Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
WHY should I struggle? Matteo
January 7, 2006
1:51 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am not even sure what and how to say it. I knew since October that my mother is a Narcissist, but only now I am getting really pissed off and angry. I know my anger is counterproductive, totally pointless and doesn’t change a thing. But I really would like to thank her wholeheartedly how she fucked my life, pushed me to relationships as early as possible to get rid of me, how she launched me for a fiasco, and then blamed me for the failures of my failure partners. How I never was good enough in her eyes, just like in theirs, and so on, and on, and on. That is just one thing.

Then, considering that I spent my whole life so far restlessly trying to repair the damage she did, and then I fell straight into the same, so comfy and cozy and familiar situation, why should I struggle? Why should I struggle and deny myself contact with the person who feels the closest to me AND who accepted me for who I am, unlike my mother, while I am her flesh and blood?

The only way to keep away from contacting him is by writing my letters here, and in the light of quite a few posts here, hmm, do I really want to be judged for my feelings by complete strangers who have no way of comprehending them and relating to them? Yeah, it is an Internet and everyone can read and is free to judge what is said here, and I shouldn’t even care about it. But do I prefer him to know about them, just one person, or the rest of the world, which in his majority is uncaring, indifferent, and judgmental at its best. I met so many caring people on this site in a number I never met before – but how much sense it all makes...I don’t know anymore. I thought that by posting here I make others to relate and to heal, not make them feel better about themselves, because I am on hard core drugs, and they are only on diet pills, if you know what I mean.

I know that my love for him will not change anything, will not generate anything in return; I don’t expect anything anymore form him or anyone. If he will not call, and I am sure that he will not if I ask him to, I will be fine; it really doesn’t matter where do I send it, doesn’t it?

As a reward for my constant labour on my self esteem, self acceptance and happiness life gave me a beautifully carved golden box...Pandora’s Box! I feel total pity for myself today, doubt in everything and everybody, myself included. Anybody out there in slightly better mood, who cares to respond, will be appreciated. Probably.

January 7, 2006
2:08 pm
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo:

I first read this and said OMG that was my dad, we are alike!!
Im sorry but i am in no better mood than you are, im a total mess today and am quite tired of being the failure..

So i to have been struggling, i look at everything in my life and now try to see what it was i had accomplished,"absolutly nothing"
I have two kids, one who is 20 and thinks she knows it all..With a 1 year old baby, whom her father and step mom are raising..

And a 4 year old who will probably be just as screwed up if i dont get the heck out of this marriage im in..

but then im thinking, my dad will ride me like no tomorrow about how i am such a failure about this, and every one..
He had my mom kick me out at 16, i wanst even ready, i had no clue, but since i had a boyfriend alot older, "see ya"" was what i got, and my spral begun, 3 marriages,several broken bones, many many many nights crying trying to figure it all out, 2 children, i will and have raised on my own, and nothing to show..

hell I went to culinary school, i even had to quit that because i couldnt keep up..

I tell you, i am so in the same mood you are, im so drained from crying..
sad arent we??

{{{{Matteo}}}

Love Kasie

January 7, 2006
2:22 pm
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Matteo: I have been reading your posts and can relate as I split from an N (who also lives in my complex) and my mother is an N. I didn't know about N's, codependency, all the personality disorders, etc. until I found this site and have learned so much about my self. That is all I consider important now. I no longer care about the N- finally got him out of my system, more or less- and now realize my mother's influence on my ENTIRE life and, yeah, it pisses me off.

I have to keep her at arms length- I can hardly stand to listen to her. I feel like a child when I have to speak to her- and bite my tongue. I didn't speak to her for 8 years- she has never apologized and will never acknowledge the things she has done. She is now raising my neice and it scares the s**t out of me to see her shaping another human being to be like me or my sister (who is homeless).

She always had something negative to say about my past bfs- he's too old- he's too this- he's too that- and here I am alone and probably always will be (have you read the thread on Children of N's?).

I have let go several friends, as I have been ont this journey, realizing my friendships were also unhealthy and didn't make me happy. So now all I have is my own company. I have to wonder if I am better off now- alone- or when I actaully had a bit of a social life.

