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Why women don't want sex?
May 20, 2006
2:57 am
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Matteo
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Yes in a way I can relate to it. My ex was not a trustworthy, irresponsible man and wasn’t able to open up and communicate unless in an accusatory way, and that at times was killing my sex drive quite efficiently. Plus there were myriads of problems between us and not much in common in general.

OK. Let’s take another scenario: a guy is married for some 17 years, is very hard working, ambitious, earning good salary, devoted father, quiet, humble, athletic and darn good looking. His wife wants to have sex with him once every month or less often. What the heck is the problem? He has very high sex drive and doesn’t have an affair, while his wife is suspecting him of one. Can someone explain to me why women don’t want guys like this, rejecting them night after night for years and at the same time are guarding their property rights, so he will not contact anyone else? He is very attached to his children and probably as well his lifestyle; at the same time he is extremely lonely and unhappy. He is too decent to go and actually have an affair, although he is seriously tempted, and I believe that one day he as well might decide to have an affair. If I was in his shoes I would be gone long time ago. Watching him being tortured like this is heart wrenching. If you were his wife, why not appreciate him instead of crushing his ego night after night? How can you expect the relationship to fluorish and last if his basic needs are not satisfied? How can you claim that you are married if you barely ever have sex, if at all? He is just one example of very common patern taking place in many, many marriages, just from my observation. Any thoughts on that one? Can anyone relate?

May 20, 2006
7:59 am
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Anonymous
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Hi Matteo,

How much time does he devote to his wife? Your list of his positives doesn't include anything about his wife. No matter what else, if he doesn't take much time to nurture his wife, she may not be up to sex.

Also, from what source did you get your information about him? From him himself? From what you've observed? An outsider can't see everything that goes on, of course.

Just some thoughts.

Seeker

May 20, 2006
10:18 am
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Matteo
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I know it from his side. I have no idea how much time he devotes to his wife. I don't think he has that much time having a full time job plus home business, working on his masters, taking his sons to their sport activities and going to the gym, as the only form of entertainment. I know that all his free time except gym he spends home. Shouldn't the nurturing be both way street with sexuality as an integral part of it? How nurturing one can be towards a partner who constantly rejects you, anyway?

Another case: a man who I know that is supportive in every possible way and nurturing to the point of codependency doesn’t get sex either, for years. Tones of counseling for everybody involved, including marriage counseling several times, nothing changes. The whole thing blows up when she suspects him of having an affair, which again he has not. Why someone who does not want to have sex with the partner (which she stated several times) minds so much if the partner has an affair? If treating marriage as contract - isn’t love (including sex) a part of this contract? Why anyone would mind their partners not to have sex with someone else if they don’t want to have sex with them in the first place? And doesn’t matter if they fight or not, it seems like sexuality ought to be thrown out the window. I mean c’mon, people are not property! Frankly I don’t see any difference between that and forcing someone to have sex because they are married. It is just a flip side of the same coin.

Maybe I am just ranting here, but it is so sad to see it from men’s point of view when they are actually good husbands, not jerks, how their needs are not met, and how they are treated as a part of the household, not human being and partner. And how desperately they crave love and intimacy leading lonely lives in supposedly perfect marriages.

May 20, 2006
11:25 am
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gingerleigh
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Be careful in drawing conclusions when you only have one side of the story.

May 20, 2006
11:43 am
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Matteo
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What if I don't ? The second scenario I know from both sides.

May 20, 2006
1:25 pm
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balancesekr
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Hi there, I am jumping into this thread 🙂

I think there is a scenario I missed but I will weigh in on this based on my own thoughts.

For myself, I would reject my partner because I was feeling not happy about myself and scared when I would open up and allow myself to get close and have sex.

I sometimes overthink my partner meeting someone else and I have BIG TIME fears and insecurities about being married or in an intimate relationship and trusting the other person to go out in the world and not be tempted to have sex with other women.

I try really hard to build myself, and believe that my partner will be attracted to other women but will not give in to temptation.

But, then I get scared that what if we are having troubles and we are not meeting each others needs and out he goes into the world.

