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will I forget her? my struggle
April 22, 2009
5:45 pm
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nexpose
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My GF broke up with me in early Nov. of 2008 and I wonder if there's any timeline where I should be over her? Here it's closing in on six months and I'm better but then again what's "better"??

I had really felt a sense of loss beyond belief but what's odd is that I should have broken up with her. She's a cheater and a liar but I always tried to see that good part in her.

We almost got back together in January but I guess I kind of pushed that and it all blew up. She's now moved away so I know that should help.

Although I've still texted her but nothing anymore. I know, it's way over and move on but what are the steps???

A friend says to just involve myself with activities I enjoy but I go to these areas and say, "we were here, we did that" and I think about her.

I'm trying to date now and have goals for myself but feel I've missed the boat of life so to speak.

I'm almost 41 and thought I had the woman I'd marry and now I have to start all over again. Even if it's not about age, 41 isn't 21. 🙂 Just a fact in my opinion.

I feel rushed and it makes me anxious.

I still feel I'm the best thing that's happened to her and she'd even said that. I know post break I got weird pushing and all but in the end she had fidelity issues and I know I can't tolerate that.

Thanks for any advice.

April 22, 2009
5:49 pm
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CAMER
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it will take time, and 6 months isn't a long time.

As your friend said....go out and do things, attend functions, or even just go out for walks or hiking, if you like doing stuff like that.

The more you get outside and stay busy the less you will think of her.

and remember, she was unfaithful to you, that is not good. Maybe try thinking that you gave her alot, and YOU were the one taken advantage of.

Breakups are hard to deal with, they are never easy.

Just take your time, do things for yourself, heck maybe even attend some Coda meetings and you can find out things about yourself.

Do you think you are codependent????

April 22, 2009
6:54 pm
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fantas
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Nexpose,

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I think that although it hurts, this is a better place for you than being with her. Clearly, she doesn't feel good about herself, and therefore can't appreciate good person. Regardless of who she is with, she will probably sabotage her relationships. You have no control over that, all you can control is yourself.

I do think you need to dig up what in you made you want to settle with her despite her infidelity. I say this because until you figure that out, you might find yourself in another relationship with the same dynamics. A woman who doesn't value herself and therefore cannot value you. I think that somewhere along the way, you may have learned to accept love in hurtful ways so now you continue to expect love to hurt and to be complicated. You trying to see her good parts means that you are dishonoring your good parts. While this may seem noble, it isn't the stuff healthy,fulfilling,adult relationships are made of.

I would suggest allowing yourself to feel the pain that your gf's cheating caused you. It's painful to have the person you love and value most betray your trust over and over again. It's painful to have the one we love tell us they love us and then act like they didn't care for us or mistreat us and expect us to continue loving them like we weren't hurt.

I think you will move through this quicker if you can truly see her and you and this relationship for what it was. One person gave and the one took until there was nothing else to take and she moved on. Do you really want to continue with this drama? You deserve to be with someone who loves you,appreciates your love, who know what they are worth. You also need to have a clear picture of what you are worth and deserve. I can guarantee you that a cheating partner isn't part of that equation.

Keep posting and reading here. Many of us know exactly what you are going through.

April 22, 2009
8:31 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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breaking up sucks. it will take time six months may be long enough for some but it could take longer. try to just live each day as it comes. don't try to heal yourself quickly. you will be ready for a healthy relationship if you can take time to get over the old one.

April 22, 2009
8:46 pm
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nexpose- You will forget her. Its not if its when.

When someone is in an intimate relationship it cause the hormone oxytocin to be released in the brain. Oxytocin causes two people to be bonded.

So, its not just an intellectual,and emotinal issue it is also a chemical one. Almost the same process that an addict experiences. Except you are addicted to a person, going through very painful withdrawals and the only thing that gives you release is to be with them.

This can go on for years. It normally continues until you meet someone else. Why cause when you meet someone else then you're brain will manufacture oxytocin again. And Oxytocin is an amnesic. The oxytocin that will get produced when you get involved with someone else will erase the memory of the person you used to be with.

Yes, as you get older the resource of available partners does decrease. But there are more single females than males so the odds are in your favor.

In the meantime, cultivate other relationships, get out and meet people. Work on yourself.

Come her post, get the emotional support that you need. And you will get through this one day at a time.

April 22, 2009
9:52 pm
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bereft
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don't read this.

sometimes you don't forget. sometimes life is a struggle no matter what you do. sometimes you live to recall every kiss, every kind word. sometimes you miss her so much you want to die. sometimes my only hope was to somedaylook into her eyes again.

it was like that for me. i never got over losing her. she haunted me endlessly and i was obsessed with everything that was her, places, smells, music, poems, looking for her face in the people passing by. it would have been impossible, not to mention unfair, for me to think another woman could ever take her place. i knew she was the one. i just knew.

the years passed, but her memory was fresh as if i saw her yesterday.

eight years later she called me out of the blue. she'd never gotten over me either. seven months later we were married.

sometimes, just sometimes, for whatever reasons, dreams come true. sometimes God has other plans.