I can't say I am in a better mood that you are- I have just accepted this state of being, at least for now.

I will never go back to the N- it is hard to see him w/ dif women and be so disreadred by him- but I realize who he is and what he's about. I just wish I didn't feel his presence everyday. Getting involved w/ him is one of the worst things that has even happened in my life. The only thing I can thank him for is putting me on the track to learn about my life and how I have arrived where I am. Although its not a particulary pretty or happy place, I understand it more.

I am very thankful I never took him up on offers to "come over." I don't ever want to feel that pain again. I'm still healing and someday hope to be content again- not happy- just content. That's all I can hope for.

I hope your day improves. Sometimes, at least for me, it helps to get out of the environment you're in for awhile to clear the head- take a short walk, shop, clean, etc. I know you know all of that- just hard to do when in a funk.

(((Matteo))) SD

January 7, 2006
2:28 pm
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo:

As you know, my life is also littered with N's. I am so sorry if I made you feel at all insecure about posting your letters here, by misunderstanding what Artist 2 was doing. That was my fault, and I really didn't understand.

I think that when we do post letters to our ex's instead of (or in addition to) mailing them, all others should exercise great care in responses. The matter is just so close to the heart. I totally appreciate the responses I received, and was ready to hear them, however, I had already mailed the letter.

Perhaps it would be helpful to clarify for everyone when writing whether or not you are open to comment on it or not. Or what kind of feedback you are exactly looking for: consolation, editing, etc.

LL

January 7, 2006
2:46 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lass, sweetheart, it is not you who made me uncomfortable about those letters, quite opposite. I am with you on that, and by the nature of this site everyone should be prepared to receive responses; I wrote about it in artist's post. No Lass, you never made me uncomfortable, you were so helpful, your posts and openness, and your struggle, your brave and loving heart, thank you, no need to apologize.

January 7, 2006
2:53 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((kasie919)))),

I hear you so well, pushed away at 16, because the partner is older? How can you be ready at 16??? Wouldn't you be extremely worry if your 16 year old had older boyfriend - instesd of kicking her out and relying on him to do the rest of the parenting??

You are right, get out before your relationship will affect your little one... At least someone can be saved!

Thank you so much for responding!

January 7, 2006
3:05 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sdesigns,

I didn't know that your ex is N! or your mother! you just echoed my thoughts: now realize my mother's influence on my ENTIRE life and, yeah, it pisses me off

Yeh, and what can you do about it?? I am so tired of this struggle, and frankly I am afraid of myself; it seems like there are no healthy people around in regards with dating. I rather stick to G. who is not that bad, considering, then start another semi-happy, semi-loving, semi-satisfying relationship. If he was free, I wouldn't think twice...but he is not, and I don't think he will ever be...

I cannot complain, I have a few really devoted friends, who don't smoke, but not much of a social life, either...

From what I read, IN is pretty rare, and it seems like you were as well? It is good to know someone in the same shoes; heavy boots, should I say? Thank you for responding. Maybe you are right, maybe I should take a break. I hate weekends. Hugs.

January 7, 2006
3:06 pm
Avatar
snowlover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo,

I wish I knew what to say to you about your situation. Im still unsure of my parents were N, but I think perhaps they were. Im now in the process of trying to seperate from an N, so Im definitely not in a place to ffer any sound advice, as i cant even seem to follow all the wonderful advice given here.

All i can really say is, from all i read from your posts here, you seem like a very wise person, very compassionate for others, and very much wanting to improve and change your situation. I always look forward to reading what you have to say, as I usually see some sort of an angle I hadnt considered before.

I do hope you are able to find a resolution to the situation you are in, and will keep you in my prayers.

Snow

January 7, 2006
4:27 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

snowlover,

I appreciate your kindness, I really need it today...

Thank you for the prayers, maybe this is what I need to get out from this labyrinth; I never dare to pray, unless thanking for something, once I did, it turned out like a bad joke, I don’t ask for anything since then.

