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will it stop?
April 21, 2009
9:07 am
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myselfandi
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i was in bed last night just falling in to a lovely sleep,when my dear partner grabbed my hand and twisted my fingers,i did not know what was going on,but i did know my fingers were broke,he dragged me out of the bed and twisted my arm behind my back,(its not broke just very sore)he slammed me up against the wall a few times before trying to choke me.thats the last i remember realy,dont know how my face is all swollen,have alot of bruises today and very sore.of course he says its me and not himhe makes me feel so low.well... hes not normaly like this,this happens maybe every 6 or 8 weeks.its becoming more often.i cant leave him and well i dont want to.i need to know is this it? im 25,i feel horrible all the time,i dont leave the house at all.i have no friends.i wake up every morning praying for the day to end soon so i can go back asleep.thats another day over with.i hate it.he is out all the time,he has so many friens,i asked to go out a few weeks ago and well i did not get a great reception.all in all he is a great person i only pionted out his bad pionts and not his good ones,and he has loads of good ones.i need to know if he can change,is there help for him or is this it,is this what life is.its crap

April 21, 2009
9:11 am
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CAMER
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when your partner does this, is he actually awake and knowing what he/she is doing to you?? so do you feel physically violated by this person?? and you want to stay with them???

the only way HE can change is if he seeks out help to change, otherwise there is not much you can do, except offer for him to get some sort of help.

April 21, 2009
9:18 am
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myselfandi
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yes hes awake but usually has a few drinks on him.i do want to stay with him,i do love him,we have 3 young children and im pregnant again.hes always worse when im pregnant,i dont know why,he wanted to have kids.

April 21, 2009
9:27 am
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CAMER
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does he drink alot???

April 21, 2009
9:30 am
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myselfandi
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maybe 3 times a week.he wont give it up,he says its not a problem.also i cant go the doctor,so if i just leave it will my fingers mend them selves or is there any thing i could do to fix them.

April 21, 2009
9:58 am
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CAMER
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can i just ask why you are accepting this man to physically harm you?? i know you have kids with him, but this is *abuse* and why would you want your kids see "mommy" get hurt???

April 21, 2009
10:07 am
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SpecialK
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Sweetheart...I'm crying as I read this. Why, why, WHY do you not leave?

April 21, 2009
10:25 am
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myselfandi
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well you see he is realy a good person,i think he just gets angry and takes it out on me.he actually appolagised today,thats a first.he says its me makes him do it.i couldnt leave even if i wanted to.its his house,id have no where to go and iv no job or money.i think if i could only get a grip of my life then maybe things could change.to start with id love to have the confidence to leave the house on my own.i just cant do it.im diving deaper and deaper in to depression.sometimes i leave the house on my own but only at around 3 in the morning,when hes asleep i get out of bed and drive some where away from here and park the car and just cry to my self.but i cant go out during the day,my confidence is just shattered

April 21, 2009
10:25 am
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myselfandi
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well you see he is realy a good person,i think he just gets angry and takes it out on me.he actually appolagised today,thats a first.he says its me makes him do it.i couldnt leave even if i wanted to.its his house,id have no where to go and iv no job or money.i think if i could only get a grip of my life then maybe things could change.to start with id love to have the confidence to leave the house on my own.i just cant do it.im diving deaper and deaper in to depression.sometimes i leave the house on my own but only at around 3 in the morning,when hes asleep i get out of bed and drive some where away from here and park the car and just cry to my self.but i cant go out during the day,my confidence is just shattered

April 21, 2009
10:28 am
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atalose
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You said “all in all he is a great person I only pointed out his bad points and not his good ones”

Those would have to be some pretty terrific good ones to be putting up with his bad points.

It doesn’t sound like you are in a relationship it sounds like you are a hostage.

If you want the answer to your question…..can he change…..that answer is…. only if he wants to change and it doesn’t sound like he does, so you have your answer.

My advice would be that fear is keeping you there and help is only a phone call away……call a domestic violence hotline NOW.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 21, 2009
10:58 am
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StronginHim77
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Call a Domestic Violence hotline. (Toll free, 800 numbers in every State).

He is abusing you and -- unfortunately -- he is not going to change, unless he is willing to get into therapy and professional help for his problems. In fact, it is going to get worse. Abuse always escalates.

You need to get medical attention for those broken fingers and contact the nearest DV (Domestic Violence) hotline for help. They will give you support over the phone and protect you. They can help you get to the nearest DV shelter with your children. These shelters are carefully hidden and kept "secret," so your husband cannot find you and hurt you again.

From there, you can rebuild your life WITHOUT his abuse. I hope you find the courage to keep posting here. This is an anonymous site, so you are safe. Many of the posters have suffered abuse.

Remember: ABUSE IS NOT LOVE.