April 22, 2009
11:18 pm
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nexpose,
You have not missed the boat of life. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Do not worry. Just let your life unfold.

The heart has it's own ideas about these things. You can't force or rush your heart. Really, it has only been since January, as you had almost gotten back together then.

You will never forget her. But you will stop hurting over this loss.

I had many break ups with my ex before the final one in February. We had split for two months once and every day for me was just as painful as every other day. I was so heartbroken and I dragged myself through life. And there was no improvement over the entire time period. Of course, we got back together. My heart was not willing to let him go. When he came back I took him right back in.

I don't feel this way now. I have suffered so much and yet my suffering is done.

I am not exactly sure how I got to this point. I suspect some of it has to do with what I've learned, but I'm not sure, because my heart has a will of it's own. I love him. And I can love him best by not seeing him or having contact with him. Because when I'm with him, I need him to be someone he can't be, and this is damaging to his self-esteem. So he is better off without me. I know that although I thought I was good for him, and I rescued him from many troubles, helped him through many struggles, I am not actually good for him, as I thought I was. I did see a lot of good in him, and so I had expectations that he could not meet, no matter how reasonable they were. And it was damaging to him to constantly fail me and it led to a downward spiral. All along I knew the relationship was hurting me, but I didn't know how it was hurting him.

April 23, 2009
6:41 am
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Nexpose,

You said;

"My GF broke up with me in early Nov. of 2008 and I wonder if there's any timeline where I should be over her"?

I've been told that it's one year, on average, to get over someone you love.
I suppose it depends on what your definition of "getting over" someone is.

It's been just over 13 months now that I've been separated & I still think of her most days. Lately it's been a mixture of angst & anger while reflecting on that past. I think that the current economic situation & how it has affected me personally has had a hand in some of the negative thoughts coming to mind re - my ex.

The anxiety I had felt at the onset of the failed relationship was truly an awful thing to go through. Although I still feel bouts of heartache from time to time, is it less frequent & not nearly so acute. Still, as for me, concerning the "healed heart" thing goes, I think that I'm a long way from being "out of the woods", so to speak, and still at times ask myself a similar question. "Will I ever really get over it"? Probably never totally. There'll likely always be some scarring of the heart as a consequence of loving someone then loosing them.

I agree with Destiny that a new lover pretty much tends to mostly snuff out the fire left from the old one. But, I don't have the rescources emotionally or financially for that matter, to even entertain persuing another relationship, Me thinks I'm still packing sum of that proverbial "past relationship baggage".

Sounds as though it was a good thing for your ex to have left your part of the country. The same happened with mine as well & I'm glad about that as I would really hate to have to run into her lying ass over & over. Hell, a single encounter would be more than enough for me. Still not sure when or if that will happen. As her kids live in the same town as me, odds are it could happen eventually but, I can only hope not. Don't want to reopen old wounds, ya know?

All the best to you in your recovery. You are still young enough at 41 to secure a new love one day down the road. As for me, well, I'm 49 & only weeks away from being the big five-O.
I've gotta admit, it not making me feel very optimistic about my future. Ah, I suppose time will tell. Ah..damn. Hope things can somehow work out for before it's too late for me.

(Dest)

More single woman than men? Hmm..that's interesting. Certainly not bad news.

The "oxytocin" thing you'd mentioned and it's supsequent release as a result of "bonding" in a new relationship is probably one of the biggest things that can finally lift one out of the possessive thoughts.
Makes sense & seems to prove itself when you observe a person with a new significant other.

Sure do miss that stuff. The bonding, closeness, trust, respect & mutual compassion. I still maintain that it's so much about home & hearth for me. Just haven't had much luck in selecting healthy partners who are healthy & really in it for the long haul.

They say that the best predictor of one's future is their past. Hers was rather sordid & I shouldn't have had so much faith in it being a viable marriage. After her heavy drinking began once again, it was only a matter of a few years until she had spiraled into a rather depressive state. Not seeming to know any better, I allowed myself to be sucked down with her. Sure couldn't take that ever happening again.

soofoo;

You said;

"And I can love him best by not seeing him or having contact with him. Because when I'm with him, I need him to be someone he can't be, and this is damaging to his self-esteem. So he is better off without me. I know that although I thought I was good for him, and I rescued him from many troubles, helped him through many struggles, I am not actually good for him, as I thought I was. I did see a lot of good in him, and so I had expectations that he could not meet, no matter how reasonable they were. And it was damaging to him to constantly fail me and it led to a downward spiral. All along I knew the relationship was hurting me, but I didn't know how it was hurting him".