My anger turns into sadness and apathy...It is so hard to break free if it was ingrained in you since childhood, when you have to fight tooth and nail for every bit of self-esteem, while it was generously put on a silver platter in front of others. Well, at least in front of some...

I know that you are struggling with same issues – no contact, etc. But I am really not sure, is it really worth it? I am trying to be truthful to myself, but at the same time I am engaging in his games, I operate within his standards. Or do I?

Take care, Snow, all the best with following the good advice!

January 7, 2006
5:18 pm
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo,

THis really struck me as I can feel some frustration and anger that I go through too--a parents job is to protect and care for, not to condition or self-seek through. MLy father is a NP and it is sort of a bittersweet (I use that word a lot lately don't I?) realization to know that we are not what we where raised by even when we seek it out.

It is unfair on so many levels to have to know we where not doen right by AND to have to cope with not knowing how to do right by ourselves . What parents could let us out there not armed with the skills to love and respect ourselves?

Reparenting is indeed a rough road to walk and I think a lot of it for me anyway is allowing myself my own experiances and allowing and SYPATHIZING with my own pain. Do you spend some time saying to yourself "Matteo, it is so sad that you are going through this"? I see you doing it here, saying it is unfair that your mother made for you the choices that led you to love in the way you do now and have to deal in the way you do now, that's a big thing. I have a really hard time with it myself, just aknowleging and saying "that's not fair, that was wrong". I gloss it over with a lot and never just let myself feel BAD because it sucks. TO me this is very insperational and sets a good example. Thanks.

January 7, 2006
6:47 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

exoticflower,

Thank you for responding, although you don't have the best day today, either.

It took me very long time not to gloss over it; even when I faced it in October that she is N, I got angry only now. Even though I understood in October that I was literally programmed, that I had all the IN characteristics which determined my choices in my entire life, my behaviour and the attitude towards my ex's, and this omnipresent feeling of oddity until I met G., even though I still was glossing over not letting it get to me, not to get angry.

Honestly, I don’t know what caused me that I was able to walk away from my relationships. Was that love of other people in my childhood, or that the relationships were so bad – but differently bad that the one with my mother. In my mother’s house everything seemed to be nearly perfect, nice and shiny. No fights, no addictions, very hard working husband and great mommy, so it was double difficult to get even a sense of that something is not right. I know that some knew, but many didn’t. And for me it was the only environment I knew.

Ha! G. is the one who inflicted so much pain on me, not her – right? I should be angry with him, right? In order to heal from N relationship – you have to get angry, and I cannot force myself to get angry with him. Instead of this I am furious with my mother. Right now I am sure that his role is so insignificant in comparison to her; he did me a big favor by totally accepting me in the beginning, and absolutely convincing me about my worth, and then by leaving me - served as a tool to my self discovery, made me look for a key to my Pandora’s Box.

Believe me, for the longest time I didn’t realize that it was something ingrained in me; I thought that I just made bad choices – as you said – total confusion, blindfolded and trying to find a right path. But the sooner you open this darn can of worms, the better, you will have more time to heal and more life to live, and the parents’ victory over you will be that much less.

January 7, 2006
9:35 pm
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo,

Thank you for your sweet words. They touched me. I hope and pray you are doing some better now?

Your writing in the last post was really intriguing to me. There is a lesson in everything. Important ones even.

I, too, suffered with anger and resentment at my mother for many years, and well into sobriety. What finally helped me was to put up some healthy boundaries between us. I told her I was a person of delicate health and to stop "expecting" from me. I would think long before a commitment to be there. I would only give what I had to give and wanted to give and no more. I would not give beyond what I had.

I found that with these new boundaries, she began to respect that I had a life, that I had something important to me going on, and to lay off the judgment. She even called once and said that she was sorry for having asked me to do something for her when I have a life of my own. She acknowledged that before she died. What a blessing.

For me, what helped, was two things: First, she apologized for having messed up my life, following my divorce from an abuser.

Second, I came to believe that she did the best she could with what she had at the time. I really got this at a core level. This is a family legacy. What happened to her was likely even worse, certainly just as bad.

