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whyme 32...got a quick sec?
April 11, 2004
4:46 am
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vegas
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HI, chica. How are ya? Me, well, I just wanted to get a few things out of my mind. Ever have nights like that? I've been having quite a few the past three weeks or so.

Yeah...it's my ex. If I'm not occupied...I'm thinking of him. sigh. I miss him. HOw I wish...I can't even bring myself to admit it to someone else. Cuz, I know it would be so stoopid of me. And, even as much as I miss him...and as much as I still care about him...i would never pray for it either...even though when I pray for him and wifey I don't mean it whoelheartedly. I wish we could still be together. I wish that he were still mine.

Is that crazy? I mean, even IIIII feel incredibly idiotic for admitting it.

I just needed a friend to confide in...there's no one I can really go to. Felt like telling you. That you would understand.

Anyway, like I said, just needed to powwow.

take care, vegas

April 11, 2004
5:20 am
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vegas
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I guess I"m the only one on the site...I surfed other sites...hoping for some interaction with someone else out there...but I guess not. just need to get some things out my head.

I can't stand night time. everyone is asleep. And even if they were awake, I still wouldn't have anyone to talk to. Even to talk to my sister...I know she's tired of listening about my whoas with romeo.

I just don't know if I'm just holding on to the past. Or if this is just residual feelings. or if I'm just afraid of facing the future...without him. MAybe that's it cuz all of a sudden a surge of wanting-to-cry energy came thru me.

whyme, why me? Why am I going thru this? I am a more than decent person. I have never done any harm or malicious act to anyone (At least not on purpose...and that's when I think of when romeo and i fought). Even people think that I'm just the sweetest person. why then am I hurting so much? And over this guy who doesn't deserve me and is way below what I deserve?

sigh

April 11, 2004
5:31 am
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vegas
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Guess I'm just afraid of moving out to the East Coast and living life without him. Well, I'm already living life without him. (He's supposedly living life with the wifey)...whether or not he's really divorcing.

I don't know. When I pray, I'm not praying what I really want. That's mainly cuz I know what I want isn't what God has planned for me. He has better, I'm pretty sure of it. But, I just can't explain to myself why I want to still be with him.

Codependent...I bet that's what some of you guys think.

aghk...I guess. I don't know. The only thing I know is that I'm so unhappy. That there are so many things I miss about us. And I am so afraid of...well, of he just not being there. I know that's crzy thinking as...he married! duh! antonette. Use your head.

sigh. I should go upstairs and sleep so I can go to church. BUt, I don't want to think of him. I could read. But, it's as if there's a think fog of memories in my bedroom. Actually everywhere. I can't handle.

sssiiighhhh!

April 11, 2004
6:03 pm
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why me 32
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I know exactly what you mean, stuff going through your head and 100 MPH. As a matter of fact, I haven't been on for a while. Just now got on today, it being Easter and all. I think I was on yesterday for a few minutes. Yesterday was a big day for me too. The ex and I were screaming at each other back and forth on the phone for most of the day. Kids were at my mom's. One of my mom's neighbors (a single parent himself, about my age), came over and asked me out. I'm not even divorced yet, what's he thinking? Not only that, I am still attached emotionally to my ex. I just don't think I have anything to offer anyone else in terms of a relationship. Friendship is all I'm open to right now. Then again, who am I to turn down a free meal and a fun night out.

Geez, though, when my ex comes over to visit the kids or whatever, I still get pretty antsie in my pantsies, if you know what I mean. Yeah, it's going to be a while before I start dating others.

As far as a fog of memories go, mine are all over the house and everywhere else. It's normal, but when you're going through the memories, remember there were good ones as well as bad ones. I find I'm feeling better to bring up more good memories instead of bad. It makes me feel like my time with my ex was not completely wasted...we did have some good times, some real good times, in fact.

I think we both probably have a lot to sort out. It's so good to hear I'm not alone.

PS: I think God knows what we are praying about, even if we don't, and I'm absolutely positive he knows what's best for us, again, even if we don't.