Well said and if I just replace the him with a "her", I can very much relate to what you've said. I like thinking about it that way.

Bereft;

So, nice that it worked out for you & your loved one eventually. That's the exception to the rule & the stuff that movies are made out of. Congrats!

Crg

April 23, 2009
9:05 am
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You've had tons of good advice here in regards to the breaking up, so I will just address one comment you made:

"I'm almost 41 and thought I had the woman I'd marry and now I have to start all over again. Even if it's not about age, 41 isn't 21. 🙂 Just a fact in my opinion."

What I really want to tell you is it is NEVER too late to enjoy true love, and now that you've gotten rid of the wrong woman, you can open your heart to the right woman.

People spend years in the wrong relationship, only to realize it later. My current bf spent 19 yrs (22 all told!) with the wrong woman. She cheated, she lied, the works. And by the time they divorced, he had retailated. When he met me, he was 45 and looking to make up for lost time. And he thinks that everything he went through then was worth it to have me now. And likewise, I spent 2 years with an abusive bf who completed suicide one year before I met my current bf. And even though what we both went through was tough, it all leads to greater knowledge and empathy for the human condition.

So the answer is, yes, you will move on from this, but don't let the anxiety get the best of you in the meantime. When the time is right to meet someone, you will know and it will all fall into place... I never expected to find love at my summer cashiering job, but there it was staring me in the face in the middle of the equine product aisle one sunny Saturday September morning.

Oh, and stop going places you went with her silly! Go make your own new adventures! Be done with that woman! There are plenty of great, wonderful women who are looking for a man who appreciates them... I know this for a fact!

April 23, 2009
9:06 am
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Oh, and btw... my bf is 45 and I'm 29 and I chose him over MANY MANY MANY 21 yr olds!

April 23, 2009
10:54 am
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soofoo
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Crg,
It is helpful to think about it this way, isn't it? We are loving people. We want to love. And we should, but we might need to change our idea of what that means. Love isn't always intimacy, love can be good will. Love can be acceptance.

When my children are babies, we are very close. I hold them and carry them around and they even get their food from my body. But as time goes on, they go further and further away. Their needs start to move from intimacy to freedom, little by little. I may feel sad as they move on, but that is mitigated by the pride I feel for them and the joy I get as they celebrate accomplishments and adventures. I do not love them any less as they become more independent. My love is forever.

I want to give myself and my ex a similar gift from my heart. My love is forever. I love him when I pray for him at night, he doesn't have to hear the prayer or even know that I'm praying for him. This is my love. I love him by wishing him well with all my might. I love him by forgiving every wrongdoing, without the need for apology or amends. I love him in a way that does not need. This way, we are both free. I am honoring my heart, and my values, and my vows, which are sacred to me. My love is forever.

April 23, 2009
10:33 pm
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nexpose
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Thank you everyone. This has been the greatest advice so know I appreciate it. And probably the first time ever I posted something anywhere serious without someone having a snotty comment. That means a lot to me.

I have now been looking back and just realize I should have never gotten this serious with her. I mean knowing so much of her past and drama. I guess I was looking at that good side and seeing potential but she just couldn't handle life I suppose.

The hardest thing now is I work where we worked together. So the memories are a little harder to just get over. I believe I've turned the corner where it's not driving me insane. I know this is good.

I understand the one person here who mentioned economics and how that makes it harder to get back into another relationship. My ex and I had lived together so we of course did half and half with rent and all. And my job now which was one of the blessings from her, I had just gotten less than 2 months before the split.

My economic situation hadn't been the greatest and now it's looking up. The big HUGE problem is that I'm in a temporary living situation with my parents but I had no choice. This of course is the kiss of death with another woman. I'm still testing the waters and trying to gain my confidence.

Sometimes I feel I wanted to be back with my ex so I could just have that feel of a relationship.

I know one here said Co-Dependent and that could very well be me. I definitely was the care giver and felt I needed to help her and all.

On another note I really couldn't go other places like someone said since I'm kind of an everywhere type guy. 🙂 I like going to tons of places and my ex and I were all over.

My greatest help will be when I change work but I need to stay put through September. Not the easiest times nowadays but I feel I have goals now and try to take it easy.

The scenario of her calling in eight years would be interesting. 🙂 Congratulations to the one who mentioned that. That must be a one in a million type deal but from her standpoint I could almost see that happen. In no way can I pine for that but I know how good I was to her and she knows that.

