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Women's opinions needed
April 8, 2009
8:46 am
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Needmydaughter
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Hi everyone, I am new here, but hope I could get some opinions/advice. I have been having a rough time lately. This is a long story, but I will try to catch everyone up.

I have been married for slightly less than 5 years, separated multiple times, and I have been recently separated for the final time since the beginning of January, particularly the 5th. We are divorcing this time. First off, she, we will call her W, couldn't leave until February 13th, so there was a month and a half of constant fighting, and she didn't seem to understand why, because we just don't get along, I told her that we needed to be apart.

So, W finally leaves, and before she leaves, I found out that she had a boyfriend who was moving up from Florida that she had met online to live with her in her new apartment. I didn't really mind, because I was/am seeing someone who we will call SH. First off, I told W that she could take whatever it is that she wanted, and I was letting her decide on everything. To help her, I let her have the entire income tax return, which was approximately $7,000, (even though she didn't work last year). We had agreed to be civil. I was helping as much as I could. I even drove the U-haul to her new apartment and waited while she got the keys to her apartment. Then she left to get her boyfriend from the airport, and I then unloaded all of her stuff from the truck and just sat around for a few hours while she got lost trying to come back.

So W finds out about SH, and she goes off the deep end. SH is someone that I work with that I was friends with for a while. Nothing had happened before I separated with W. I never looked at SH that way until around the time I was getting separated with W. I wanted to make sure that nothing happened before then. W and I have a 4 year old daughter, we will call her H. W said that because I was staying in the house, if SH moved in it would confuse H, and all W ever does is insult SH constantly, when in my opinion, W could never hold a candle to SH. SH is a much different person than W, and she is absolutely more my type. I honestly just want to go separate ways with W, but all she wants to do is keep putting SH down, and because of her, W is trying to keep me from seeing H, eventhough I have been paying child support. I go to see a lawyer this Friday to see what I can do, but it isn't fair at all. What can I do?

April 8, 2009
9:00 am
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atalose
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Aside from all the drama, I would think your main concern would be W is moving a perfect stranger into her home that will be around your 4 year old daughter.

The rest is easy, step away from the drama. If you keep the focus solely on your daughter and her best interests then what W says about SH shouldn’t even matter. All that is just nonsense.

I would definitely share my concern about this stranger with your lawyer.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 8, 2009
9:15 am
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Needmydaughter
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Yes, and I told W that and she said that it was different. I don't see how she could be so irresponsible. W says that he isn't there anymore, because I constantly tell her that her having a problem with SH, is just like me having a problem with her stranger. W keeping H away from me is definately very difficult for me to deal with. I seriously can't handle her smart remarks when it comes to why I can not have her. I had been reduced down to seeing H only on the weekends and then W immediately starts taking them away from me, saying that H is already doing something on the weekend. The hard part about it is, that W moved an hour and a half away from my house, so it isn't like I can just go and see H in the evenings or something, it is too long of a round trip, because I don't usually get home until 5. I just don't understand how she could use her against me that way. Am I the only man that wants to be with his daughter?

April 8, 2009
10:20 am
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RobynB
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No, you most certainly are not the only man who wants to be with his daughter. My bf has a beautiful 15 yr old daughter and shares custody. Fortunately, his ex-wife is proactive in allowing them to have a good relationship. That being said, his ex-wife did not take time in introducing her boyfriends to their daughter and early on it caused some issues for their daughter, which is why he was very protective and waited until the time was right for us to meet.

Generally, this boils down to "W" having control and jealousy issues. She has no right to keep your daughter away. Sounds like maybe you both need to schedule a group counseling session to get this sorted out.

A lot of this might go away when the pain of the divorce stops... I know that certainly seems to be the case in the relationship I'm in. But his divorce was final almost 2 years ago so there has been plenty of time for the dust to settle.

April 8, 2009
11:43 am
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Needmydaughter
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I have gone through my parents getting a divorce and I was younger, I just keep thinking of that situation, and I feel like I have done nothing wrong. I guess I do remember my mom being very angry with my dad for some time. Hopefully this will stop.

