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will i ever learn
September 12, 2009
12:43 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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September 27, 2010
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Thanks for the post atalose. No matter where we are on our journey those words have meaning.

Darkeyes you're gonna make it.

Bitsy

September 13, 2009
11:25 am
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Lanigirl
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Darkeyes,

I haven't posted in awhile because I was feeling so much pain that I convinced myself that posting wouldn't help. The things you've shared is so helpful to me.

I don't know where I am exactly but for awhile I was wavering between the stages that Atalose mentioned. I also recognize that he's been here for a season. We are both sad and lonely people and we felt the need in each other. I'm grateful for your words Atalose.

I didn't answer the door, even when he came back an hour later and was pleading with me. Then he called the next day a few times. Seeing as I have low self-esteem, this appealed to me.

After spending some time with him yesterday, he went into the usual mode of not being able to talk to me and me pleading with him that it will be ok, don't feel bad, soon you'll be leaving to your country. He was balled up on the couch and couldn't say anything. Finally, something in me broke and I grabbed my shoes and just left.

I know that since I've lost my job, I'm looking to lean on him and that's the worst choice. He has nothing to give me. Mixed in with that is a sadness that he'll be leaving in October.

September 13, 2009
2:57 pm
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darkeyes
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hi lanigirl. glad you posted..i think when someone is about to leave your life, and if you care at all, you'l miss them terrible. i think for me i am afraid to feel those feelings, even when i know the person is no good for me, i just fool myself into believing everything is ok, stupid. if only the world was all fantasy, but its not thats why we have so much pain and get so badly hurt in life.. yes when you lost your job you leant on him, your human, and theres nothing wrong in leaning on someone, but that someone should be healthy in their own life. thats a struggle to reconise when you are codependant, atalose has helped me greatly to try and see that.. i dont know how old you are, or if you have a place of your own to live in. my way now is to take baby steps, say to myself many times a day in decisions is this a healthy choice for darkeyes, it helps me to pause and think..im sad but a good part of the day now i dont think of this guy when he used to cosumned my thoughts every minute of the day, and did that nearly drive me crasy.. so time helps, loving and taking care of yourself in the way you deserve and do we only deserve the best......(((hugs))).. darkeyes

September 13, 2009
5:57 pm
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Lanigirl
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Thanks Darkeyes.

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