April 12, 2004
3:58 pm
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vegas
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hey, twinks,

got a question for you: now, I don't know your story with either of your ex-husbands. But, obviously, you married this second man cuz you thought he offered something "better" as you said. What exactly? I mean, as silly as that question is, what honestly is "better"?

I feel better is subjective, ya know. And I ask cuz, well, last night, I had one of those soul-exposing conversations with my sister and cousin. ANyhow, after I admitted how I still cared about my ex and all my other "thoughts," sis was upset. She said she wanted something "better" for me than this guy. MY cousin expressed the same thing too.

I responded back, "what is 'better' to you may not necessarily be something IIII consider 'better', at least for myself." What I was getting at was that, romeo and I were happy, despite the hardships we suffered. To myself, nothing can really get any "better" than what romeo and I shared. Do you follow?

So, now, I just wanted to know what you saw/considered in your second husband...and then why it didn't work out.

April 12, 2004
4:18 pm
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vegas
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just popped into my mind...GOd knows our hearts. God already knows our wants long before we ask Him.

ok...so He knows the confusion I'm going thru:
*** God asked Hosea to marry a prostitute. Even after she went off having other men's kids and selling her body, God still commanded Hosea to go get GOmer his wife and tell her (in paraphrase): "Woman, you are my wife. And you will stay here with me. I will love YOU! You will love ME!"
Now, one has to think that there was a happy ending to this story. I mean, God didn't ask of this from Hosea just to demonstrate God's awesome love and forgiveness. Think of it...a prostitute. GOd commanded one of His most faithful to go and love a prostitute. I know that God worked His HAnd and stirred Gomer's heart...changing the whole situation for the best for both Hosea and Gomer.

I'm not saying GOd is telling ME to love a lowlife like romeo...but could He be? Hosea's story always runs in my mind.

*** my sis and cousin tell me to forget about romeo and wait for that someone "better". Wait for someone who "deserves" my love.
I say in return that romeo wasn't a bad guy thru and thru. I wouldn't have stayed with him for that long nor wanted to have lived the rest of my life with him raising a family. Tho he had a bad history, that was his past. Tho he isn't as educated as me, his book knowledge had nothing to do with his heart or mine. Tho, if considering a caste system, he and I belong in different lvls. Me in this middle-class tier, he in the mongrul one...isn't that Jesus taught as to love the unloveable, the despicable? Moreso, we don't deserve God's love. Cuz of sin, we fall so short. But, aren't we supposed to become more godly as Christians?

And on that note...forgiveness. God is the ultimate forgiver...should III be too?

*** okay, now this is where my confusion comes. I know I will never know what GOd is thinking/planning/wanting for me...for romeo. Of course, I know God wants me to be happy...ok, well, I was happy with romeo. And then I think all those things from the Bible that I shared with you.
okay, but then I think...well, the devil know Scripture too. What if this is satan interjecting these "thoughts" into my mind? How will I know?

See how crazy my thoughts are? I didn't organize them until last night while talking with my sis and cousin.

any words of advice/criticism/anything from any of you? I need to hear what OTHERS are thinking so to help me understand the way I"M thinking.

April 12, 2004
4:18 pm
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Vegas, what's the story with you and your ex? I take it he's married? who broke things off, you or him? Just curious.

Nan

April 12, 2004
4:35 pm
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vegas
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whyme,

So, are you going on that date? =) Have fun, ok, for us both. Cuz I'm totally stressing with the exfactor and the moving and the finances for school....etc.

ya know, I absolutely understand that "antsy in the panties" bit you mentioned. A week ago, he came to my parents to have a visit with me, eat lunch. Just knowing he was on his way over, I became wet. (Not trying to be perverted...just honest). And it wasn't like a booty-call. He just wanted to visit like old friends. And that was all it was. But...I don't know. Just the knowing...mind you, I wasn't thinking let's-get-it-on-upstairs. All I thought was, he'll be here.

