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Will an abuser generally try to return?
January 6, 2006
4:42 pm
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LotusTampa
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Obviously, I know I need to take one moment at a time, but I also want to emotionally prepare myself.

Does anyone know this:

If the abuser ended the relationship because he "couldn't handle it" and then say he "wants to remain friends", and I've denied the friendship, will they generally try to return to the relationship?

I DO NOT want to set myself for pure heartache...I just don't know the patterns of these people because I've usually discarded emotionally abusive people...I just got a little derailed this time.

Thanks for any feedback.

January 6, 2006
4:50 pm
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kasie919
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he will hurt you over and over again.

Please keep your distance..

I have been in 3 abusive marriages and 2 of them i had a very hard time getting out of because of the "im sorry, i wont do it again'i wont hurt you, and lets be friends...

Just kills me!!!!

again and again and again........

i am trying for the last and final time to get out, and by god this time when i do i wont speak to him unless i have to...

Please dont hurt yourself any more, get a best friend, go bolwing!!

you dont need him as a friend..

Love and prayers kasie

January 6, 2006
5:46 pm
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exoticflower
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By and large, YES, the abuser may not really want the friendship or the relationship, but still need to be in control, still need to keep you "down" in order to feel comparitively above you or superior. THat is the very reason an abuser needs you to feel bad about yourself to beigin with--if you are bad, they in contrast are good, and they need that. I hope that makes sense--my therapist explains it better. At any rate, it's not about love or caring, it's about control and feeling in charge for an abuser, hands down their first priority.

Also, I've found that any time soneone wants to start healing or aknowleging poor treatment and overcoming it, others willnot want that--it shakes the dysfunctional foundation that everything else is built on and blows it all out of the water! Once you start aknowleging the truth for yourself and not submissing or covering things up, it messes with your abusers mind games ability to work (you have to trust them and doubt yourself for that), and they have to look at things with the light on once you hit the switch. And so many people contribute in dysfunctional settups--the friend that doesn't say anything or blames the victim, the parent that takes on the martyr role, the victim themselves lashing out at others and reaction outside of the relationship to the abuse within it--all of these things are going to shift if someone, just one person stops playing THEIR contributing role in it. People are going to tend to keep that dysfunctional foundation in tact, and to fight any change that may in any way shake their denial or their own little world of comfortable unreality.

January 6, 2006
6:17 pm
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on my way
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I think people change if they want too. Many questions would have to be asked, as for ex...did he go to therapy, and why does he think he would be a good friend? SOME people do change.

January 6, 2006
8:27 pm
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exoticflower
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That is true, but not overnight. None of us can just go to bed knowing soemthing about us needs work and wake up in the morning brand new (though don't I wish it wherere so easy!) I think that you have to think of yourself first here and see that it is an emotionally safe situation for you- as omw says, what steps is he taking? What effort is he truly making? It doesn't sound like he was a good friend to you when you where together, I would be cautious until you see some willingness and effort on his end.

Also, you should concider that you have been hurt and are probablyu still pretty angry and vulnerable right now, which can be easy buttons to push to turn things around against later since you are dealing with an abuser or since you have felt emotionally messed with by him in the past in this way. You want to make sure that you are feeling good about yourself first, you deserve that!

January 6, 2006
9:13 pm
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LotusTampa
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Thanks for the feedback.

My mom came over tonight and helped me take down my Christmas tree. I've not had the energy to do ANYTHING for six months--at least not around my house. Of course, I had ALL kinds of energy to do things at HIS house--cook, clean up, laundry--all approval seeking behavior. Of course I didn't get it.

In any event, my mom and I talked about this extensively (poor woman--I'm sure she was so OVER hearing me discuss the abuser).

She was so supportive and confirmed so much of what I was saying. I had the opportunity to openly share with her about all of the things he would say and do to me. I needed to hear whether or not I was feeling things that didn't exist or if the comments/actions were really abusive. I became SO confused.

She confirmed almost everything as control/abuse.

I keep asking myself why I miss this toxic person who took advantage of my kindness and my honesty and openness. Why do we do this to ourselves?!

January 6, 2006
9:26 pm
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exoticflower
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I ask my best friend that all the time, and her answer is "because you're human. You love and want to be loved."

I know it sounds vuege, but for soem reason it brings me a lot of comfort when she says it, so I thought I would pass it along.

Of course, when I ask my sister she says "I don't think you like yourself very much, exotic, and you think it's gonna be easier to be with someone that encourages that dislike than it is with someone who may CHANGE a mindset you are used to". Not as much comfort there, but for me definatly a lot of truth, anyway!

January 6, 2006
9:40 pm
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LotusTampa
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Hey exotic.

Oh, I truly believe we project what we feel internally; i.e., "I'm not worthy of love, therefore I'll act out in ways that proves my belief system."

It's all crazy stuff.

Sometimes I think we are the ones that make are own "crazy".

Anyway, I do not want him to call me, because I'm afraid I'll be weak and actually believe the BS he is telling me...but at the same time I do want him to call (my fantasy).

Oh, it's all so twisted.

I'm also so angry with myself for not having run a long time ago--he clearly never met my expectations, but, of course, I wanted to rescue him...from what...I dunno. I guess I was judging him as having a crappy life--how crappy is that of ME?

Regardless of all of that, it is so hard to let go of someone we think we loved so much.

January 6, 2006
10:58 pm
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whidbey
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LotusTampa,

I just got my book, The Betrayal Bond, which someone (sorry, still new enough not to be able to remember a lot of folks here) recommended the other day. Holy cow! If you want to know why you choose men the way you do, GET THIS BOOK! I can't recommend it enough, so far. I'm halfway through it. I've been reading and doing the journaling and exercises for the past three hours. I'm pretty bleary-eyed, but becoming very enlightened. It's way more than "you are human and want to be loved." This book gets you to look back into your life to see what produced the scars and damage in the first place. I knew what had, in my case, but have had to look at HOW it has affected my life and why. Fantastic recommendation....

February 3, 2006
10:52 am
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Liamo
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Hi Lotus and Whidbey

Sometimes I get confused about my ex. In so far as he doesn't contact me now, in fact I text him a couple of times before Christmas and he did'nt answer. I know I was very abusive to him when I found out he was with his landlady, and how demeaned I felt.He started alot of bullshit about me abusing those close to him and accused me of stalking him. I was told to leave "those around him alone" I was only texting him and no one else so I did not get what he meant???
But I must keep it clear in my head that I was not dealing with a normal rational person here, but its like the alcoholic can abstain from drinking for weeks and you doubt that he has a problem and are you imagining it.
I was sending a text to my Son one day and I sent it to my ex by mistake, he didn't answer and I was a bit spooked for a couple of days.Its funny really cos I realised there wasn't a bunny rabbit for a 100 mile radius in the area where he lives. I guess with him it was more of the "DRAMA" that he thrived on.It was all bloody drama.I guess he is too busy bleeding the new one dry to be bothered with me now.
But if he ever does get back in touch. I will be ready for him!!!

February 7, 2006
7:58 am
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Liamo
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February 7, 2006
9:00 am
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LostLilly
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Liamo - I'm not nearly as experienced as some on this thread, but an abuser will often find a new person to abuse. That can test our detachement strength, but in the long run can save your sanity as well.

Stay strong!

February 7, 2006
9:11 am
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mamacinnamon
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In my opinion the abuser will move on to the next victim, but may not necessarily let go of you. He may try to keep causing you trouble too. That's when you tell him to go pick on his newest toy (sad to say).

February 7, 2006
10:20 am
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revelation
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Hi Liamo!

Weather is brutal today isn't it!

You said "But I must keep it clear in my head that I was not dealing with a normal rational person here"

This is the bit where I have difficulty to. I to am not dealing with a rational normal person. I am dealing with someone who will lie and lie and lie in order to get himself out of being blamed for anything. That cannot be normal. Its very frustrating dealing with someone like that...but you do have to keep on telling yourself keeping it clear within yourself that HE is the one who is not being rational not you. Other than that, I couldn't give anymore advice, I am going through the mill myself at the moment, I am wound up to 90....probably obsessed, but I am by know means a stalker, and neither are you.

February 7, 2006
2:33 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi Liamo,

Will an abuser generally return? Well, what type of abuse did you have in mind?

Hi, my name is N_ _ _ _, I'm an emotional abuser.

I'm learning there are SO many forms of abuse and SO many degrees of abusive behaviors...that most people could easily be considered "abusers."

About your question, I have one substantial relationship under my belt (for 6 years we more or less abused each other). I would never dream of returning.

My ex-Mike-would say that he wants his family back, but historically there is major inconsistency between his words and actions.

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