Next problem is that today all W wants to do is fight, no surprise there. She is talking about moving to Florida, and I will hardly ever get to see my daughter. I don't know what to do right now, I am shaking becuase all W wants to do is insult me, SH, and makes comments about how I don't care about H, because if I did, I wouldn't have ended it with her. My only comment is... If I wasn't happy with her, because we couldn't get along, should I have stayed, being miserable for the rest of my life, to protect the feelings of W and H? I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, but don't I deserve to be happy too?

April 8, 2009
12:07 pm
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soofoo
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Needmydaughter,

I am a woman, and you asked for a woman's opinion.

You did not separate with your wife until Feb 13th. That month and a half that she was still living with you, does not count as being separated. So if you were dating someone else during that time, you were doing something that was bound to cause feelings of jealousy.

That having been said, she has no right to keep you from your daughter and you have no right to keep her from her daughter. You have a girlfriend and she has a boyfriend and THEY have nothing to do with this. It's none of your business if W has her boyfriend living with her. As it is none of hers if you are "exposing" your daughter to SH. Neither one of these people are strangers. Your daughter has a mom and a dad and mom and dad will protect her and care for her, regardless of who they are dating. If you don't want W poking around your relationship with SH, then you will have to trust her judgment with the boyfriend and keep your nose out of it.

You are getting a divorce, which means you are not going to see your daughter as often as you did when she lived with you. Obviously, you knew W was moving your daughter an hour and a half away, because you helped her move. Obviously, it was okay with you to not live with your daughter. You weren't complaining before.

As far as seeing your daughter, you don't need this web site, you need to go down to family court and put in a motion for visitation. You'll get visitation with your daughter, but the longer you put it off, the longer you will have to wait.

You are going to have a lot of emotional needs right now. Being a good parent means you don't put them on your daughter. Don't think it makes you a good dad to need your daughter. It doesn't. It makes you a good parent to take care of your child's needs. If she has stuff to do on the weekends, that's good, you can take her there, to birthday parties or soccer games or whatever and support her. Remember that your parenting time is a responsibility, and not your time to fill up the holes in your heart. It's a job to take care of your child, just like it was before you were separated.

It is going to be hard for you to build a relationship with SH, and also maintain your connection with your daughter at the same time, while working a full time job, and doing all the other stuff of life. I guarantee you if you show up at W's house with SH in arm, to pick up your daughter you're going to get some static. But if you put your daughter first, it's going to be fine.

April 8, 2009
12:34 pm
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fantas
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Obviously, your ex was fine with moving on with another man until she saw you with someone else then started the drama. If I were you, I would take that as the way your relationship regarding anything will proceed from here. So the only thing to do is get a court ordered visitation schedule. If picking your daughter is proving to be drama filled, which makes it really difficult for her, you can request in the court order, to have the mom bring her to a neutral public place that's more peaceful. Right now, I would suggest getting your daughter into counseling. The divorce, fighting, drama... is scarring her.

I do not think, this is a good time for either one of you to be starting relationships. This poor child has just had her whole life turned upside down, and inside out and before she has a minute to take it all in, she now has to start getting along with other people. Can we say, "hello anxiety, fear, depression, insecurity, sleeplessness" and good bye "stability, care free, childhood, happy, safe, normal,sweet dreams, routine". I can't even begin to imagine how she is emotionally coping with all this. Her psychological skin must be very, very, sensitive right now.

Since you have both decided you don't want to be with each other, you should stop looking at each other and concentrate on her and her well being. If you guys divorced because you couldn't be together, which must have made her life a living hell, especially that last month, then life without the two of you together should be better not worse than it was. While you guys transition to your other relationships, she now has to transition into 4 different relationships which she must learn to work with. Please look after her.

April 8, 2009
5:55 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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In my state and in many states once you are divorcing you have to attend a parenting class before the judge will sign the divorce decree. There is a clause in my divorce decree that states "a member of the opposite sex, who is not related by blood or marriage shall not spend the night in the home of the minor child."

