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will i ever learn
September 2, 2009
3:18 pm
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atalose
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I’m just a little confused on your statement “I’m aware now that it could all go out the window” what do you mean by that?

And I know you said you needed to text him back, do you mean on a personal level or did it have something to do with him needing a head count or something on who was attending this weekend event?

Keep that feeling alive of feeling proud that you are doing the right thing by moving on and enjoying life for YOU. I think you are going to have a blast this weekend.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 2, 2009
3:33 pm
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darkeyes
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atalose. what i meant when i said, im aware that it all could go out the window, is this, i dont talk by text anymore to him, i dont have anything to do with him, he knows that now and im trying to stick with that and not text him anymore. at wknd that could change for me when im around him thats what im aware of. he texted me earlier today on a personal level to say that "he l put everything aside for wknd" guess by that he l go back to ignoring me again next wk. thats why i texted him to say what i said. see he says one thing and means another when it suits him, and why he said what he said il never know whats behind it.

September 3, 2009
10:31 am
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i always went by what everyone wanted, my thoughts and ideas never entered into it, just so people would eccept me and love me, i meant nothing to these people, cos they never saw what i had to offer as valid. how could i ever gain self-esteem, or self-worth around these people. im mad at myself today for allowing this to happen to me for so long. i lived a life of fear, afraid ever to do anything for myself. other guy said something to me that has picked away at me sence yesterday. "he l put aside everything for wknd", i asked what happens after wknd do we go back to how things are, reply he gave me was, he cant see into the future so see how the wknd goes, his choice his decision. i have no say in this cos he said, "enough with the texts" so he cut me off from voicing my say, i gave him my power, i took it back, and he still sees that he have control, big mistake this time, yes i go on wkend, yes i be respectfull in company but if he thinks theres a puppet at the end of his strings to pull when its ok for him, he s in for a rude awaking, a man who have barely known that i existed, thinks he has that right to do all this to me. i havent a clue how to change this, but i do know im no ones puppet ever again. dont tell me im reading to much into this cos im finally waking up. the wknd is about me now so is the rest of my life. darkeyes

September 3, 2009
4:13 pm
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atalose
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Ok this is what I see. Obviously there has been tension between the two of you and your mutual friends at dancing. So I see him sending you a text saying “lets put it all aside for the weekend” so that EVERYONE can enjoy and not feel that tension.

You then attempt to force an answer of what happens after the weekend, he gets annoyed tells you he can’t or won’t predict the future then tells you enough with the texts, he doesn’t want to go back down that road with you.

A healthier response would have been “yes, lets forget the past so we both can enjoy the weekend” but the codie in you wants more so you attempted to force something beyond the weekend rather then just see how the weekend goes in the first place.

I know you don’t want to be anyone’s puppet anymore and it’s very hard letting go of that especially when we as codies believe OUR happiness depends on someone else.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 3, 2009
7:40 pm
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darkeyes
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atalose, your proberly right and im seein it wrong, but i have a battle going on in my head, im tired of not knowing what is healty and what is not. im trying to protect myself, im doing it all wrong bu im trying. maybe other guy was been nice i dont know anymore. yes im always looking for something else and i dont even know im doing it or what im looking for. il never get this right. maybe this guy is healty in his thinking, and just wasnt going to accept what i was doing. thanks atalose your a gift. see i dont know how to get this right, but il keep trying., god this bloke must really think im sick. will let you know when back monday how it went. its so sad to know how unhealthy i am, it hurts like hell. thanks again atalose. darkeyes

September 4, 2009
9:37 am
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atalose
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dark,

I’ve been there too, not knowing what is healthy and what is not, still learning as a matter of fact.

