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Will this sh%$ ever end??????
October 22, 2005
6:11 pm
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lollipop3
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Hello everbody....and anybody that is interested.

Some of you know my story and some of you may not but the drama continues......

I have been in the process of breaking off my relationship with b/f. We don't have a relationship to speak of at this point but we seem to be trying to remain friends and be mature about the whole thing. Today I went to see a lawyer with him to deal with some legal matters and after we left there we were going to my Dad's house because his roof is leaking and b/f was going to look at it for him.

Well....on the way to my Dad's house....he called his parents to tell them that he was coming to see them tomorrow to talk about his legal issues with them and that's when he was informed that his mother is dying.

They have known for more than 4 months, she has had 3 surgeries, and has been in the hospital for almost 3 weeks.....and they just told him today.....on the phone!

He calls them every week and his father has been lying to him about it. Either they haven't returned his calls , or for example at one point...when he said he was coming to visit they told him they were going on vacation for a week!!!! When he asked why they have kept this from him, his father replied that "they were afraid he would fly off the handle and they didn't want to upset him". He is devestated.

I feel so bad and so helpless right now. He is so sad and hurt and confused and angry.....all of which is perfectly understandable. I know there is nothing I can do, but I wish I could do something.

I also know all too well how he feels. My mother died 19 years ago this month. I was 15 years old and she was very sick. My father, in an effort to protect me I suppose, lied to me and told me that she was going to be okay. He told me that they removed all of the cancer and she was going to be fine. I still harbor the guilt of knowing that while my mother was sick....I thought she was "milking it" and "looking for attention" because my father had convinced me she was going to be okay. I didn't find out the truth until the day my mother called me downstairs to say her goodbyes. She died 3 days later.

I guess I understand why he lied to me.....I'm sure he thought he was protecting me, but he robbed me of an opportunity that I can never get back. I still resent him for that. As I said, I also harbor a lot of guilt because I didn't believe she was as sick as she was. My mother was an alcoholic, so her doing things for attention was not uncommon for me...so I just thought this was just another instance of that. I have never been more wrong.

I have never been able to discuss this with my father. He is almost 80 years old, very set in his ways and isn't about to change now. He comes from the school of ....ignore it and it will go away.

NOT TRUE!!!!!!

Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long. I am just venting I guess. I just feel so bad and understand completely how b/f feels when he says.....my father just took 4 months away from me.

What are these people thinking???? It breaks my heart.

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Lolli

October 22, 2005
7:20 pm
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Anonymous
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Lolli,

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I see you slipping farther and farther back into an entanglement with this guy.

Last weekend he bonked his head - and you came to the rescue. This week he had a legal issue, and you stood by his side. Now his mom is dying and because you know how it feels, you feel bad for him, and I am sure, again, standing by his side.

This isn't pulling away - it's getting sucked back in.

I am worried.

What makes it worse, is that this guy probably feels like he is slowly winning you back again. Yes, you are in therapy, working things out, like last time - but he isn't working a damn thing out.

He has to learn to stand on his own two feet and find OTHER people/friends to support him...it's not your job anymore...or at least, that's what you had decided not too long ago. Think of how many times he was there for you when the shit hit the fan...and how many times the shit hit the fan BECAUSE of him...think about the furniture thing, your birthday...I am sure there is more.

So right now things are looking horrible for him - things keep going wrong...and you are being his friend.

Perhaps you can keep an emotional distance - and since I only came into this board when you were "working things out" and not prior, I don't know what the symptoms of you getting sucked in are...but I know what I see now, and I see potential for it happening again...rescuing...I think that's what it's called in the book. He seems to be having such a string of bad luck...and it is all too easy to say "this stuff isn't his fault, and I feel bad and I want to be a friend..." and before you know it, you are sleeping with him again...I hope not the case...

Anyway, I might be off base - and if I am, take what you need and leave the rest...I hope I am off base, cuz I don't want to see you in pain again...but if I am not, I hope my pointing it out helps a bit.

October 22, 2005
8:05 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Ali,

No, it doesn't sound harsh. And you are right....for the most part....hence the title of my thread.

Yes, it does seem as though one bad thing after another keeps happening, and yes, these things keep sucking me in as the rescuer. And I am allowing that to happen. But...that is who I am and that is one of the qualitites about me that I don't plan on changing.

No, we are not sleeping together. I haven't slept with him in about a month. As a matter of fact, today is the first time that I have even seen him since Tuesday.

I don't want to be sucked back in to a "relationship" with him. You are right that he has done NOTHING to change his behavior and I can see that with great clarity.

I don't know what this situation will bring but I do know one thing.....he doesn't have anybody else. Literally....does not have anyone else. Yes, I can sit here and say that is of his own making and it is his problem, but that is just not who I am. Despite his problems, despite how he has treated me, and despite the fact that he has not gotten help....he is a human being who's mother is dying.