So my point here is, I reject sex sometimes and accuse about my guy wanted other women because of a combination of pushing myself to really have faith and trust and believe in love and open myself up to my partner and not get scared that we are this close. Because then we are that close and here is my man's new sexy co-worker, who is fun and interesting. Now I have to fight to feel OK, that my partner knows me, is really close to me, but can be close to this other women, but will still love me, even if we are having a tough time and I am annoying him.

Hope this sheds some light. I think that is why there is such a guarding of property (that is a great way to explain it)
There is just so much fear of being close, being rejected, etc...

balancesekr

May 20, 2006
1:45 pm
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florida mom
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just jumping in here too...

What if he's just not good at it?

My husband, he is less that perfect but (everyone thinks he is Mr. Wonderful) he sucks in the bedroom.

He's not interested in working on his techniques, new ideas or witholding his "excitment" so I am just not all that excited when he's ready for his 2 1/2 minute idea of a good time.

Granted we have other issues too but when it comes to sex, even when my needs are being met, I just don't enjoy it with him at all.

There are always two sides to every story.
Just a thought

May 20, 2006
9:34 pm
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Cinamac
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I'll jump, too.

Sex is such a two way street. But weirdly, it is where many power struggles are. In my former life, I would have sex with my ex ANY time he wanted (it was never when I wanted to). It could be after he just called me every lousy name in the book, but I would "do it". I began to resent him. He was so abusive, yet excellent in bed. When he started drinking and doing drugs along with the abuse (he thinks he was hard working and entitled to do what he wanted- work hard, play hard) I found him so repulsive, so I asked him politely one night (after 18 years, no thank you) and he called me what for and said he was going to get a mistress. It was pretty much within that year I filed for divorce. He was living with someone within months of our separation.

Yes, I was pretty much anyman's dream. I am a hard worker and make a good income, did all the housework, looked after the kids and had sex on command. Yet he said he felt confined. Although I left, he asked for a divorce shortly after. Said I was too confining. I paid for the divorce, couldn't get the forms filled out fast enough. Three years later, he says he has "come to his senses" and will take me back. I said, "So have I, so forget it."

I learned a few things. MArriage is not a life sentence. We get together and then we might grow apart. Why torture ourselves? Staying with a guy like my ex was totally demeaning to myself, codependant (I could have won the codependency oscar for being the most martyr like door mat) and extremely unhealthy.

I used to listen to people like Dr. Laura who said, Just be good to your man, he won't be able to resist you...the last codependent thing I did was unintentionally created and enabled the biggest monster on the West Coast of Canada. And I was the most phony, saintly, quivering sexbot. Yuck.

Not that I want to speak on behalf of all woman, but I can say this for at least me: I want sex, of course I do. The more I can express who I am, work on my own goals, do meaningful work, have love and support, the more meaningful sex I can have. The more loving I can be to ourselves, the more I can pamper myself, eat healthy food, put myself first once in a while, the more I desire sex. The more independent I am, the more powerful and empowered I am, the higher my self esteem is,the more passionate I can be in the bedroom. The more of a soulful spiritual connection I can have, the better the sex is. But this is not true only of me as a women, but of men and most people, too.

It comes down to genuiness, empathy and respect...and I strive towards these principles in myself, the more meaningful relationships I can have, and consequently, the better the sex for both me and my partner.

In the case and me and my ex, we are both good people, we just did not bring the good out in each other like we did when we were maRRIED. Sometimes partnerships have to end. I am so glad I ended mine.

In the case of your friends, maybe it is time to move on. Or maybe they need to work through some stuff to get them onthe same track again. Usually the bedroom is a good indicator of the health, quality and the power dynamics of the marriage and the self esteem of the spouses. I wish them all the luck...

Cinamac

May 20, 2006
10:08 pm
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Anonymous
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Cinamac,

Hi. I don't think I've posted you yet.

