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Will a marriage work after cheating?
September 7, 2005
2:07 pm
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confusedboopster
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My husband and I have been together for 13 1/2 yrs. When I met him I weighed about 80 lbs less, as did he. I guess after so long you kinda let yourself go and are relaxed with each other. I had been trying to diet for a couple months and had lost 17 lbs. I was standing in front of the mirror observing the indentations I could now see from losing. When I asked him, he claimed that since he saw me everyday he couldn't tell. He asked how much I was trying to lose and I said I would like to get down to about 140-150 because of my height. Thismeant losing about 40-50 lbs. He then stated, "I think you need to set yourself more realistic goals". I cried myself to sleep that night. That was it, I'd had enough. For years it was, let's do this because he wanted to, with his friends, always for him. If it wasn't for him, he enjoyed about 5 minutes of what I wanted to do and then it was a big argument. He would sit there and huff and puff until we left. We had a mutual friend that had heard the ways my husband talked to me and said that it wasn't right. Eventually, things lead on and I cheated on my husband. I was ashamed of what I did and I can't explain why I did it, but I did. My husband found out because my best friend told him. She wanted me to leave him and figured that this would be the break up point for us. I went to my mom's for a couple of days and my hubby and I talked and agreed to work this out. I went back home. 1 week later, he said he had met someone and wanted a divorce. I was devastated. I guess I deserved it, but he wanted to work through this, too. He ended up moving out. He still wanted to come over and try to be my "hubby" if you get what I mean, yet he didn't want to be my hubby anymore. This went on for about 3 months. We talked and decided to get back together. It has been almost 1 yr now. He still has days that he will call my cell and if I don't answer, he leaves me a nasty message telling me to come home and pack my s**t and get out since I'm with my boyfriend and I can't answer him. I don't know what triggers this but it has to stop or this is never going to work. PLEASE help.

September 7, 2005
2:17 pm
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Anonymous
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do you know that he WAS cheating?

he may have said it to hurt you - payback.

sounds like the trust is completely gone.

can it work? depends on how bad both of you want it. You know in your heart you wouldn't cheat again, but does he trust that? Doesn't appear he does. Does you believe he wouldn't cheat again?

counseling is the only answer - to help you learn to communicate better - to help you learn to rebuild the trust.

you may not know if you want to work this out or not and a counselor is the only one who will help you get your head on straight - with or without him, you should go - to work on you, so if you can't stay with him, you will feel better about the decision to end it.

as far as losing weight - he probably doesn't want you to lose it cuz he fears that if you look better, you will stray again - many men are scared when their wives lose weight - cuz they are insecure and don't want their wives becoming more secure or confident or attractive. many partners sabotage their partner's attempt to better themselves out of insecurity. ALSO - to give him credit - he may have been saying he doesn't want you to set yourself up for disappointment and to focus on some smaller goal - so you don't get upset and quit if you make slow progress - it can be seen in two different lights...only he knows why he said it and how he meant it.

I know I point out bodies on the beach or tv that I want to look like and he says that it's too skinny - but I won't stop trying for it - even if I can't get there - it's a goal and only I can set it or achieve it - and do it FOR ME - not him. he supports my decision to lose, but has admitted to fears of insecurity if I lose too much because his ex wife lost ALOT of weight and then left him - and this hurt him and he is trying not to carry this pain into our relationship - but it's there and it's real - he will deal with this in therapy, so it doesn't hurt us down the road when I get losing.

September 7, 2005
2:28 pm
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confusedboopster
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He did have a girlfriend. He didn't know her 1 week and brought her around our kids. Yet he had the nerve to tell me that I could bring anyone around the kids unless he met them first.

We went to counseling once. According to him, they bashed our parents and our problems have nothing to do with our parents and he refuses to go back.

It's ok for him to lose weight, but not me. It's ok to go to the deer lease with him and his buddies, but not to my friends for dinner. It's ok to have his friends over to get drunk and trash my house, but not go to a club with my friends for drinks and dancing.

I love him, don't get me wrong.

