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Why should I go on?
August 21, 2005
12:15 am
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a_n_o_n_y_m_o_u_s
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All it seems that I am doing now is just waiting for my life to be over.

August 21, 2005
12:34 am
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Anonymous
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What was the last thing to bring you real joy?

A relative? A child? A song? A sunrise?

August 21, 2005
12:40 am
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mamacinnamon
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Hi:

Glad to see you.

I'd like to ask also... What was the last thing to bring you real joy?

and

Want to talk about why you feel like you are just waiting?

August 21, 2005
8:54 am
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CODA_Mom
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Hey anonymous,

You should go on because you are a special, unique, one-of-a-kind creation who has immeasurable worth, regardless of how you are feeling at the moment.

Who robbed you of your joy?

Love & regards,

CM

August 21, 2005
11:29 am
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a_n_o_n_y_m_o_u_s
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I can't remember having real joy. Things I used to enjoy like hobbies are no longer that fun anymore alone. I feel I am just waiting because any change seems hopeless now. I blame myself mostly for not ever getting help when I was younger, when maybe it would have made a difference and my parents for not getting me help when I was very young.

August 21, 2005
11:41 am
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StronginHim77
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Run -- do not walk -- to the nearest Suicide Hotline and get a real and compassionate person to listen to you. I can hear the pain you are in. Reach out for help. There are people out here who DO care and will listen. You surely need someone to lean on right now.

August 21, 2005
11:45 am
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a_n_o_n_y_m_o_u_s
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I've felt this way for most my life. It's getting worse as I get older but I don't think I could ever find the nerve to kill myself. I wish I could.

August 21, 2005
12:00 pm
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StronginHim77
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You are deeply depressed, sound utterly abandoned and weary of heart and mind. Do you have a therapist? There are many compassionate and concerned therapists and counselors out there. I would like to see you connect with someone you can actually sit down with in person. You need to be hugged.

August 21, 2005
12:17 pm
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a_n_o_n_y_m_o_u_s
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Hug, whats that? I've thought about a therapist but it seems like no use. To late for any change to make any real difference now.

August 21, 2005
12:50 pm
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gazelle
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Hi there. I know / have always known deep, abandoned, lonely depression too. (((Big hug))) - which I also rarely get.

Question: What do you need help with so desperately? Now, or in childhood? What kind of help would really help? Ask yourself what you want & need right now to ease the pain & give you some relief ... some sense of un-aloneness & Connectedness. Then tell us here.

Listening, with love ...

Blessings - gazelle.

August 21, 2005
12:53 pm
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Anonymous
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A_n_o_n_y_m_o_u_s,

As long as you can pull a breath you have a chance to turn it all around.

There is no need to blame yourself for the things you didn't do in the past. I'm learning that it doesn't profit anything or change anything in my life. In fact, it's just another distraction to take my focus off doing my very best today.

Today is a great day to help yourself. Hook up with someone who can give you fresh prespective about what you're going through. Someone who can show you the staggering numbers of people who battle it too, so that you don't feel alone or abnormal.

For added support, keep posting here. Keep reading and you're likely to find the story of your life written in the words of so many here. Learn from them, share with them.

You are most welcome here friend!

August 21, 2005
2:47 pm
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a_n_o_n_y_m_o_u_s
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I wouldn't say that I am in desparate need of any help now. It's all hopeless now. I have failed at life. To late for help. In childhood it would have been nice if I had help so that I may have grown-up or developed into a normal adult now. I feel as if I stopped maturing mentally toward becomeing an adult at a very young age. Like 12. I know I had problems even before then. I see no way of easing my pain except starting over which is impossible or killing myself which may be possible for me eventually. It's not so much blaming myself for things I didn't do when I was young as it is the lack of doing them didn't allow me to grow normally to a healthy knowledgeable adult. People my age are now bragging on becoming new grandparents. I have yet to even experience being in love. Loving or being loved. I feel you have to accomplished different things in life at set points to mature to adulthood. I'm still at 12 there is no way to catch up.

August 21, 2005
7:20 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Hi Anonymous,

You've mentioned that you don't think that you have grown up into a mature adult, yet the way you have communicated yourself sounds adult-like and mature.

The age of 12 seems to hold some special significance for you...may I ask what this significance is?

gazelle,

((((Big Hug)))) to you,

CM

August 21, 2005
7:22 pm
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StronginHim77
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What happened to you when you were 12?

August 21, 2005
7:35 pm
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Anonymous
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You feel your emotional maturity was stunted at a certain age. That's very common here. Many of the threads are actually about re-parenting the self. This time, extending all the support, security and acceptance and unconditional love that you probably missed the first time around. In a sense, that is very much starting over.