I wanted to reply to this: {In the case and me and my ex, we are both good people, ....}

I'm curious. How can you say your ex was a good person when he was abusive, called you every dirty name in the book, and started to drink and do drugs? This doesn't sound like a very good person at all to me. He sounds pretty rotten, in fact.

What made him good in your eyes?

May 20, 2006
10:28 pm
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Shesamom
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Jumping in here too......

I work at home as a transcriptionist often starting at 6:30 a.m. I see my son off to school, work some more, he gets home from school and sometimes I have to work some more. I take off an hour in the morning before he goes to school and an hour starting when he gets home. Then there is dinner to get ready, make sure our dog is still alive (my son is 7 and thinks our dog is his younger brother), a house to keep clean, and laundry, etc.

Sometimes I am just plain tired.

May 21, 2006
3:45 am
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Cinamac
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Hi Seeker

Yes, pretty rotten. But I think we are all good, no matter what. And he was good for me for that part of my life...he forced me into independence, into discovering my passion, helped me to increase my education, my self esteem, etc. Now granted, I was doing this becasue he called me every rotten thing under the sun, but being so subservient, I wanted to be the best for him. If I was stupid, I better get another degree, a better job, more money.

I came from a long line of abused women. I was the first and only one to break the chain. I feel it was because of him I was able to and so he was good for me. It didn't seem so good at the time, though.

I think when we all go through our stuff, and the world is so tragic and like a black gloopy cacoon, we are about to emerge. He was my catalist. He loved me when I was unloveable (I didn't love myself) and he gave me two wonderful children.

And honestly, becasue I have stopped enabling him, he is so much more at peace, so much more friendly. In three years he hasn't sworn at me. He hasn't harmed me. He can't spend my money. He can't scream at my kids. I have put up boundaries and he is respecting them. This is good.

I think of the poem, The marriage of heaven and hell, we can;t have good without bad, and vice versa. We are all things. We were good at first, but boy, did we ever bring out the worst in each other. I'm sure he viewed me just as bad as I viewed him. When it gets like that, it is time to move on...

So you are right, he was rotten, but in the end, it turned out for the good of me and my daughter and son subsequent generations to come.

All the best

Cinamac

May 21, 2006
10:22 am
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Worried_Dad
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Some women just don't love their husband.

May 21, 2006
10:39 am
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on my way
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Matteo,
just because the sex life is poor is no reason for someone to go and have an affair in their marriage. it is an "excuse". marriage goes through phases, and sometimes it may not include passionate sex. but if committed, and their is respect between the two, then they can work at it. sadly though, it seems that many end up having affairs in spite of. people disappoint one another sometimes. that is why i believe it is good to place value in another Source first of all. admittedly so, i can not speak from experience in this though, so i am a bit limited in giving advice.

May 21, 2006
10:42 am
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Anonymous
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and some women were raised to believe sex was dirty and shameful...depends on the generation

and some women have poor body image, and are ashamed of being seen nekid

and some women have poor self image, and feel they aren't worthy to have sex...or desireable

and some women use it as the only thing they CAN control - knowing it hits their husbands where it hurts.

and some women use it as the only thing they CAN control - their body, and if they choose not to share it, it's the only thing they have the power to say no to.

and some women are too tired

and some women have low hormone levels

and some women were abused as kids and the thought of sex revolts them

I think the question is too broad to answer unless ALL the details and history are known

also know that many men withdraw from sex too...it's not a women's only symptom....my partner often withdrew from me when he was depressed

then another partner used to cling tightly, and sex was our way of reassuring eachother we cared....I miss that...lol.

May 21, 2006
10:47 am
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there was an article somehwere....the differences between "young" love and "mature" love....and how young love involves alot of "lust" and passion...and mature love involves alot of respect, caring, consideration, and doesn't need the "passion" to make the two partners feel like they are cared about.

they say marry a person you enjoy talking to, cuz as you grow older, the focus on sex and passion dies - naturally - and you better have something else worthwhile to back it up when you reach that point...you better "like" the person you are partnered with...otherwise, you will be miserable with them once the sex wears off....and it does....naturally....with time....with the changes in each person's body and mind.....very few elderly people go to their graves with an active sex life...and the most adoring, long lasting relationships are built on respect, LIKE, compassion and consideration, with little to do wtih sex and good looks.

