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Why must we always want to know why??????????
July 2, 2009
3:59 pm
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truthBtold
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(I know, kind of profound and 'out there'...but, please bear with me....as I do believe that I may have a valid point.)

But really now, as humans, we do you suppose that we seem to want to know WHY someone treated us badly?

In the end - does it really make any difference...really?

Amounts to what - a hill of beans?

I would think that the MORE IMPORTANT question to ask is why we 'let them' (treat us badly) in the first place?

This, of course is speaking directly to our adult relationships. Obviously, we had no control on how we were treated as innocent, dependent, needy children.

Why ask why, to this end, is starting to become more and more pointless to me the older I get.

Who fricking, fracking knows what makes someone else tick? And even more importantly.....why must I automatically assume that this gross mis-behavior and neglect really has even the first thing to do with me?????

It just fricking is what it is and it was what it was.

In the end.

Sadly.

The main thing, I would think, would be to explore it ONLY to the degree that you recognize and see a pattern starting to progress from generations beforehand and now have the intellect and stamina and insight and well - fricking balls to nip all this crap in the bud and NOT pass it down to yet another, sure to be floundering about like a fish out of water...to yet another naive generation.

THEN - 'wanting to know why' is and can be informative, important, instrumental and even imperative up to this very limited degree of somehow and in someway SPARING the unnecessary grief for the next generation..... and no more than that.

(Thanks. I just had to finally get all that stuff off my chest.)

tBt

July 2, 2009
4:24 pm
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caraway
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tbt,

I totally get this. I can see it when friends go through break-ups and just want to talk about it over and over again. The codependents ask why and then eventually ask, "do you think it was me? Was it my fault?"

Why can't we just accept it, and move on? Why do we have to try and change the person or the behavior?

Great thread.

Cary

July 2, 2009
4:45 pm
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atalose
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I also agree tbt great thread.

I think codies always want to know why so they can change themselves their behavior and the outcome of an ill fated “relationship”.

I think codies think that if they know why they will eventually be able to mend it, fit it or repair the relationship.

And when I say relationship I mean any relationship, family, friends, co-workers, any personal relationship.

Thanks ((tbt))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 2, 2009
5:54 pm
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truthBtold
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Awwww, thanks Cary and atalose.

I am so glad that this has been helpful.

(Sometimes I really wonder if my posts are just not too messed up and convoluted and hard to follow....)

To tell you the truth, I think that the obsessive self-questioning and constant self-reflection stems from just the simple fact of not being allowed or able to just trust and rely on our first and initial gut instints from an early age....from the getgo amd just leave it at that....bottom line and period.

We somehow and in someway learned to complicate matters to such an awful degree to the point of compensating/settle for 'something less.' because it was simply all we knew at the time....then wonder later on....why that is?

All well and good, you know.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Then you know - there comes a time with All that being said.....and we ask ourselves....WHY waste anymore time on this matter already??????????

You know?

July 2, 2009
5:55 pm
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Terriberry
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Great thread TBT,

I agree, with Atalose wanting to know why seems to be the first step in trying to "fix" the problem. Understanding that sometimes we are not going to know that answer.

I think more important than understanding why somebody treated us a certain way. Is to understand that we do not have control, of others actions. We only have control over ourselfs, and our actions, or inactiosn. When I learned this and started really applying that concept to my life, it helped the "why" questions not matter so much anymore.

Thanks for letting me share.

July 2, 2009
7:00 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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tbt...why do i feel like i inspired this thread?? lol

I agree with the statement of instead of examining these things inside out..to just recognize the patterns that you allowed yourself to fall into again and to change that up. Thats what I am currently doing and its taken me wayyyyy too long to get to that point. But we all have our breaking point or as Oprah likes to say our "aha" moment..and as long as I have found that..its forward movement from here on out.

I think i have always tended to take on the blame in my life..whether I had anything to do with it or not. Just somehow I coulda helped someone act differently or do something different or better or etc etc..its part of my codependant ways. But I am learning that I am responsible for ME..and that is it..its a long and hard journey but I'm getting there.

Why is one of the biggest questions in life..and one of the ones that we won't get the answers to..over and over.

July 2, 2009
7:40 pm
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nwsunshine
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Hey there tbt, thanks for starting this thread...that's me, asking, "WHY?" with my last breath! Your thoughts are helping me realize that I wasn't asking to understand myself (maybe I am) but more to try to change the outcome.

I have been in and out of relationships just to be in one. Meaning, I was not very selective. Just wanted to be close/intimate with a gf/partner. It falls apart and I am devastated!

I was physically abused by my dad, told I was unloveable by my mom when I was young. Now, at 49, I am gathering all the bits of information I have learned about myself, and trying to be healthy and have healthy romantic relationships.

I realize I get a deep, dark, sinking feeling sometimes when I am without a gf/partner. I get agitated and restless. I also realized that sometimes, my internal voice calls me, "she", not "I". So, my voice will say, "she's pretty smart", instead of, "I'm" pretty smart. So, I'm trying to change the pronoun the voice uses.