I hope you have a great weekend!!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 7, 2009
3:24 pm
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hi atalose, had a great wkend!!. im seeing everything alot clearer now. i still feel something for this other guy? love im not sure anymore. i took al the advise and put it into practise. i let everything go and just went with the flow, i spoke with this guy just very basic, everything is back to what it was before wkend today. letting it go now. he just wants me to feed his ego, i saw something over wknd i didnt like in this guy, its a struggle. im not sure its healthy to be around him anymore for me. he was trying to make me jealous, i felt ",why are you doing this coz you couldnt care less about me" i just got myself out of way until i could handle it, coz i was getting angry. he watched me where ever i went, i wasnt imagaining this, its just a game to him, i see that now. im finding it very hard to stop struggling in myself with all this.. i had a great wknd with everyone else. i am very proud of myself. darkeyes

September 8, 2009
7:42 am
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darkeyes
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hi, how do i get myself stronger? how do i build self-esteem and myself-worth, in a healty way. darkeyes

September 8, 2009
10:39 am
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atalose
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I am so glad you had a great weekend. I am also glad you are beginning to see this guy and the entire situation for what it really was. I know you originally said you loved him but today you are questioning that and with good cause.

We codies don’t really understand love, true love because we value love as we value ourselves. If we lack self esteem and self worth then love can come in any ill form and we thieve on it.

I think you have already begun to build self-esteem and self worth by ending and now resolving your emotions with and about this strange guy.

Knowing but more importantly feeling that you deserve far better then perceived love via a text message. Knowing but more importantly feeling that never again will you give up so much of your self to receive so little back from ANYONE.

If we continue to value ourselves based on another person in our lives we will continue to find un-happiness.

You get yourself stronger and build self-esteem one step at a time. The best way I have found is to understand myself and my own ill thinking. Learning what is healthy but more importantly accepting it.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 9, 2009
6:12 am
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atalose. thank you. your so right, i dont understand love, but i know i have a hugh amount to give and share. i try and never judge people, or how god created them. im going to break a secret here, this other guy told me he is transgender 3yrs ago. i fell i love with him in how he was and when he told me this, it shook the ground from under me, he just left it with me to deal with. why he told me was to get rid of me. then the codie in me took off. i never disresprected him in any way. i accepted who he was. but he could never believe me..see nobody else knows this but me. i hated this secret cos it excluded me from others in group. he knew i wouldnt say anything to anyone. i know he wishes id disapear. in my ill way i thought i could help him how i hadnt a clue..all he does now just shows me he hates me, and i dont want hes pretence of liking me anymore in front of others. i stay away from him in company but he invades my space, i could never understand that. thank you atalose for helping me see. and in your tread no one said anything as nice about me in my lifetime.. now ive lifted his control over me by revealing hes secret it was never mine to keep.why he could never accept me for who i am il never know. darkeyes

September 9, 2009
6:56 am
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hi just to say this guy is leaving soon to begin his new life. he has started the prosess by going on tablets, he has told me alot about himself by text and when we meet its as if i dont exist, see when i spoke about this guy i couldnt reveal his secret, nothing makes sence now and it never did or will for me. journey i had to travel to learn, and one thing i do know now, you have no choise in who you fall in love with, but you have a choice in how you behave,

September 9, 2009
7:28 am
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darkeyes
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i feel now i decieved every one here, see thats how everyone sees him, as a guy. so how could i explain to anyone where i was comming from and what i knew. i had a secret to keep and that nearly drove me to madness. that wasnt healthy for me to keep, i was in a lie to everyone with him/her, and in all that i saw a woman when everyone else saw a man. i dont think anyone could understand coz i dont and dont think i ever will. and i think now he never believed i saw him as a woman, even though i always said i did.. dont uderstand it and never wil but god had a plan for me and i believe that wholehearted.

September 9, 2009
9:38 am
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atalose
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O darkeyes, No you didn’t deceive anyone here. We share what we can when we can. You needed time to process an awful lot that has transpired with this person. I am glad you shared the secret, sharing it allowed YOU to open up about something that must be extremely confusing and painful for you.

The more you share the more I can see the entire picture and how two individuals each with their own mixed emotions and issues bonded and shared those emotions via text messages.

