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wondering if this site is really right for me
November 5, 2006
10:48 am
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loverbee
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I have noticed that while I am going through the hardest time I have had here on this site, seems people arent very helpful. A few of you have been but many of you have been...well not...I don't know, maybe I need more support than this and I should just turn to my friends and family. I already have been just seems pointless now to ask for advice here.

November 5, 2006
10:55 am
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Jenni
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(((loverbee))) I'm so sorry, Honey, that it hasn't felt very supportive here, lately. I want you to know that you are thought of and cared for. I haven't been around as much in the last couple of weeks due to some issues going on here at home. But I hope to me around more as time goes by.

Just know that I'm willing to listen anytime I'm here. Hang in there and don't give up on this site, just yet.

(((LB)))

Jen

November 5, 2006
11:05 am
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ggfred4
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loverbee, I am sorry too...the last two weeks have been very bad for me and I have not branched out to others like I should...what you are going through has happened to me, too, but don't give up loverbee!!! Again, I am sorry...

November 5, 2006
11:07 am
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ggfred4
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loverbee, had to add this too...sometimes I read other threads, but don't identify with the problem and am scared to give advice and hope those with similar situations will come to the aid...guess that is not right either...maybe, I need to work on that...take care...

November 5, 2006
11:18 am
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loverbee
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I guess its not that anyone is doing anything wrong I am just confused as to what I need. maybe i am trying to get the heartbreak to heal too fast and since it won't I don't know what to do. We are still the best of friends. Have been hanging out because he still has to find a place to live and nothing is wierd about it. I still enjoy his company so much and he still has so much fun with me. I am teaching him to cook a little and stuff but there is an element of love in it still. Most breakups happen screaming yelling, lying and cheating and ours was just kind of like "I really want us to be happy," and I said "Me too." and he said "Maybe we just need to have a really normal last year of college and it might not be such a bad idea for me to move on campus." I told him I thought he was right. Not because we don't enjoy living together but because we like it a little too much and it would be really good for us to just make some friends of our own and be a young adult before we go into the real world. So I guess that was the jist of it and it is taking some time to get used to.

November 5, 2006
11:24 am
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Jenni
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LB, I replied on your "Picking up the pieces" thread and your breakup thread.

I think what you're doing is very mature. And it could be much worse by parting with anger, which is not the case here. And I find that to be somewhat easier.

But who knows what the future may hold. This may just be a time for a break. It may not be forever. But it does get easier with time. Each day that passes is a closer day to feeling better. So just hold some hope in that.

(((LB)))

November 5, 2006
11:29 am
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loverbee
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Thanks all. I am going shopping today with a friend which should help a little. I am so glad I got to have such a great love as my first everything. It made my life wonderful for a while and it will continue to but only after a little while.

November 5, 2006
11:30 am
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Jenni
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Hang in there, Sweetie. It will get better. Enjoy your shopping! I find "retail therapy" to be very healing! Infact, I might do some myself, today! 😉

November 5, 2006
11:33 am
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doubleloss
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hi loverbee. I haven't read your other posts, but reading the jist of it, well, break ups are always hard, doesn't matter how civilized they are. it's giving up more than the companionship, physical + emotional connection...is about the loss of hopes and dreams, and that is very very hard to let go of. so i guess, don't try to rush anything.

November 5, 2006
11:34 am
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mj
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Hi,
There was a meditation on greiving losses the other day from Language of letting go Melody Beattie that was on this subject.

I will find it and post it for you!

The Grief Process

To let ourselves wholly grieve our losses is how we surrender to the process of life and recovery. Some experts, like Patrick Carnes, call the Twelve Steps "a program for dealing with our losses, a program for dealing with our grief."

How do we grieve?

Awkwardly. Imperfectly. Usually with a great deal of resistance. Often with anger and attempts to negotiate. Ultimately, by surrendering to the pain.

The grief process, says Elisabeth Kubler Ross, is a five stage process: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and, finally, acceptance. That's how we grieve; that's how we accept; that's how we forgive; that's how we respond to the many changes life throws our way.

