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Withdrawal
November 30, 2001
9:34 am
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artist 2
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I am feeling those sweet loving feelings again for my ex. He hit me only days ago, yet I'm wanting to be with him and love him once more. Am I insane? I want to forgive him all that and take him back in. I want to heal the pain i've caused him by the arrest, etc. It sounds crazy and I feel crazy, but I'd do it if he called me or spoke to me. Can any one advise?

November 30, 2001
10:01 am
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I know you've been through some bad stuff Blondie, and I'm sorry.

November 30, 2001
10:05 am
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I guess I just need for someone to be good to me so badly, I'm ready to give him another chance. He was good to me when he loved me. Maybe he'll be remorseful enough to change.

November 30, 2001
10:58 am
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What ever you do, DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. He might be nice and sweet, but when he gets angry the anger from the arrest will come out and you will have the bruises and broken heart and possible broken bones to prove it. Stay away from all things HIM and tend to your-self. Go out to a night club and dance with a hot guy. Go to a movie. How about that lifetime movie that has that girl that played Jo on facts of life, the movie where her husband crushes her skull in front of the entire neighborhood cause the were too dumb to stop him. Take some time to heal your soul, then think about it again in about a month and see how you feel then. But you have to stay away for a month.

November 30, 2001
11:55 am
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Thanks Gypsy - 21 days right?

November 30, 2001
11:56 am
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Thanks Gypsy - 21 days right?

November 30, 2001
11:59 am
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21 Days, Girl.

November 30, 2001
12:18 pm
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Warning - this is long.... But, it's one of my writings I thought I would share with you. Hope it helps.

How You Become Prey to a Charmer/Abuser Personality?

First, I would like you to know that when I say “abuser” in the above title, I may not be talking about obvious abuse, as in, physical violence or yelling and screaming. Passive/aggressive abuse can be just as deadly and is actually - more used by - people who are more advanced in the arena of........”charm”...... as I will speak of it here.

Obviously, we want to know how we ever get caught up in a spiderweb in the first place. If we were conscious of what we were doing, we would not be doing it. Or at least, a great number of us would not be doing it. There are those who have closed all doors and are definitely on a suicide mission, however slow or fast. But, I’m not talking to them. I’m talking to those of you who are listening and want to learn and grow. This personality that I refer to as charmer/abusive will be called the C.A. throughout the rest of this writing.

You need to view a C.A. as someone who does not have the same values as you - at all. They are a chameleon because it serves their purpose. They quickly “put on” whatever “you are” and “need” in order to - use you for whatever they need from you. They are, indeed, a great sales person. The kind that “does not” repel you, but instead - draws you closer and closer and closer. How do they gain entrance into your life? Read the following and take the time to look back over your life. There is opportunity here for life changes.

1. A C.A. looks for victims with the following characteristics: low self-esteem, a past with a lot of trauma, cocky rebelliousness, neediness, and a pattern of relationships with men that were not healthy.

2. They listen intently to you, as you, voluntarily tell them your innermost thoughts, secrets, deep hurts and dreams. They quickly assimilate from this what kind of camouflage to weave for you. “You tell them” - what to become, in order that they might hide who they really are from you.

3. While they may not come over completely to your way of thinking about everything, they will agree with you on certain things that are very important to you. For example, if you have been abused in your life, they will assume the position of “protector” and will be a great empathizer regarding your pain. They look for the “red flashing lights” and become a ready-made ally for you in some way. If you are a single mother, he might all “too quickly” become super-dad, because he knows how vulnerable you are in this respect.

4. They quickly want to become physical with you because once that happens, you instantly have a cloud over your eyes. C.A.’s know this about women, especially wounded women and they use it to their utmost advantage. C.A.’s know that touch and physical gratification in the sexual realm is like a drug of comfort for you. It’s almost like heroin for women who have been sexually abused. It tells a woman, in an instant “microwave push-button” sort of way - that they are wanted, worthy and valuable. Of course, this is so very far from the truth. But, it works. It works very well. And C.A.’s know that whatever radar you did have going on - will now be majorly - disconnected. Kind of like the burglar who snips all the wires to the phone and the electricity before entering the home to steal the valuables.

