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Why We Must Have NO Contact With a Sociopath
August 11, 2007
4:09 am
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marypoppins
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mzrella - I want to congratulate you on being brave enough to accept your responsibility in your relationships. I agree with you that we can learn from this honest look at ourselves and our motivation to stay in abusive relationships. In my childhood, I was scapegoated. My father raged and beat us, mostly me, and my mother was emotionally abusive. Yet I was blamed for their problems and their behavior. It was no leap for me to continue to take all of the blame in my adult relationships. However, by taking all of the blame, I believed it was completely in my power to make the relationship better. In my case, it is CRUCIAL for me to understand my role and take responsibility for my part. I will not call myself a victim because that weakens me and it's false. I was not locked up. I was not forced. On the other hand, I will not take TOTAL responsibility because I'm not responsible for my partners' behavior.

I have recently decided to divorce my husband, and he is moving out next month. I have been tolerating abuse from him for a variety of reasons, but I hit my limit. I regret that I didn't hit my limit earlier. It is my own fault for staying as long as I did, but now that I've taken a stand, I feel more confident. It's very empowering to realize I don't have to let certain people in my life, I don't have to continue to stay with them, and that I don't have to have a man in order to be happy. I don't have to hold on to a sick relationship because I'm too afraid to be alone. I don't want my daughter to feel pity for me, or to wonder why I allowed myself to be treated poorly.

If I continue to harp on the faults of my partners, I won't learn more about myself and how to be happy on my own.

Good luck to you, mzrella!

Mary

August 11, 2007
9:31 pm
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mzella- with my husband sometimes I feel like the pot calling the kettle black. In someways I am no better than him. I dont feel like I am a victim. His behavior in the past had been unacceptable by any standard. I am educating myself. It fixes me intellectually but not emotionally. Those 2 parts of my brain dont communicate.

August 11, 2007
9:33 pm
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Mary- You are Mentally Sound. You go girlfriend!!!!!!!!

August 11, 2007
10:38 pm
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Hi, all. TERRIFIC thread. Thank you, DestinyStar, for starting it...

I don't think my most recent ex is a sociopath. I think he's more of a narcissist. I see from several of the posts here that it is actually possible for someone to be both -- I did not know that.

I think the ex before him was DEFINITELY a sociopath. I ended up getting an order of protection against him. He never contacted me again, even after it expired. Thank goodness.

Butterfly -- my most recent ex always said that the reason he lost his temper at the drop of a hat was because he "grew up on the streets." Once, he even acted out a demonstration of how his father would beat him as a boy in an attempt to make me understand why he was the way he was. I felt compassion for him, but also could not understand why he wanted to remain the way he was when there was so much help available out there, and unlike me he would've qualified for Medicaid and all sorts of free therapy. He then turned round and shouted that nothing was wrong with him. Good grief. I hope that you are out of this relationship, Butterfly -- I know after writing this paragraph out I'm damned grateful I'm out of mine.

Ella -- I get those guilt feelings you describe as well, telling myself that I was the intolerant one who "wanted what I wanted when I wanted it." After all, that was what HE told me! I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting the person without the disease -- that's what it comes down to. I take it that yours would not get help for his addictions -- mine would not get help for his behaviour.

Lalasgirl, though I've never been married, I've been where you are (with my second most recent ex), and when I called back after his tearful messages he'd start right in on what "white trash" I was to be treating him this way. I ended up having to get a no-contact ORDER against that one. You stay strong and when you're hurting, any time of day or night, post here. We're all with you.

Lemoni. I LOVED what you wrote about the light and the energy. That bit I'm printing out to carry with me. And while I'm at it, I think I'm gonna go buy some sage and purify my apartment the way I did when I first moved in here. His energy is still very much here and as part of my un-cluttering of the place, which I wrote about on another thread, I think I need to take action to remove it.