There were so many red flags and I just ignored them. In her own way she needed me at the time and I needed her so it was a moment in time I appreciate since it'll make me stronger.

April 24, 2009
10:06 am
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nexpose,

Well, the good news is that since you are a "go everywhere kind of guy" you have a chance of meeting someone new and of healing faster, since outgoing people tend to be optimists... jmo.

Also, just remember this: if you focus on the fact you overslept, you will never realize that you woke up.

Glad you found the board helpful... I was a newbie just a month ago and am so happy I found such a great group. I didn't know so many people could get together and still have such nice manners on the internet!

April 24, 2009
12:59 pm
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Hi nexpose,

You said: " In her own way she needed me at the time and I needed her so it was a moment in time I appreciate since it'll make me stronger. "

I can so relate to that statement. My last relationship was not a good one. Nor was the one before that. Both very toxic and both very painful in their own way but both very necessary, as combined they brought me to where I am today...... A little older, a little wiser, a little more sure of myself and who I am. I finally know what I want and what is or is not acceptable to me. And because of those relationships, I was forced to start looking at myself and the role I was playing in life and the in the (bad) choices I was making.

As painful as those relationships were, I am grateful for them. If not for them, it may have taken me years more to realize the work I needed to do to make myself open to a more loving relationship.

It hurts yes, but it does get better. The memories do begin to fade and we do move on.

I felt very much like you do not so long ago (as seen in past "Lolli" threads) but here I am today with those relationships securely in my past and now with a wonderful man that in two weeks I will marry.

Oh and FYI, I know you mentioned above about age, which I get completely, so just so you know....I am 37 and he is 47. It can and does happen.

Good luck to you.

Lolli

April 26, 2009
11:47 am
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penny lane
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Nexpose

What wonderful advice has been given here..and what is interesting..what has been shared touches each of our experiences..even in part...it causes me to feel a unity.

You made a comment that struck me to want to add to this post..."i was the best thing for her" ..wow..how many of us have said that about our mates that are bad for us? I know I certainly have..sometimes I wonder if I choose a partner that feels "less than me" in an effort to ward off potential pain by feeling superior...someone who needs my help thereby allowing me to be the "fixer" and gain the upper hand. Also ..by being the fixer...I feel that that person would be foolish to leave me...afterall...I have done this and that for him...Silly isnt that? That comes from my co dependence..but I see it...and that is a blessing. Now when that type of situation crosses my path...I turn from it...difficult as it can be at times...I know in the big picture..it is healthier for me.

41 is still very young..and what progress you are making..recongnizing issues within yourself is the first step towards whole realiztion and self actualization...good luck

May 1, 2009
1:19 am
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sunshine88
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hi nexpose, i suppose i say the same thing about my failed relationship. i was the best thing for him, and he says the same thing. but he left me anyway.

i dont have words of wisdom for you. all i have are words to share to you that i, from halfway around the world, feel the same way. relates to your pain, and suffers the same.

maybe we can learn from each other. keep posting.

May 3, 2009
1:41 am
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nexpose
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Lately silly things are happening that remind me of her. With warmer weather I'm wearing t-shirts and I hadn't had them out since we lived together. So they smell of the detergent used there. I mean it's not her smell but I remember that from there. Is this insane? haha. Or I bought shampoo and saw her brand and that triggered things. It seems like miniscule, ridiculous things remind me of her now. The pain is receding but guess memories never fade.

On a "moving ahead" note I should have a date Tuesday so I'm trying for sure. And getting out when I'm able. Step by step.

But finally in the Fall I'll change jobs and that'll really help since she use to work with me there. And I plan going to Brazil for travel so I'll make it. 🙂

Thanks again

PS "41 is still very young" 🙂 Maybe take out the "very" hehe.

May 3, 2009
1:50 am
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hi nexpose, i'm experiencing the same thing. as the old song goes, "there's always something there to remind me."

because you lived a life together, you were actually sharing most moments of your day with her, and that's something you didn't notice before. when my ex left, i suddenly realized how much we shared together. coffee together, checking our emails side by side, not talking, just sitting next to each other.

all of the sudden, you are alone, and you are by your laptop alone, and you are sleeping alone, and eating alone, and all day, darn, you are alone. it's hard. i know what it is.

and it's not silly at all. i think it's a normal process of recovery. i am tempted to hurry up my recovery. i just want to get rid of this pain. but i know that healing takes time. they say that healing a broken heart, is like healing a broken bone. you put a cast on it, but you can't force it to heal faster. it heals on its own. depending maybe on how badly it was broken.

good luck with your trip to Brazil. traveling does help.

keep posting. i like hearing from people who are struggling the same as me. it inspires me to keep going, and to share if i do have some small victories in a day. so far none though.

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