Whatever you do do not withold child support. Send cashiers checks so that you have record and then have it paid through the court system.

See an attorney and get your visitation. Date SW but do not have her around your daughter at this time. Daddy/Daughter time should be special right now and she should not have to compete with anyone for mommy or daddy's attention right now.

Bitsy

April 8, 2009
6:57 pm
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Terriberry
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Needmydaughter,

You are getting alot of great advice. One thing that I might add is to do a goggle search in your area for father's rights. There are support groups that will help you to get the help you need. So that you can do what is best for both your daughter and you.

tb

April 13, 2009
8:38 am
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Needmydaughter
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Thursday I had an appointment with my lawyer,and told her everything that was going on with W, and she was very angry. She said that she will stop it right away, so she is filing a complaint to custody, within the next couple days. She said that she can get me some type of shared custody and then W won't be able to play the games with me. If she does, it will be violating a court order, and it will not put her in a very good position at all. I did tell my lawyer about SH, and she said that it is fine, that it won't matter. I definately feel more confident that I have a good lawyer on my side, and she gave me a lot of good information that will help me moving forward. There is light at the end of the tunnel...

April 13, 2009
3:20 pm
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I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.

I would like to give you the link below for your information. This is a self-help divorce link but that is not the reason I am giving it to you. When you get to this link click the STATE you live in and then go to the bottom of the page and click on "SITE MAP". There you will find your state's laws on custody, child support, and just about any other thing that has to do w/ family matters.

I know you have an attorney, but if you, yourself, know your state laws it will first help you w/ your anxiety level, but also help you in knowing what is and is not allowed. That way when W shoots off her mouth you can have peace inside that she is just blowin hot air. It may also bring something to mind you need to inform your attorney of so that you can make sure your child is taken care of.

The only thing I would like to add is this. W may badmouth your girlfriend all she wants, and you too for that matter, BUT you DO NOT badmouth her or the other guy to your child. I guarantee you this.... the person doing the badmouthing the child will grow to not trust and not want to be around. We told folks that in the law office I worked in always. DO NOT be the one badmouthing coz it will backfire on her.

One other thing. Keep a journal of everything that happens from the problems she causes, the things she says, the things you pick up from your daughter that may be of interest to help her. Keep the journal so that you do not have to try to remember things off the top of your head and so that you have a record of what "really" went on.

I wish you the best. Hang in there coz it will be a bumpy ride, but as long as you are there for your daughter it will come out for the best in the end. Oh, also, you DO NOT have to speak to your ex except for if it is about your daughter. As soon as she strays from the conversation you have the right to stop the conversation.

April 13, 2009
3:21 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ooops, I'm sorry, forgot to post the link.

http://www.helpyourselfdivorce.....index.html

April 14, 2009
3:52 pm
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Needmydaughter
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(mama) Thank you so much for the link, I looked around on there, and unfortunately, I live in PA, and my state isn't on there. But I did get some other good information on there. Thanks again. Things just got worse, because last night, I called to talk to my daughter after she had tried to call me twice earlier when I was napping after work. I talked to her for a bit and told her that I was going to get her on Friday night, and she kept saying no, and I didn't understand. I got W on the phone, and said that I couldn't get her, because she made plans. I had told her that I had already made plans with her, and that the weekends were my time to be with her, and she said that I need to check with her on when I can make plans. I was so angry at that point, because I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, and I don't deserve that. W said that because my plans were only spending time with my family that it didn't matter. I don't understand why she thinks that what she has planned comes first. I immediately let my lawyer know about this and she said that she was submitting the complaint for custody tomorrow, and that we will see W in court next Thursday, and then W won't be able to play these games with me, or she will be facing major consequences. I have been nothing but nice to her through all this mess, and she continues to want to hurt me in the worse way possible. I just don't understand why she wants to keep H from me when I would never do that to her, no matter how much she makes me angry. I am feeling low because of this, because I miss my daughter, and can't do anything about it right now.