I came to realize how much I chose to dance to her tune of approval, disapproval, advice, judgment, condemnation, disrespect, pushiness, meanness, disregard. I CHOSE to. Oh, ick.

I began to make my own choices. I am not here on this planet to live up to her expectations and she isn't here to live up to mine.

FFhhhhhhhPPPPTttttthbbbttt. Fftthhhbbtt!!! Thumb at nose, waving. I blew off her approval. It was very freeing. WE started to have a real relationship after that. I was no longer the good girl, the dutiful daughter. I let her know I smoked, and I stopped hiding.

I hugged this woman for twenty years before she hugged me back. I always knew she would, but had no timetable to my expecting. I just did my part and didn't worry about hers.

Hope this helps, sweets.

LL

January 7, 2006
9:39 pm
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo,

i'll tell you something interesting, it JUST occured to me that I think of my father in god like status OR that he thinks fo him saelf in godlike terms last month even though I have been healing from him emotional and physical abuse for months.

We ARE human, we are HURT. I would be much more concerned from you hwere you not nad find HUGE insperation and admiration in the fact that as an adult you are.

All my love, ef

January 8, 2006
11:11 am
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lass,

Thank you for your response. I managed to distance myself physically and finally emotionally a while ago already, but for the longest time she had a tremendous influence on my life, and I was listening to what she has to say, until I realized how toxic her constant criticism is. I was listening to what she had to say, because this is what you should do, right? – listen to your mother. Recently we spoke on the phone (probably around a half a year ago – which is recent in our relationship) and she told me that I do something wrong, something she has no clue how do I go about, and I ask her: “how do you know that I am doing it wrong, you have no idea what do I do?” She responded: “I assume.” Just like you, I let my mother’s approval go long time ago.

Her life was never bad, quite the opposite. She always did and still does well, and is quite content. I guess she did her best in raising me when my father was alive. She had me because she wanted to be married to my father, who had money and social status, was very easygoing and loving person, and was almost never at home, but after he died, when I was almost 15, I realized that I lost both parents. I became unnecessary burden, and she did everything to get rid of me as fast as she could.

She is fun to be with, she has a sense of humour, and is witty, but I cannot really imagine myself developing new kind of relationship with her, neither would I want to. I am really glad, that she lives very far away. I was not very angry with her, but always resentful, and I still am. I notice that the longer we are apart, the more I can see through her, and she appears to me as pretty pathetic figure. I guess no contact is a good approach.

Having said that I have no idea what to do with my NC with G. I am quite confused and I am seriously pondering continuation of one-way contact with him. What do you think?
And thank you for your prayers, Lass.

January 8, 2006
11:27 am
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

exoticflower,

Thank you. Yesterday I finished responding to your first answer on my thread and saw your second post, and almost choked. I really hope that you are feeling better today. Please don't think about it! All the best.

January 8, 2006
4:30 pm
Avatar
free spirit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo,

I am reading and processing your thread and thinking about my feelings about my twisted relationship with my own mother.

It makes complete sense to me that you would be angry at her - I think you almost have to grieve the relationship and that is one of the stages! After all, she did not meet your needs growing up through absolutely no fault of your own.

I too, have difficulty with my mother who is basically unavailable to me for a loving, caring relationship.

Hopefully you (and I) can work through the stages and grieve the relationship and eventually come to a peace and acceptance of it all. I am far from it myself although setting firm boundaries and limits has helped and the support of friends has helped as well.

Can I ask you why you would consider one-way contact with G? Would the contact be from you to him? Would it be healthy for you?

best regards,

free spirit

January 8, 2006
5:41 pm
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo,

Having been engaging in about one contact per month for the past three months, I would have to say that I did the wrong thing pursuing him. Of course, if you are not sure yet what a bad idea this is, you can follow my path!

It did help me to say my piece, even without a response except his 'popping up at meetings'. HOever, even this morning I had to tell myself, "He already knows that what he did hurt you. And if he still doesn't know, is that unaware, telling him won't make any difference."

Deep inside lays the desire for him to turn around and be loving toward me. It ain't gonna happen. If he could have he would have already.