5. He listens to what you tell him about - how people have controlled or manipulated you in the past and he uses the same weapons, but may employ different maneuvers so you don’t recognize it. For example, you say that you could not stand it when your last boyfriend was jealous of you all the time. He then never berates you like the other boyfriend did by always flying off the handle, but might take a more quiet and passive route of doing it. He may just drop little hints - constantly, but in such a way that you can’t really call him on it. It just becomes the continual dripping faucet in your life. He’s always calling you when you’re supposed to be home for no apparent reason, or calling you right when you are to be home, or later that night he shows up with a convincing reason, but really might be more along the lines of - are you really alone? But, it’s just really hard to nail him on his jealousy because he isn’t really blatant about it in your book. This is “blatant”, but “you don’t recognize it as that”. This is the important thing to see here. He will take advantage of your “cloudiness” here and will disguise it as him just caring about you in some way. And you will hesitate time and time again to really call it - for what it is.

6. C.A.’s will capitalize on your need - to be needed in their life. And you are needed by them. Otherwise, they would not be reeling you in. They know that you are going to equate your worth, as a woman, based on how much you can do for them and be “needed” by them. And.....they do need you, for something - for a season. So, consequently, in their mind - it’s a fair trade. You need to be needed and they need something from you. Do not kid yourself into believing this is going to be a - fair trade. They stroke your ego and your emotional side for awhile and they drain from you - whatever they want. There is no need for them to have a conscience about this, because it’s like any other sales contract. If you don’t read the fine print, (which is what this writing is about) it’s “buyer beware” and tough luck. A deal’s a deal. You can project your own interpretation on it all you want. In fact, they want you to. They are counting on that. But.....your projection, regardless of how much you believe it.....doesn’t ever make it fact. You buy the illusion, and they make a sale.

Now which is it that is really more important here? Is it the need for you to get something of worth, or is it more important for you to be lied to because it feels familiar to you? Do you have an intense need - to be sold - to? If so, then who was the person in your past that you loved and yet they lied to you by what they said and how they treated you? Little girls believe very easily - when they are looking up to a very important man in their lives. They are larger than life and you are not able to look at them realistically - using a child’s mind. If they betrayed you, abandoned you, rejected you, or assaulted you in any way - you are apt to make excuses for them because you need them in your life in some way. A grown-up version of this - will allow themselves to become prey to a charmer/abuser and you constantly second-guess your own thoughts and feelings and will make endless excuses for this man. You will just automatically think and feel with your little girl mind in this scenario of having a man in your life. Whereas in other areas of your life - you may be very mature, grown-up and responsible. You will not always do this - if you will allow yourself to learn - why you do what you do and how to gradually prevent it. It took time to lay down the foundation of what is unhealthy in your life. It will take time to rip it up and replace it with what is good and constructive. Again, time is your friend.

7. C.A.’s need for you to quickly put them into your inner circle - whereby you consider them to be of like-minds with you, a kindred spirit, soulmate sort of thing. When that happens - you basically dismiss a lot of red flags because you have completely validated them as - being like you in some majorly important ways. This are usually sensitive issues. Where you “really live” kind of issues. Therefore, you cannot possibly suspect them of a lot of things. It would be like putting yourself on trial! Think about this one - very hard. It is one of the worst “snags” that will hook you and take a great deal from you when the hook is ultimately withdrawn. They find that platform where you have your deepest hurts and strongest opinions and they become your ally, your cheerleader, your confidant, your defender, etc., etc. And “poof” you’re sucked in hook, line and sinker. Oftentimes, the very people who have wounded you the worst, are the very same kind of people that can empathize with you - the best. And why wouldn’t they? A predator - knows his victims - very well. They study them. They have to, in order to trap them. That’s why I write things like this. We need to “study them” as well. It’s called - playing “offense” instead of “defense”. Learning to be savvy - will work on our part. Rest very assured - they will do “their homework” regarding “you”. Be willing to be as quick to forgive yourself when it comes to making a mistake of character as you are quick to forgive them over and over and over again.