He has also stated that everything willbe done his way now since I don't know how to behave and act like an adult when put into adult situations.

Then there's the kids. 1 girl and 1 boy. The girl is expected to do everything in the house and the boy nothing. When I fuss at my son for not doing his chores, I'm told to leave him alone. When the girl doesn't do her you would think that with all the yelling that he's doing the world was coming to an end. I don't want this to negatively affect my kids in any way. I know he loves them. When I mention that he needs to let up on the girl he tell me to leave him alone and not tell him how to be a father.

September 7, 2005
2:34 pm
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kathygy
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First of all you did not deserve your husband being unfaithful to you. It was imature of him to do that just to hurt you for cheating on him. As far as your husband leaving you nasty messages, that is abuse and you don't deserve that ever, no matterwhat. I would not stand for it for one minute. It sounds like you need to build your self-esteem and realize that you deserve to be treated well and lovingly consistently. Your husband sounds imature and abusive and insensitive to yoru feelings. But you need to learn how to stand up for your self and demand to be treated with respect. I think marriage counseling is the best thing to do now. If he won't go then you go to individual therapy and work on your sense of entitlement to be treated well all of the time. Have you ever sat down with yoru husband and had open and honest communication about your feelings? It would have been better to talk to your husband about how you felt when he made a comment about you loosing weight rather then crying yourself to sleep. It sounds like you are allowing your husband to mistreat you and he does because he can get away with it. You deserve so much more.

love,
kathy

September 7, 2005
2:45 pm
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confusedboopster
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i have talked to the girlfriend he had. she was getting the story that i was trying to get him all the time and i was getting the story that he didn't want her in that way. he was telling her that he loved her and telling me that they were just friends.

everyone that i know thinks that i am a fool for trying to make us work. he has threatened that if i try to leave that he will take my kids, house, and everything. he said when we seperated he gave an attorney a retainer to hold and that it is still on file. all he has to do is call. we did file for divorce and i have called the county office and the papers are still active. we just need to set the date, but its not what i want. when we filed we had agreed to everything and turned in the final decree with the petition.

he told my best friend that he was going to hurt me like i hurt him.
he denies it.

September 7, 2005
3:03 pm
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Anonymous
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I don't know about doing the right thing for yourself - cuz you don't seem to realize that leaving is the best thing for yourself.

but I will tell you that if you don't leave this man - the damage he is going to do to your kids is going to be something you will have to live with for the rest of your life.

how can I make a statement so strong?

cuz when I was growing up, my mom attempted suicide when I was 11. She came close to dying - was in a coma for 4 days - was in the psych ward for a month and then got released.

well, I was raised with EXACTLY the same rules that your husband is enforcing in your house. My brother could do nothing, and was let off the hook for everything - in the meantime, I had to do EVERYTHING. I was responsible for not fighting with my brother, yet my brother could beat the snot out of me. Boys will be boys. I was not allowed to ANY social functions, cuz I could come home pregnant, my bro could do ANYTHING. When I got a babysitting job, and made money, my dad would give my brother the same, saying it wasn't fair that I had it and my bro didn't and that my bro couldn't get any babysitting jobs or anything (but he could mow lawns or whatever, no???) - my dad would say "he's lazy and a boy - can't expect him to perform...but you - you are resonible and I know you can do it, so hop to it"...I was expected to pull all A's and got beat if I didn't...my bro was expected to fail and got praise for making the honor roll ONCE - and that's all my dad remembers - my bro got honor roll once. My dad used to threaten me - tell me to behave or my mom will kill herself and it will be my fault this time - yet did nothing when my bro ended up a binge drinker in school - and ended up going to the institute for living for alcohol poisoning and possible suicide attempt - he simply got drunk and passed out at school. He had detentions and suspensions that ran one term into another. If I got ONE detention (for playing chess in study hall), I got my ass chewed out. If I got grounded for the same infraction as my bro, his grounding would be lifted, while mine was carried out to the minute. I had to wait until the minute I turned 16 to date, my bro had all social activities long before that. I had to buy my own car, share it with my parents and then pay the insurance, but my bro got to use my parents car, pay NO insurance and even forged the insurance check that got sent when HE crashed dad's car - then they cosigned two cars for him - he crashed the first one and had the other reposessed - my dad still cosigns for him today - and yet won't do shit for me. My bro NOW has his own company, after years of struggle and 14 felonies later - which dad bailed him out of jail for. Dad didn't lift a finger for me cuz I could manage myself - and I don't always. You get the idea.