Now, the whole thing didn't upset me. Women have their physical needs too, right? sigh.

how long were you and your husband together? And what happened to bring about the divorce? How old are your kids? Sorry, I hadn't run into any of your threads.

April 12, 2004
5:01 pm
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vegas
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hi nan,

as I really should getting go to work...I can't tell everything now. And there's just so much, even to just condense it all would still be too lengthy and draining for me.

I know it would be a pain...but my very first thread that tells it all is "he's married...I don't love him...but I still want him" =) guess that answers one of your questions. Other threads were: "I called romeo's wifey" "chocolate therapy"...if you were curious. I pulled them for whomever else wants to see more proof of my insanity. =) heheh

As for the breaking things off...if you're not going to read the threads...to really understand why I've got to give a prolouge.
I did.
But...ugh...I wish I could go in detail. But, yeah, I did. The reason I first left...I got tired for the financial problems, as we were poorer than you could conceive. BUT, I did it originally cuz...well, I wanted God to bless our marriage. So, we had to obey God and not live together. (he was ok with this too, so he told me then)
Well, romeo, one week after I left (which was our 3rd yr anniversary) he was seeing this little chicky. That's when I REALLY left him. Well, two months later, he comes around with this bad-ass car (a 2004 Nissan 350Z, if you're familiar) and tells me how he got a great job doing real-estate...and he can finally take care of me financially, put me thru school, me not having to work anymore.
ok...the night I wanted to reconcile and talk things out with him...was the same exact day he got married...to a 2nd woman! This woman is a rich real-estate big-man. Supposedly, SHE asked him to marry her to save $ on income taxes. He agreed so...and planned to divorce after filing taxes. And sure enough...he is presently claiming that they're filing for divorce.
sigh...of course, there is everything in between...but that's my story pretty much. Fuc^&d up, huh?

April 12, 2004
5:45 pm
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jewel
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I am in the same situation. I don't know how long ago you broke up with your ex. I broke things off with mine in October and I still think about him everyday and wish that things didn't happen the way that they did. I have no way of even contacting him because he got his number changed. I had some of the best times with him. I feel like I have no one to talk to about my feelings either. No one seems to want to listen.

April 12, 2004
7:09 pm
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Zinnie
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VEGAS!

Enough said!

But, I still love you... keep yourself strong AND safe.

Love,

Zinnie

April 12, 2004
8:50 pm
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why me 32
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Vegas,

My husband and I were married for 14 years. Actually, we're still married until the divorce becomes final sometime this summer. Our kids are 13, 11, and 8. He has cheated on me off and on throughout our marriage, and he always denies it at first. He will say I'm crazy and I need to trust him, and then he'll go off with his friends or whoever until 3:00 in the morning 2-3 times a week. Eventually, I find out about the girl, and he'll say he's sorry, that he'll never hurt me again, and he'll start turning his life around, going to church, etc. I think he just has this urge that he ALWAYS gives in to, to always try to get some on the side. In this day and age, that's just dangerous, not to mention humiliating for me and our children when all his friends know about the other woman...it seems everyone knows before I do. Things will be good for a while, then slowly get bad, then get completely out of control. This time, I didn't wait to find out about the other woman, I knew there had to be one, though. I knew by my past experiences with my husband that there was someone else. He came home one night, actually pretty early, around 10:00, and I had his stuff packed. I asked him if I could look at his cell phone (as he was hiding it from me, I guess so I wouldn't see who he had been calling or had been calling him). He refused, and I kicked him out. I just literally woke up one morning and said "I'm done. I'm trapped, and I'm getting myself un-trapped."