8. C.A.’s do NOT respect you as a woman or as a person - at all....BUT....they will go great lengths to convince you - that they do. They will quickly put you up on a high pedestal, where they supposedly worship at your feet. No one in the world is more beautiful or more important in their lives. You are the bomb! Just remember here that I use the word “quickly” a lot. Someone genuinely thinking you’re wonderful and all that - isn’t necessarily bad. But, it is highly suspicious when it happens - very, very quickly. Sure, in some rare case, you could just click - if you meet the right person. But, I warn you about making this your basis for all your relationships. You are a sitting duck. Genuine feelings that really matter in the long run - take time. C.A.’s don’t have time. They have to do everything quickly. They want what they want and they want it NOW. So, hurry up and “get charmed”, so this ball game can get underway! That’s the way they look at it. They are counting on - your need to get instantly stroked all the way around - as their “in”. This is your blind side and they go right for it. “Make her feel like a princess early on and she will eat out of your hand”.

9. They will educate you on how women in their past have not met the mark with them. How they have failed them in some respect. It’s called - giving you a challenge you cannot resist as a woman. Especially, if you are a woman who sees her worth being linked to - how much she is needed by a man. They are basically saying to you - “here, see what you can do. Prove to me, that you are worthy and prove to me that you can be better than all these other women. Do the impossible! I’m waiting...” And that’s just what an abuse victim loves to hear.....and C.A.’s deeply know this. Abused women - are very used to being superhuman and performing the impossible and having to work for every sliver of love and attention they get. So, this challenge is more like alcohol being sat in front of an alcoholic.

10. C.A.’s hit you hard and heavy. They call you a lot, they want to be with you a lot. They will not respect your need for personal space, but will disguise with - just have to be with you because I can’t get you out of my mind. They will usually talk to a lot about how wonderful they are, especially in the areas of “what you need them to be”. It will be tailor made, just for you. They will dazzle you with their dance and try to effectively shut down all your protective barriers. They will also want to pull you away from your friends, family and children. They need to be tuned into - just them, if they are going to effectively charm you in a small amount of time. Like any teacher in any classroom - they have to have your undivided attention in order to “teach you” what they want you to learn. So, they don’t want you comparing notes with anyone else or getting someone else’s read on them. Someone who isn’t blind to them - will see them for what they are and tell you. They want to get you in that “cloudy zone” as soon as possible where you are wrapped up with them physically and are providing them with what they need so you feel very validated and valued. They know that once you get effectively hooked in this regard - you will vehemently fight off anyone, including your own flesh and blood - in order to keep this realm of “importance” that you’ve got going on here. They count on you - to do just that. They load the gun for you and “you” pick it up and use it. That way - their hands are clean. You did their dirty work - for them. You end up driving away the very people that could help you the most. Precisely, my dear Watson.

I said all that to say this.......Time is your friend, use it wisely. If there is one thing that is going to serve you well in the arena of protection - it is to hesitate, step back, go more slowly than you usually do. Read this writing often and “think” about what is going on - while it is going on.

If you see at anytime - this is happening - you do not owe anyone a thick book on how or why you came to your conclusion to back off and cut it off. C.A.’s are absolutely great at convincing you - that you owe them this. As if, they are some powerfully important figure in your life. If they are doing this to you, they are obviously NOT important to you and should not be have that title - as you are leaving the relationship.

I don’t know how many times I see this and it is the killer snag that eventually pulls them back into the web. And I’ve seen women who are almost all the way out and have put many steps into walking away. But, the quick snap of this rubberband - is profound. We say we are walking away, but they interpret this to mean - we want to be talked back into it. Why? Because we still talk to them. We get caught up in telling them why and why not and how and when, etc., etc. They put US on trial - for what they did! We feel like we owe them all this. Whether we like it or not, we are giving great power to someone who does not consider our best interests at all. A person who respects you might ask for clarification to a degree, just so they understand you and then - that’s it. They have enough self-respect for themselves and for you to listen to what you said and think you meant it.

