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Why the shame and blame?
December 1, 2003
2:53 pm
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whtdaises
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The pain bottled upon my soul is so heavy that I feel ashamed for allowing it there. for allowing it to take energy away from my self and my children. He didn't show to not one of my softball games, he hid a trip to Hawaii from me, he didn't call on my son's (who has passed)birthday. I have been seeing him, but no one in his life knows about me.......what is wrong with me? Why do I fight so hard to keep someone that is so closed to my needs. I loose control and yell and scream at him only to cause complete negative chaos and turmoil for us both. It is a vicious cycle, he will show me attention and I am back in loosing control over my self respect. How does this stop? where does this end? When I wake up in the morning and I feel ashamed and I blame myself for the episode. It is always all my fault. My attention goes to him, not to me, not to the children...to him. Where is he, what is he doing...but most important, Why can't he love me? I need to win and make him love me the right way because that is what I deserve. What I deserve is to know when I am not being loved, and to walk away praying that He will find a way to love someone in His future. But I can't, I need help....

December 1, 2003
2:58 pm
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Ladeska
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Just curious, what was your relationship with your father like?

December 1, 2003
3:19 pm
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andypandy
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How old are your children? If they are very young..you must get a grip and focus on THEM. They are the ones who will suffer, but I understand completely that if you are out of control, you are unable to do the right thing, but you must! This too happened to me and I oh so regret the day that I put finding someone to love me over me loving my kids and myself...my kids ended up living with their father and luckily he was a better person than me and they were in better hands anyway, but the pain of knowing I wasn't the one who was tucking them in, helping with their homework, making them dinner,etc...yet, I could not put them first and guess who is last now that they are older and wiser? Not that this is your situation, but things just turn upside down when we are out of control. Peole will treat you only the way you allow them too. It is up to you to determine how you expect to be treated and mean it.
It seems like the person you speak about only cares about himself.

December 1, 2003
3:57 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Hi, I, like andypandy ended up letting my 11-year-old daughter live with her father, because I moved way out of her school district, and she was so distraught over it all. She will be 17 in January. All because I was so very glad that I thought some man finally loved me. It is something that I will regret until the day I die. I still cry and long for that time I missed with her, the spontaneous giggling fits over something the kitties did or something on TV. Believe me, it was not worth it. The guilt I carry with me will never be gone. The time with her can never be replaced. Makes me cry just to think about it. So, so sorry this man doesn't love you as he should. I wish I could help, but it saddens me so that I can only say that I will pray for you that you will find the strength to care more about YOU, and the rest will fall into place. Not an easy thing to do by a long shot, but better than the misery than you're in now. No one, and I do mean no one deserves your love and attention more than your children.

Please don't go through the misery of knowing you could have been a better mother. For me, there has never been a bigger burden of grief, guilt, and regret. It will be the same for you. What misery, unable to change a thing. Don't wait until it's too late. It's unbearable. I have come very close to suicide several times because of this type of situation but just couldn't hurt my family (parents, chidren, and the few friends I have that love me).

WHTDAISES,,,,you sound so distraught, and I so very much feel your sadness. Keep talking to us please. We'll help you all that we can. W

December 1, 2003
4:19 pm
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andypandy
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Wanttobewell....exactly, exactly, exactly how I feel. The guilt is so overwhelming at times that all I can do is cry and cry. We cannot turn back time, so I keep telling myself to pick up from here and keep going, but it's those horrible guilt wrenching moments when I think back at how I chose "the man of the moment" over my kids. I still don't have them in my life as they should be, I live over an hour or so away from them, but I feel close to them, though, not as it should have been.

WHTDAISES---not to push medication, but have you spoken with a professional about anti-depressents?
Sometimes the chemicle imbalance in our brains just won't let us get a grip and think logically. I too will pray for you and your kids.

God Bless.

December 4, 2003
3:11 pm
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whtdaises
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I am a good mother, I know, but I can be better. I never really had any parents, my father became my hero only after he died. I let go of this man and I am happy for a couple of days, then I fall back down wrenched with the feeling of loss and despair. I have been on antidepressant for three years after I loss my son in an accident. They weren't working anymore, they didn't change these feelings that I am feeling. I long for adult love, something I have only experience one in my life and that was when Me and this man first met, I feel like if I let go, I won't love again and I won't be loved again. I have to go teach a class, but I will be back later, thank you so much for the support.