There's been a wrench thrown in the works though. He told me yesterday that he got a job offer from a childhood friend, which sounds like a great offer. The only problem is, it's 800 miles away. I was totally devastated. I don't know why I had the reaction that I did, but it just hit me hard. He says it would be better for all of us, in that I won't have to worry about what he's doing and who he's doing it with, and he won't have to worry about what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with. Also, he will be able to take over the health insurance for the kids (which would save me about $400 a month). I keep saying to myself that I'm upset because the kids won't get to see him that often, and that he won't be there to watch them grow up anymore. But I think, since right now the tear machine is on just writing about it, I'm going to miss his dumb ass. I wish to God we could have made it work. Deep down, I think I'll always love him, no matter what hell he's put me through. It all boils down to forgiveness. See, I'm not an angry person, so when I get mad, I generally get over it pretty quickly. I have forgiven him for his wrongs. After all, you should love the sinner, just hate the sin. That doesn't mean I'll ever get back together with him. I won't forget. But, I'm going to miss him, and just thinking about him going so far away has plunged me back into depression...crying off and on all day, not sleeping well yet tired all day, not hungry. This just sucks.

I just want to feel normal again.

April 13, 2004
1:25 am
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vegas
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zin!=)

safe...of course...always.

He won't get any info about where I will be in Philly, nor will he get my number. (well, I'm resolved about that now...let me see in a while when time's winding down).

April 13, 2004
1:41 am
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vegas
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jewel,
Our 3rd yr anniversary was in August...that was when I moved out.

He got married in October.

I come to this site when I really need to release "thoughts." There are many here who understand and have been thru similar. HOpefully you'll find friends here who can help.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

Whyme,
hey.=) Can i ask ya something? If you don't want to answer, I understand.

Did you know about these affairs? obviously you do now, but back then? Did you sense it, or intuitively know? Was there a reason why it went on for as long as it did? I guess I'm just trying to understand a Married woman's perspective. romeo and I have slept with each other several times after he got married. And I know wifey has to know...at least I know she knows he calls me and (used to) tell me he loves me.

I know how it feels--tho I had moved out, when I found out about romeo and the chicky-girl, I ran after the asshole with a hammer and then with a bat. I was pissed. As for the marriage...I would never wish that kind of pain on anyone. such betrayal, esp since HE and I were planning to marry for so long. I can't even imagine if we had kids.

sigh...well, at work. talk to you later.

vegas

April 13, 2004
1:50 am
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Zinnie
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Vegas,

You ran after him with a hammer when you found out about the other girl?

How do you think his wife would feel if she found out about you? Be sure you are not the one being chased with a hammer.

Honey - you are going to continue to feel bad until you finally get this creep out of your life forever, and stop maintaining contact with him.

Z.

April 13, 2004
5:56 am
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vegas
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=) I'd kick her ass if she were able to catch me running the hell away.

No...he and I haven't anything except that lunch a week ago.

I know you're looking out for me, zin.

sigh, I just wish I could communicate with many of you (and everyone else) in real time and personally...without other eyes reading your and my "thoughts."

would like to elaborate...but can't.

take care...hopefully we'll be able to still powwow.

April 13, 2004
8:16 am
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why me 32
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Well, I know now, in retrospect, he was constantly cheating for the first five years. I had no idea. I was completely oblivious to the affairs. Then again, I was pretty naive back then. I had no idea until one of his girlfriends called my house asking questions about him and told me what had been going on. This was especially devastating, because I had just had our daughter, which means he would have been cheating while I was pregnant with her. I packed all our things and left him right then and there. We were separated for about seven months, and when I was finally feeling okay about myself and started getting my self-confidence and self-esteem back, there he was at my door, begging my forgiveness, that he loved me and our kids, and that he would never hurt me again.

Well, about two years ago, I had suspicions about him cheating again. I kicked him out. I could never prove he was cheating, but I didn't need proof. By then, I had figured out all his tricks and had figured out that he had been cheating probably the entire first five years off and on. We were separated for about four months, and again I took him back.

This time, I suspected again. He would not answer his cell phone when he went out. He would not let me near his cell phone. He started saying he was hanging out with friends I didn't know and who's phone number he knew I could not possibly get. He would get dropped off up the road from our house. I would be sitting outside waiting for him at 3:00 in the morning, and there he would come, strolling up our street. He started saying that I was crazy, that I needed to trust him, that I was destroying our marriage because of all the arguing and mistrust.