Bizchick, I'm not a parent and so have no insight into your situation with your daughter; perhaps there is a thread on teenagers somewhere here where someone might've discussed these behaviours? There are a lot of threads here so it's possible...

We are ALL survivors! Thank you everyone -- this thread's helped me a LOT...

NE

August 11, 2007
11:37 pm
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Northeaster- I am glad you liked the thread. I thought a lot could benefit from it especially me. That is why i took the time to type it. The idea that LEMONI had about light and energy is true. It explained to me why I just sold a small home on 5 acres for next to nothing that had all of my husbands junk, crushed up beer cans, medications, crap from his X's. It was that negative energy that I had to get rid of. This property was quite valuable and for the love of money I could not keep it. but LEMONI explained why.

August 12, 2007
12:44 am
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Destinystar - Thank you! I see that you take a lot of time on this board to share and give support despite the fact that you're going through an extremely difficult time yourself. Some days, I don't feel I can give much of anything to anyone. You're a strong person. And I admire you for selling the house and the property. I only got rid of our bed! 🙂 You have been through so much and shared honestly each step of the way. Thank you again for your inspiration!!

Mary

August 12, 2007
12:50 am
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Northeaster-

Yeah, there was plenty wrong with me... too much to go into here. But I got help and stuck with it. My ex made many attempts to get help, but always ended up back on drugs. I can't get into his head. Was he making an honest effort? Who knows. Some people I've known have gone into rehab "when the drugs weren't working" only because they know the drugs will "work" when they go back on them- for a while. Was he doing that? I don't know. I try not to figure him out anymore, but the fact that I am here writing about him, that I think about him at all still really bothers me and makes me feel like my life has gone nowhere.

At very least, I am not in jail, or hospital, or dead. I already did the first two during that relationship... who knows what would happen next.

August 12, 2007
5:44 pm
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Mary- I am glad that I can write something useful. I am still involved with MR. Wrong. I have taken steps to end the business side of it. But emotionally I am still tied to him.

August 12, 2007
5:47 pm
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mz- my husband is in jail. Not cause of us or me cause of him. It is a very difficult situation. Its like here he was a monster one day then the moment he gets in jail he acts like Mr. Wonderful. Of course when he is in no position to carry out any of his promises. I pray God will give me the strenght to emotionally free myself from him.

August 12, 2007
5:54 pm
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Lala...I'm not squeeky clean either, I don't think anyone is. But sociopath likes to throw mud. Someone once said to me..ppl piss on you and then tell you, you stink if you'll pardon the phrase. but its true. I'm not perfect at all. But we try, we question ourselves and have a go at changing for the better. Thats why we are here talking together. Notice there are no sociopaths here trying to work through.
Mzrella, don't worry about thinking about him. It takes time. I still have dreams about him which is horrible bcoz I can't control that to easy and I wake up feeling like he is still here. And in a way he is until he just isn't if you get me. Sometimes you just got to let the waters wash over you and not struggle. We float better if we relax. It will pass..better tings to come.

August 12, 2007
5:58 pm
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Strength and grounding to destiny)))

August 12, 2007
6:19 pm
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destiny-

We are all in different situations and got there in different ways, without a doubt stayed there for differnt reasons. This reminds me of that quote about unhappy families... I had to google it to get it right-

"All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." - Tolstoy.

Yet, we can all relate to each other about some things, and certainly about the pain. It is good that we also can provide support for each other. This is a place of shared wisdom and comfort. I appreciate that a lot.

hugs,
ella

August 12, 2007
6:28 pm
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marypoppins
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well said, Ella, and Tolstoy...

August 12, 2007
10:14 pm
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mzrella- It is not easy. Dealing with my husband in jail and having to get a divorce.

August 12, 2007
10:45 pm
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Destiny-

I can only imagine. We almost got married, spent hours waiting at motor vehicles to get id, etc... that is one thing I can thank both of our substance abuse habits for at that time- we just couldn't pull it together to even get the proper id and pay for stuff to get a civic union.