LL

January 9, 2006
2:42 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

free spirit,

Thank you for your response. Yes, it really does seem like I have to grieve this relationship all over again. This is what pisses me off, because I accepted her lack of love for me quite a while ago, and I put this whole issue on the highest shelf in a box, so I didn’t have to even remember about it, and now the whole mess is in my face, lying on the floor in front of me and waiting for me to clean it up. It scares the hell out of me, that if I will have to go through my other relationships after, my life will be too short to get to the point where I will have a piece of mind.

Why would I consider a one-way contact with G., and if it would be healthy?
There are several reasons why would I consider.

First of all for the first time in my life after I met him, I totally became true to my feelings, meaning that I stopped worry, if others will or won’t accept them, like them, frown upon them, or condemn them. My mother taught me that my feelings are wrong, that I shouldn’t have them, because they are wrong or misplaced or stupid and that I shouldn’t be feeling that way. Because she doesn’t. What I am talking about to him, are my most intense and secret feelings. You can call it codependency, or unconditional love or anything in between, but I really don’t want them to be judged by others who feel like my mother did, just because they don’t, never did, or never will feel the same way as I do, because they don’t understand and/or cannot relate. I thought that this site is a safe place to express them, but I don’t feel that way anymore.

Secondly, it really doesn’t matter where I will send them, here or to him, if he doesn’t respond. He can block my e-mail and get rid of the whole issue, and I wouldn’t even know about it.

Then he is the one I fell closest to; what he made me face within myself affects him to certain degree as well, so why not letting him know about it? It seems only fair.

Lastly I don’t want to leave him. I want him to leave me alone, but I want him to know that there is a consistency in his life, that there are things in life or people; others can count on, well depending on how you look at it, because death might be seen as a betrayal as well. I would like to develop very different relationship with him. I cannot be with him, and I never will most probably, and for sure not ever if he is with someone else. I will never be a “sloppy seconds” as Alicat called it, we both know it. I don’t expect him to start loving me or anything like this, but I do believe that I can have, maybe very little, but some positive influence of him. And if because of that people around him will not get hurt, that’s a good thing. I guess – I believe in him. He knows, he is smart and sensitive enough to know that he could come back to me and crush my heart and spirit, that he could easily do much greater damage than he did, but he didn’t. I witnessed once him trying to empathize with someone, and since I didn’t know that he is N, I was surprised by him questioning something so obvious. It was like watching a child learning how to write, but he is trying, apparently.

But here we are coming to the second question, if that would be healthy, or safe for me. I think it will for as long as he will not contact me, by phone, because then things get really hot and sticky for me. I am quite sure that he will not call me if I ask him to. But it would be awful for me if he did. So I don’t know. I am playing with the fire, and I am not sure if I am strong enough not to get burned. That’s the whole trick. Swallow it and not to get burned.

There is also my issue with dating. Being closer to him does really prevent me in attempting to start new relationships, at least to a certain degree. Hmm, I guess I don’t want to settle with someone who would be not better than him in every way. Am I making any sense here?

January 9, 2006
2:56 pm
Avatar
free spirit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo,

I printed your post from today, I want to read it carefully again and process it a little before responding if that's okay 🙂

I usually try not to post during the day, but will be on here tonight and I'll post to you then!!

Maybe you can hold off contacting G for now until you finish processing?

See you soon,

free spirit

January 9, 2006
4:01 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo, I think you are not ready to date until you are healed from this man. It takes two people to dance and the partner has to face you. The dance partner you want is not facing you and if he was facing you, he probably would take another partner after each dance. What you need is a partner willing to dance every dance with you. If he does contact you, then you need to be strong, and day I cannot dance with you. Every time any kind of contact is made, it is a time for a wound to be reopened. The longer you go the more the wound will heal. when you pull of that bandaide quickly, the hurt is just for a moment. When you peel it off slowly, then it is slower pain but longer. Sorry for the lame anologies but the point is you cannot be ready for someone else unless your heart is healed. Seek healing for yourself and not for hope of love that will never be. Im sorry you are hurting again. if you let it go the pain will get less.

