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wonderful at first, now distrustful, suspecious
May 15, 2001
3:57 pm
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skimbleshanks
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September 24, 2010
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Hello out there! If anyone else here has had this experience, please let me know. My email, if you so care to indulge in private discussions is [email protected].

Well, I met a guy four months ago. We felt a deep connection and fell in love. We are still in love. The thing is, he works weird hours on the weekend, and i don't feel we get to bond as a couple by going out on "normal" dates. My other complaint is with other women. I've gotten over the fact that, as a professional photographer, he occasionally does nudes. I've gotten over the fact that he now works the same hours, and same place as his ex-girlfriend (who incidentally broke him in two). He broke up with her 10 months ago. We all have baggage... I have finally gotten over a guy i've loved for 2-1/2 years.

So on we go into the relationship, and after a couple of weeks delcare mutually that we had no interest in dating any one else. Exclusivity - yeah! It all feels great, but I have a MAJOR trust issue. Someone I work with told me yesterday she saw him sitting with a woman - where he works - before his work hours start, and both of them sitting on one side of a booth talking and eating. I believed her, though she said she could have been wrong. I believed her and went temporarily insane. My afternoon was spent on finding him and confronting him with the story, instead of working like I was supposed to. I did get a small amount of work done, but was obsessed with the news so much, that today I am exhausted from the emotional stress.

Distrust of this kind is dangerous, yet I dont' know how to NOT feel it. I love this man so very much. But, I've been really hurt in the past, and that in itself is challenging me to try and love again.

I need spritual strength, emotional assurance, and better physical health. I am a complete mess and dont' know what to do.

Fortunately, this wonderful, caring man sitll wants me - after all this insanity. i am the luckiest woman alive! how can i keep this trust issue at bay? How can i find reassurance inside myself, and not constantly ask him for it? I don't want to love this person. I want eventually to have a family with him, though I haven't discussed this idea with him. I love him that much - to have his child. of course, since i am 38, i do want a child before i get too old. perhaps i'm being selfish.

should I tell him one of my goals in life is to have a child?

i still need advice on the trust issue. He's really never done anything - that i know of - to prove himself untrustworthy. he's just had a weird schedule - one i'm not dealing with very well. and he is an artist, openminded and thinking. he sees his nudes as artworks, as very well he should. why can't i fully trust? Why - even only a day later since a make-up - do i feel it creeping in again?

Help!!!

May 15, 2001
5:55 pm
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Molly
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Don't mean to sound mean, or judgemental, but love takes time, trust takes time, and what is the rush besides your bio clock, and yea with an artist type you best tell him what your looking for. We women move to fast, give to much, and like an open wound start bleeding again, wondering what the hell went wrong.
The way to cure your feelings, is to spend time with out a man, sorry but it works, at least one year, develop a sense of trust in your self, I mean in 4 months you think you know him, and want him to father your child???
romance is exciting, the rush from lust could make you forget anything including the last 21/2 year relationship, and you say he was broken in two by his last girl friend, are you sure your not the rebound chick?? Heal the wounds, like getting back on a horse? Then just go out ridding? With his occupation, you need to be real secure with yourself, and with the relationship, and that if we ever get to that point takes time, and proof. If you did obcess and not work, and track him down, it will not go over good, and maybe you should follow this strong instinct, before you do have his child and find your self in a real mess. Think about what you would suggest to your daughter.

May 15, 2001
7:14 pm
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gingerleigh
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To reiterate one of Molly's points, 4 months is no time at all. There really is no set "time limit" where you can say, "OK, it's been enough time and now I really know the person" since that varies for everyone. But, I think it's safe to say that 4 months is not a lot of time to really know if a man has what it takes to be your life partner.

I hear a lot of people and therapists (not that therapists aren't people of course!) say that women should spend time without a man. I'm not sure if I agree completely. I think it's more helpful to say that women should spend time focusing on themselves for a while before expanding into a relationship. Some people with happy healthy boundaries can do this while in the midst of dating, while other people tend to get so caught up in relationships that they forget to take care of themselves. It's different for everyone because each of us are unique.

My point is that you might not want or need to go such an extreme route as calling the relationship off, but it would be a good idea to "back off" a bit. Take some time out for you, and try to ignore the biological clock and passion that is propelling you towards joining your life with another person through marriage and family.

May 16, 2001
10:41 am
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skimbleshanks
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September 24, 2010
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Thank you so much for your feedback. I think what I need to to di NOT to drop this guy - because he so loving and sweet. It would be disaster and a true loss for me. Probably telling him I need to spend time apart, and perhaps limit our time together is the way to go. I really need to get perspective. Being with him in order to fill my "love tank" up is not a good reason. It needs to be a give as well as take situation. But when to begin seeing each other more often? It seems like that will have to be tested. And if he wants to stay around for it, he could benefit from the space and test period too. I realize now that I have been dependent on him for support, when I need to seek it from myself.

Maybe i should just go on to the sperm bank and get a baby. THAT should take the pressure off somwhat.

Thanks Again...

May 16, 2001
1:47 pm
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struggler
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It is true, you have unusual circumstances, As my fiance" has told me time and time again, it takes two to be unfaithful and if you love him and you are sure that he loves you , understand that committment means exclusive, emotionally and physically.

If you feel lonely, tell him. Be honest with your feelings and allow him the opportunity to make you feel more secure.

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