Also, your children are witnessing this abuse. Which means they will grow up either to become abusers or to be abused. So, the choices you make right now will have a lifelong impact on the happiness and future of your children.

It is also a classic pattern that abusers "isolate" their victims. I was not surprised to hear that you have lost the confidence to go outside of the house during the daytime. Abusers will whittle down the confidence and self-esteem of their victims, until they cut them off from all contact with their families, friends, coworkers, ministers...anyone who could "blow the whistle" on their abuse. They want their monstrous behavior kept secret.

And they definitely don't want their victims talking to someone who will clearly identify their beatings, rage, etc. as abuse.

His actions are CRIMINAL. It is against the law to subject someone to physical battery, such as he is doing to you. And he knows it. That is why he was actually "apologizing" the last time. He knows that he might face jail, if you report the identity of the person who broke your fingers.

Please do get medical treatment for them. You do not deserve to live your life with twisted, crippled fingers or terrible pain because of his sickness.

And please keep posting. No one walks away from their abusers, until they have enough courage and confidence and support to overcome their fear and be able to take back control of their own lives and LEAVE.

- Ma Strong

April 21, 2009
11:23 am
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Zebra
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myselfandi,

Honey you have to leave. You have to find the courage and strengt to go. You see I was abused by my X as well...for years. Emotionally at first and then physical. I found my strengt and courage through my higher power and MY KIDS. It has been 10 months and oh it is hard, but I am starting to feel better and some what safe. You can do this, you deserve better and so do your children. Call the domestic violence hotline...I did. Come on you can do it. You are worth it.

He won't stop.

Love, Z

April 21, 2009
11:25 am
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myselfandi
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thank you, your post is very encouraging.i dont live in america i wish i did,but i will look up the local numbers here for the hotline. i will try to talk to him to night and see if he will get help.if he doesnt i will have to do somthing,this is not a life at all,and i do want my children to be happy and not in fear.thank you all for your posts.i will keep you updated xxx this is a great site,i did not know there was such a site,i feel much better than i did this morning xxx

April 21, 2009
12:15 pm
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atalose
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I would suggest that you first call the 800 hotline and talk with someone there before you have any conversation with him about getting help, help yourself first!!!!!!

No doubt he will become defensive and that could put you in harms way again.

Work with the hotline people to come up with a plan for you to safely get away before he knows what is happening. Many make the mistake of giving the abuser an ultimatum to seek help other wise they will leave, putting themselves in far worse danger.

You said he already told you he doesn’t feel he has a drinking problem, what are you expecting will happen by you talking to him about seeking help again?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 21, 2009
12:39 pm
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PreciousG
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Oh my word Myselfandi! Please you have to leave and o it will not stop. And no he is not that great of person to abuse yyou the Mother of his children and then turn around tell you that he abuse you becasue you make him do it.

Please what kind of great person does that to another human being? None that come to my mind.

Please take MAstrongs advice and call a domestic hotline in your area or the 800 number that she posted here. They will know exactly what to do help you and your children. You have to think of the children and get them to a safe place.

I am so sorry that you are being abused. IT IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT! YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS!

He is very sick and needs intensive help with his anger and drinking. You all need to seek help. But most importantly you need to seek help for yourself, your children, and the unborn child that you are carrying.

Do you have family in your area? Any at all that would be willing to help out?

Again I am so sorry. I do not know how you hand the capability to type with your broken fingers and sore arm. I think it is because you know that you need help and want out.

I wish you and children all the best.

PreciousG

April 21, 2009
1:52 pm
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myselfandi
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thanks precious,its my thumb and the last 2 fingers,they have turned black,my other 2 are good! he said there not broken but just fractured,he said he was sorry and he would get help,but i dont think he will.so yes i will definetly do somthing.i lost a baby a few months ago at 6 mnths pregnant,i dont want to lose this one.no i dont live near any of my family,there miles and miles away.i havnt seen them in a long time

April 22, 2009
12:23 am
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bblue
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If he is breaking or even twisting you around - get out! Don't endanger your self or your children.

I don't know what country you are in but go to your consulate if outside US and Canada

BBlue

April 22, 2009
9:24 am
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myselfandi
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i know youl think im stupid but i cant leave him,i thought about it all night,i felt physically sick at the thought of leaving.i cant even go as far as the front gate on my own,i couldnt do it,and i cant be on my own,i do need him,if i can just get him to get help we would be ok.i know tonight should be the last night for now.he is having a bad day and is going out tonight.i know what will happen.hel come in drunk and be all happy and laughing,then just before he steps into bed he will go for me.its very frightening.he is so big,he plays alot of rugby and works out alot so he is hugh,im not even 8 stone so im quite small to him.hel stand over me shouting in my face,he takes of his shirt so i can see all his veins are poping out of his muscles to scare me.he push me against the wall with his arm up to my neck so i cant move,with his other arm hel start hitting me,he never hits me in the face,then hel kick me to the ground,and keep kicking me and standing on me.i cant cry because he wont stop if i do.i just curl up in a ball till he stops,then he grabs me and throws me out of the room.he gets in to bed and a few minets later hel call me to get in.so il get in and a while later when hes asleep then i go to the bathroom and clean my self up.its a typical night.but after this it should not be for another 2 months or so.which will give me time to get him help and hopefully he will be ok by then.iv never been more terrified of him,i cant even look him in the face.i just pray he will be ok and everything will work out