May 21, 2006
11:29 am
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on my way
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ali EXACTLY...

funny story...
my mom has lewy body dementia. she is in a home for dementia patients. there is a male nurse who bathes her. she whispered to me yesterday, "Don't you ever mention to your dad, that another man bathes me!!" 🙂

May 21, 2006
11:30 am
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readyforachange
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interesting topic...I think there are hundreds of reasons why couples have issues with their sex life.

In my case, it was a combination of many...

My ex would do and say horrible things, and want to use sex to "make up". He never apologized with words. He would blow up at me, refuse to speak to me for days, and then one night when I least expected it, he would just approach me and initiate sex. It really turned me off.

He also drank, a lot. He couldn't often perform because he was drunk, which made sex, well, less than enjoyable.

And, toward the end of our marriage, I just didn't love him any more. He had threatened, and abused, and manipulated, and controlled, and put me through so much crazymaking that I fell out of love. I didn't want to have sex with him. By that time, it wasn't much of an issue because he had thrown me out of our bedroom and I was sleeping on the couch - for about 8 months.

And, as for these men you know...I'm thinking maybe you don't really "know" their whole story. If you would have asked most people who knew me, they would think my ex was a pretty good guy, and a decent husband. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors...

May 21, 2006
12:49 pm
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Cinimac...

I just wanted to say.. I really like what you've written. I read somewhere..that when you are healthy..you can leave someone with love..not hate. Even if you have so many reasons to hate. If you can look at the good that was there at one time..and know you have learned..I think that is when you can move on...

I really relate to what you've said..in regards to my exH. Although, he still irritates me..we really are good friends...we have both grown from being together...I'm really happy we were together..and I'm happy now that we aren't....

Love Soulsister

May 21, 2006
3:33 pm
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Jumpimg in too.

Can only speak for myself regarding not wanting sex from a partner.

Several factors contributed to me shutting down.

He worked sixteen hours a day so it felt to me that we became married strangers.

Rarely any kissing or hugging just for the sake of kissing during the day, or never any dancing while the supper cooked, and few smiles or laughter ... he want kinda the bam, slam, thank you maam so I would cringe on a Friday night when he would bring home flowers since the flowers were supposed to make the emotional distance of the week go away.

I lost respect for him because of the escapades and his behaviour when he was drinking (which was fairly often and I am a non-drinker). As a result I felt I was selling myself out if I shared sex with this person I didn't even like let alone love.

His touch did not electrify me or bring me alive and our kisses were few and perfunctory at best.

After nineteen years in this old relationship I found myself with a man who was a wonderful, carefree lover and realized that I wasn't a cold or unresponsive woman but that I needed a "relationship" with someone in order to relate sexually.

May 21, 2006
6:56 pm
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nopityparty
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cinimac- excellent
love the sex threads also.

I agree with many things said so far. Possibly she feels like a "vessel" or a piece of meat for his sex drive since he doesn't seem to PRIORITIZE quiet time with his wife.
As a thread tangent I think it goes both ways. Why don't men understand sex is a BIOLOGICAL need for women and isn't just emotionally fulfilling. I would KILL for my BF to seduce me and pay attention to me. It sends my fear flag up that i'm going to do something stupid if he doesn't start chasing after me and stop only touching himself.
So, yes, she should do more. But what should she do? Put on an outfit, say yes when she means no, bend over backwards? Come on...maybe your friend has unrealistic expectations in the bedroom and his "style" has left her feeling disgusted. What she should do is solve her own sex problem. And he and all of us should remember we can do nothing other than change our attitude, perspective, and approach.
ps-tell your friend not to threaten her with "my needs need to get met somewhere." That stuff is hurtful and pathetic.

May 21, 2006
7:30 pm
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mamac
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One peice of advice will cure all PLAY HARD TO GET!! She will notice.

May 21, 2006
7:57 pm
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I'll jump in here too......

