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Wife's negative attitude about everything
July 20, 2005
5:19 am
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IndianHubby
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I havent ever heard her say anything good about anyone. But she can list out many negatives of just anyone, even within few days after first meet.

Those times when she is really really happy, laughing out loud, being friendly with people, listening to you and cheerful...omg! Its a treat to me that day.

I wonder why cant she be like that for atleast most of the time?

We are married for 11 yrs now. We dont often fight for anything. We do not have much in common as a subject to talk about. Gradually I am compromising on such petty issues to go her way, and talk as much as possible in her lines. But sure it wont be deep or intriguing.

Petty things can satisfy her. She would rather walk a mile with me (not holding hands) and be happy for the evening. Anything more than this is too much for her. I am seen as one that is 'greedy'!!!

Otherwise, we do love each other immensely. Everything taken for granted between us. We have less of physical relationship.

"What is romance? Its just some filmy bullshit" ...thats what she says.

"...hmm thats enough of kissing...can we sleep now?"

So there I am before you. Please let me know your view on this. I may not be too good a husband. But I should know 😀

Thanking you in advance.

IndianHubby.

July 20, 2005
5:44 am
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Amigina
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Hi IndianHubby,

Surprise her with a rose and tell her this is not bullshit and that you love her - you meant it. Look at her eyes, long and straight. Share your feelings with her. Most women, like myself, like to hear guy's feeling and show them that you really mean it to love and care for her. How about giving her massage?
Good luck with your wife.

July 20, 2005
7:33 am
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shyshy
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I don't know what you do or do not do for her but have you tried doing little things for her that do not involve physical contact? Something that she would truly enjoy?

I've heard it said that love starts in the morning. Not in the bed. Maybe you can begin the day by telling her you love her, send her flowers at work or something or something my ex husband used to do for me that really made me feel special was he would take a bar of soap and write a nice little message for me on the bathroom mirror so when I got up in the morning and headed for the bathroom it would just make my day.

Little things like that make a big difference. Try that for a few days without initiating any physical contact with her and see how it goes. Some women are just so uninterested in s-x that the slightest touch makes them uncomfortable. But, do these things for her and she should be wanting it.

July 20, 2005
2:48 pm
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kathygy
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You need to have open and honest communication in a safe environment to have a healthy relationship. It doesn't sound like you have that. Your wife may be angry at you and that's why she's limiting contact like kissing. When I was married I was dis-satisifed with my husband and didn't let him kiss me a lot. It sounds like you need to work on your relationship and make it healthier and build intimacy. Have you tried to talk to your wife about your feelings and ask her what she is feeling? You may need the help of a counselor if your wife is not willing to open up.

love,
kathy

July 20, 2005
11:36 pm
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sunshine1959
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I agree with everyone else. I should know, because for the first 2 years of realtionship with b/f I was so happy, so encouraging, loving, forgiving, chilled out, it was unbelievable. Now, I am complete opposite because he no longer gives the little things, we have no sex, and I feel like a nobody.
I'm not saying you did this to her, I'm just wondering if maybe the little unexpected things will make her believe she is loved, cause it sounds like to me that she has low self-esteem and is taking it out on everyone. I only know, because I do that myself now. Once a beautiful person, even though way overweight, now I am a loser with no place to go but up I guess. It can't get any worse. I don't mean to be that way, and inside, it isn't what I am.
Anyway, hope this makes sense.

July 21, 2005
2:26 pm
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IndianHubby
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My love to all who responded.

Ok. Lets us assume I dont show her my love with the kind of guestures you were suggesting....

"why doesnt she make an effort to show it to me her way? Wife dont have to? Dont I deserve love?......" I have thought of these over years.

Honestly, except for 'gifts' I do everything else to her. Rose or cards do nothing to her. I know she doesnt like me giving them...as I said earlier...they are out of movies to her. 'Dramatic' 😀

So, I never miss a moment when I can kiss her. I do it every day. I admire when she carefully beautifies herself to go to a part and I let her know how much it looks good on her. This has infact given her much more boost to her confidence about her looks, over a time.

Kissing is my most favorite. Its always me who initiates. Probably she kisses me once after I would have kissed her hundred times. I once asked her why she doesnt initiate. She said "somehow I dont get such feelings at all" ...thats like she would kiss only on my request/suggestion 😀

"Sex is boring/no fun after 30s"!!
"We are too old for sex"!!!