By your continuing need to engage with them - tells them - you don’t mean a word you say when it comes to boundaries. It means nothing to them now. You may have barked at them, but that’s about it. You’re back in the ring trying to validate your assessment of things with the very person that did it to you in the first place. So, you are putty in their hands - simply because you walked back out onto the dance floor. Whatever respect you imagined them to have for you - is now completely and absolutely gone. You are definitely “prey” to them now. And they toy with you at will, because you have given them that power over you. They are putting a lot of trust in the fact that - you do not trust your own judgement. If you need to constantly talk to them about why you thought this or that or got hurt about whatever - they instantly know that you don’t trust yourself. A confident woman would just call it and that would be the end of it. Some discussion would be allowed, but she would trust her own mind and her own feelings and would not feel compelled to get it validated from the direction those hurts came from in the first place.

It sounds crazy when you really look at it like this. That you would want validation from the very person that hurt you, that affirms you made a sound judgement. Hm,m,m....so, like are we going to get that validation from this person? I would venture to say the odds of that happening are greatly stacked against you. But, this goes back to why you look like such easy prey to them. Oftentimes, if you happen to be a victim of incest, particularly - then so many times the man in your life is going to represent your father to you. So, if he has assumed the position and you have put a lot of trust in him early on - you are going to treat him like a father would be treated. You will give him this respect and position of power and authority over you - because that is what your little girl that you used to be - would do regarding the man in her life back then. And since you put this man in that super powerful position - the hardest person in the world to convince that a mistake has been made - is you, the victim. After all, they have “first chair” with us. We have to work it out, make it fit, or change it somehow. What I want to know is - how can someone who has known you for such a short time - have enough clout and importance in your life - to be allowed the right to speak louder and with more authority over the person who knows you best? And that person - is you, btw.

C.A.’s will storm your gates in the beginning and in the end. They will initially storm your gates with quick flattery, comradery, and empathy. In the end they will storm your gates with insults, total disrespect and will look like someone you do not know at all. They will hit your gates hard and heavy with whatever works - when you decide to walk away. If trying to get you to give them a computer printout on how you arrived at your conclusion and talking it to death doesn’t work - then they will storm your gates and bust every boundary as quickly as you can erect it. However, if they are not getting what they want - they will hit you hard, but not forever. There are more fish in the sea. So, do not move your boundaries - one inch. Say what you mean and mean what you say - consistently and absolutely and you don’t owe anyone - an explanation - as to why!

C.A.’s are spoiled brats. They respect nothing and no one. They count on you not being able to forgive yourself - for making a completely wrong assessment of - who they were or who you thought they were. That is one of their best and most dangerous weapons against you. If you are so proud that you cannot be humble enough to say - I made a mistake and walk away from it - they will have you for dinner - a second time around, and a third and a fourth time....until.....”they don’t need you”.... anymore.

It’s high time - you learn how to live - offensively and be in control of your own life. It’s called - Learning to live - Pro-active for your own well-being. A predator is completely turned off by anyone that lets time be their friend. So, if you want to know who a person is that you may be suspect of - just hold them at arm’s length for awhile. Make them wait - for everything. The person who is genuinely interested in you - won’t push. And they won’t try and dazzle you in any way. They will........wait. If they don’t do this and you jump.......you are in for - a ride. Just know it up front and put on your seat belt.

Just always look at what you are doing and if you find it really hard to stop engaging long enough to be rational - just remember that if this person has become a larger than life dominant factor in your life.........they are not this godlike image of what your father was or should have been. They are - what they are and you have a good enough mind to call it. Please give yourself permission to see it - just like it is - with your adult mind, not your little girl mind. Super heroes - are fairy tales. Real villains - can do much damage while wearing - superman’s cape. In fact - they can get away with anything and everything. Do not give them that power. Take your power back. What is real and true and good for you - will come by way of......you believing you have the right - to choose and not be chosen. Prey is “chosen” by the predator.

You will become more mature in these areas, by educating - your little girl and helping her to grow up. She got stuck back there somewhere and who could blame her? I wouldn’t. But, you can take her by the hand and teach her, so that the voice you listen to - isn’t a little girl’s cries and screams for that one special man to love her. It will be the voice that says - I am wiser and older. I know what I want and what I don’t want. I know where I’m vulnerable and where I am strong. My radar is up and running and I am doing the choosing, not the other way around. I am in control of my life.