April 14, 2009
5:27 pm
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MsGuided
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All I can say is file for joint custody.

It seems your Ex thrives on conflict. Even if you don't "get along" she doesn't seem to appreciate that you supported her for the last year, gave her first dibs on belongings, 7 grand! Helped her move and you're not even divorced yet and into the real splitting of assets.

I don't know the whole story of the breakup but she sounds like a controlling spoilt child. Her behaviour is spiteful and retaliatory. If a mother is like this and you give her custody say hello to being alienated from your daughter. It may get worse. A mother using their child as a pawn is just so wrong.

There's no use trying to understand, just protect yourself and don't give her the benefit of the doubt, She isn't playing fare!

My x was abusive but I never kept him from his son. He got regular visitation despite my disgust with him. My feelings weren't the issue, but the needs of the child were.

The only way to gain control over the situation, since she's irrational, is by having joint or full custody. Your Lawyer sounds like she is on point with this decision. YOU should push for it. Find out what you need to do to make it happen.

It also may relieve you of having to pay too much child support and/or alimony.

I hope you can find resolve and see your daughter every weekend very soon!

April 15, 2009
8:36 am
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Needmydaughter
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Msguided-Thank you for the words of advice. I am filing for shared joint custody, where we have H the same amount of time on a week on, week off schedule. It will definately help with child support. My attorney said that the only way that she can file for alimony is if she files for divorce, and that is kinda what my lawyer wants me to do, because then I would be in control, because I would then be the defendant. If I file and she doesn't sign the papers saying that she agrees to the divorce, she can then drag it out for 2 years, and could file for alimony and get it for all that time, and there is nothing that I can do to stop her. So, my lawyer said to just let it ride, there is nothing bad about it, just that I can't get married, which I am definately not thinking about right now.

April 15, 2009
5:55 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Needmydaughter:

I'm sorry but you should not ever be kept from your daughter as long as you are a good dad. On the other hand it is the same way w/ the mom if she is not a danger to the child. And, support being paid should always be paid. Lack of visitation has nothing to do w/ support. Just wanted to get that in. Some folks think if they don't get their visitation that they will just hold support. Never make that mistake; not sayin you would, just wanted to state it.

Pennsylvania laws are hard to explain so I am giong to send you to a website. I will give you the links (same website) to each page you need to read. It would benefit you to read more. The more you know the more you can help your attorney w/ your case. Yes, your attorney is in charge, but they often do not think of something that could be of benefit. Not that they are negligent, but it is as my doctor says to me.... "I see 40 folks per day and I do not have the time or knowledge in my brain to know everything about anyone's case, so if you can do the research then you'll be helping me provide you w/ the best care I can give." A good attorney will be open to your suggestions and findings even if they say they cannot use them or it doesn't apply. At least you'll have looked at every possibility.

Here are the pages in order that you need to read as to not totally confuse you. lol. Should I admit I get turned around if I don't have the order I need? Here they are, hope they help. Please pay particular attention to the definitions and what it says about the different type custodies.

http://www.divorcenet.com/stat.....ay_removal

http://www.divorcenet.com/stat....._procedure

http://www.divorcenet.com/stat.....r_children

All the above is from: http://www.divorcenet.com/stat.....nnsylvania

It would be most beneficial for you to go to this main page and then scroll down to "National Articles". There are many articles regarding child custody, visitation, agreements, etc. These are short articles that don't take much time to read and they could provide you w/ a wealth of information regarding the best interest of your child. There are articles under other categories also, but I am trying to not write a book here.

There are women's divorce sites and men's divorce sites. My opinion on them is that you can find helpful information there, but if you do go there beware of the onesidedness or the "stick it to the other" syndrome. You need to be fair and you need to be honest for your own benefit as well as your child's. I think the one thing that sticks out to me in the articles is this. You cannot change your spouse or how the person acts, but you can change yourself and do yourself and your child justice, even if it means taking a stand against the other parent if it is needed. But fairness and honesty will always benefit your child and you in the long run.