I am 38, she is 33.

Guess when we make the best ever love??? Only when we dont meet each other for about 2-3 weeks. For every wonderful love making, we invariably gotto get separated for 20 days ha ha ha

I am not supposed to have friends. Not supposed to meet even my childhood friends. Ok, say I stay home. We do absolutely nothing. We hardly talk. She doesnt even intiate a convo. I pick up a topic and anything can bore her easily. So we mostly endup watching a movie. It doesnt matter to her if I sit for hours on my computer, but I gotto be home!!

In these many years...she has 2 friends. She doesnt much talk to them either (basically our neighbors.) Thats it.

I feel I am dumping too much on the reader now :d ....I'll stop here.

Thanks for your responses...I will keep reading further.

IndianHubby

July 21, 2005
3:20 pm
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jamaicanwife
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You sound like my husband, who is a very affectionate, warm person, and he really struggles to connect with me. Like your wife, I much prefer to be left alone, and feel that romantic gestures are too dramatic.

One way that I am different from your wife, is that I have started to realize that my way is lonely for my husband. I am now trying to compromise a bit - not enough, I feel, but I have made a bit of an effort - and do things his way sometimes.

I have also realized that it is not just a difference in personality. I had a rough childhood, and I shut down emotionally when I was still a child. I taught myself not to expect or desire affection from people, so I feel fine without it. The problem is that I am not fine, because although I have trouble receiving affection, I still need it, probably even more than anyone else.

You should talk to your wife, and maybe encourage her to get counselling. We all need affection, and when we feel as though we don't need it, that is when we need it the most.

Just my opinion.

July 22, 2005
4:57 pm
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rick713
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IndianHubby & Jamicanwife...
I understand where you are coming from. This weekend will be my 12th anniversary (3 children). Intamacy is non exisitant. Kissing went from passionate, nonpassionate, Grandma peck, to not at all. At this point she is totally into her emotional jail cell, and told me she would rather divorce than seek conseling or help. Haven't had sex in well over a year and a half, and I really love and am attracted to this woman. Not feeling very smart at the moment because I still try to woo her, and talk to her, I try to understand her, and her feeling. I don't push for sex, don't even mention it for weeks at a time. When I bring it up it turns into "that's all you talk about". I truly believe that I'm crazy for being in this posistion, and that I coming to the end of my whits.

How do you talk to someone who doesn't want to talk? or how can you help someone who needs help, know they need help, but doesn't want to be helped?

rick713

July 23, 2005
5:34 am
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oneinthewoods
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Perhaps you hang on to her too much. Or she could be tired of a constant routine at home. Do you have much of a life other than at home or on the computer? Do you get out and have fun without her? You should. It keeps the love strong. If you sit home and become boring then that cause issues in relationships. If you are a couch potato and do nothing with your wife except want some lovin...then she will get bored with that.
You sound like a good guy but a seperate life outside of your wife is healthy too. Good luck.

July 23, 2005
6:25 pm
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CAMER
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i agree with the last post, try going to new places, break out of the house, maybe wine and dine her...and have her try to open up, and ask her if she is "happy" and what would make her happy. Communication is so important in any relationship.

July 23, 2005
9:46 pm
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Jodymd4
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It sounds like you have a very similar relationship to the one I just ended. One thing I have learned to this point is that you deserve to have what you want, too. Try not to be afraid to ask for it and if she won't give it to you, you need to mke sure you're taking care of yourself. You deserve to be happy, too.

July 23, 2005
11:04 pm
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on my way
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Indianhubby,

Lots of pain here, andloneliness I am sure of for you.

Excuse the bluntness I am about to give, as I know that living with someone as a wife, cna be so difficult without what you need.

But I want to ask you about you.

Has there ever been a time in your life, or has ther ever been a person from your past to"make" you feel this way? Were you the one whose personality was snuffed out because everyone else knew better...or so it seemed, so that you were in a subjugated position to do everythign their way..no freedom to be you?

The reason I ask, is because many times we look to blame someone for our feelings. And, sometimes poeple do not even know where these feelings have originated from. Then, we choose close friends, or a marriage partner, or even a business partner who "treats" us the same way.

