in front of her. He says she doesn't want to cause problems in our marriage but I just can't understand why she thinks she wouldn't. She had a son with a married man when she was 19 so doesn't seem to really bother her.

My husband seems to try and give me all the reinsurance I need about our relationship. He says nothing has changed with us since the beginning of his relationship with his friend,he's just trying to help her out. I just don't know what to believe. I just need to handle it better, not say nasty things about her and accuse him of things I don't really know is going on or not.

How's everyone else handle this situtation? I can't rule his life by picking and choosing his friends. He really doesn't have any friends except work ones that he only sees there. I don't want him saying I can't have my friends so what right do I have to say he can't have any?

I just feel so insecure. He's says it's my surroundings and I put too much into our relationship, he's the only real friend I have ever had. I was always a stay at home mother I had a small home business. I still have this business and I'm at home working 6 days a week. These last couple of years I have tried to find part time work just to get out of the house, but because of not many skills I can't find a position. I have found a one day a week working but it's not much and I do like it but I'm still isolated from people, I work on my own, I'm on the road going from location to location. I have one friend I do go shopping with and we talk, but I don't have anyone else but my husband. So I keep thinking that's why I'm so defensive when he talks about his relationship with his "friend". I keep saying to myself stay calm, cool, be nice and sweet, but it's not easy when I crenge when he mentions her name. I don't want to share him.

Johnnie

July 29, 2001
12:42 pm
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Molly
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Johnnie, men and women are different, he has crossed a boundry line, enough is enough, he feels secure enough to continue, thinking he is doing nothing wrong, don't care who or what she is it is more attention than you are getting and that is where the problem lies. he may be a victim, she may be so manipulative that he can't see it, thus its you that is crazy in his eyes. Don't think so, even if he were a male golf buddy, you would feel left out.
This could be a great big argument that you can push to the wall, or you can just focus on your needs right now. He can't hear you, and can't drop it right now, so fight the war that you might not win, get depressed or speak your truth, ask him to honor you, and give him some space, to initiate change.
The mom thing, be at peace, you have done what you can, you are human, can handle only so much stress, and just check up on her once and a while, let the pros take care of her.
The empty nest syndrome I can so relate, but that is what we get for giving them wings and teaching them to fly, let them fly, they will return to the nest. Its such a hard adjustment, its been 3 years for me since the youngest left, and that happened the same year my pain in the ass mother died, a relief, yet upset
all in its own.
Sounds like you need to get out of your rut, and go play, find some new friends, new things to explore, and a damn good vacation.
Ladeska usually has some good ideas, like putting your underwear on your head, and toilet papering the neighborhood, that should get hubbies attention. In fact why don't you plan a vacation for mr executive, and get him away from his surrogate child, men go through need based feelings too. What your going through is the doll drums of life, its up to us to make it different, it just takes so damn much energy. Its your time now, make the most of it.

July 30, 2001
6:04 pm
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Listen...
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ok - but don't accuse him. Don't even suggest it.

I wouldn't have sex with him though until the trust is back.

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