Like I said, he came home one night. I asked him if I could look at his cell phone. He refused, and I kicked him out. A couple of days later, I filed for divorce. I'm not waiting around for him to sweet-talk his way back into my life.

From a wife's perspective, Vegas, it is a devastating feeling. It is like being robbed of your very soul. It is completely humiliating and dehumanizing, and if I ever found the girl he was cheating with, I would be doing the chasing with the hammer, but I would chase the both of them...and I would eventually catch them. Do not underestimate the power of adrenaline in a woman when she's really pissed. It is not something I would suggest messing with.

However, seeing how I have children and cannot afford to go to jail for these selfish people, I'll just gladly take 41% of his gross pay for the next several years of his life and go about my business. I plan on taking the kids to Disney with it.

April 15, 2004
4:18 pm
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vegas
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Hi, everyone.

Ya know, I am totally convinced that God has a funny sense of humor. I seem to feel like the butt of the joke whenever He answers my prayers...and, friends, He was answering them left and right earlier this week.

Last Satday, before I went to bed, I prayed that God just tell me/show me in such a way that I simply would not miss what He was saying, like dropping something on me head sort of a thing. I prayed that I would take His hand and just go wherever He wants me to go. And most importantly, I "cast[ed] my burdens onto Him." (I think that's Psalms 55). I surrendered everything with romeo.

The next day at church, a gentleman named James was there. He comes every so often. But I don't think he knew about me going to school. Anyway, I approached him and greeted him "Happy Easter" and whatnot. As we were shaking hands, he said that he thinks he had a dream about me the night before. He asked that we speak after service. Well, it turned out the JAmes was praying for all the women at church. Then, in his dream, God told him to tell me that, in whatever I was pursuing, "[I'd] be okay...just keep you head up." James looked at me and asked for clarification, "Is this about school or something?" Immediately, I knew that was God replying back thru JAmes. I was so happy, I had to give this stranger a big hug.

Two days later at work, a nurse and I were having a conversation. Now, this nurse Claims to be Christian. However, she's the grumpiest, moodiest nurse there at the hospital! It is very crystal clear that the Holy Spirit does not reside in this wanting-to-appear-pious nurse. I myself try to not even talk or chit-chat with her as she is such a sourpuss. But, it's just so funny how this was what God arranged.
So, we start off talking about school...and this nurse asks whether my "boyfriend" was moving out there with me. I didn't feel as if she was trying to pry any gossip out of me. It seemed as if she genuinely hadn't heard about the breakup. So, I corrected her and briefly told her the story. (She asked what happened. She told me she thought he was cute and was curious: "Will you two get back together you think?") Anyway, I felt that I had to her opinion, she begin Christian and all, "God makes no mistakes. But, I don't understand what MY lesson in all this is supposed to be." And I went on to explain my feelings of injustice, how he's living it up, and I'm still working my way up.
Very certain, the nurse told me, "Your lesson is to now trust God enough to have Him make ALL your choices. Let Him tell you what to do." All I could is smile. HEre was God again, talking to me thru this woman I looked at as the figtree from Mark (10 or 11?).

And since then, I've been feeling peace. It's great.

God is good.

April 15, 2004
4:25 pm
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why me 32
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Nothing gotten easily is worthwhile. Romeo will figure that out in his own time. But you just keep on truckin' girl. Don't let him define you. You define yourself, and let God smoothe out the rough edges. 🙂

April 16, 2004
4:50 am
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vegas
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=)

got another burning question, whyme...and you kind of touched upon it earlier. But, now what do I do with these memories? The bad and the good?

I don't know why it should be an issue...me going to Philly soon and all. I will be forgetting about romeo in no time flat. But, for some reason...shrug. There are just so many memories. And am I just going to place them all on the backshelf to just collect dust? sigh. I used to think that he and I would grow old together and look back at all the random things we used to do. sigh. Guess that will never happen. We no longer know each other.

