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wish it was me
December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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Feeling a little ashamed about this, but I figured I'd go back
and read it and bump it up to express my gratitude and my
remorse.

I forgot the title
as I was already pretty sedated when I wrote the post. When I
asked, Sdesigns reminded me of it (thank you).

And thank you to
Chelonia who is always so supportive and kind... I have always said
I wish we could hang out in real life.

So I am out of the
hospital, went to therapy tonight. I love my therapist, she is so
great, good to me, and I regret to have put her through this
ordeal. She took me back, and I am grateful for that.

It's hard being
out of the hospital because now the real work begins. Not that I
want to be in there.

I'm kind of
feeling pretty much the same way I did in the days before I went in
except that I have no impulse to hurt myself. Still feeling sad and
upset about the ex, and upset that I am upset you know?

For a while I had
a mind that was not plagued with obsessions about the ex. It's
really hard to have this happen again and not be able to shake it.
I feel so messed up. In the past it was unrealistic to want such an
unavailable man. Now it is even crazier, yet it feels like I am
indeed pining for a ghost.

When I was in the
hospital I had a lot of nightmares with my ex in them. In one we
are sitting outside in the setting sun and we are talking but I
don't know what we are talking about but I make him smile, then I
look down at my bare feet and my toenails are blackening, my feet
turning greenish grey/purple and it is spreading. I am turning into
a corpse and my ex doesn't even notice. The other dream was even
scarier but hard to describe, I am in this place that is not a
place and I hear my ex's voice going "Ella, let me in. It's cold
out here." "I'm so cold, please let me in."

It just won't go
away. It makes me think of that movie "The Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind." I understand how the guy in the movie felt...
wanting to erase all traces of someone from your memory.

Thank you to all
who wrote here, and once again, I am so sorry about this
post.

I feel hurt and
scared inside, so I might have to lean on you all a lot in the
future.

thanks and hugs,
ella

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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zarathustra
miami, florida
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October 13, 2010
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dot
ever apologize ella, we are all just soo happy tohave you back, we
also wish we could make it easier for you, because we cant, I AM
SORRY. i am giving you a big imaginary hug. your online friend, for
as long as you want me, z

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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andii
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Forum Posts: 124
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
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same
here, ella.

"wanting to erase
all traces of someone from your memory."

ah, if only this
was possible. You've got me thinking...

thank
you

December 4, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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September 24, 2010
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Ella,

Don't be hard on
yourself about this. I'm so happy that you are alive. You are a
very good hearted person who deserves so much more in life than
what you have been given so far.

Its best to just
focus on your healing.

Those dreams can
be so real and unnerving. I understand how you say you feel like
you are chasing a ghost. Sometimes my dad still is there, even
though he died more than 15 years ago.

When I have faced
similar feelings I have done some kind of ceremony to help my
mentally say good bye and allow them to transition to the next
existance. Your memories and the normal grieving process should be
expected, but it sounds like you have somem unfinished business
with him.

Some things that
have helped me have been to write a letter or my favorite is to
burn a candle and allow the flame to hold their spirit for the time
that it take it to burn out. While the candle is burning I take
care of whatever I needed to resolve so I can release
them.

Sending you lots
of love and comfort during this difficult time.

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