I'm a male who is near the end of his second marriage. My sex life with each of my wives was great at times (mostly near the beginning), and very sparce at times too (near the end). They were totally different people and our sex lives, or lack thereof, were based on totally different dynamics. I have no basis for generalizing the behavior of all women based on my two (marital) relationships. In my limited experience, it's just not that simple.

Lt

May 22, 2006
4:14 am
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Cinamac
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We could write a little e-book with this thread- 101 reasons why women don't want sex! They are all legitamate answers! Of course I am kidding a bit here.

Women are 51% of the world's population, so to try and ask a question like why do women don't want sex implies that we don't. That is really a cliche, because we do...I do anyways. When the conditions are right- we are ok, our partner is ok and we are in sinc with the partner ....WE LOVE IT! Who wouldn't? Male impotency is on the rise, erectile dysfunction, and other sex inhibiting factors (a lot due to stress, anxiety, depression, etc), maybe we should be asking why males don't want sex. Or can't. There are millions of reasons, just like there are millions for women.

Thanks Soulsister...not many people understand when I still have compassion for my ex, but I do. Like your ex, he still irritates me (as I'm sure I irratate him), but we are working on becoming friends. Becasue Iwas a doormat for so long and there were no boundaries, with every boundary I assert, we move back one step, but forward two.

In short, I think when it is falling apart in the bedroom, the relationship is at risk. It is not enough to blame the other person. Why can't or won't the other person have sex with me (I think Alicat gives a god list to start with)? That one person is the good guy, and the other the bad guy will not help the relationship.

Only genuine reflection of your self, your mental, emotional and physical health and honesty to try and do what you can to solve it will help in the bedroom. If your partner is not willing to do the same...then you have a real problem.

All the best,

Cinamac

May 22, 2006
6:03 am
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I just wanted to jump in here...
I am now divorcing my husband..and Cinemac..you seem to have lived my relationship with him.
I am seeing another man now, and it is interesting that there are men out there that do not see women just want to feel that they are part of a 'relationship'...they don't want to feel no appreciation, that they are not partners, and that they are not worth their guys time to try and figure things out with them.

My stbx would not communicate with me, and for women, it is very difficult to feel love and passion with someone that does not value their feelings. Men are better at avoiding their feelings, women are not...once they start feeling resentful, it is hard to act like the sex pot that men want.

I am trying to enjoy this relationship with this man, for what it is worth, right now...because he shows the same behaviors as my stbx.
Lacks communication skills, does not want to talk about problems that I bring up, and runs from feelings like the plague...how long will it take for me to get resentful?
I don't know, but relationships take work on both parts...

and for some men, if the sex is not working, they do not think to fix the communication....and for some women if there is no communication and appreciation, there is no feelings of passion.

It is a difficult circle to break, but I would imagine, until both sexes comes to terms with their differences and start working from the others point of view....
the same ending will happen, and that is too bad, because ALL IT TAKES is a little work on both parts.

we just need to be aware of it.

nvr.

May 22, 2006
9:00 am
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Matteo
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Thank you much for all responses so far.

Although the title says "why women don't want sex?" it is not the same as to ask why all the women don't want sex. I wouldn't ask this question because I know it's not true. All what I was asking, was why women whose husbands are caring, and providing for them and their children dont want physical intimacy, and what might be the possible reasons. I thought that I didn't have to add that there was no any kind of addiction, no drinking or being stoned and wanting sex after, no physical abuse, either. And my question was more not about imagining possible scenarios but from the perspective of someone who was in relationship with a man who didn't have major emotional, behavioural, or whatever other problems as stated before, and still didn't feel like having sex, not only at the time of "fighting", but for months at time, even if everything else seems to be fine, (and the technique is good, which wife in second scenario admitted herself). I also understand that woman might be tired, but I would think that if she cares, loves and desires her husband, no matter what, she would have sex much more often than once every month or less. I don't expect that there would be the same reason or probably rather reasons in all cases. I was just hoping that there could possibly emerge some patterns from the discussion.

Again, I would like to thank for everybody's input.

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