Just like when he got hurt last week....did I have to let him stay here....no.....was it the right thing to do....in my opinion, yes.

Although we have had a lot of problems, we still have a history together. There was a time when he was my friend. There was a time that he would have done anything for me. Just because he has changed, doesn't mean that I have to.

As a recovering codendent, there are many things about myself that I needed to change and that I still need to change but one of the things that I will never change about myself is the fact that I care about other people. Despite all that I have been through in my life, I still have the ability to have empathy for others. Those are some of the best qualities about me. The idea is not to change that and become like "them"...the idea is to break free of this cycle of abuse and surround myself with people that are like me. It is not about saying "well you did this to me"...it is about learning to set healthy boundaries and be the person that I am.

I hope that you can understand where I am coming from.

Love,
Lolli

October 22, 2005
8:26 pm
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Shaney
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Hey lolli - holy crap... when it rains it pours, doesn't it. What to do, what to do...

My dad has done the same exact thing to me in the past. He was married to his second wife (she was satan, I'm sure of it), and he became very ill, to the point of having to have surgery. The whole thing was hidden from me, until after his surgery. He didn't want to worry me - same excuse as many times before. I flew to see him after his surgery and was crazed by the time I got to the hospital - I was so pissed at him and his wife for not letting me know prior to the surgery. Well, he heard it from me once I got to the hospital. I mean, what if he had died during surgery!? Needless to say, he has never done that again. Since then, he's had prostate cancer (with surgery) and a double bypass to boot. NO MORE PROTECTING ME! It's unfair, as a family member, to not be included in all aspects of family life... that means good and bad. My advice is to make the best of what time he has left now... it won't do any good to go crazy because of the four months that he lost with his mother. His dad must be beside himself, and in his heart he must have felt that he was doing the right thing by protecting your EX bf (notice the "EX"). His mother may have requested that as well, you never know. Everyone's time with her should be filled with good memories, for her sake, not with everyone at eachothers' throats. I'm sure your EX could voice his concern in a civil, constructive way... making his point without making a fuss. This advice is from experience - and I had positive results. Hope this helps.

Ali - I agree. Lolli - proceed with care and caution. By no means am I telling you to abandon him during this time. But at the same time, do not put your own issues on the back burner, while his issues cut right to the front of the line. You matter as well - don't discount this. I'm a pro at taking a back seat to other "more important" circumstances that tend to pop up all around me. I always (used to) volunteered to give up my own needs for the good of the everyone else's needs. Before I knew it, I had 100 issues piled up in the corner, and everyone else was just fine. You can be a friend, while still putting yourself and your needs first. It can be done - so make some well thought out decisions regarding everything that's going on. Continue to strive for healthier times, my friend!

October 22, 2005
8:59 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Shaney,

Even your most serious posts make me smile....."she was satan...I'm sure of it." LOL....You are my kinda gal...Shaney. I bet we'd get along famously in the "real" world.

I know that both you and Ali are right. Having said that, I can't help how I feel. I am trying to keep the proper perspective and will try to keep a healthy emotional distance with this whole thing.

At the moment, I feel nothing other than compassion for someone I care about. I have no "delusions" about my rescuing him and him becoming the fantasy man that I always hoped for.

However, there are still situtions that I just don't know what to do with. For example, today when we were at my Dad's house, my father started to dicuss Thanksgiving. B/F immediately asked "where are we having it this year.....you know how much I love holidays with you guys". Now, I didn't say anything because my father knows nothing about what has been going on with us, but I did shoot him a "if looks could kill" kind of a look. When we left my Dad's, he said to me...."I saw that look and I know you're pissed but I'm coming for Thanksgiving....unless you're bringing someone else, in that case I guess I won't be coming". And you know what I said......nothing.....that's what.

So yes, I am ALLOWING certain things to happen here. He just never seems to give up and I don't seem to have the strength to fight him on this CONTINUOUSLY. I don't know if I'm going to allow it to happen or not, but it really is just so tiring.

He literally just completely discounts the fact that I have said we will not be in a relationship without him getting help....over and over again. He just says the same things ....I don't need to talk to some stranger....I can do it on my own...yada, yada, yada. I haven't given in but I'm also tired of repeating myself. He is using the "just wear her down tatic". Happily, it hasn't worked.

You know.....it's funny....I can actually see for myself how many times I have flip/flopped in this one post alone. LOL

Perhaps I just need to stop thinking tonight.

Thank you both for your responses.

Love,
Lolli

October 22, 2005
9:08 pm
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lollipop3
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Oh....Shaney.....