I know what it's like to obsess over my age. Obsess over running out of time. I don't know how old you are, but I do know that it's never too late to get the help you need.

I know you feel helpless and hopeless right now. Those are devistating feelings and they can cloud the judgement. If you can talk to a qualified professional who will give your feelings a name and suggest some options to help you get better, then please do.

There is always hope my friend.

August 21, 2005
7:53 pm
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a_n_o_n_y_m_o_u_s
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I just say 12 because that was when a lot of kids start forming male-female relationships. Puberty I guess. Which didn't happen for me. Mainly because I was painfully shy. (Dated one person in my life for only two months, but not until I was 22.) As I got older I didn't feel that I fit in anywhere anymore. I started isolating myself from people, the normal people, people who where moving on with there lives, because of the shame I guess. I was getting left behind. They went on to date, build good careers, eventually marry, have kids, friends, and so on. I've been left behind still trying to get through puberty.

August 21, 2005
7:57 pm
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a_n_o_n_y_m_o_u_s
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I am 43 now.

August 21, 2005
8:08 pm
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StronginHim77
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What are you ashamed about?

August 21, 2005
9:36 pm
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a_n_o_n_y_m_o_u_s
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Ashame of being so inexperienced with relationships. Ashamed of blushing because of my shyness. Ashamed of getting tongue-tied when I do speak to someone. Ashamed of not having the life experiences that other people have.
Ashamed that the people who do know me, no what a mental case I am...

August 22, 2005
2:13 am
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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a_n_o_n_y_m_o_u_s....you may feel like an outsider in this world but you would be surprised to know how many people feel exactly the way you do. There are mulititudes of people who have never been in relationships..experienced love in that way...many people who are scared and have low self worth...but the only difference is..they are pushing thru the pain and fear and taking steps forward. Millions of people with half your intelligence and potential are suceeding just because with that small flicker of hope they have...they are "doing it afraid". I know what it is like to feel like giving up..but we cant change yesterday or even tommorow..but take it one day..one step at a time..you are NOT alone.

August 22, 2005
10:11 am
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mj
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Hi,
I like how you created your nickname.
Seems to me that you are extremely creative and thoughtful. Theres my two reasons that you have purpose and therefore may learn how to enjoy life instead of just surviving.
Glad you found this site...Welcome and keep coming back!

August 22, 2005
11:14 am
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taj64
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Hello, so glad to know you. This is great place you found, a warm place. I have been in two relationships, both with people with addictions of different kinds. I always felt like I was looking on the outside, in. I am close to your age, 41. Yet never really experienced the kind of relationship that is of the wonderful kind. I went a long time inbetween the two relationship living alone with my kids, and never bring anyone around that was special enough to spend time with my kids. I thought my life was ok, being by myself then the second man came into my life and the past 3 years have been the hardest and yet I want nothing more than to forget it. My point is, you must try to find things that you enjoy, even if hard at first, get out there, take a class, anything to keep you busy, walk, how about going to the kiddie park and swing for about 20 minutes. Once you feel good about yourself, you may even attract someone if it is right, but love yourself first. You are wonderful person, I can tell. Hang in there anonymous.

August 22, 2005
1:08 pm
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jamaicanwife
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I am 7 years younger than you, but I could so easily have been where you are. I was 23 when I started dating, and I only dated the one person. I married him whenI was 26, but can I tell you the truth? I was so deeply depressed that it was probably a mistake to get married at the time. I should have spent the money on counselling, and worked on learning to love myself and solving the underlying problems that have contributed to my lifelong depression. At 35, my coping skills suck (great Americanism!) and my self-esteem is only now, after years of EFFORT, beginning to improve.

A relationship does not cure depression, it makes it worse, in my opinion.

And 43 is not too old for anything. If this is the only thing you do today, commit to finding out more about depression, so you can understand that you are not alone, and that your outlook on life can change. When I start to cycle downward, I want to isolate myself, I self-medicate with food, I am acutely conscious of my failings. As it progresses, I find it harder and harder to see anything good, even if I am looking right at it. I may be sitting in my favourite chair, but I can't remember feeling good about the chair. I forget how to feel good, I actually seek out things that increase my feelings of inadequacy, my feelings of hopelessness. If I feel fat, I eat more. If I think that I am a lazy bitch, I pull the covers over my head and stay in bed. If I feel nobody loves me, I act like a bitch and further alienate the people around me.

