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why so I still feel pain from being molested when i was 5
November 9, 2006
4:28 pm
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D27
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Oh lolli, about her not remembering, she drinks a lot. I think she can remember more than she wants to.

November 9, 2006
4:41 pm
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D27
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turnabout after going thru the events that happened with my mom I can easily say your right. It was an even bigger betrayal because she took it so much further even after he left. I will look up PTSD. This is a lot for one person to deal with. Thanks very much.

November 11, 2006
4:03 am
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cpt1212
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D27, Lolli, Rev, everyone else,

I also have a similar past history of abuse. I have been flirting with it in therapy, but can't really talk about it and still find it difficult to write about. I just want to thank you all for sharing here. It was good for me to read.

November 11, 2006
8:53 am
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hopeful for change
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I will try to tell you why it still hurts. It wasn't just an event that happened that you can forget like oh I wrecked the car. When someone does something like this to you when you are a child, it changes who you are. It changes everything. When people that you love hurt you so deeply and destroy you, it is devastating. It kills your childhood, your youth, your innocence, your trust, your self worth, your self esteem, your self imagine, your ability to trust and love and receive love.

I have been in the same situations.

I did go to alot of counseling about it. I still think at 36 there are lingering effects because, its not a part of my life now...but "these events" changed me into the person I have become. Both for the bad and the good.

I did excersizes where i screamed yelled hollered, wrote letters. I've done it all.

The guy is dead now, and it didn't make me feel any better either. I actually saw him on his death bed. It was my grandfather. I was in that room, he didn't know who I was or his kids etc - then a relatives young daughter about the age of six walks in the room, and he starts calling her by my name. I couldn't believe it.

How would our lives have been differnet without these events...well we will never know. When we let them still hurt us, we are becoming the abuser to ourselves. The toughest thing I have ever learned is forgiveness. And I have forgave alot of people and at moments forgave my grandfather, but I know that holding it in there changes us and hurts us. We have to let it go.

I did read a book that was very helpful just last year called homecoming. I read about it on this site. I hope you can get a chance to read it.

hopeful

November 11, 2006
12:46 pm
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D27
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Well after reading writing and questioning things about my past I dicovered a trigger in my present. My boyfriend. Hes addicted to porn(wont admit it)and some of the things we do give me the same bad feeling that I had when I was being abused.

The horrible thing about it is that he says he's not going to change the way we have sex so I should just deal with it or leave(I live with him). I don know how I got involved with such a monster that he would even say those words to me.

So even though Im a little afraid to be out there alone, Im gonna leave him and I WILL NOT do anything that I am not comfortable with anymore and that's a promise to myself. I CAN say NO!!! now and I know that's its Ok.

So much love and (((hugs)))) to everyone here. Thank You all so much!!!

November 11, 2006
6:05 pm
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turnabout
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Wow, D27. That's a huge revelation, isn't it!

Awareness is such a wild thing. It's scary venturing into it b/c there's this sense that it will change things, but we don't know how. Will it validate us or them? So we approach it timidly and warily, just a little at a time in order to try keeping some power and control in our lives. We don't want awareness to make us responsible for decisions we fear being unable handle, and yet awareness itself ends up giving us the power to handle them!

But no one can know this until they are on the other side of awareness... until they are willing to open that door...

November 14, 2006
3:44 pm
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lolli
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D,

wow... your mom telling you to "hang around more with your brothers..." makes me so angry!!!

that is a lot of responsibility put on them. it was their responsibility to protect you from the abuse?

you must have been so frightened. because they were just kids too. how could they possibly have been able to adequately protect you? i bet they've got a lot of healing to do from all of this as well.

have you talked to your brothers about the abuse? are they able to talk to you about it?

maybe they remember the man you are thinking of prosecuting. maybe they can help fill in some of the blanks in your memory. maybe they have their own stories that need to be told. maybe you can be there for each other? maybe not... but they might surprise you (in a good way).

((((D)))) you will get through this. we're all here for you.

November 14, 2006
3:54 pm
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lovetocrochet
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D, I totally understand being angrier at your mother. I think it has to do with believing she should have protected you more, especially if she knew... and she failed to do something about it. I know how this is because I've been there too, as I've mentioned before.

Some argue that many mothers are in a position being helpless to do anything, I really believe in my situation that isn't the case. In fact I question it in a lot of situations, though with how law and society are it's hard to say if a mother doesn't feel like she has to choose between the lesser of two evils 🙁

You may benefit from reading "Secret Survivors" by E. Sue Blume. Really hits the nail on the head about how deeply incest/sexual abuse affects us. The fact that this was your stepfather makes it incest, because he was in a position of trust and authority.

I am SO glad you are taking action with your boyfriend. You are right, you do NOT have to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing... and as they say, it's better to be alone than to wish you were.

November 14, 2006
5:36 pm
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D27
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lolli its seems that all this family drama has skipped my little brother. He says he doesnt remember any of the stuff me and my older brother remember. But I understand if I was 5 he had to be 3 so how would he remember? My older brother on the other hand he absolutly hates her/loves her. meaning he has attacked her physically shouting "u put those men before me!" So he and I would be on the same page.

lovetocrochet I did feel sorry for my mom in the beginning but not anymore. Having a difficult childhood does justify abusing or allowing your children to be abused. My childhood was horrible and my children are the most loved, hugged, and spoiled little children on the earth. Y because I love them more than I love myself and my mom was suppose to give that same love to me. Shes an adult and shes been an adult since I've known her. I will not let her make an excuse for what she helped put me through.

And my boyfriend, its hard to take advice from someone that is apart of the problem. I often dont even talk to him about it because he tries to make the actual molestation much smaller than my mothers betrayal so he can go on with his disturbing sexual ways. I DONT THINK SO! Yes im pissed off at my mother but that does not lessen the crime.

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