You each had unique circumstances, you had a husband and he had his secret which I am sure he didn’t reveal until after you were truly hooked. As you said you believe he told you it in order to get rid of you.

Here’s my take, I can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like to be born a man but want to become a woman. That in it self must be a mountain of emotional turmoil to deal with. Then he realizes that the person he’s been corresponding with has developed deep feelings for HIM. If he’s not shared this secret with others in your group that leads me to believe he does care about you, trusted you with his secret but his hinky behavior after that, lies in his own ill thoughts and issues.

It would appear that he’s not revealed this to anyone else so that tells me he’s still hiding his true self and possible embarrassed with his own decision. Either way it’s hinky, it’s HIS issues and HIS embarrassment in front of you while with these other people. See, he knows you know his true self, that’s he’s fake while in the presents of others and that bothers him that’s why he acts the way he does. I don’t believe it’s you as much as what you represent – the truth.

Another way to look at is may be that he did in fact reveal this to you because he did care, because he felt you falling in love with him so he told you the truth. The fact that after he revealed the truth he began to act weird tells me he’s not comfortable with that truth yet.

But none of his why’s or how comes really matter worth a dam today what matters is that this person brought to light something in you that needs some work in order for you to have a truly happy and peaceful life. It was a hurtful gift but a gift no less. That’s how I look at one of my ex bf’s, his presents in my life brought to light my lack of truly understanding love and the beginning of my codependency journey. Today rather then be mad at him or still feel hurt I am thankful that he was a part of my discovery of myself.

From what you have said it sounds like he is going away to become someone else and then you won’t have to deal with him and his behavior while at your dancing with friends. I think once he’s gone you’ll begin to truly detach from him and all the crazy mixed emotions that come with him.

Again, I don’t see you as deceiving anyone here darkeyes. As a matter of fact I see a woman becoming stronger and stronger and making a real attempt to put her life on a healthier track.

(((dark)))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 9, 2009
10:14 am
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thanks atalose, i fell in love with him, he knew i had, i think i scared him,cos he didnt know what to do, i explained even going so far as revealing my soul to him trying to get him to understand. yes i think he cares even though he has never said it, but hes actions revealed it, cos no matter what i asked him hed do it. i could never judge him gee my heart went out to him, the hurt and pain i went through for this guy il never understand what gods plan was/is. its not over yet. i couldnt even begin to know what pain hes going through, but i have some clue, thats how i know when you fall in love you have no say only what comes after, i would never reveal his secret to anyone ever but on here coz it started to become over powering again didnt know if i could get through it. its not mine but some how its partly mine. i dont know why he cant speak with me in person, and that hurts the most, we fight big time, and we say we l never speak again, but something pull us back together again. maybe your right in saying when im around i am hes truth, maybe that was gods plan for him that i tempt him in his struggle, i do believe in destiny, and as you say he was in mine so that id see and change. now do you understand me a littlt bit better.

September 9, 2009
10:31 am
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its a hugh loss for me. how to handle the pain when he leaves, it scares me. im not going to fool myself in thinking it wont. and i dread loss cos i know what that pain feels like. maybe im meant to suffer in this life, maybe crying out all these emotions will help cos thats something im not used to doing. why couldnt i have just fallen in love with a normal guy, see we each go on a journey to learn the lessons, we r all here to help each other in that, not in judgement but in love. i signed up for this before i came into this life, and out of love, all who cme to teach us lessons come also out of love even if we never believe that, have read and experienced enough of life to knoe that much, my heart goes out to all the suffering in this life,but it not mine to change or judge. darkeyes

September 9, 2009
10:36 am
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atalose
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I certainly do understand better and I am glad you felt comfortable enough to share what was bothering you so much.

As you said it was his secret but his secret was affecting you and your thoughts.

I believe the farther away you get from this situation you’ll be able to see it clearer without so much emotion affecting your view.