I wish you peace and I hope you want that as well. The glass is half full and on the table in front of you. It’s time for...........”you”. And if people don’t support you in this along the way - ditch them. They were never in your court to begin with and it’s better they sent you a red flag - so that you know who they are now. Right? Just smile and say - thank you very much, I needed that piece of information about “who you are”.

November 30, 2001
12:40 pm
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Molly
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you need to be loved by you, and yes, hopefully your down to 20 days, of course, if we go back to when he hit you and start counting from that date, then it could be even less.
Life is a series of choices, we have no comprehension of the consequences, we reach out and learn as much as we can, when we get uncomfortable with one choice's consequence, and its up to us to utilize what we learn . I didn't have this much information 2 months ago, 12 months ago, or even 3 years ago, I made some choices over the last 13 years, that I so desperately regret. Life is to short to continue to live with regret. Love this is not, addiction it is. We need a place where we can all get together to hold onto each other, to help us through the night, and sometimes days. This is the best, there is right now. Please read, re read what Ladeska wrote, you have been brain washed just like the Taliban, don't you get it? Can't you see it, to be alone, is not as bad as living in fear. You will never ever have the same relationship, he will punish you for what you did, he still has girl friend, did you for get about that, are you going to get down on your knees, and beg him to forgive you for your actions, are you going to say that you deserved to be hit, and he can hit you again, when ever your a bad girl in the future, are you going to sell your soul to him for his release of sperm, and the opportunity to clean his mess, to cook for him, to pay his bills, to loose your artistic talent, because your so emotionally constipated? do you think you'll be able to drink enough to mask the pain ? Go to the doctor and live on valium and ativan, and perhaps codine for the rest of your life, would you please take that picture of your face and study it, will you blow it up and put it by the phone ? put it at your door, put it on your steering wheel, put it on the pillow next to your bed? Common, common Take another little piece of my heart now baby, you know you got it, if it makes you feel good.

November 30, 2001
12:55 pm
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artist 2
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I liked this you said:

"They were never in your court to begin with and it’s better they sent you a red flag - so that you know who they are now. Right? Just smile and say - thank you very much, I needed that piece of information about “who you are”.

Very good help here... thanks once again. I hope you never tire of hearing those words.

November 30, 2001
1:09 pm
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Ladeska
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I just want you to grow up here straight and tall without all this sick stuff attached to you. Dead matter, poisonous vines trying to suffocate you. I think the hardest thing to forgive sometimes - is us. We have a hard time with our pride in saying - I made a wrong decision, wrong assessment of who this person was. It's like we don't want to be wrong about that, especially after we've invested so much into it. Well....it's a far cry better to just own that, learn from it and move on than it is to swim around in a cess pool of stupidity, right?

Can we be that prideful? You betcha we can. I have seen people stay in relationships for years and years for that one solitary reason. But life is about growing and an awful lot of mistakes and bad judgement goes into that mix. The one that is really hard to forgive though is the one where you see what you've done, know that it was a mis-step and yet you repeat it.

Just swallow your pride, spit out the vomit and move one.

November 30, 2001
1:12 pm
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Molly
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Barf, barf, barf...................

December 2, 2001
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Hello all,

Once again I am very grateful for everyone who chose to respond. Lad: Yes, I do need to grow up and with every mistake, it happens. Molly: You really spell things out in a way I can grasp-visually and emotionally. I know you've been there.

You women are truly wonderful for sharing your wisdom and insight.

December 2, 2001
12:44 pm
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Molly
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Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo how many days left????????????????

December 3, 2001
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14 days left and counting. I'm not wanting to forgive him as much. And, thoughts of doing bad things like slashing his tires are increasing. That must be a good sign.