If you need any other help just ask. I don't mean to get long winded but there is a lot involved in researching your case.

April 16, 2009
9:06 am
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Needmydaughter
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(mam) thank you so much for the information. I read all of it, and I actually enjoyed reading up about it. I have definately learned something there. I need to speak with my attorney about a few things that may improve my case. I really appreciate the help. I hope you have a wonderful day. Thanks again!!

Need

April 22, 2009
12:16 am
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mamacinnamon
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needmydaughter:

How did court go? and how are you doing? was thinkin about you today and thought I'd ask

April 22, 2009
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Mama:

Thank you for thinking of me. Actually court is tomorrow and I am very much a wreck. I am very nervous at what is going to happen. My lawyer told me not to worry, but that is one thing that I do very well is worry. I am nervous that this will make W's attitude even worse. I know she was even worse after I called the police on her, after she hit and slapped me for a 3rd time. I have been trying not to worry, it is just very hard right now. I have to be at the court house at 8:20 tomorrow morning, so I guess I will know after that.

April 22, 2009
8:54 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I remember when my evil-x was taking me to court to take my kids away from me. I knew there was not a chance in hell, but it didn't stop me from worrying. Not until I was given a little reading to do. The book is Matthew, the chapter is 6, the verses 25 to 34.

All you have to do is tell the truth and let your attorney do the rest. She is the one that seems to be coming across as unstable. 🙂

April 23, 2009
10:16 am
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mamacinnamon
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pssst... how'd court go???

April 25, 2009
3:22 pm
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Mama:

Thank you so much for thinking of me again. Court went surprisingly well because W decided not to check the mail in over a week, and missed the summons, so she never even showed, and so the order that my attorney and I had came up with, was entered into court, and accepted, and W found out about this and freaked out. W said that I can have her, she was very upset, and was threatening suidcide again. She has since calmed down, and of course has gotten angry again, and has threatened trying to get full custody and I am sure that she will try something else, but nothing would surprise me anymore. I can't keep letting her get me down with all the stuff that she says just to hurt me. I am so tired of it, and I really just want to be happy again, it has been way too long, and I am ready for it. SH is helping me with that, and I am feeling the best that I have ever felt in my life. Eventually this will all go away, it is just going to take time and energy.

April 27, 2009
10:33 am
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Needmydaughter:

Unfortunately when we have kids there is a need for contact till the kids are emancipated, but the ONLY contact you have to have w/ her is regarding the kids. Any time she goes elsewhere then you can say "this doesn't pertain to our child, goodbye". Eventually she'll get the message. I know w/ my evil-x there was always something he was pulling till the kids be both emancipated. But, for your child you will endure. You seem to be the good father type.

If you don't mind I'd like to give you the name of a book that would be beneficial for you to read even if you are now away from your ex. It is "Codependency No More" by Melodie Beattie. Very good book and I think everyone should read it. Will help you w/ present relationships also.

If you need anything then holler. I found that when my ex threatened me I would quote Statute numbers at him and he'd have his bluff called. Just a thought. 🙂

December 12, 2011
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I thought that it has been a while, and I actually forgot about the forum for a long time, so I thought it was time for an update. 

 

In late summer of last year (2010), I had to go back to court because my daughter needed to start kindergarten, and the distance between my ex and I was a problem with a school district for H.  So W and I had to go to trial after many failed mediation sessions.  Long story short, I won primary custody and filed for child support last August.  I have yet to receive one cent.  W has been thrown in jail for not filling out job search forms for child support. 

 

H did well with kindergarten, and this year started 1st grade.  Everything is going really well.  SH and I got married this year, and we all are very happy living together.  We moved out of the house that I had with W a few years ago.  Things have been going really well, and I wanted to thank everyone for the help that I received.  Thank you again, and have a Merry Christmas!!!

December 13, 2011
11:49 am
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That is really awesome!   It is nice to hear when someone is doing well. 

 

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

 

((((HUGS!))))Smile

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