My ex started stealing from me, first cash, then everything from electronics, to cds, to books, to clothes- anything he could sell. Don't know why I stuck with him long enough to make it stop, but then he went back to his old ways of making money- shoplifting, stealing from other people (I assume-though he would never admit this), male prostitution, and helping drug dealers make connections. What he would have put me through if we did get married- I can only imagine. I definitely would have ended up in jail (again) either defending myself again from domestic abuse, for hiding a fugitive (he always had warrants) or for possession because he would hide drugs when he was staying at my apartment.

My heart goes out to you. It is indeed easier legally for us unmarried women to get away from our significant others, though the emotional stuff is rough.

Conversely, I know people think there is something wrong with me for never getting married. Maybe they assume I don't like men. Quite the opposite, I like them too much. Maybe they assume I am deeply flawed. I guess there is. I made bad decisions. Wasted my mature years with men who were not good partners, in relationships that were unhealthy. I feel that ship has sailed for me. So I get tired of that conversation with rude and nosey people I just say "This is the direction my life has taken, things didn't turn out that way." I think also that most guys my age are hitched or dysfunctional. Maybe it's just New York.

The whole thing is giving me eating disorder tendencies. Or body dysmorphia according to others. I feel I need to lose 20 pounds, although I was 15 pounds HEAVIER when I had a lot of healthy boyfriends. Go figure. I don't know why I am invisible. I don't know where to go with this. Maybe now is not the time for me to be with anyone else, but I wouldn't mind a little flirtation every now and then. I don't even get cat calls anymore. Never thought I'd miss that.

Sorry, I'm going off on a tangent. I just don't like where my life has gone since that last man. Wow I must have been looking for trouble because I got it.

destiny, I wish we could hang out, have real coffee, go for walks or exercise, or shopping with all our aac friends. It would be nice to have friends outside the home like the women on this site wouldn't it?

I hope you have company to lean on during your hard times. It DEFINITELY doesn't sound at all easy.

hugs,
ella

August 12, 2007
11:02 pm
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yes, it would be nice to have you guys over to my place or meet at the french bakery. i certainly wouldn't be the one to be around if you are trying to lose weight....rich creamers, bacon & eggs...mmmmmmm.

aac writings are pulling me through an unbelievable time. but i read the same words that i am trying to say ( that are typed by different fingers )all coming to help in these threads.

each day i promise myself to be good to me....to get on with life and stop obsessing about what could have been...to stop beating myself up. all ya all have helped me one way or another. listening sharing and caring.

so if we stay in this sight just a little bit longer i know one of us will make it to the finish line and the rest of us will keep running along until we get it right too. words are gifts from you ladies & gents & thoughts behind those words are priceless.

August 12, 2007
11:13 pm
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ella- It would help if I could have friends that understood. But I dont. It would be so supportive instead of just being on my own. But being on my own is safer and saner than being with my husband. I have not actively pursued any man. I wouldnt mind. It would be a good distraction. It would be the best thing for me to cut the final ties to this man. I have lost weight. But now I want to make sure I look good. I had let myself go before. I was more than happy to show my husband how much better I looked. Success is the best revenge. Even though I am going through some hell i dont let him know. It is food to a sociopath. My husband didnt exactly steal but he lived in my house, ate my food, drove my car, for free. He was a parasite. I went to Nursing school in New York. Why did you go to jail? How was the experience? Did you stay a long time? Where you scared? Did the guy write, call, visit? I am lucky I didnt get put in jail the night he got arrested. The police told me to get in their car and I refused. He even hit himself in the face with a pair of shoes and threatened to call the police and say I did it just to get me in trouble. But I ran off and called the police and he left. He would sell me out at the drop of a hat.

August 13, 2007
3:54 am
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Destinystar-

First I should clarify- I was only arrested and spent ONE night in jail (not prison), which is more than enough in one life time.