We haven't talked for a week. I wonder what's up. But, I tell myself he's living it up cuz of that one deal he closed. And, well, I've accepted it. Life goes on.

April 16, 2004
10:50 am
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why me 32
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One of the biggest "flags" of a codependent relationship is that the one who is codependent has fantasies of growing old with the other person. As far as memories go, I was on the phone with a friend last night, and we got to talking about our younger days. Since I had been with my husband since I was 16, a lot of my memories included him. We got to talking and laughing about those days, and while I got a little misty, it made me feel better that my time with him was not completely wasted. We had some great times, and I don't think there has been any other person who made me feel as alive as he did. BUT, there are a whole lot more bad memories, and they serve to remind me of what NOT TO DO next time 'round. I too had fantasies of growing old with him, even when I was 16. Now, that's just sick. I should have been thinking about proms, shopping, graduation trips, and college. You have to weigh out the pros and cons of your relationship. Get a sheet of paper and write down, in two columns, "reasons to be with him" and "reasons not to be with him." See which is longer. I'm pretty sure which one it is.

You're young Vegas. Enjoy your youth while you still have it, and know that there are so many good memories just waiting to be made with someone else. You're lucky really. You have a ruler now with which you can "measure-up" future relationships. Enjoy them day by day, and don't think too far in the future. Remember that God has plans for you. Don't fight Him.

April 22, 2004
7:28 am
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vegas
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hi.

this is something a friend emailed me. Wanted to share it with whomever jumps on this thread:

><> ><> ><>
Ok girl... time for a little tough love. God gives it to me and now I gotta give it to you. I will tell you the reason why you feel this way; it's because you don't want to get rid of your feelings for romeo. What?!?!? Yes, it's true. YOu want him back and are afraid to let go of him, afriad of not feeling anything for him anymore. It sounds crazy I know, why in the world would u wanna go through this agony? Two reasons: 1) you're used to him and you want him more out of convenience and carnality (feelings) than love and 2) you're looking for some FEELINGS from God. You want His sympathy rather than His help.

Now I say all this to say I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THINGS!!!! God pretty much gave me the business. I was looking for "substance" too. But GOD IS SUFFICIENT! He is not a God of feelings, but of faith. When you ask, ask in faith (read James 1:5-8). Without faith it is IMPOSSIBLE to please Him! (Hebrews 11:6) Remember faith IS the SUBSTANCE of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1). I'll tell you what this means:

Let's say God is Amazon.Com or e-bay, right? They have everything and so does He! So you want something. So your prayer is when you put something into your cart (ex., you want the first season of Friend's so you click on it and it goes into your shopping cart, well you ask God and your supplication goes into your spiritual shopping cart). So now, you need to pay for it. Our spiritual credit card is the name of Jesus. He paid the price for all the things we would want or need even AFTER salvation. We can't receive anything from The Father unless we ask in His name. So now that you have asked for and paid for the item, you have to wait til it's shipped to your house, right? So lemme ask you, when you purchase something off line or out of a catalog, do you keep buying the same thing until something arrives at your house? Of course not! YOu know you bought it cuzz you have the receipt- the SUBSTANCE or EVIDENCE of what you ALREADY bought! This is your faith for what you have already asked God for and what He has already given you. Now, God's delivery trucks have a tracking device to get to where you live. This tracking device is powered by the things you do and say. Because faith is acting on what you believe. So the MOMENT you make a negative confession, or act contrary to God's Word or behave as if you don't think God can do what you've asked for, you have just short circuited God's tracking device and powered up Satan's. So then he can give you whatever he wants to give you! When you give place to the reminiscent thoughts and bad feelings instead of casting them down and renewing your mind with God's Word (2 Corinthians 10 and Romans 12) you pretty much slap God in the face.

April 22, 2004
7:32 am
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vegas
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now isn't that a kick ass analogy?

I replied back that I know it all is left up to me.

Today was actually a good day. I didn't run to my cell each and every time to see if he called. I know he won't anymore. And actually the urge of wanting to call him before I leave is waning too.

sigh.

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