Change……..is what brought the two of you together. Both of you need change in your lives and his involvement in your life helped you realize that. Your love for him helped him realize and possibly share for the first with anyone about the change he needed in his life.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 9, 2009
11:26 am
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do i stay away from him. yes his secret effected me hughly, my being was consumned by him/her, its like i wanted to protect him from what hes about to do, but i cant, its not mine, i nearly ended my life cos i couldnt take anymore..yes he knows i love him, and i think that brings him some comfort that hes not alone, but his also at the same time protecting me in hes own way. i know what love is i just need to give some of it to myself and know im worth it hard thing to do. yes im an outsider to him maybe he was just testing me, in 4yrs i havnt gone away, maybe now i need to let him go, feel the pain and hurt, im tired of struggling. if he wanted me in his life i think id be in it by now have to accept that. and that to me is a loss, ond step at a time i think and let what will be be. thank you so much for listening atalose. a hugh weight has been lifted from me, darkeyes

September 10, 2009
5:42 am
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hi. some might think this madness. i text this guy again. i explained how i saw the situation between us, he didnt reply, so i sent him final msg today, if he wanted a friendship even a basic one hed have made a effort, to contact me he didnt, and thats ok to. im letting this all go, and moving on. i wished him look in his life, i deleted his ph number, im detaching from him now, have some understanding why he came into my life, now its time for him to leave. god will help me find a way in all this. another friend rang me in a awful state her dad got some very bad news yesterday, i said i was sorry to hear and that being with her family will bring some comfort. i dont think thats what she wanted to hear, cos ive rang her a few times now left msgs and she havnt answered me,i know she needs time to come to terms with everything god love them. i went through the same experience, so i have some idea what shes going through. but my friends and family i didnt shut out in that time. im being very sencetive i know that right now i wish al this would go away, not coping very well right now. why cant my life be simple, its like everyone in my life is picking away at the very core of me. whats wrong with me?? why cant i just get over all this like most people do.

September 10, 2009
6:02 am
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im sorry just venting all thats coming up inside of me. darkeyes

September 10, 2009
9:04 am
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It No Longer Matters
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I am a little confused. Is he transgendering to a woman or is she transgendering to a man?

Bitsy

September 10, 2009
9:22 am
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atalose
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Dark,

Have you ever heard that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime?

When someone comes into our lives for a REASON it is usually to meet a need we have. They come to assist us through a difficult time, to provide guidance or support and to aid us physically, emotionally or spiritually. They often seem like a godsend. They are there for the reason we need them to be. Then often without any wrong doing on our part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away or act up and force us to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled and their work is done, it’s time to move on.

This person is no longer able to provide YOU with any kind of relationship; it may have nothing at all to do with you or your ability to remain friends with them and may have everything to do with THEM and their un-ability with relationships.

I think the same with your friend, she is going through a lot with receiving bad news about her father and returning your phone calls may not be at the top of her list today.

Because us codies have low self esteem and blame ourselves for just about everything and believe WE are the cause of someone else’s bad day or mood, we don’t even realize how selfish that is. We play the victim but rarely see our own part. I’m not conceded or blatantly demand attention because I think I am all that but my thinking and then my behavior becomes selfish because I do feel it’s all about me, do you understand that?

I k now you are still hurting about the lose of this relationship and like many of us hold out hope that it would change into what you desired it to be and you are now going through the grief process and all those stages.

Denial………I think you’ve gotten past this stage

Anger………you will continue to revisit anger, his ignoring you, his behaviors, etc. etc. until you have resolved this anger you feel towards him.

Bargaining…..thinking and saying things like, I will just remain your friend, I will be there for you, etc. etc. ……………..just don’t detach from me because it’s too painful so I am willing to accept any little crumb you throw my way

Depression…….life suck with them, unable to eat, sleep or stop thinking about them to the point it affects other aspects of our lives like not able to get up for work.

Acceptance……. I no longer obsess about my lose and I am able to function normally again with eating and sleeping I have resolved my anger and I am ready to accept what ever comes my way.