December 3, 2001
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Ladeska
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Yeppers, very good sign! It's funny how....distance makes things clearer. I now look at some people who were close to me at one time and I see them in such a different light and they haven't changed...I have. Makes me shudder sometimes. It's a day by day, sometimes minute by minute process. Sooner or later though, you have to get to the bottom of - why this was ever okay with you in the first place....(smile)

December 3, 2001
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Molly
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Wait till day 10 when you want to coat his balls in bacon fat, leave him hanging on a cross in the middle of death valley for the vultchers to pick at him, slash tires, ahhhhhh common you can do better than this. You haven't even visualized the Blondie Salad yet have you? The IRS, seizing his checking account, the bank reposessing his car, spaztic eye ticks, STD's shriviling up his Johnson, his girlfriend going off the deep end, and destroying all in his apt ? Just know that long term suffering is better than a quick death, and above all your success is the absolute very best. Know of a rent a date, that is absolutely drop dead successful, and beautiful to boot, that could escort you where you can be seen in that great exposing dress you have for special occasions??????? Where you can be so preoccipied, you can ignore him?????

December 3, 2001
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... just having to do without me should be enough torture. But, I like the bacon fat idea... :o)

I do know of the perfect spot where he will be around and i can show up with a drop-dead handsome 28 year old date who will most likely dote on me hand and foot in front of everyone. This might include rubbing my poor tired feet for standing up too long in those spiked heeled shoes.

I know the place, but does anyone know where I can find the 28 year old?

December 4, 2001
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I made a mistake in counting - it's only been 8 days so far. I'm really starting to miss him again. I picture him in my mind and can easily forget my black eye and bruises. I know - everyone will tell me to forget about him to move on and not give him any of my energy.

I know what to do, just needed to express this. It feels a little insane to have these feelings of love for him. Just left-overs I guess... like turkey and dressing.

Guess there's no replacement for intimacy and closeness, which is what he gave to me. Guess I'm just jones'in here. Right now I feel it's worth a punch in the face to feel that kind of intimacy. Just need to keep my hands off the phone...

Oh yeah, I'm going to try and retrieve a couple of my things that are still in his apartment tomorrow. I'm hiring a policeman to escort me for safety. Anyways...

December 4, 2001
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Molly
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that should help the Jonzing, just looking at him, and you play the part, ya hear. The hard part is seperating the fantasy from the reality. That is where we get confused, fantasy in the head, reality in the mirror. See, its just what I suggested, that the smack isn't as bad as the emotional scares. The brain washing, the loss of self, the self esteem, that desperate feeling of emptiness. Got a college in town, go hang out at the law library, offer one of the cuties a free steak dinner, you know starving student syndrome, surely he will rub your feet for a free meal, and time with a great babe.

December 4, 2001
6:59 pm
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OK - so tomorrow I might have to see him. God, help me to be strong. I just know I could crumble, that he could manipulate me into being with him again. He could ge whatever he wanted from me then. Today a package arrived int he mail with some stuff I gave him. Tomorrow I take stuff he gave me back to him. I want to damage the stuff first then send it. Do I sound crazy or what? In one breath I love him stil, in the very next, I hate hima nd want to destroy anything that touches him.

December 5, 2001
1:45 pm
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Molly
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Its the jonzing, no I don't think he still has the power over you any more. Look at him, look in the mirror, in fact lets use one of those pictures for one of the cards I found. Be strong, and don't let him talk to you, keep cutie cop at hands legnth.

December 8, 2001
1:44 pm
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artist 2
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Well, I went to an AA meeting this morning. There are so many women who have had more horrible lives and struggling still to deal with it. This makes me think about my situation and altough he did hit me - once - I am ready to forgive him and move on. Can anyone advise on how to let him know I forgive him? I really want to begin my life again without him, or the guilt, or the fact that the relationship ever happened. If I can see him and say to him "I forgive you." I will be much more clear and can move on.

December 8, 2001
5:55 pm
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suzyblue
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artist 2, perhaps asking him for forgiveness isn't the way to move on. Perhaps, just forgiving him in your heart and moving on would be better. Moving on doesn't come from him accepting your forgiveness (which he may not), but from within you.

December 10, 2001
1:46 am
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artist 2
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God, I still miss him. It's been 14 days... I went to a place where we used to go and felt his presence. I could see him clearly - but he was alone. I felt alone, though I was with a date. I realized then how I had not gotten over him, and still love him very much. It was completely overwhelming. I really meant I could feel him there. He's still in my blood and in my soul. I know time will fix this, but I feel dead inside, completely dead.

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