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Why women don't want sex?
May 22, 2006
1:24 pm
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natalie21
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Hi Matteo,
May I add just one thing? Even if there is no abuse/addiction in the current relationship can the husband be 100% sure that his wife does not have some history of sexual abuse with repressed memories? I didn't want to guess these wifes' reasons for not wanting sex, but I can see myself in that story. For the last 10 yrs or so, I have blamed lack of desire on working fulltime, 3 kids,too much housework. My husband is a great father and awesome lover--but that has not changed the underlying feelings of shame and guilt about sex--it has just been recently, that for whatever reason,these feelings have really have intensified to the point where I am ready to admit to myself and my husband that there is more to this "frigidity" than just stress of my life today. It's not that I dont' want to be nurturing, I'm not looking to crush his ego night after nite...I could go on about my story,but that would be adding more imagined ideas about why these wifes don't want intimacy.
As a newbie around these boards, I don't want to sound out of line and I'm honestly not trying to be rude, just curious-- my question is- what do you hope to learn from our "stories"? Are you looking to prevent problems in future relationships, do you want to help your friends etc.?
I guess I just think that there are 4 sides to every story-- 1 and 2 are the perception of each of the 2 people in the relationship, the 3rd is our outside perception of what's going on , and the 4th is the real "truth". I think unless one knows #4, any ideas for not wanting sex is just a guess, and I'm not sure if anyone(other than God), even the other of the couple, can know what's in another's mind--100% of their past expereiences and their true, totally honest feelings. Anyone who looked at my marriage wouldn't know the whole story unless I could admit some of my deepest secrets--things that I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I am recalling a line the counselors used to ask the kids in an adolescent treatment program that I helped with..."How does this affect your program?" If we know this, maybe you could get the answers you're looking for 🙂

May 22, 2006
1:42 pm
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mamac
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Matteo

Dont be to discouraged. Somtimes you just need to spice things up a bit. Take the kids to a babysitter somtime, plan a romatic dinner at home, or even book a nice hotel room for the night. If she is tired , you could let her just relax all night without a house to clean, and kids to watch over. Nothing turns me on more than when my husband is spontanious. Surprise her!! Take the same old same old out of ordinary life. Show her another side of you that is hard to do with kids around. Dont just try to hop in bed with her. Romance her..

May 22, 2006
2:45 pm
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gingerleigh
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Are you concerned about something happening in your own life? Is this guy you're talking about confiding in you over lack of intimacy with his wife? That's a pretty personal thing to be divulging, and it would be a huge red flag for me on two counts: (1) why is he confiding this to me rather than talking to his wife about it and (2) why am I so interested and touched by the confession?

Is this what's happening?

May 22, 2006
3:19 pm
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It seems to me that sometimes sex is a form of communication between two people, ... touching, tasting, exploring, laughing, and surrender.

Two things that are so important to me ...

are repecting and genuinely liking my partner and also repecting and liking myself.

Our sexual communication is a coming together of two equals.

And little things mean a lot ...

holding the door, cleaning up after supper, helping unloading the shopping from the car, a kiss, and a smile. Thoughtfullness I suppose.

May 22, 2006
3:46 pm
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Matteo
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gingerleigh,

To answer your questions:

1). Because the wives for some reason don't respond to them for years, knowing that their husbands want more intimacy and that its important to them; They did let them know many times. Maybe they just need someone who would just talk to them about what bothers them, and I know it does. We are close friends, we trust each other and we talk, we don't have taboo topics.

2). Because they are my friends. Frankly I am curious what possible scenarios can play behind, but also I am pissed. I know that I am biased here, but I know about so many monsters or close to monsters for whom women would do almost everything, and then I see decent men treated like dirt. Something is wrong; nothing else is happening.

May 22, 2006
5:35 pm
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nappy
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I just had to jump in here for a minute. My ex boyfriend left me because he wanted to have sex every night. I worked, clean, cook and enjoy my time with him but every time we went to bed, he would always turn toward me and I just knew what that meant. I would do it, just to please him but then I was noticing that I wasn't happy no more because the only thing that he wanted was sex from me. He didn't see the 80% that I was giving in the relationship because he was only complaining about the 20% of him not having sex all the time. Well I told him that there is women out there who can give him what he needed. Well to tell you the truth, the 80% of what I was giving him, he didn't get it from the other woman. She was giving him what he wanted and then he didn't want it anymore. He was looking for what he didn't have anymore. Well when he tried to come back, I have already found me a man that having sex does not always mean having sex. It also mean cuddling, talking, touching, and holding.
It seem like matteo, that your friend thinks that because he feel that he is a nice guy ( don't let some people fool you, because they will only tell you what they want you to hear) He is only telling you these things in case he decide that he want to cheat and then he will feel that he has a really good reason for doing it. But tell your friend that if that is the only thing that his wife is not doing for him, then he have to make a choice in whether to let her go or work it out with her because if he feel what he might do might hurt her, it might just come back around on him and I hope that you be a good of a friend to him then when he just might need you the most.

