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Will I ever heal???????
March 18, 2005
1:59 pm
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Hey everyone,

Thanks

I am up and down like the proverbial yo-yo. Good days, bad days. Each time I think I have dealt with the loss of love, the pain just keeps on coming back. Sometimes I truly believe I have everything in perspective, and then.. bamm... I'm back in a terrible place, and it feels so wrong to be without him. I miss his eyes, his smile, his voice, his laugh, his EVERYTHING. I will NEVER love like that again.

How can anyone get through life without love??????????

March 18, 2005
2:09 pm
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You can't get through without love, at least not happily, but when you don't have a romantic love you look at the other ares of love that you have, friends, family, and yourself.

It is hard to not have someone wnat and love you, but I also think that once you are okay with not having to be loved, it helps you to be healthier.

March 18, 2005
2:17 pm
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You say you will never feel love like that again? How do you know that? I use to say that about my ex. I felt that way for two long years while dating other guys that just couldn't compete with him. Then out of the blue and unexpected I met someone else who brought those feeling out of me again and it felt just as good if not better. It might take time but you will love again.

March 18, 2005
2:24 pm
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Aces

I know what you say is right, and thanks for that! I have actually been neglecting everyone else, in lieu of this guy, even AFTER the break-up. I may be there in person - having a coffee with a friend, taking my kids to school, talking to my mum on the phone - but my soul is somewhere else, lost and screaming.

If i could just learn how to feel non romantic love again, like you said, then maybe I will heal..

Thanks : )

~love charlie~

March 18, 2005
2:26 pm
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hey charlie,

Healing from loss takes time, as Big Heart said. Give yourself at least a year because you have to pass all of those anniversary markers (his birthday, your birthday, Christmas, etc.).

You might think I'm crazy for saying this, but the hurt you feel is a good thing because it shows that you've allowed yourself to get close to someone. There are those who seem to be able to move from person to person with no pain and I wonder if they have the ability to love anyone at all.

Hang in there, you will get thru this and grow from it all.

Hugs,
CM

March 18, 2005
2:29 pm
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I think thats part of the problem. Everyone is so diffrent and it takes people diffrent amounts of time to heal. It doesn't happen overnight and you need to know that its ok to feel the way that you do. Its also very normal. Losing someone is hard, its ending a part of your life in a sense. You are having to let go of memories, hope's and dream the two of you had. Its one of the most difficult things in life to do. Take it day by day.

March 18, 2005
2:36 pm
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Big heart

I am glad you found love again (and even better too!!!) - it is inspiring.

I just can't believe that this guy doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. What makes this the most difficult for me, is the fact that I am married, although we were making plans to separate last year ( my husband also cheated on me). It's all so bleak. To lose the love of my life, with no chance of being able to get over my ex by moving on to someone new, like he did. (he just broke up with her though-which makes me feel a bit better about myself, because I had this idea that she was going to be 'the one' for him, when all along he had told me that I was. WHY DID I LET HIM GO??

When you met the new guy, did it heal you of the feelings of loss of love of the first guy??

~love charlie~

March 18, 2005
2:48 pm
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CM

Thanks for your kind words. Actually his birthday is not too far away!!- and I will be wondering what he's up to and who he's with. I will also be remembering last year..and imagining what it would have been like this year, if it hadn't ended.

I like what you said, about the hurting being a sign of allowing myself to get close to someone. I think that may be true in this case. Although I have been close to alot of guys, and not felt the same way. I think the full force of it all just blew me away.

Hugs 2U2!!

~love charlie~

March 18, 2005
2:59 pm
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Ok let me break it down for you here. I might not be the best example because I have a boyfriend and Im dating some one as well. But Im still looking for exactly what I want and I won't settel. Im trying to break it off with the boyfriend but I feel guilty. Thats another story though..

The man that "broke me", had me under some spell or atleast it seemed. I Couldn't move on for couple years. I read books, went to counseling,dated ect ect.. Then I just met " the one" and I don't mean "the one" for life or even the one I may marry necessarily but he sparked those feelings that no one else could ignite except for the "ex" so that help me move on. But thats the thing. People tell you to get out there and date, move on ect. Well thats hard to do if your dating someone thats less than what you had. It can make you feel worse. I feel that there are a few people in the world that you meet that you have a special kind of connection. The chemistry just flows between the two of you and that is so hard to find and even harder to replace. So we convince ourselves that this person is " the one". When in all actuality we just found someone that we clicked with.

If you found someone that Ignited those feelings in you that had a few more qualities to offer then your ex do you still think you would want him back?

Let me ask you a question as I see your married. Did you marry your husband because you had those strong feelings for him at one time or did you marry him because it was safe and you knew he loved you? Im asking because the "boyfriend" that I have is my safety and we could probibly have a good life togeather. But the other man Im seeing... well its za za zoom! I cant stop thinking about!

March 18, 2005
3:25 pm
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It's so sad that we rely on others to make us feel safe or secure. When i'm in a relationship and i rely on that person to do that for me, usually it ends up ugly because that person will resent the fact i put that pressure on them and run for the hills. Kinda funny, was talking to a friend this morning about recovering from codependency, how in the past, i would want to be with the woman with the most baggage, and generally that type of woman wanted me to take her baggage. Funny thing is, on this journey called life, i would drop my baggage because i couldn't carry hers and mine both. When the relationship would end, i would have to backtrack, and in the process get worn out, exhausted, tired and overwhelmed trying to go back and pick up my baggage and deal with it. Now i'm learning to unpack my bags and put them in order, and the person i want to be with will be handling their own baggage too. Having said all that, guess the point is if your not comfortable with your own self and looking for someone else to complete you, it's not going to work. Your "self" didn't go anywhere and it just makes matters worse when you neglect your self for the needs of another person. When you take care of your self, theres more of you to give to another person, so take care of yourselves, and i'll take care of me:)

March 18, 2005
3:33 pm
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Big heart

Thanks for explaining! You've sort of hit on the biggest factor in my life, which has affected everything since.
I did marry my husband at a time when I wasn't thinking clearly. My father had just died, and I was experiencing panic attacks.

I am English and he is American. I met him over there, and felt safe around him, but I have never been physically attracted to him, and I was not in love with him. I was young and I should not have got married. I knew he loved me and it all just happened almost as if I wasn't there.

I remember talking to a friend I hadn't seen for ages, the night nefore the wedding, and she said "so this is it-he's the one, what's it like??" And I replied " it's okay" (because inside I knew he was definitely not the one) "Just okay?" she asked, shocked and after that she didn't say a word. I wish she had.

We talked about separating last year. I told my husband about the affair, because I could not hide the pain and so I had to explain everything. He still wanted to work things out, but I kept pushing him further and further away, because he represented the complete opposite of this other guy. You're right about the chemistry. It is either there or it's not.

With my husband it's not the same. We are basically friends, not lovers. I have told him to leave me if he wants to find someone new, since I am emotionally unavailable to him, but he wants to be with me. I think he loves me, but he has never been 'in love' with anyone so much that it hurts. He is almost void of real emotion. Whereas the other guy..

I could go on and on about him!!!!!!

I think it's made harder by the fact that this guy seems to have moved on so well. It's like our love never happened. Did it??? I still cling to it..

You sound like you still have the chance to make the right decision....I know what I would choose.... if I could do it all over again..

~love charlie~

March 18, 2005
3:43 pm
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suckernomore

Good point. I have always looked after myself and carried my own baggage. I wasn't expecting this guy to do any of that. It wasn't about difficulties in our relationship, it was about love. I felt the kind of love where, to quote a Hitchcock movie "Something has happened to us...It was like lightning striking. It strikes rarely." And now it's gone. I still have my 'self', though it's just my 'self' in mourning..and I still have my own luggage rack

~charlie~

March 18, 2005
3:57 pm
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Charlie, that's cool:) hang onto your luggage rack and things will get better with time. I'd be lying if i didn't think about my ex-fiance daily and we've been broken up for 3 years. She's still using and still alive, though on the streets and i'll love her till the day i die, always holding onto the small glimmer of hope that one day she'll be better and we could grow old and gray together sitting in our recliners, staring at the sunset over the river. She was "the other me" and the closest person i've ever had that could be truly called a "soulmate". Alcoholism took her away from me and i almost ended up dead from it's effects on both our lives, but by the grace of God, i'm here and much stronger than i've ever been. As they say, "this too shall pass" and if you believe in a higher power, that Power will have something better for yah than you could ever imagine currently. :):):)

March 18, 2005
4:14 pm
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suckernomore

I'm sorry to hear about your ex-fiance and the effects of her alcoholism. You sound philosophical about it, which is always a good thing, and you are alot more positive than I can be right now. (I am working on that though!) I just wanted to have it all I guess. I just have to try and make the most of my life, without romantic love in it. All I have are the memories, the thoughts... Maybe that's all we ever have left-thoughts.

~love charlie~

March 18, 2005
4:18 pm
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More philosopy for yah, wrapped up in my usual triteness:) hehe,

Better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all. Your a good person, charlie.

((((((hugs))))))

March 18, 2005
4:23 pm
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Yeah, yeah........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

((((((hugs back at you!!!!!))))))

March 18, 2005
4:25 pm
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Maybe Im selfish ... but you only live once. You don't have any children and you married a man for the wrong reasons. Why should you have to stay if your heart isn't in it? Did you and your husband have children togeather? If so then I understand staying but if not what is keeping you with him?

March 18, 2005
4:34 pm
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Big heart

Yes we have children, they are primary school age. I would only have left my husband for the other guy. I don't want to tear up the 'family' for something I can no longer have. So I am here, in limbo.

I agree with you about only living once, which is why I would have sacrificed seeing my kids every day for the love of this guy. I would have been torn over that too, but that would have been a bridge to cross..
I actually lost a friend over this, because she thought I was utterly insane and did not care about anyone else but myself. She could not have been further from the truth..

~love charlie~

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