At the time I had two apartments. Cheap rent. The old one was the only one I'd let my ex have keys to so he had somewhere to go during the day. Indicative of the level of trust huh? Both of the apartments that we stayed in were mine. At one point he paid rent on the downtown one, but stopped long before the incident. He had few belongings that were his besides some raggy clothes. Everything was mine, as I said the apartment was mine.

One night he never came home to the uptown apartment (where we slept). He was downtown smoking crack with a bunch of people in MY apartment. I was busy at home writing a paper all night, got about two hours sleep which I'm sure didn't help much with my judgement. Before I had to go to school I went to the downtown apartment to get my keys and kick him out. I didn't want any drugs in there, and I most certainly didn't want him drawing attention to the fact that he was using there by making noise with a lot of street addicts. I knew my neighbors might call the cops. I didn't want trouble. At that point I was clean.

But I didn't want to fail my paper, so I wrote it and waited until before school to go downtown. He was out of it. I asked him what happened, we started arguing, etc. He was obviously still fucked up. I got upset and took some of MY things and tossed them on the floor. I wasnt anywhere near him. He flew across the room, slammed me against the door and held my wrists, slamming me back and forth against the door so my head kept hitting it and my neighbors woke up all the way on the other side of the buiding hearing it thud. I got some bruises all over my ribs and arms somehow too that didn't show until the next day.

When he let go for one second I grabbed a small stick near me and said "Give me my keys" but he wouldn't. I should have just cleared out of there and gotten the cops.

This is where I went wrong. We ended up in the hallway still fighting. He was furious and wouldn't give me the keys. Kept swinging at me and I swung at him with the stick and hit his face. He was fine. But it left a little red mark like when you pinch your cheeks. What a calculating little shit- he ran downstairs and told some cops I beat HIM! They asked me what happened and like an idiot, I told them the truth. They said "Did you hit him?" I said "Yes, I had to." My neighbors were there, told them everythign.

They said, we know what is really going on here. You don't need to get arrested, but he has that mark on his face and by law if there are visible signs of injury we need to make an arrest. (I didn't have any. Yet.) They said if I gave him the keys I wouldn't get arrested. I said I would too, because he does drugs in there and it's MY apartment.

I wasn't thinking clearly. I could have gone outside with them and had him thrown out. There was nothing valuable in there. I was just so shaken up.

I thought they would take him in too, but I was idiotic enough not to press charges. He came to the court house and said he changed his mind but the DA said it was too late.

I got a public defender who helped, and then my own lawyer who specialized in women's issues and it was cleared pretty easily.

Jail was the easy part. The cops were very nice to me. They said they knew my bf was a creep. They seemed bored sitting on their shift so they were kind of chatty with me. It was fine. I was actually in a cell with a prostitute who "knew" my previous bf. We laughed a lot and made fun of him (another loser). It passed the time. After the mugshot, because i was on meds (which I think my bf told them so that the process would take longer), I had to go to hospital to get a dose, then I was given my own cell, separate from general population. I could talk through the bars to some girl next to me. She was nice too. Everyone has their problems.

I didn't sleep because I was upset and it was not comfortable. I wasn't scared, just pissed off and feeling helpless. It was dirty, but not too bad. They had one of those one piece toilet/sink/water fountain things that you see in movies. Can't say my heart bleeds for Paris. If I had done something like she did, I think a month in a place like that would be well deserved. My night there didn't discourage me from eventually reuniting with my ex, but now that I am away from him I am understanding what I did wrong. I should have RUN.

Yeah, funny how we carry them through thick and thin and when it comes down to the wire- like you said, they sell us out.

I have to remember this story more often when I am even wondering what would happen if I was still with my ex. Maybe I'd be in prison right now. Who knows what would have happened.

August 13, 2007
9:10 am
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hopeful for change
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I just looked up the definition of sociopath and my ex has alot of the characteristics and now I am wondering if he is one.