As far as having a free for all with his father....we have talked about that. He has decided that although he is upset with his father, he understands (sort of) and does not want to have a confrontation tomorrow.

He IS concerned about it though. Apparently, his mother is in pretty bad shape and he does fear his own reaction when he sees her. He has said that he doesn't want to react angrily but he is afraid he may not be able to control it when he sees her physical condition.

We talked about it extensively and at the end of it all, he came to the conclusion that this is not about him. It is all about being there for and supporting his mother. He also expressed great sadness for his father.

I think he will do the right thing.

October 22, 2005
9:17 pm
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Shaney
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This is a tough time - no doubt. My xbf spent several holidays with my family up until a year or more, AFTER we broke up. We even went to Hawaii for ten days with another couple, because we planned the vacation a year in advance - I didn't do the "dirty deed" the whole time if you can believe THAT - don't think the perv didn't try. To this day (6 years later) we've managed to become dear friends. Five year relationships, in my personal, experience don't just stop dead it their tracks, with no residual...you know? Actually, YES, you do know. We all know when we've had enough - do what feels right... and leaving him in your dust to wallow in his sorrow, doesn't seem right to me either. Good luck and God bless with whatever you do.

But for thanksgiving, if the EXbf does end up going to your parents house, make him at least bring a 28 lb. turkey and a minimum of 4 side dishes... he's not getting off THAT easy. If he's not going to therapy, take it out on him whatever way you can... Ha! :o) (little hug)

October 22, 2005
9:26 pm
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Shaney
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Good to hear the xbf isn't going to go wild when he sees his parents. Seeing someone that ill is a very humbling experience - I'm sure he'll do the right thing. A simple "I wish I could have gone through this with you from the beginning. Please don't hide things from me - I want to be with you"... with a smile on his face - takes a lot less energy and produces better, more positive results... than being angry. Good luck to the both of you.

I'm taking a shower right now, I'm a dirty little filthy pig.. I'll be back in a while.

Yes, I'm CERTAIN we'd make quite a team in the real world.. we've give 'em all hell for sure, and laugh the whole time. :o)

October 22, 2005
9:28 pm
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lollipop3
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LOL Shaney.....

I do know what you mean. I had a previous relationship (7 1/2 years) where we did the same thing. I broke up with him and HE bought all the stuff for my new apartment. We still spent holidays together the following year and he still signed the gifts for his family from both of us. He did this even while we were both seeing other people! ( and no, we never had sex after we broke up)

That actually had to stop the year after that when his father was trying to give his new girlfriend a gift and wondered why when he called her by my name she didn't answer!

Can't understand why that girl hated me so much.

Love,
Lolli

p.s. thanks for the little hug.....right back at ya.

October 22, 2005
10:59 pm
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Shaney
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7-1/2 YEARS? You definitely have staying power, girl. Was he THAT wonderful, or did you just have a hard time turning him loose? Sheesh. Besides the bf (fiance) that I'm with now (5yrs.3mos.), the longest relationship that I had was five years (the Hawaii guy). I should have been done at 2 years with that guy, but I held out for 5 waiting for the miraculous change that we all seem to hope for. Lame. I hate nothing more than wasting time, but I seem to do it with lame guys. Hopefully, I've learned my lesson - my current relationship isn't perfect but it's as close as I've come....he's a good guy. That's why I have hope for you too - I think that same opportunity is out there for you.

I'm REALLY going to go and take a shower now. We were going to go and see Foreigner tonight but my bf is tired. I'm so bored, I could just spit... I'll be back.

October 23, 2005
9:17 am
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Hi Shaney,

7 1/2 years, and yes, he really was that wonderful. I can honestly say that was the most healthy relationship I have ever had. It was not perfect, but it was the only time that I ever felt truely safe.

I was a very different person back then. I was quite young and he was considerably older than me. The lifestyle that we lived was not "normal" by society's standards but it was all I knew, so to me it was normal.

It would not be a lifestyle that I would choose for myself at this point in my life, but at the time I felt truely loved. I loved him and trusted him with all of my heart. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

When we broke up it was for no other reason than the fact that I grew up and wanted more for my life.

When I left him, I thought that I would be leaving him to find someone that not only had the same qualities as him but someone that I also had more things in common with. Someone who had the same goals in life that I had. Unfortuantely, the "real" world was not what I expected. He was a very powerful man in our little world and I didn't realize how "sheltered" I actually was until I left him. It's been a long, hard ride.

One thing that I am grateful for is that I did have that time with him. It gives me a reference point that a lot of others do not have. If I didn't have a man like him at some point in my life....who knows how much worse off I would be right now. I have had a secure, loving, trusting relationship, so I know how it should be and I won't give up until I find that again.

Love,
Lolli

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