January 9, 2006
7:35 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

taj 64,

Thank you for your response. That's why I am pondering on contacting him, because I know from my experience how painfully the contacts are ending. That's the risk, that he will contact me when things will get bad for him. And this is what I don't need and don't want. You are so right, the wounds always open after, and this is what I am afraid of, really afraid.

On the other hand, how can I get totally over him, if I never date anyone else? But then do I really want to date someone else, who is not as good as him, meaning whom I would really like, plus emotionally healthy? It happened since him - once, that I really liked someone who is not attached, and it was a complete fiasco, I am quite sure that that guy is more screwed up than G. And I have so little experience with dating, plus it often seems like a chore to me, seriously. I am really pathetic in that matter.

Thank you for your kindness. No I am more angry and confused than hurting, although I still have moments, but is far from what it was during the summer, not to mention a year ago. And I didn't contact him for over three months now, it was good for me, gave me some emotional space. Sometimes I think that he will always have very special place in my heart, even if I will move on, and that it is possible to love someone and not to want, no not to wish, but consciously, not wanting to be with that person. I know it is better for me not to ever be with him, but as I said, if he was free I wouldn’t think twice. I wish I could be with him, but then I know I am better off without him.

Confusion, confusion, confusion...

January 9, 2006
8:07 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lass,

I hear you so well...!

I used to contact him every 2-3 weeks for the whole time, and it wasn't that bad; but it is really bad idea when he contacts me back. I know there always is a possibility that he might do it.

I hope your spirits are still high, and the cigarette smoke doesn't poison you anymore?I didn't check your post yet. Hugs.

January 9, 2006
9:53 pm
Avatar
free spirit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Matteo,

I have thought off and on about this all day. You are absolutely right, the risk is that he will contact you and it will be painful, ugly or just plain hurtful.

Partly, I think the answer depends on whether or not you truly believe he is a Narcissist or Borderline. If he is one or the other, he cannot be part of your healing until he resolves his own.

I understand the connection you had with him (or think I do, anyway, and I understand you not wanting to let him go, wanting him to know the consistency, etc. Could you be holding out a little bit of hope that he is changed?

For me, I always get the two relationships (the one with my guy, the N, and the one with my mother) all tangled up in my mind. I think you risk doing this as well, perhaps.

I think you are truly at a point where you could work with a therapist to finish grieving both relationships and to put some "wholeness" back to you. Please don't be offended at this suggestion!!

We will support you in whatever decision you make, but be careful of yourself. Three months is alot of healing to put back at risk.

Hugs to you,

free spirit

January 10, 2006
1:57 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo,

I have read all your posts. Two things keep going through my mind for some reason.

One, the movie, Under the Tuscan Sun w/ Diane Ladd. The dear, suave (married) Italian gentlemen tells her that she had better stop being so sad or he will be forced to make love to her.

And two, what Sam V. says at the end of his site. To smile again, and be happy and get on with living.

I think sometimes it is best to leave a sinking ship even in a small dingy. Get away somehow to a different vantage point. See it differently somehow. I had to flirt my way out of it, an old skill and crutch, but it did help. I couldn't keep on the way I was going. Remember that love is restorative, and does not come only from one person. I had begun to fear that without his love I would never be loved. That is not true.

And it isn't true for you either. You will be both love and be loved again. You have to decide. The power is in your decision. In or out. It is the waffling that destroys us.

LL

January 11, 2006
10:35 am
Avatar
Notsure
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Matteo,

In most of your writings you come accross as a rational, clear and intelligent thinker. Thus I respect your views and consider them at best helpful and at worst food for thought; so I am not sure what your dilemna is here.

You indicated that to me in another post "that once you made the decision you were done". Therefore why contact him and if he should contact you why not just say "thanks for calling but I am very busy right now as I have a friend here" or "I have to go as there is a friend, taxi or whatever waiting downstairs or in the driveway" Then say "Sorry, good bye" and hang up. Regards. Notsure.

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
40 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 110819

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38534

Posts: 714189

Newest Members:

stepukhaDazy, joshrad, tyzifDazy, vbhjifDazy, vbifhfDazy, DimashaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer