Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
will i ever learn
September 1, 2009
7:16 am
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

got a text from other guy, about a meeting to do with dancing, answered him, had a question for him on a personal level, didnt get a reply back. my thinking if he can text me about meeting why not answer me when i ask him something, i feel so stupid again today, i know when we meet tonight, he l ignore me again coz i asked him question, why do i keep hopeing we can be ok? im beating myself up even writing this, how much more do i need to do to destroy myself?? darkeyes

September 1, 2009
8:43 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

darkeyes,

It’s a process and often beating our selves up in that process is how and hopefully we do learn.

I’m curious what question did you have for him?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 1, 2009
9:24 am
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

atalose, question i asked him, he said he was leaving dancing soon to move on in his life, he said this to me when we had major arguement, so i asked him did he mean it, hes backtracked on a lot of things he said to me at that time, like he wouldnt go to anymore socials coz he didnt want to see me or me him, i said this to him, that it wasnt a nice thing to feel, and he turned up at last social, he totally ignored me, at it, il never learn, il see him tonight at meeting so i know now he l ignore me coz he always do, and i just srart giving out to myself,why do i even care what he does?

September 1, 2009
10:19 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You care what he does/what he says and who he says it to because you are strongly emotionally attached to him. And until you can UN-attach those emotional tentacles from him you will continue to be consumed BY HIM.

Not to be judgmental here but looking back, did you kind of stalk him? His strong behavior resembles someone who couldn’t get someone else to leave them alone.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 1, 2009
11:39 am
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yes thats what he saw me doing, he asked me not to text him, that he wasnt interested in me, that he didnt want anything to do with situation, i didnt respect his wishes so thats why he wouldnt speak to me in person and by text he only ever replyed to defend himself against anything i said, said only ever how i was feeling to him never said a harsh word to him, he always said what he felt towards me big time nearly killed me everytime in what he said, this all led me to choose kill myself or live and find out why i left anyone treat me like that, what was wrong with me, and why couldnt i stay away. i dont know why when it dies down and we move on he comes back again, circle begins again, he text me again today i didnt reply, i always told him i was wrong in texting him buy i had no other way to communicate with him, he at any time in 4yrs could have changed things, by just talking to me in person, he felt it was ok to speak with me in text. been in alot of places away together with dancing but he would never speak to me, and i kept asking why if he can speak to me in text why not in person. anything i ever asked in text he would do it for me without question, i dont know anymore, i never went near his space in company but he wouldnt think twise in coming into mine even sit in chair alongside me and turn his back to me, ive beat myself up over this so many times im sick of it all. nothing makes sence to me anymore, i dont understand it so how can i expect anyone else, thanks for listening. darkeyes

September 1, 2009
12:07 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What is he texting you about today?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 1, 2009
12:40 pm
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

stuff to do with dancing, he never used to do that before, he always shut me out, even tonight i know he wont reconize me, even though he textd me,

September 1, 2009
12:53 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

And you are going to put on your big girl panties and ram a steel bar up your backbone and DEAL with it. Do NO give him the satisfaction of snubbing you. You will be the belle of the ball. These are YOUR friends and you will mix and mingle and talk and dance. You may be dying inside but you will NOT show it.

From now on do not acknowledge his existance. Do not respond to texts. Do not try to get any attention from him.

How did this all start anyway?

{{{darkeyes}}}}} I gave you the advice I would give myself if I had my act together. I have been reading What Would Jackie Do? She knew Jack and Onassis were cheating on her. She held her head high and acted like a lady (in public). Once she flew to Paris and made Onassis take her to the same restaurant and sit in the same booth where he had taken his mistress. It brought him to tow and greatly disturbed his mistress. So ask yourself What Would Jackie Do in my situation?

Bitsy

September 1, 2009
1:08 pm
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

BITSY. how it started was my H told me he didnt want to be married anymore, hung in there, still hanging in there, knew this guy for ages i didnt look at him in that way, then out of no where i fell totally in love with this guy, didnt think i was good enough to tell him in person told him in text, it nearly killed me, cos i ve been married 25yrs at that time never looking at another guy in all that time, i think i lost my sanity somewhere cos if someone said to me this would have happened i have laughted and said right!!. i dont understand it, never will i dont think. i was 16 getting married and never have been with another guy other than my husband, and now i know i never will however it turns out with my H, going dancing soon so will let you know how il get on. makes no sence to me so i cant expect it to others. thanks bitsy

September 1, 2009
1:11 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

darkeyes,

Not to be harsh but I think you are trying to read way too much into everything. We often do that to justify that someone cares or did care about us.

Didn’t you say his text had to do with a meeting about dancing. This to me sounds like business, period. And you are reading into it that since he in the near past shut you out, that this means something more then exactly what it is……business from a person who seems to be trying to act in a professional manor by including you in this regarding dancing.

And just because he made professional contact with you doesn’t mean he is lowering HIS boundaries he’s obviously set with you. So if he ignores you he’s sticking to his boundaries, period and the text message has nothing to do with anything other then the business of dancing.

Where is your relationship with your husband these days. You seem so consumed with this guy who seems to have paid some attention to you via text but never in a personal warm in person way.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 1, 2009
1:23 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

darkeyes, as hard as it is to admit it there is no relationship here and there never was. Believe me I look back on my "relationship" with R and wonder if he ever loved me. Probably not. I don't mean to be harsh either but if you have been married for 25 years and got married at 16 you are my age and I am soooo hoping that at sometime in the future there will be someone although I am resigned to "not now".

Bitsy

September 1, 2009
1:24 pm
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

atalose trying so hard with my husband, i give 120% my husband has gone back to doing what he always does, be who he is, ive tried talking he listens for 4 or 5 wks changes thing for awhile then goes back to old ways. yes this guy is been polite by texting me about dancing, see i just want it to all go away, for it never to have happened. yes he put up boundaries have to respect them and move on, i wont bother him again, dont know how il do it but i will, think i might run away, maybe then i might get some peace. theres a reason for everything i believe that, ive been on this journey so long now it feels wil i ever get the lesson, thanks atalose

September 1, 2009
1:34 pm
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

bitsy, atalose, no there was never any relationship here only ever by text, so how could it ever been real, as he said i was nobody at the end of a phone, i realize now what he told me meant nothing, cos i didnt exist for him and never will. it just proves to me more now how i see myself, worthless, invisibile, it just what i feel, 10 steps foward 12 back, will get through tonight, new day tomorrow new beginning again, im struggling again, darkeyes

September 1, 2009
1:40 pm
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

heading out now, its 6 30 here,in evening, i have alot to think about again, thank you both so much really appreciate yer advise, maybe im not mad after all just stupid, darkeyes

September 1, 2009
1:40 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

darkeys, someone has suggested Celebrate Recovery to me. I think I am going to give it a try. Google them, go to their website and find a meeting near you. Lucky for me there is one right around the corner from my house. I had not been able to find a coda meeting. Try it. you are worth more than you give yourself credit for. Remeber? What would Jackie do???????

Bitsy

September 1, 2009
2:27 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

darkeyes,

I see you taking 10 steps forward but I certainly DO NOT see you taking 12 steps back. All the progress we’ve made doesn’t get erased by some dumb undeserving feelings we begin to have. It’s at that time we need to hold firm on our 10 steps forward and say I’ll be dammed if I am going backwards.

Feelings are not facts, they don’t define who you are or where you wanna be in life. I think you are beginning to accept that this relationship was not what you had hoped it was or dreamed it could have been. So your feelings are hurt and we tend to turn that all inward against ourselves.

When we know better we do better. If there is a next time you will do better in knowing what is genuine and what is fantasy land when it comes to men. Anything that is ALL done via email or text is not genuine and it’s not love. Actions mean everything and words are just that until proven other wise from anybody anywhere anytime.

I think you were in a very unhappy place in life with your husband and this guy came along and brought happiness into your life even if it was just text messages. You fell in love with that happiness you were feeling, you fell in love with the man sending you that happiness via text messages. Sounds like he was operating from one place in life and you were receiving while in another place in life. He was out for fun and fantasy and you were out for true romance and deep passionate love.

I often wished there was an etch o sketch in life to just shake it all away and start over but there is not. But as you said tomorrow is a new day and every new day is a new beginning.

Once you begin to change your attitude about yourself this whole entire situation will change for you and it will have it’s place in your past where it belongs instead of interfering with your today’s.

And no you are not crazy you are among some of the stupidest woman there WAS when it came to relationships and love. Welcome to the club!!!! LOL

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 2, 2009
8:56 am
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi, went dancing and meeting last night, took advise on board, went and did my own thing, was expecting to be ignored by other guy big time, but he made a point in walking towards me and smiled at me and was watching me most of the night. this coming from a guy who dont want anything to do with me, im not crazy, he actually dont know what he wants, not my problem anymore, he said horrible things to me, said we could never be friends or ok and now again trying to pull me in. not going to work this time, 10 steps forward again, never going back there again. yes i was stupid in all this but i know now i was getting all mixed signals from this guy, will never understand that. one thing i have learned when your in situation, theres nothing or no one that could say anything you want to hear, but by god should we listen and save ourselfs so much pain and hurt. i still have feelings for this guy, but in time theyl die off, i only want someone in my life who can treat me the way i deserve.. my H wiil also now have to shape up or ship out, darkeyes.