April 22, 2009
9:47 am
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CAMER
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myself, do you think if you left him you'd feel lonely, not able to make it in life?? cuz i feel for you, this guy abuses you big time, and you let him, so i don't think things will get better unless "he" chooses to make things better.

I really wish you could have the courage and strength to at least make the phone call to the abuse hotline, and maybe they can tell you what your best option is.

Don't give up on you!!!

April 22, 2009
9:56 am
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myselfandi
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i know i cant do it on my own.i can even answer the door if somone calls,i have a fear of men it sounds stupid but i do.i cant even touch anything i have to were gloves all day,thats just in the last year i develpoed that.im a nervous reck and i realy cant do it on my own.

April 22, 2009
10:12 am
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CAMER
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why not call the domestic hotline...and see what they can offer you...they are there for YOU, to help you, to help you escape from this prison that you are in.

Its not fair to your children to see you going thru this or yourself for putting up with this....why not make that call???

April 22, 2009
10:23 am
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soofoo
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Okay. One step at a time. Fractured means broken. If you don't believe me please google it. Your fingers are broken. You need to get medical help for that right away in any way you can. Please do that first, and then we can talk about everything else. Do it however you can. If you need to lie to be able to see the Doctor then lie. If you are not willing to turn him in, then lie. But please, please, get help for those fingers.

April 22, 2009
10:25 am
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soofoo
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All of your fears and problems can be treated. You just need to get medical attention.

April 22, 2009
11:07 am
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lollipop3
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((((Myself)))),

Oh you poor thing! I wish that I could just go take you from there and hug you and show you a different life, free from fear. My heart just breaks reading your posts.

But I cannot. The best I can do is to be as honest with you as I can be and to support you in whatever decisions you make.

You asked..."will it stop"? The answer to that is more than likely....no. I say more than likely because there is a very slight chance it could stop if he was willing to get help for himself but from what you have written, that does not seem likely. If he does not get help....then no...it will not stop. And chances are...it will get worse.

Unfortunately, people are who they are and that does not ususally change without a long term commitment to change and a whole lot of hard work. One must have the capacity to change. The capacity for insight into themselves and their behavior. And unfortunately most abusers have no such insight or capacity. And even if/when they do, it may take years and years of treatment.

You don't have to take my word for it.... There is alot of information on domestic abuse out there. Call a domestic abuse hotline and talk to them. Go to the library (if you can)...there is a great book called ..."Why does he do that....Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. Educate yourself. It will help you to decide what is right for you.

The first step in recovery and regaining your confidence, self-esteem, etc..is to understand that you cannot change him. You cannot make him want to change. You cannot make him get help. Just like alcoholism....you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. The only thing that you can control is you. The only person you can help is you.

I know right now you believe that you cannot live without him but you can. There are many woman out there just like you (me included) that believed the same thing. But you can make it without him. There is a life outside of the abusive box you are living in.

And I also know that you see the "good" side of him. Every person has a good side. Even the worst people in the world may have good qualities but that does not make up for the bad that they do. People are not "good" or "bad". They are both. And some people's "bad" is just unacceptable. Your partner's "bad" is unacceptable. He has no right to abuse you. He has no right to hurt you. He has no right to control you. He has no right to isolate you. Or to break your bones. Or to make you feel badly about yourself.

You are a wonderful, caring , loving, breathing, real human being with the right live free of fear and abuse.

You do make him abuse you. Just like every other adult human being in this world...he has a choice. He chooses to abuse you.
You are not responsible for his treatment of you. He is responsible.

I know this is probably very overwhelming. I know that feeling in your gut when you begin to see a flash of hope, a little glimmer of strength and thoughts about what "could be"... but then you look around and reality sets in. The fear, the anxiety. I've been there.
It takes time. Recovery doesn't happen overnight. Decisions don't always come easily. But please consider it. At least just consider the possibility of giving youself a chance at a life without abuse.

You are worth it.

Please keep posting.

My thoughts are with you...

Lolli

April 22, 2009
11:17 am
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lollipop3
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Oh for the love of God, please excuse the typo above...

"You do make him abuse you."

That should have read..."You DO NOT make him abuse you".

My apologies....

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