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Wife confessed she cheated, what to do?
June 14, 2006
11:28 am
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method
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Well we've been together for 3 years, and been married for one year. She went for a birthday outing for a weekend with her girlfriends, got really really drunk and cheated by fourplay, not full intercourse. She's got a low self esteem and she did mention she had problems with parents in her childhood, divorce emotional abuse. When she told me i told her i was going to leave her, she got so upset she says im all she has. She says that she will do everything she can to earn my trust back and she knows she has to work on herself first. She wants to go to counseling and says she will never drink or go out with her friends or even to the bar again and also start going to church every sunday if it means staying with me.

I feel very betrayed and I'm not sure if I could trust someone 100% ever again in this situation.

I'm not sure if I should just leave her and think (once a cheater always a cheater), or if this conseling/new commitment will actually regain my trust. We have been sleeping in the same bed, right now i push away when she tries to hug me but we are not fighting I try to avoid the subject all together for now.

Any idea's on how to go about this would be great. I really don't know what to talk about with her and what to do around her, im angry inside and it hurts. I can see she's hurting too.

June 14, 2006
11:36 am
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Anonymous
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there are many books on infidelity.

but one of the books I found helpful was "courage to trust"...small book - but very helpful.

you recognize your wife has issues, and she does too....that's a good first step.

most of my books on recovery recommend NOT leaving right now....because you will be leaving on impulse - and later question the deicision which opens you up to having to decide to go back and deal with it or stay away....often we go back.

let her SHOW you that she wants to be a better person....don't accept the words - accept only the right actions.

counseling, not going to bars and church are all good ideas.

however, I would caution - she has to want to do these things because she wants to be a better person - NOT because she is doing it to keep you.

In that I mean - negotiating with an alcoholic or an addict is fruitless - many will agree to go into AA or NA because they don't want to lose you.....most will do okay for a while.....but if ever you two get in a fight....and they feel you "wronged" them - they will throw it back in your face that they stopped drinking or drugging for you and this is the thanks they get - and head back to the bottle or drugs....citing you as the reason they failed.

she has to want to fix these issues for herself.

my ex - he has issues - I spent two years with him - while he swore up and down he wanted to fix the issues - because I was the best thing that happened to him and he didn't like who he had become.

well, nothing changed...and because I had so much invested, it was hard to let go....I wanted to believe he would change....but he didn't.

even now, he tries telling me he is changing...but I know he is not....it's just words.

let the actions speak....and perhaps counseling for yourself is good...it will help you deal with the anger, hurt and betrayal....

I won't say you will ever trust her again....once that's broken it's damn near impossible to recover....some do tho....there's alot to think about.

June 14, 2006
11:43 am
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on my way
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I think if you beleive your marriage is worth salvaging, then you should do it. If you succeed this will actually bring you closer together, and as a couple you will be able to share this experience with others to possibly help them.

June 14, 2006
11:50 am
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method
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Thanks for the feedback I'll be definately checking out that book. Should we take a break from each other or be around each other lots? I have a basement i could stay in, im not sure if we need space or if we should stay around each other and build on our relationship.

June 14, 2006
11:58 am
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Anonymous
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do NOT move to the basement.

every step farther away from her is a step closer to divorce.

if you want to fix this, and build on it, then stick around....you can have "boundaries" like not wanting intimacy right now....but don't leave the bed if you can....cuz every step away is a step closer to leaving.

If you want to stay and work thru this, then stay....moving farther away will give mixed signals.

a marriage counselor may be able to help too.....they are qualified to get you thru this.

June 14, 2006
12:02 pm
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codep
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I believe that you cant work on something if you're not around to work on it. How can she prove her actions if you're never around to prove them for?
I think that if you truly want to forgive her mistake and you are stating that you want to trust her then you have to forgive, accept and move towards that goal. If you seperate yourself then you are stating that you're unsure if you truly have accepted and forgiven her. Until you do this you're not going to be much use to yourself or to her in the relationship. If you need time to think then seperate from her to see if you can truly, completely accept and forgive her. but dont tell her you want to work on things and then only do it halfway. basically what I'm trying to say is that if you choose to forgive and move on then you have to do that with all of your heart "however hard that will be" If you feel you cant do that then you should move on..

June 14, 2006
4:04 pm
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on my way
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Stay there and work on it. If you withdraw, she won't understand, will interpret it as rejection unless you specifically tell her" I need some time, but I love you".

June 14, 2006
4:12 pm
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Method,

Stay if you really beieve that the two of you love each other. Stay if you can be hurt/upset without belittling her (sounds like she does that herself).

It sounds like this was more about her than you and her feelings for you. This could be just a blip on the radar screen.

Cary

June 14, 2006
4:25 pm
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taj64
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I would look at this as a wake up call that something is not right. It looks to me as if a mistake was made and though painful, a huge lesson was learned and a regret was made. She regrets her mistake. It is symptom of a problem. It would be natural for you to be hurt but this is hurt that can be healed and sounds like you are willing to try and only time and patience will ease you back into the relationship. It could be that she is longing for a bit of excitement that she may have missed out or missing and that she just overstepped her lines. Cause it is not true once a cheater always a cheater. You know that is not true. She shows remorse and still has love so it is worth saving and can and will. They say the first year in a marriage is the hardest and adjustment is hard. That is why I brought up the missing excitement of going out with girls. I seriously would not question that it is not a little thing here but it is not worth overreacting and destroying your marriage over either because of a hurt ego. We all make mistakes in life, nobody is perfect, and forgive though maybe you cannot do that now, it can be a possibility for you to overcome.

June 14, 2006
4:30 pm
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milwife
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She didn't go all the way. Hold on to that. If she engaged in foreplay, she very well could have engaged in intercourse -- but she did not. Have you asked her why?

Beyond sex, how is your relationship (prior to the incident)? Taj64 is right -- she may have wanted excitement or felt something missing. Alcohol often brings out parts of us that are repressed, and it may have been an excuse to reach out for that.

You might consider counseling for both of you; you didn't do anything wrong here, afaict, but joining her in counseling will show your support for her, and could help you learn something important.

Do you still love her? What do YOU want?

June 14, 2006
4:35 pm
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evi
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Trust takes a while to earn back! trust me I know! I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. It only matters how much you love her and how hard you both are willing to try. It takes both of you to work things out and has to be what both of you want other wise it won't work. Is she worth it? only you know the answer. Counseling can't hurt, I have the attitude that I want to know that I did everything possible to save my relationship first. Then if it doesn't work out I can still look myself in the mirror and know I did everything I could! The easy thing to do is give up and walk away. I am not telling you what to do by any means just make sure you get a way for a couple of days and really think through. Go somewhere alone where you don't have any outside influences or someone giving you bad advice, search yourself then stand by your choice. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck Evi

June 14, 2006
8:53 pm
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June 14, 2006
8:56 pm
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Method: I agree that you should not move into the basement. Tell her you just need some time to get over this and hopefully she will understand.

Is this the first time she cheats? If it is, then I would stay and work on it. Get some counseling and try and not hold this against her or throw it all back in her face when your angry.

Shit happens, and this is all part of making your marriage work. We are not perfect and sometimes make mistakes. If she was making a habit of it then I would feel differently but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Hopefully she will learn from this and never do it again.

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