Although this five-step process looks tidy on paper, it is not tidy in life. We do not move through it in a compartmentalized manner. We usually flounder through, kicking and screaming, with much back and forth movement - until we reach that peaceful state called acceptance.

When we talk about "unfinished business" from our past, we are usually referring to losses about which we have not completed grieving. We're talking about being stuck somewhere in the grief process. Usually, for adult children and codependents, the place where we become stuck is denial.. Passing through denial is the first and most dangerous stage of grieving, but it is also the first step toward acceptance.

We can learn to understand the grief process and how it applies to recovery. Even good changes in recovery can bring loss and, consequently, grief. We can learn to help others and ourselves by understanding and becoming familiar with this process. We can learn to fully grieve our losses, feel our pain, accept, and forgive, so we can feel joy and love.

Today, God, help me open myself to the process of grieving my losses. Help me allow myself to flow through the grief process, accepting all the stages so I might achieve peace and acceptance in my life. Help me learn to be gentle with others and myself while we go through this very human process of healing.

Wishing you Serenity and Peace

November 5, 2006
12:06 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Loverbee,

I'm sorry that you feel you aren't getting the support that you need here. I have been dealing with a lot of my own crap in my life, on top of school and work, etc.etc. and I know that I have been neglecting others here on this site. Sometimes I feel guilty for that but I also have to remember.....we all have to remember... that is the whole point of this site....to learn about ourselves and to grow.

This place has been a Godsend for me. It has helped me more than I can express in words....but I think it is also important to remember that the people here are not professionals and that we are all struggling with our own issues as well. It is so important to use this site as a tool....one of many tools....to help us through our struggles and our journey's to recovery.

Although I think you should continue coming here (because we love you 🙂 but I also think it is a great idea to use your friends and family as support as well. And perhaps even therapy or support group, in combination with this site. Combined, perhaps you will get the support and help that you need to help you through this difficult time.

We love you kiddo....don't ever forget that. Do everything you can to help you have the life that you deserve.

Love,
lolli

November 5, 2006
2:22 pm
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StronginHim77
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Geez...I feel like a jerk. I have ready alot of your postings, Loverbee, but often remain silent because I am not sure what to say and/or my perspective might be kind of "out of date for you" because of our generational differences. (I am one of the OLDER posters on these threads!)

I think the way you have chosen to move out onto your own is a good one. You are young...if this relationship is THE relationship for you, it will survive the test of a separation. One of my sons is your age and I know that he has changed dramatically INSIDE, since reaching his late teens and early twenties. The person he loved deeply at 19 would never fit into his life now because he has matured and changed so much. And he is very grateful that he didn't marry or permanently hook up with anyone he loved "back then."

So, from what my son has taught me, you have probably made a wise -- if somewhat sad -- choice. But it will work out well for you in the long run.

- Ma Strong

November 5, 2006
2:48 pm
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Rasputin
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LB - Sorry honey for your perception that you haven't been cared for. It is ONLY you perception but not the truth.

I honestly answer whenever I'm available and happened to be online. I cannot read ALL the threads all the time. That's impossible.

Please do not take things personally. It was just an accident. I love you and care about you and I answered to a number of your threads.

(((LB)))

November 5, 2006
6:31 pm
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loverbee
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I know it was an accident all and I guess it is hard feeling nurtured and cared for when you have no control over your emotions which I don't right now. It is stupid but I feel hormonal almost although I know it is partly because of the emotional roller coaster that goes with breaking up. i have never had a friendship like this let alone a relationship and it is so powerful to know that someone loves me so much he is willing to let me go. We both need to let eachother go and grow so that when the time is right, we may meet again or part ways romantically. His mother wrote me a sweet letter that said I will always be family and she loves me very much. His family and I are very close. The one thing that bothers me is that my sister and I are close and she has been checking in on me every day and when he asked his brother if they could hang out during the week because he was realy going through a hard time and they go to the same college, his brother said no. He said he only wanted to hang out once a month because "what would people think?" I wanted to smack his brother because he was being so cold and cruel.