I am only speaking frm personal experience. I was such a person. I blamed my husband for my feelings, my problems, when who I maried and what I contribute to re-create was only what I knew from my past. Everyone does this to some degree or another, until it is realized what is taking place.

You are being led around it seems, by your nose, in circles.

Maybe if you talk with your wife, ask her what sshe sees in you, or happening. It may be hard to hear what she has to say. Too, as a female, if my hubby was so unhappy with me, I would be very frustrated, and would not know HOW to please him, so I would take care of myself, as it would only distance me emotionally from him.

Do not know if any of this related to you personally, but thought I would share.

July 24, 2005
12:00 am
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lost and found
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maybe she wants to be friends with you. do you two have any hobbies together. if you dont do anything but sit home under house arrest, what the heck are you going to talk about??? somehow you need to bust up the routine you decribed above. it is not healthy to not have friends and a life. what yu describe sounds very codependent to me. you seem to be giving her all the power. not good buddy. if you are doing all the chasing, she will do all the running.
why dont u join a gym,at least pick one afternoon a week and go somewhere
for yourself. u know the ole saying--doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results will never get you anywhere. lighten up the stranglhold you two have on eachother and see what happens.

July 24, 2005
11:17 am
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dgroovy1
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OK, whatever these other posts say...whatever! I have been with my husband for 10 years, intimacy-once a month maybe, negativity-every day, every day about every thing. The cat is sick, the dog needs grooming, he's out of sodas, where is the phone, his computer is messing up, he has a headache, he has a stomach ache, he has anxiety, the remote doesn't work fast enough, his mom nags him too much. I swear I hear nothing but negativity from him. I personally try to be a very positive person, believing that my outlook being positive truely affects my life and the lives of others. But, I swear, he sucks the life out of me. We have nothing in commen and don't talk much except to hear him complain.

Now, I know how I feel in my situation--I want to scream and run away, but my codependancy and severe martyr syndrome is preventing me.

A marriage/relationship with someone you have nothing in commen with and no intimacy and they drain you of positive energy is no relationship at all.

Please know I am not critisizing, I am just hoping you are smarter than me!

July 25, 2005
12:26 am
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lost and found
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dgroovy1-do you respond to these negative remarks? do you rescue him?

July 25, 2005
7:31 am
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dgroovy1
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lostandfound,
I guess on occasion, just depends on what it is, in all fairness, yes. How jacked up is that? He found the perfect women for himself a codep hell bent on martyrdom. LOL....though I do have to say I have been trying to work on it, just ignoring him, so then its "whats wrong with you?" It is never ending...
dgroovy1

July 26, 2005
8:34 am
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dgroovy1
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Indianhubby,
WOW, your situation sounds eerily like mine, except I am a wife. I ask him why he isn't interested, he says he doesnt know.
Now, I know intimacy is not always about sex or about how a person looks but, by most peoples standard, I fit the bill as a "hottie" for my age. Also, all my life I never wanted sex, though I had plenty...now I am in my 30's and want it like I never knew was possible, but to no avail.
Am I wasting the best years of my life with no conversation, intimacy or help from my mate?
Good luck and peace to you and yours.

July 28, 2005
4:18 am
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itavarap
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I've always found as a woman that once my respect for my partner goes, so does sexual attraction. If I can walk all over him, I can't respect him anymore, and then don't find him attractive.

The most attractive thing about my guy is that he goes off and does his own thing and occasionally frustrates me. I can't control him, or tell him what to do.

I know you're married and you live together so there's noplace to really run to in your case.. But you should get out of the house and do something else. She can't miss you if you never go away. Join a pool or a bowling team, and go once a week to that. Go work out at a gym and go a few times a week. Start doing things outside the house, and if she doesn't want to go with you, let her stay home by herself.

You'd better believe that after the first few times you leave, once she realizes you're serious, she's going to sit there and start worrying. She's going to think about all the people you COULD be meeting, and all the fun you're having without her. She'll start to wait on you to get home. She might even whine and cry and try to convince you to stop going on your activities. Best of all, she might want to do them with you. Let her do some, but reserve a few special things for yourself.

When she sees that you're no longer under her thumb, sitting around waiting on crumbs of her attention to drop near you so that you can gobble them up like a starving animal, she'll start throwing MORE attention your way. Women can't stand it when their guy is having fun without them. It makes us crazy. We end up trying to lure him back by being more interesting, ourselves.

Good luck.

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