My mom REGRETS to this day, the fact that she stood back and let my dad run the home with these rules - she thought her marriage was more important than arguing about the rules - cuz the kids would grow up and get over it - and she had to live with him until death do them part - she wanted no conflict - and realizes what it did to me and is so sorry she didn't look out for me better - these days she backs me 100% - and is trying to make up for the pain she caused and the damage this did.

I am struggling with trying to forgive my dad for all this.

and I can't begin to tell you the pain it has caused me

if you don't love yourself - love your kids and GET OUT - cuz you will beat yourself up for the rest of your life when you see what his idea of parenting is going to do to your kids.

my bro was lucky, he turned his life around - your son may not be so lucky and your daughter either.

please - for the sake of the kids - go.

September 7, 2005
3:37 pm
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confusedboopster
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If i leave, he will still get visitation and I don't want them mistreated when I am not there to help them. How do I fix that?

When the kids act up, he tells me that they do it because of my leaving and cheating on him. It's all my fault that they disrespect him on occassion, as do 99% of kids. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells.

September 7, 2005
3:53 pm
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Anonymous
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that's where counseling for the kids comes into play - and a good lawyer and a lawyer appointed as guardians for your kids - all this can be done thru legal aid if you can't afford it.

kids usually get their own court appointed attorney to handle these type of things.

a counselor is going to be needed for yourself and your kids - they need someone to talk to - and someone they can discuss openly with - a third party, objective - who isn't mom and dad trying to push/pull them between eachother.

they don't act up cuz of you, they act up cuz they are scared - cuz they are kids - cuz they are insecure - cuz they are kids - kids will act up.

they are probably old enough to realize that he is being unfair and abusive and their disrespect comes from that - not cuz you make them disrespectful.

he doesn't have to have visitation if he can be proven to be unfit or a potential problem for the kids - only a full evaluation by a professional can help your case there.

how old are your kids? in many cases, kids have a right to ask to live with the parents and state their feelings about visitation schedules - they can tell the judge why they want to live with you, why they don't want to be with dad and what dad does to hurt them - but it has to be in THEIR words and can't be coached. If the judge finds it in their best interest, visitation can be ordered to be supervised or such - or while under the supervision of a counselor - they can order him to go to parenting classes.

the law is on your side - trust it and take care of you and your kids.

you can't protect them if you stay in the marriage - that's faulty logic...he will mistreat them AND YOU no matter where you are and where you live. Creating a healthy environment AWAY from him will go a LONG way in counteracting any damage he may or could do.

seven days of positive parenting with a loving healthy parent can totally balance one day with the "other" parent - until they are old enough to say "no" to visitation and the courts honor it.

if you go this route - do the smart thing - document all the abuse, all the situations that are hurtful, all the stories your kids tell you, all the phone calls, the emails, you name it - keep records RIGHT from DAY ONE - because if his emotional stability or parenting ability comes into question, you will have documentation. And have the kids keep journals - their own private thoughts, so when they go to therapy and court, then can share and use it to remember things - sometimes when they get in front of authority, they blank out - or back out of speaking ill of a parent - the journals can help them share their feelings and remember specifics when their minds go blank.

you can do this - there is help out there and there are resources to help you cope and manage.