May 22, 2006
6:04 pm
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gingerleigh
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Matteo, in your posts, I am "hearing" you putting your friend up on a bit of a pedastal. I think Nappy might be on to something, regarding him considering an affair and using the lack of sex as a justification. And when he decides that he's ready for that step, he's likely going to turn to someone he feels comfortable and "intimate" with already... perhaps it will be you.

He and his wife are adults, capable of working through their own issues. You are the one that you need to take the most care of. I speak from experience... I too was the one that was confided in, where any topic was OK, and it makes it so much easier for that line to be crossed. Just please be careful.

May 22, 2006
6:33 pm
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Cinamac
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Great discussion, by the way.

I think another thing here is the degree of sexual appetite and drive. After the initial honeymoon period, we usually settle into our own rhytmns. And a sad thing is when a couple sex drive is not in sinc. They could really love each other, be great partners, but one wants sex 10 times a day, and the other wants it 10 times a year. This is really unfortunate. It is really hard on both of the parntners becasue the one that needs more feels deprived and the one that needs less feels awful that s/he can't give more.

Now-a-days, people don't have to hop into marriage, and sex before marriage is just a given not a societal taboo. I have a lot of sympathy for couples not on the same track in this arena. However, I know more women that need more sex than their husbands can give, and these wives are decent, hardworking and look after their families. It is very hard on each partner when a couple is not in sinc.

As far a s the monsters go...I do know many people who are monsters...actually I have both male and female friends that are married to monsters. And beleive me I wonder why anyone would want to take that crap consistently and persistently over time. I feel so sorry for them

But then again I did for 18 years. Why? Well, it is in these discussions I try to figure that out becasue it seems so irrational now, but at the time, somehow, becasue of indoctrination, conditioning, the mass media, Catholicism, my upbringing, I thought that's what a person did. My ex looked great beside the other males in my family. I figured my job was to keep him in line and pretend everything was ok. And secretly be miserable. I found it hard to confide because I didn't realize that so many peple were miserable in the world. Rather codependent, wouldn't you say? These WERE my beliefs.

Then comes the earthshattering midlife crisis, where my world and foundation fell apart, and voila, out of the rubble and ashes comes...CINAMAC!!! I tend to be like Matteo and get a little pissed off on how I let others treat me, especially my EX. But now with a new set of beliefs, it is amazing how much clearer I see the world and how much more honest I am with my self and others.

Again a very interesting discussion

Cinamac

May 22, 2006
7:16 pm
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Anonymous
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matteo-it could be that the wives aren't interested in sex because they can't handle the intimacy involved or the closeness. it could be because they are not getting their needs met in the bedroom. they could have a hormonal imbalance that needs to be addressed. they could be depressed. they could have an underlying resentment towards their husbands that they aren't talking about....it could be many things.

May 22, 2006
8:39 pm
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Matteo
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gingerleigh,

That's really sweet of you, thank you so much for your concern. But NO, we are friends, nothing more, and never will be. I know my boundaries and I clearly stated them. I will not provide physical comfort to someone who cannot sort his life out and in my opinion is looking for a band-aide instead of looking for clear solution, no matter how much I like them and feel sorry for them. For heaven’s sake, I refused to be my beloved G.'s lover, because he went back to his partner, and trust me, I never in my life desired any man more than I desired him. I was surprised myself when I wrote to him about it, because after he left for the first time, I thought that I will do whatever he would want me to do if he would come back. Why would I enter that kind of situation with someone else? I deserve better than that, and I will not be someone’s “sloppy seconds”, as Alicat said (I really like this term, Ali). And that’s just one reason why I wouldn’t do it. So I am safe here.

I have my own opinion about why it happens, and it may be quite different reasons in both those marriages I was talking about. They both admitted that sex is just a tip of an iceberg and that there are underlying unsolved issues. The first one is in total denial and still thinks that if he applies a band-aid in form of sex, everything will work and hold together. I suspect that it might for quite a while; he is married for “only” 17 years or so. The second one who is married for 20 and together for 25 years, recognizes all the problems, and so finally does his wife. They are on the verge of divorce, but he is very codependent and it is very difficult for him to leave and not feel guilty about it and keep everybody happy, except him, that is. But it is just a matter of time, and at this point I am really tired of hearing about his situation and his everyday struggle. Maybe I am just tired of both of them.

I was really interested about the opinions of others and again I thank everyone who participated. Thank you also for giving me this opportunity to vent about this form of unfairness, when the good guys loose. I guess that’s life and life is not fair – right?

May 23, 2006
2:10 am
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gingerleigh
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Phew! OK, I'm glad to hear that, Matteo. I get frustrated sometimes with the messes I've made for myself and I don't want other people to wind up with the same regrets I have.

Interesting discussion, thanks for facilitating 🙂

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