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will i lose mom?
May 17, 2006
3:12 pm
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thumkin
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I am considering moving in with my b/f. My mother will of course be devastated b/c we are not married. I have been married 2x and do not feel like I should take that big of a step yet and niether does he. I was raised to not have the whole premarital sex thing but living together or not we still do that. If I could go back and change it I would have waited maybe, but I didnt. I am torn between living my life and waiting for her approval, of course the only thing that would get that is to quit seeing him and any other man until my kids are grown. I am so torn I dont know what to do.

May 17, 2006
3:22 pm
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garfield9547
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thumpkin

Do I get you??

Wait for your moms approval??

NO

How old are you if I may ask?

Garfield

May 17, 2006
3:35 pm
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thumkin
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Too old to wait for mommy's approval. But let me explain if I can the effect my mom has on people. She does not get angry, she gets disappointed. She seems to be perfect. Her mother (to me) was perfect. You tried your best never to disappoint grandma, now that she is gone mom has taken that place. I am in my thirties, and for that many years I have tried to hide me from mom so as not to disappoint her. She makes me feel so bad about myself but only with honesty. Yes I know its wrong but I love him etc. etc. Before I ever make a decision it feels like I have always called her first. Even when I left my second husband I called her first and it was almost like I was asking for her approval then, and because she knew he was mentally abusive she was all for it. It just seems like I cannot break away from this habit.

May 17, 2006
3:53 pm
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garfield9547
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thumpkin

"and for that many years I have tried to hide me from mom so as not to disappoint her. "

To hide yourself from your mom means emotional abuse. Sorry, this is what I think.

Your mom is there to accept you as you are and unconditionally love you. This is clearly NOT what you experienced with her.

I think its time for you to be EMOTIONALLY honest with yourself and see yourself as a SEPARATE peraon from your mom.

It seems like you are emotionally enmeshed with her feelings and in the process has lost your own identity

Garfield

May 17, 2006
4:11 pm
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thumkin
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Oh good golly dont ever tell her that. No I know it isnt right but it also isnt something I have been able to figure out how to change. She of course says she loves me unconditionally but she hurts because she sees the choices I make hurt me and I make bad choices that hurt her too.

May 17, 2006
4:20 pm
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garfield9547
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thumkin

Its late on my side of the world. Have to go to bed now. Before i go ...

"She makes me feel so bad about myself but only with honesty. Yes I know its wrong but I love him etc.

She makes me feel bad but with honesty is called in my books ambivalent feelings. You are torn between what you feel for your boyfriend and your mom.

Go and read on this and you will see. You are not married to your mother. You will have to separate emotionally from your mother in order to really love and be in a relationship with your boyfriend.

You ask

Will I lose mom?

If you lose your mom in the process of being in a happy loving relationship then I would say your mom loves you for the wrong reasons. She makes you feel guilty etc.

Before I ever make a decision it feels like I have always called her first.

Why do you feel you need MOMS approval?
You are not a child anymore. You have to stand up for yourself and make your own desitions. You are on the right track. I can see you are moving in the right direction.

Just my opinion

Garfield

May 17, 2006
4:22 pm
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thumkin
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goodnight and thank you

May 17, 2006
4:56 pm
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Dear thumkin,

My mother died when I was 17. I don't understand WHY ON EARTH my 35-yr-old niece still complains and "wants" things from her mother (my oldest sister). It just doesn't make sense to me.

I loved my mother. Very very much. But I do remember that even at 17, she could be pretty invasive and opinionated about what I should and shouldn't be doing. Once, when I was in a quandry about going to a dance with my girlfriends (at a place I wasn't too sure about), my mother just sat back after giving me the pros and cons and said it was up to me.....that shot of confidence in my ability to make a good decision did wonders...I chose to go to the dance (!), but was uncomfortable enough with the "seediness" of the place that I decided I didn't want to go there again.

What happens in your head when you make decisions without consulting her? Why do you think it is necessary? Why can't you just oh-by-the-way INFORM her about what you have already gone ahead and done and decided? Why does she get to have a say in how you make your own choices at this stage of your life? I honestly do not understand this. I am truly not trying to be critical. I admire and have little pangs of jealousy when I see adult mothers and daughters have lovely relationships.

But I also saw my 70-yr-old step-mom "bristle" when her 90-yr-old mom suggested she had used the wrong color napkins when she set her formal dinner table....

I guess I still have parental "voices" and guidelines running through my head. I don't think anyone is immune to that.

Maybe set your mother's "disapproval" waaay over there for a moment and ask the real questions of why you want to move in with your bf.....is it fear that after 2 divorces, it could just happen a 3rd time?

Can you draw up a list of pros and cons that have to do with just you and him (and involved children)? I know a few long-term relationship couples who are content to keep separate living arrangements and it does not detract from the relationship. I also went to a wedding last month for a couple who has lived together for 16 yrs and has 2 children together and they decided to acknowledge and announce their commitment in front of God and everybody, even at this stage. It seemed almost like restitution time, like gathering up and correcting a poor past decision.....

Maybe it is about honesty, thumkin, and the courage it takes to risk your mother's disapproval and/or criticism. If you've already experienced that, and she is still helping you and loving you and comforting you in your struggles, I do not think she would stop loving you for moving in with your bf. (And, by the way, what is so bad about a single mom's life? Doesn't she get to make the house rules, choose the menu, keep her reading light on all night if she wants to, etc.?) Is it your bf who wants the live-in situation because it is so muchh more convenient?

Make a list of everyone's real motives....especially the ones that smack of self-centeredness....

I think your mom needs you as much as you need her. It would be nice if you could just like her as a friend more and let of go of the controlling criticism you are both using on each other.

She does not "make" you feel.....you are the one who is choosing to feel that way. Of course no one wants to smack Bambi's mom in the face -- I'm sure your mom is a really lovely, gracious woman. How queenly she and her own mother must be to be always "right". I'm sorry, I'm thinking so what???? This is your life, not theirs. What will she/they do? Cast their eyes down in embarassment whenever a friend mentions your name??

I would be far more concerned about my children's opinion of me now. I know they will always love me, but the older I get the more I want their respect.

May 17, 2006
5:00 pm
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garfield9547
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thumkin

You posted at the same time I did.

Husband and kids sleeping.

"she hurts because she sees the choices I make hurt me "

This is called a fantasy, How could she know that the choices you make hurt. Who gets hurt here?
She or you?

"I make bad choices that hurt her too. "

Please explain how you can make bad choices that hurt your mom?

You can never make other person happy. That I have learned through waisting years of my life. You can only make yourself happy. You are on the right road. Looking for the answers,

Follow your heart

Garfield

May 17, 2006
5:25 pm
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thumkin
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Me too. I have spent years of my life trying to make others happy to be here not knowing how to make myself happy. But does it not make me selfish too. It would be so much easier to move in with him financially, but what am I teaching the girls. Of course it is such a peaceful environment when we are all together something we are not that used to after the last 9 years with my ex. I dont know I am just so confused and worried about everyone else that I am becoming a bad mother, something I have not been before, and so depressed I cant cook, clean, stay in bed all the time. I will figure it out eventually but it is so darn frustrating sometimes I want to quit.

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