If any of this sounds familiar, I just want you to know that you can break the cycle at any point by doing somethin, anything that will be good for you, and not pull you further in. Make an appointment to see your doctor and keep it. Tell him how you feel and ask him to prescribe something to help you take control of your life.

Do something different, don't give in to the pulll of your negative feelings. Just remember that you are part of a whole family here, a family of people who know exactly wht you are going through, who know exactly how you feel, and understand how hard it is to make that first step.

August 22, 2005
6:47 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Anonymous,

All is not lost, what you are describing can definitely be treated thru therapy and medication. If you were where you are at now but didn't care to have a life with anyone, that is something else. The fact that you are where you are and it bothers you tells me that you have a good prognosis for change.

If there is any way that you can afford it, please, please go for counseling. I have several clients who have presented with the same symptoms and they are doing much better.

You are still relatively young and it is not too late. What keeps one young is being willing to be open to new experiences and learning new things.

Warm regards to you,

CM

August 23, 2005
12:22 pm
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a_n_o_n_y_m_o_u_s
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Hi everyone. Thank you all for trying to help me or at least for listening. I still think that there is no hope. I have good days and bad days. During the week I'm usually busy so I sort of forget my problems. Weekends are hard, especialy holidays. The loneliness gets unbearable. Almost to the point of tears. One of you said something about having to learn to love yourself before you could hope to find someone else who would love you. I don't totally hate myself I guess. There are things I wouldn't change like my morals, certain skills, but those aren't enough. Loving yourself to me is sort of a catch 22. I can't love myself until I have the things in my life that I am missing to make me worthy of being loved. I can't get the things I am missing because of the way I feel about myself. I've always thought of my life as a big downward spiral. I couldn't have good relationships and overcome my shyness for the lack of experience. I couldn't get the experience and confidence because of the extreem shyness. I never could go as far I as I wanted with a career because I was always wrapped up in my thoughts about my failures. Plus my shyness always held me back and still does. I just never figured out how to stop the downward cycle. I feel now that it's gone to far, I'm near bottom. There no going back. I desire a relationship but I am no longer interested in people who are my age. I haven't been around them since I was young. I don't feel on the same maturity level as them. I don't feel I have things in common with them. I don't even find them physically attractive. They look old to me. But at the same time. I know I have nothing in common with younger people. Except immaturity. I just don't think that is something that will ever change. It would be like one of you being told you could change your sexual preference. I see that as something I'll just have to except. It's very unlikely that I would ever find someone 20 years younger or more that would want someone old. I wouldn't want to do it to them, but at the same time I desire it for myself more than anything. It makes every other part of my life seem so useless and hopeless. Why even bother trying. I'm not looking for permission to be with someone younger. I know its not right or normal. Oh, someone said something about medication. I tried paxil for a while. It made me less depressed. All I wanted to do though was sleep all the time and it didn't solve any of the underlying problems so I quit wasting the money on it. Now for a completely different problem, at least partly, religion. I am agnostic . I don't feel that I am smart enough or informed enough to have an opinion one way or the other about God. I guess when I was little I claimed to believe in God along with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. I stopped believing in all of them at the same time I think. My parents claimed to be believers, but we almost never went to church growing up. I expect that this universe had a beginning sometime. (not even completely sure about that) If it did, someone or something must have began it. It must have been began from some other place. That person or thing could have been God and that place could have been Heaven, or maybe not. Anyway, since 85-95% (guessing) of the people in the USA believe in God, that puts me in a small group of people who are not the norm. So that makes another big group of people that I am not comfortable being around. I try to leave it up to them, if they want to be around a nonbeliever or not. I think christians are taught to seek out other christians as friends and to have relationships with. Therefore, (I don't really know why it should matter to me) I would never try to force myself on someone who claimed to be a Christian. Really, I don't even think I care if there is a God or not. If there is, than I would have to put some of the blame on him for my problems. I would suppose that he would know how I struggle through every part of my life including believing in him yet he has done nothing at all to help me through it in 43 years. If there is a heaven, why would I want to go? To be with loved ones? What loved ones? Heaven or Hell would just be more of the same, a life of loneliness and pain. See I'm even more of a mental case than you knew. I had a friend, a co-worker, who went home one day, got drunk, and put a bullet between his eyes. That sounds like a good way to do it. Just kidding. I don't see how he could have did it. None of us knew he was even having any problems. I don't see me, right now anyway, ever doing that. Not while my mother is still living for sure. She'll be 80 next month. My father passed about four years ago. But anyway thank you all for listening. I know we didn't get anywhere, wish we could have. I'll think about your advice. If nothing else we did accomplish one thing. You now know there is at least one person out there that is more messed up in the head than any of you.
Have a good week.

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