December 4, 2003
5:15 pm
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unhappy camper
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I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

You are hyper-aware and hyper-vigilant of him and his moods and desires. You have lost your identity. You will suffer until you find it again.

Reading the threads here will give you insights. Read and follow the suggestions. Read "how you become prey to a charmer/abuser" thread first.

December 4, 2003
6:58 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Whtdaises,,,I forgot to tell you that I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. Please excuse my oversight. It was just that the rest of your story hit so close to home that I overlooked everything else. I know you're a good mother. I also know how you feel about letting go also and about adult love. Reading these threads, as unhappy camper suggested, is a good idea. It has helped me some. But it will take some time for me and probably for you too.

Andypandy,,,It's horrible isn't it. If you read my thread, Please, I need help, you'll get a better idea of how truly codependent and pathetic I am. I don't want to feel sorry for myself for a situation of my own making, but sometimes I don't care if I live or die.

Whtdaises, I didn't mean to interrupt your thread. To me, life is so scary alone. I used to not think so, but the older I get the worse I am about not wanting to be alone. I don't think my antidepressant is working anymore either. I'm not sure if I even want to take one anymore. I believe sometimes they mask our real emotions, and we can't really see the clear picture, but that's just my opinion. It's probably different for everyone. I was pretty much suicidal and couldn't do anything but cry about 2-3 years ago. All of the bad choices I made seemed to hit me all at once. Maybe a new one would be helpful. I'm on Effexor now and have tried to get off of it, but I get a strange buzz in my head and get very sick when I try to taper off, so this may be hard to do. I check in here often, so keep writing.

December 4, 2003
9:24 pm
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whtdaises
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Wanttobewell,
Thank you for your response, I can't afford counciling because I am a single mother and a Teacher with no child support, so it was really helpful to find everyone here. My son died in a drowning accident 8 years ago. He was eight months old. It changed my whole world. Antidepressants do mask emotions and are difficult to get off, they are most helpful when you cannot stop the tears and pay attention to life around you. I need to feel the pain to recover from it. The childhood abuse that I experienced is so overwelming that it is difficult to face but I need to so I can take care of that little girl inside that thinks that she is constantly being bad. My emotional reactions are overwelming for anyone but mostly for this man. Everytime I stick up for my beliefs I wake up the next morning thinking I am a bad girl and I deserve to be punished so I punish myself with guilt, blame, and depression. Even though I know the fights are not all of my fault, I take all the blame and I am begging and apoligizing my little heart off. He eats this up and plays the I am going to ignore you game which drags my heart deeper into the gutter of depression and I freak and feel abandoned the way I have been so many times by my mother, (who choose alcohol and drugs to the point that at age 6 I was kidnapped by one of the many men she "dated". I do not speak with her anymore. My dad was sick and I was the caregiver, after all the years of caring for him, he died at age 42. Then my son left me and I still pray that god will send him back somehow someway. I cannot handle when people leave me, I fear abandonment. Even my step-mom called my fatso in high school, (I was 120 5'8" and a cheerleader)now I am still thin but everyday is a fat day. I ask one night why she couldn't love me like a daughter. I do not even remember her pathetic answer. So as you can see, there is soo much that has been done to me, that I cannot even figure out where I need to start. I was the most loving child and it didn't matter. I used to think that God was just making my childhood hard because he was going to make my adulthood beautiful.....not so. I pray for him to take this man out of focus for me, but everytime I think I am doing better, I fall again. How many more bandaids can I fit on this soul of mine, I do not know. If it wasn't for my overwelming goal to be the mom I never had, I would be dead, I am positive of that. Sad but true, they give me the reason to live and to smile, they give me courage and I am more codependent on them then anything. Why does it have to be so hard, to hurt so bad that you can't breath? Where is the break? I need someone to hold my hand because right now if you look my name up in the dictionary the only thing you will see is the names of my children.........I want me.

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