September 2, 2009
11:31 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Instead of focusing on things like, the guy walked towards you, the guy smiled, you assumed he was watching you, and some how you’ve convinced yourself that those things mean he is trying to pull you back in, I have a different take on what you describe and it’s something like this. You are still so emotionally attached to this guy that YOU cant let go and YOU want to be sucked back in so that is why you are reading things into HIS actions so you can stay hooked. Time to cut yourself off of that hook.

Why don’t you begin with what you said {I only want someone in my life who can treat me the way I deserve}

Let’s start putting that focus on you, so, can you tell me what you feel you deserve from a partner in life?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 2, 2009
12:18 pm
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi atalose, cut that hook today, see thats what used drive me crazy, hed say one thing in words and another in actions, my friends commented on his smile last night, and early today, he textd cos we re going away this wknd, that "hed put everything aside for weekend, and that all will have good time". see another time id grap that and hang on for dear life, not today told him, textin for me was fantasy land and nothing will ever compare talking with someone face to face, if that was to be between us great if not that was ok to, im moving on.. see now i only want love in my life, to be treated as a equal, with consideration and respect i deserve that much, i had a good think on what you and bitsy said to me. 10 steps forward and staying there.. i love this guy, i love my husband, but it was always on there terms and at my misery and expence, i need to start learning to love me more. i want to be healty. not saying it will be easy but by god im going to try my best. and if im stuggling il ask for help here cos thats brought me to this understanding. every day a new beginning, i dont want to hurt no more, all this could go out the window at wknd but il start again cos i know what is right and what is wrong now and can only ever be what i choose. thanks atalose your the best (((hugs))) darkeyes

September 2, 2009
12:46 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If you felt the need to text him back today in order to gain your control over this then you did what you felt you needed to do.

Don’t go into this weekend with that thinking “it could all go out the window” that kind of talk is putting YOUR power and control into someone else’s hands and YOU already know where that leads YOU, and that’s what YOU are trying to stop doing.

Do go into this weekend telling yourself that you are going to have a good time with NO EXPECTATIONS about him, from him or his actions.

I’d think long and hard before even going as to where your thoughts are with this is this weekend about YOU and YOU deserving to have a good time and enjoy yourself or are YOU going to continue to make it about him? If it’s about him you might as well sit at home with your misery then deal with it next week.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 2, 2009
12:50 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Good for you darkeyes. The only thing I would change is I wouldn't have responded to the text.

It is easier to see once you are removed from the situation. I made a mistake with an ex boss and had a brief sexual thing with him because I was at such a low point in my life that I wanted to feel wanted by somebody even if I knew it was wrong. The last time I had sex with him I ended up crying and pretending he was someone else. How embarrassing is that? The other morning 1:30 am my phone rang. Guess who. I looked at it. Let it ring out and went back to sleep. I did not answer. Eventually you will be there.

Bitsy

September 2, 2009
1:10 pm
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i needed to text him back. i didnt get a reply. im just aware now that it could all go out the window, so that i can stop this beating up of myself if it does and know that i can start over again. i never expect anything from him only ever hated the ignoreing me bit god that used to distroy me. see i find it hard to not make it about him or anyone else, cos thats what im used to doing, every where i went i was miserable, if im upsetting anyone now i dont really care anymore. its a hard journey im still falling into the traps but im realizing there there now. ive come along way in a few wks and im proud of that. so il give wknd a go, see how it goes. i want to enjoy and have fun for me. im learning!!

September 2, 2009
1:21 pm
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

bitsy i always texted him what i thought he wanted to hear, he used let me have it never minced his words, and it used kill me, so by me texting him back what i said kinda changed me saying things to please him. small step for me but i took it!!! look we all make stupid mistakes so what if you had a fling put it down to experience. take the good out of it and let the rest behind.everyone deserves love and that feeling that your wanted and needed, i crave it sometimes even my H dont have it for me. good on you that you left ph ring, 11 steps forward well done!!

September 2, 2009
1:27 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Do whatever works to take care of you. As I often say Loving thy neighbor as thyself starts with loving yourself first.

Bitsy

September 2, 2009
1:49 pm
Avatar
darkeyes
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks bitsy. role on wkend first time in yrs im actually looking forward to going away, taking care of myself first now, the universe is smiling at me today:) its like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. im actually doing something for me!!!. (((hugs)))will let you know how it all went.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714214
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer