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will adult son ever grow up and can i let go
January 23, 2005
2:51 pm
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sunshine forever
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help! i need someone to talk to. i have allowed my adult(30)son to be dependent on me. i thought growing up i taught him all the proper survival skills, but have failed.
he is content living day to day, not working as my husband and i provide a roof and food for him. i have just told him he has 2 weeks to find a job and then his is out of the house. my heart is breaking. have i done the right thing?

January 23, 2005
3:23 pm
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eve
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Yes, I think you are doing the right thing, even if it doesn't feel comfortable. I'm sure that he will be ok.

January 23, 2005
4:18 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Sunshine,

I think yes you have done the right thing. Being a parent isn't a fun job and yes, it does hurt at times. But if you don't force him to grow up you will have a totally disfunctional adult to care for.

I know this coz my mom has catered to my sis her whole life coz she had epilepsy as a child. She's been perfectly well since she was 21 after a brain surgery, but mom won't let her be her own person. So, my sis went and had invetro and now has twin boys. No dad. Dad sent me to Chicago to move her home coz she wasn't dealing well w/ premies. So for the last 5 years, I have pretty much raised her kids. Mom still caters to her. She lives way out of her means and mom keeps giving her money. She has the boys in daycare 2 days a week, preschool 3 days a week and I watch them while she works weekends only. Oh and then I get them when she has anywhere else to go. She's home 5 days a week and doesn't clean her house, etc. etc. I could go on for pages, but I will stop. Guess I have issues here too. I know I do. I do love having the boys tho.

Anyway, there is an example for you of a an adult kid that isn't made to be a responsible adult.

If you told him he has 2 weeks then do not back down. Make sure you follow thru.

May I leave you w/ a verse? Proverbs 22:5 says Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Stand on that verse. You raised him right. He may kick and shout, but he does know how to take care of himself. Maybe just needs the boot for a wake up call.

Keep posting. Glad you are here.

January 23, 2005
5:23 pm
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sunshine forever
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mama cinnimon, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. alot of what you said rings true in my case.
we always treated him with kid gloves and walked on egg shells because he has had some emotional problems in the passed. in general he is a very nice person, but he is also very manipulating. when we try to talk to him he says he doen't want to here it. or if he does something wrong he says he's sorry and he thinks that should make it okay. he does not like confrontation. he is great at telling us what he thinks we want to here. thank god i do have a very loving and caring husband, but i think he fears my son will end up on the street or in some kind of trouble, and that would break his heart. my heart is already broken. again thank you for sharing your story with me and god bless.

January 23, 2005
6:45 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Sunshine,

Sometimes we have to let our kids take a fall or suffer consequences for what they do. How will they ever learn if they don't or aren't held responsible? I know it is hard but if you love him you will stand firm and follow thru.

There is a book called Love Must Be Tough. It's at my home; I am at my sisters watching the twins. lol. Not surprised are we. It is a great book on exactly what you are going thru. When I get home tonight I will put an auther to it. I think it will give you alot of insight.

Keep your chin up.

January 23, 2005
8:24 pm
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sunshine forever
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thanks mamacinnamon, i'll be looking forward to the name of that author.
thanks again for giving me guidance at this most trying time in my life
god bless you.

January 24, 2005
8:26 am
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mamacinnamon
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Suhshine,

I am truly sorry I forgot to get back w/ you last night, but here I am this mornin.

The name and author of the book is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. He is a Christian author.

I am sure if you go down to the Library and get into the section pertaining to this you will find lots of books to pick from.

Remember stand firm and DO NOT give in. That you must do if you are going to give him responsibility and peace to yourself. Your hubby has to do the same.

Come vent here anytime.

January 25, 2005
5:25 pm
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mytimic
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Yes, you did the right thing. I also have a son whos 28, living at home, an alcoholic, working only when he's sober enuf and not making things easy at all. I have dealt with his use and abuse for too long and gave him a choice. Sober up, go to work, and be a valid part of this house and you get to stay. Dont and you get to leave. Waiting for onw week to see his answer. It's hard cuz I know that if he goes he will have no problem at all living off other people or on the street even if need be. I dont WANT that but I cant change him either so Im going thru having to accept whatever his choice is and moving on with it. Sucks when ya love um soooo much huh?

January 25, 2005
5:35 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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If he's actually doing something, that you can see daily, to at least try and find a job, I wouldn't throw him out. If he helps out with chores too, I definately wouldn't throw him out. If he's only there to watch TV, sleep, and eat, I'd ask him to leave.

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