November 8, 2006
12:32 am
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smarterone
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Sorry Loverbee, but i do the same as gg said. We do read but i dont sign in. Ill change that. Everyone needs someone.
Good medicine for your depression: SHOPPING.
CHARGE IT!!!!!

Enjoy

November 8, 2006
8:38 am
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loverbee
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yes and it is also nice to take bubble baths and spend time with my neighbors new puppy. My sister is pretty good medicine too.

November 8, 2006
8:59 am
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2alone
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I'm sorry you're going through this break-up and having to deal with it in an "adult" way by still living with him for a while. My boyfriend lives 7 hours from me and broke it off over the phone this past weekend as I was driving to his place. I hurt so bad and I don't even have to face him every day. Please know that you'll make it through this and will be in a better place soon enough. I know others have commended you on being a civilized person making this break-up as easy as possible - but in some ways hearing "I hate you" is easier to understand that the relationship is really over. Lean on your friends. Do as much as you can to get involved in things outside of your house. Start pulling back from him now emotionally and physically. It will make the process easier. I wish I could give you a hug and take you out for icecream so we could co-misserate in person.

November 8, 2006
9:40 am
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loverbee
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Yes I agree it would be easier in some ways. But I get to spend from Dec. 22 to January 17th in Hawaii with my sister which I am so excited for. I am taking yoga classes with my girlfriends and thursday night we are going to a karaoke bar. It is nice to keep busy especially since I have tons of school work on top of it. I am really going to focus on that since I want to graduate on a good note. Next semester, I signed up for drawing classes and voice lessons to fill my time and I am taking gingerbread making workshop when I get back from thanksgiving. This weekend I am going to visit with all my friends in NYC who graduated last year that I haven't seen in mos. and they are always a great bunch to make me feel better. I think it is going to be ok.

November 8, 2006
9:42 am
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loverbee,

I really like you!!! So sorry you feel you can't what you need.

I'm thinking everyone has felt that way at times here. The threads that remain on top are the ones that get attention and there are SO MANY THREADS. If I want to continue a conversation and I do not "note" its title, I've spent a lot of time just hunting for it. Huge factor.

And we do not always feel we have anything helpful to say sometimes. Although empathy runs deep here.....

November 8, 2006
10:08 am
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loverbee
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I know brynnie. I am feeling a little less neglected its just hard to have no control over my emotions right now but yesterday was a bad day and today is better and it has been going like that every other day. I guess it is what is expected.

November 8, 2006
10:24 am
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Hi you are here!!

I was reading the thread "bipolar is taking over me" -- Jewel is really stressing out and her emotions are all over. And this very nice Maggalisa has posted some calm and logical small things to help her get back into control. It is worth reading and might be helpful to you in how you are feeling right now.

And by the way, good grief, you are doing SO MANY cool things -- how could it NOT get better!!!

November 8, 2006
10:40 am
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Soulsister
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(((Loverbee)))

I don't come over to this side much anymore..because "the sex thread" got moved to the libs side..but..just wanted to stop in and give you a big hug!! Love Soulsister

November 8, 2006
11:16 am
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jastypes
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Loverbee,

While this site is a support, with warm, caring people. It is not the be-all and end-all to our problems and situations. Many of us need (and get) more help. People here are on meds, in private counseling, in face-to-face support groups, relying on real-life friends, family and churches for help and support, as well as coming here to vent, seek advice, give advice, and share our journeys with one another.

jill

November 8, 2006
11:20 am
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loverbee
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This is so funny that these things are being said cause in reality, I started this thread a few days ago and have been over it since. I am PMSing at the same time I am going through the breakup so my emotions are a little all over but I have been seeing my therapist, hangin out with friends etc... So I think I will be ok

November 8, 2006
12:11 pm
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gracenotes
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loverbee,

I have responded to you recently on a thread, and I hope this thread lets you know we are with you, though sometimes sooo much wrapped up in our own lives. It sounds like you are really doing great in taking care of yourself too.

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