September 7, 2005
4:25 pm
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evi
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If I may....I have been married for 14 years and my husband recently dropped the big bomb on me. He had an affair. long story...but I know exactly what you going through from the other side. My husband told me because he could not live with the guilt anymore. It hurt me more than I thought it could. This was back in May. We have since seen a christian counselor. If you have faith I recommend them over the regular type. You tend to focus more on the problem with out all the other crap (parents, society etc). The ball was in my court and I had to set guide lines that I needed him to follow, like going to counseling. The trust issue is the biggest, when I call him and he doesn't answer my thoughts automatically go to....where is he is he with her. Not healthy but fact. He has to do a lot of reassuring for me..He may know he isn't going to do it again, but the healing process takes alot of time. When I do finally forgive him, I cannot bring up again, obviously I am not there yet, but I am working on it. We are getting closer and we talk more now like when we were first married. Sex is still an issue, but at some point I will have to give, we tried once but I couldn't do it, all I could do was cry. I don't know what exactly my point is here but eventually with a lot of work on both sides I believe it can work. However once they deserve a second chance, twice and you would be a fool. I hope this helped in some way. I am probably not the right person to give any advice but if you love him you have to at least try right? You both have a part to play in the healing. No more blaming work on how to fix the future. I read once a picture that says: THE PAST CANNOT BE CHANGED BUT THE FUTURE IS WHAT EVER YOU WANT IT TO BE. Good luck to you. Evi

September 7, 2005
4:39 pm
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confusedboopster
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Thanks everyone. I have so many unanswered questions thatmay never be answered and I feel like I am rambling, but I don't know what else to do.

When he and I were seperated, I was told by HIS relatives that he had cheated on me years ago when the kids (now 9 & 11) were 2 & 4. I never knew this. His family said that the way they looked at it is that we were even. He still to this day says they are all lying. I talked to the girl myself and she and I were friends and she said that he promised to leave me for her. She had never been in the house where we were living at the time, yet described it to the T. He can't explain it. He says I must have invited her over at some point. I didn't because back then she and I didn't know each other well.

He also told me repeatedly that I needed to get over him and move on like he had done. When I invited a male friend over to watch movies with the kids and I, keep in mind that this friend my hubby and I both went to school with and have known for years, I was called a slut. He yelled at me and said how many more of my friends are you going to f**k. I couldn't believe him! This is my friend too. What was wrong with me having a friend over to talk to? And if I decided to have relations with this friend, it wasn't any of his business because he was through with me, right?

September 7, 2005
4:42 pm
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confusedboopster
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I almost forgot...

he hasn't worked in 3 years due to an accident. I work 40+ a week. He doesn't lift a finger towards housework. He doesn't lift a finger towards yardwork. He says it hurts him.

Yet...he can do what he wants with no pain.

If he can't find a shirt in the middle of the week because he's already worn it, it is a big fight because I am slacking on my "wifely" duties.

September 7, 2005
4:54 pm
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Anonymous
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you got the job - you are already one step ahead of many here.

you are doing nothing but taking care of him like a little kid - why?

he is simply doing what he is doing because you take care of the finances, the house, the kids and he is insecure and has issues of his own - because he doesn't work and doesn't contribute, he is going to manipulate you and hurt in order to ease his own insecure pain.

you DON"T HAVE TO TAKE IT.

if you own your house - leave, get a rent - leave him with the bills. he isn't going to leave - so leave him - you have the job - you can support yourself and your kids - you already do - and since he has a disability (or assume he does if he is not working) he may not be "able" to care for his kids - which will serve you well in court. If he has no legal disability - and is not working - then that will CERTAINLY show good faith on your part and hurt him in court.

he is like an angry child throwing a temper tantrum.

if this were a child - you would ignore it and walk away - so why accept his behaviour? he is an adult - he either acts like it, or walk away.

keep making a list of grievences - it will help make your decision to leave easier.

September 8, 2005
1:54 am
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bonita1
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confusedbp,

Hubby sounds horrible. What exactly do you love about him? His kindness and winning ways? I think not.

Please consider how his parenting or lack of parenting skills are affecting your kids. My heart goes out to your daughter especially, because my dad did the same thing to me only because I was the only girl of the family I had to do what my brothers did NOt. That is so unfair and I have Daddy issues to this day.

Your son, on the other hand, is being modeled a behavior that will only make him miserable in the future and make his future wife and family miserable, too.

My heart goes out to you and the kids.

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