The things that bother me are this, he is very secretive and has weird tendencys like one time I found this box he kept locked and it had several pairs of women's underwear like conquests or nothces on the bed post so to say. Ok that is weird.

He is very vindictive but will not just come out and display his anger, he will wait and plot out his revenge and go back months later and do something secretivly to pay back someone he feels has screwed him over.

He does not claim responsiblity for his own crap, for example he get another dwi last summer and said it was my fault, because he was so upset over me because I left him.

He still lives with his mom but portrays he is taking care of her, but she is the one caring for him, she is paying the bills and even mows her own yard.

He doesn't see his alcholism is a problem, even though he's had dwi's repeatedly in his life.

When he pays child support to his kids he claims things like, I put her through college or I bought her a house (not me) with his 300 a month child support and he really believes this crap in his head.

He though claims I am the love of his life and he said forever and I am still alive, and he will never have another..and even all these years later is after me. But makes it so romantic and seem like deep genuine love, writes letters, poems songs.

He is obsessed like the other day someone told him about a party my friends and I were having, so he sat up all night imagining all these different men touching me etc and cried all night and was having anxiety attacks.

He has this really romantic loving side, that almost borders or does border on stalking or obsession.

But when I read up on sociopath it said they don't have the depth of love.

He is very anti-social, and very quiet talker, it seems like he is always listening to what people say and judging them or planning something.

When he got this chic pregnant with a one night stand with twins, he blamed her and went into a depression for years and started doing drugs, as if its her fault she won't have an abortion and took no fault of his own. Then just refused to have anything to do with the babys for years and even dna test proved they were his.

Ok I could go on and on, but just from these examples that freak me out and red flags to me, do you think this is the case or something else.

thanks hopeful

August 13, 2007
9:24 am
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mzrella- Thank you for sharing your story. I know my husband would sell me out in a heart beat. He never protected or provided for me. I just wrote him a letter. Told him he had no choice but to change (look where he is at jail). Now he needs me (he didnt before) asked him what he had to offer. Another member (Rising) kind of gave me a reality check and spelled out the situation to me. I am doing what I can to mentally get fit. Just dont want him in my house again. Learned my lesson. He would come and go and if he gave me money for rent it just went towards the food he ate, the utilities he used, the gas from driving around. Not towards any of my expenses. Not impressed with a man that can bring home beer everyday and dog food but not a crumb for me. Once in a while he did throw me a bone (LOL). My mind knows he is wrong. But my heart Knows he only causes pain. Wish I could just let go of him 100%. It is a process. I cant wait till its over (in my mind).

August 13, 2007
9:29 am
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Hopeful- He sounds like one. Rationalizing is a common defense mechanism. Accepting responsiblity isnt one of them. Alcoholism and drug use is a common thread that seems to run along these types. They will find any excuse to use and drink, the most convienat one being pissed off at their mate. They are the ones who choose to purchase the drugs and alcohol and then to put into their mouth. The Romantic side is shown only when they need u to fullfill their needs only when they are in pain. They do not have a romantic side when you have a need or are in pain.

August 13, 2007
10:05 am
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I am new to this but after reading all of this, this is REAL interesting. I am dealing with a guy I have been dating for almost 5 years. Left his wife for me, blah, blah blah. Needless to say he has not moved forward in any way but through a very nasty divorce. That has caused us much heartache. I am tired of waiting, and ONLY comes around when he doesn't watn to lose me. But when he has me he is hardly ever around, doesn't do anyting wiht my kids. But when I want t leave, he is there for EVERYTHING, it doesn't last long. HE does wonderful tings for me and then later when things get back and I want to walk again he blames me for all the good he has ever done. Makes me feel guilty. HE told me it was my fault he left his wife. HE tells me I have three children and I am getting older every day and I wont be beautiful forever. Man I am so messed up. Any advice?

August 14, 2007
4:42 am
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Tell him he's right and advice him to go back to his wife. The sooner the better.

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