We can’t force ourselves to get over a lose we need to be patient and allow ourselves to feel all those emotions and work through them before we are ready to move on.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 10, 2009
10:26 am
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hi bitsy. his changing from man to woman,

September 10, 2009
10:47 am
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hi atalose. was at my councelor today, very raw, she said its the first time in 4yrs i let the real me be shown, ive cried so much i dont think il ever stop. al my life i let people do and say anything to me, i shut dowm emotionally, always said never mind its ok. i survived in my head, my heart didnt come into it, now the journey has begun from my head to my heart, and im realizing i survived life and never lived it. was so afraid of rejection i shut down. if i opened up my heart to this man i would litterly be destroyed she warned me of that. see i dont know what to be healthy is so survive the only way i know how, and the abuse this guy gave me i accepted when in first place i should have ran a mile. no excuse my own fault, i have to give up my dancing cos my councelor said il never become healthy, im turning my anger in on myself and that not ok. i need to take care of myself, i dont know how to, but il start with my emotions and feel them, i just existed in body had no spirit, im craving love, and anybit from anyone will do, im crying writeing this cos why? all my life all i wanted was for someone to love me, but no one ever could. darkeyes

September 12, 2009
11:48 am
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atalose
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dark,

I believe once we open up the can of recovery there really is no turning back. And at first it feels so overwhelming that we continue to just want to give up because it is hard but going backwards doesn’t work either nor does it make us feel like we once were.

Feeling those feelings we’ve buried for most of our lives can feel like being put in the middle of the ocean without a boat or life preserver and told to just swim to the shore. So we begin to swim and amazingly life preservers do begin to appear, support groups, therapy, posting here (when you feel comfortable enough to) and (trust enough to) and then when we become stronger a boat seems to appear when we have the strength to row. Soon we see that shore line and know it’s achievable.

Putting dancing aside for now (not ever) may be a good thing for you. Give yourself a season or two to grow and maybe come spring you’ll be back to dancing.

I had a similar experience with an ex bf who also volunteered at a place where I did. I needed to put my volunteerism on a shelf for awhile until I became stronger. When I felt stronger and able to control my emotions regarding him I went back, discovered he was no longer there and life went on.

Learning about “red flags” with people also helped me make better choices in who I embraced in my life and who I keep at arms length.

Learning what is “healthy” and what is NOT also helped me. It helped me recognize un-healthy traits in myself as well as in others.

We all crave love, acceptance and attention to one degree or another. We all deserve love and acceptance in our lives, our job is to learn we deserve far more then just “bits”.

I see how much you are growing and at times WE ALL have growing pains. Anger is also a part of growing and naturally WE turn that anger inwards.

I think you hit the nail on the head with “I’ll start with my emotions and feel them” we need to feel them and stop ourselves from habits that have prevented us from that in the past.

I truly can see you have a drive and a strong will to want to work through all of it, be patient with yourself and know that you are a strong woman other wise you wouldn’t even be on this journey.

And just a little piece of advice when posting here and reading other posts it’s something we say in al-anon:

We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special
way.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 12, 2009
12:12 pm
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hi atalose, thank you, im still very weepy, not like me at all, maybe that was a big part of my problem. shutting it all in.. reading other treads i got some insight, but one shook me, i know we are'nt perfect, but you can feel kindness and warmth in what people try and say to you even if you dont like it,. yes i do love ye al in a special way...dancing i love and hate giving up and that im still fighting.... this other guy said that by me textin him i was putting more distance between us.. see if it was up to me id just leave it all behind, chat away when we met and move on in it, not him/her.. he/she has to have control even though i know what i know.. i cant live through him/her anymore, im being drained of my life. i understand now i was always on the outside of my life and never in it..."sure it doesnt matter" i had ingraved in my head and that hurts.. i took 20 driving lessons can drive, but couldnt understand why i wasnt on the road realised with my councelor,that if someone in the car said something i would just retreat more within, and give up on me.... i really dont know where i am today just very vulnerable.... hugs atalose.......... darkeyes

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