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Will I ever trust again?
July 8, 2007
8:53 pm
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dee1
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Hi all,

Well, I have nt been around for a while but when my 5 and a half year relationship ended a yr and a half ago, I found great advice and warmth here. Basically, every guy in the past, 3 serious relationships have all ended becasue of another woman, 2 were cheating and the first was in love with an ex, maybe he was cheating too?? Anyway, in the last 4 months I ve met the most lovely guy ever. He treats me so well and I ve never been so happy with someone. He s talked about us living together and I ve met his parents and family and I think he s quite serious about me. The thing is I m constantly suspicious of him and I m finding it so hard to think he could be faithful. I have completely irrational thoughts and all my friends think he s such a decent guy, Im just so scared that if I let go and really belive in this guy Ill be so hurt Ill never want to go near aman again..I have nt expressed any ofhtese feelings to him but I also worry that he ll maybe see how inesecure I ma and not be so keen anymore....Do you ever learn to really trust again and not expect the same things that have happened to happen before to happen again??

July 8, 2007
9:24 pm
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dee1
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July 8, 2007
9:32 pm
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Rasputin
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September 30, 2010
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Dee~

Welcome back!!! I remember you. I think I responded to your posts a number of times.

I'm sorry for all the hurts and betrayals that took place in your life thru your exs. You have been abused and it is quite normal to feel the way you do. Most abused people become traumatized and project these feelings and fears on others. What you need to do right now is Healing. You need to get healed and actually you need to take a break from all relationships and just focus on YOU. Give love to yourself and put all your energy on healing yourself. Tell me Dee: Do you attend any support groups such as Coda, 12 steps, AA or any others? That would be so helpful. You need to connect with others and share and listen to them.

July 9, 2007
9:26 am
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risingfromtheashes
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there is a small book out there called courage to trust.

and in it, the premise is we need to learn to trust ourselves first.

in that, we need to trust that we can see trouble when it's happening and do something in an adult manner to take care of it.

what happens is our inner "child" acts out because it doesn't trust our "adult" who is in charge to make appropriate decisions, to protect our inner "child".

so, our insecurities and worries are our inner "child" crying out.

When we show that child that we can make adult decisions and protect our inner child, then that inner child quiets down.

You mention being cheated on...perhaps you had gut feelings that it was happening, but ignored them....until you couldn't any more...perhaps you tried to stay with the guy anyway...perhaps you tried to convince him to stay true to you.

If any of this happened, perhaps your inner child is worried you will not "see" infidelity when it happens or you won't leave when you feel it's happening.

Learn to trust your gut.

has this new guy sent up any signals that it may happen? does he know about your past? what does your gut say?

can you trust again? yeah, I think you can...in time...but first learn to trust yourself.

I was cheated on in a previous relationship...my current BF also cheated on me...but we worked it out...and it's great. But since he has been cheated on, he still has ongoing worries it could happen with me. We communicate, we try to be sensitive to eachother's wounds. BUT, big BUT here, I know I can trust him with my heart.

IF you have another abuser here...he could use this information against you....or hide his infidelity that much better knowing you are vigilant about it.

So, make sure you can trust him with your heart...which means learning to trust your own intuition, and seeing signals if they exist....and knowing what to do about them...and not sticking around until it's too late.

July 9, 2007
9:39 am
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taj64
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Hello Dee1. I remember you. I would just get busy doing other things, start projects or have your own litle thing going on and take that focus off of him. You said you were as happy as you ever were, so let it be and keep telling yourself that. IF it is not broke don't fix it. But obviously you still have issues from your past which may not have anything to do with this new guy, the problem is within you so work on for yourself. It is relatively new relationship, there is more to learn, doesn't mean it will work out or not work out. Just be patient with yourself most of all. It all takes time since it is new. Not all guys are cheaters, it is just the day and age when it becomes all too acceptable. Set standards for yourself. Ask, has he cheated before. IF he says he is one person only type of guy, then believe it. Be secure with yourself, be independent socially from him. Having your own life and separate identify is beneficial in a relationship. Having separate interest allows balance and also keeps you to feel powerful about yourself. And most of all relax or find ways to relax. Keeps your mind off from being anxious over what he is doing. Only time is going to tell though as you get to know him even more. Enjoy the relationship you have, be in it, but be yourself, your own person.

July 9, 2007
4:05 pm
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dee1
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Thanks everyone for responding. You really helped me.
Ras, I think you re right that I need to heal more and maybe I was nt strong enough to be in a relationship but its hard to go back now and the guy treats me so well.
Risingftheashes...wow, I need to get that book, you really it the nail on the head when you said the 'inner' child is scared that the 'adult' wont protect her. I think thats what freaks me out, I look back at the relationships where I was cheatd on and there were signs from very early on but I ignored them. With theis guy there are no signs, so its almost as if I m searching for the invisible so I can protect myslef'just incase' because I did nt protect myself in the past. I ve never asked has he cheated. I find it a painful subject. He told me a previous girl of 3 years had cheated and he was very hurt and he seems like quite a sensitive guy and notthe cheating type. Im not in any kind of support group. Im very close to my Mam and she suggests I try YOga to learn to relax.
Taj, You are right only time will tell and I need to be independent and have my own life. I do now but Im aware that I have codependency issues si thanks for reminding me to keep my own life becasue in the past I ve let that slip with people who were so not worthy of my co-depemdency:)...I think I m nearly expecting it becasue its all I ve known with men, but RIFhteashes, you re right, in the past there were many signs that I chose to ignore. I m more aware now and will trust my gut. We re going away to Spain for a week next Sunday so maybe we ll get closer on the holiday and I can share some of my feelings and past..thanks all..Dee

July 9, 2007
5:32 pm
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Antagonist
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I ask the same thing from myself everyday. Been a year and 1 month since I have lost almost all trust in most people around me except my family. My trust has not came back yet. Amazing what a cheating girlfriend can do to you.

Just stay strong and remember that you overcame something that not many people have surpassed. Someday your trust will come back and you tell yourself that if something like that happens to you again you will not be as hurt as before. Good luck.

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