Any feedback you guys have about how to become healthier and develop healthy relationships will be greatly appreciated.

-nwsunshine

July 2, 2009
8:09 pm
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truthBtold
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Hey oops,

I hear ya and mostly more important....feel ya now!

Inspiration is timeless and non-linear and travels like the speed of sound between all of us.

Perhaps - even MORE than the speed of sound....or at least equal to....for if you really take the time to examine the actual physical reality amd components of breaking the actual sound barrier (Just take a minute to really wrap your head around that...)....you will find something akin to what I have always called the "Mad Magazine" back pocket flap stuff.

Hard to describe. But basically, what you do is encompass a hidden pocket of such: Something called the "N' wave.

Say - OK - draw an "N" on a piece of paper.

First, you start at the bottom - go 'UP a line' then 'DOWN a line' then 'UP again.'

The letter "N"

That's how its done - right?

What I am talking about is the "then down a line' portion.

A hidden passage.

A passage-way. A pocket.

Think, if you will, (If you are old enough...) the MAD Magazine back cover.

Folding together only the first and last lines of the letter "N" and leaving in the middle....in its wake.... this particular pocket that I am trying so damned hard to describe.

THAT'S the sound barrier.

That's BREAKIMG THE sound barrier....

That's what it looks like and that is where it is hidden.

Breaking the sound barrier has been described as the "N" wave and by that meaning being able to go forward and backward at the same time as to break through the resistence which held it in place to begin with.......

How exciting. How utterly exciting!!!!!!

Bottom line - breaking through a barrier.

Sorry, but to tell ya the truth, this leaves me pretty unexcited and empty.

Most folks I know have no inkling at all about this stuff and just how important these break throughs are.. How sad is that?

Can't force someone to become more scientific anymore than you can force someone else to be more humanistic.

Sad. So very sad...........

sigh. Must there always be this disconnect??????

July 2, 2009
8:46 pm
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truthBtold
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nwsunshine:

I have been in and out of relationships just to be in one. Meaning, I was not very selective. Just wanted to be close/intimate with a gf/partner. It falls apart and I am devastated!

First off, how utterly brave of you to admit and claim this.

To tell you the truth nwsunshine and anyone else - how incredibly odd and strange we must seem to others when we demand simple things such as being hugged with no other investments nor sexual attraction to means end.

Just hugging for hugging sake. Nothing more, nothing less.

Nothing more.....nothing less.......

July 2, 2009
9:01 pm
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waniamae
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TBT,

It seems like i have "survived" the fact that my EX physically abused me many times, left me and with a week period moved on with a new girlfriend and got her pregnant. I am alive today because of all of you.

Every single hour of the day i ask WHY. I can't even star telling you about my WHYs. The list is endless. I never take a break from it. It is a obsession. I just don't want to go on like this too long and i want to hear from you all when this phase starts to fade away...

Can you imagine after all that i went through I am an old lady, with my glasses on, sitting on a rocking chair wondering WHY he did all that to me and didn't even care? OMG!!! Save me, please!

The only questions to be asked is WHY did i even went out with him first place? WHY did i stay so long taking all that shit and WHY do i still think about him? Those WHYs are the only reassurance that i have that i am sick and i need help. Any healthy person would not take a minute of their time to ask WHY. Instead they would know that in this life we got to do what we got to do and being in a unhealthy relationship is not worthy and it is NOT love. That is it. It hurts like hell to write this shit because i know that when i turn off the computer i will be asking myself WHY again. I catch myself believing that the WHYs stops when we meet someone new, then i realize that is how the cyclic sickness starts again. I wish i was not Codependent, cause this shit is common sense and i just don't get it, instead i keep asking myself WHY this and WHY that. Then i feel very disappointed at myself because i did it again, sometimes i do it even when i am around interesting people having a great conversation. It follows me, it is like a condition and i can tell you right now i can't find any answers because i don't even have a reasonable question anyway...It is all my codependency issues, then the blames turns to me, it sucks to be me, it sucks to live like that.

I should know better and not waste any more of my time is this non sense game that i play with myself. Instead i just go on, and on and on.. The WHYs got to go because it takes my energy away, my self esteem (what is left of it anyway) and my charm. Then i am stuck and nothing else happens and i give in and i start to believe that in some strange way i could have change something about what happened, about how he felt or whatever. How weird!

The only thing i could have changed is that i could have read "how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved much earlier in my life", i could have followed my red flags and i should have never got involved with a man like that first of all.

There is no WHYS. We are here in this site and those men are over there doing it again. We are here trying to IMPROVE and SAVE ourselves. The WHYs are an illusion. Is like asking our Toxic parents WHY... Good luck in getting a honest answer.

Great Thread!

I love you all and have a happy 4 of July!!!

Waniamae

July 2, 2009
11:34 pm
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PaleBlueSky
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I have always been in relationships and am realizing now that I was codependent in every single one of them.

I have just a few months ago gotten back with an old flame and I am doing pretty good not doing what I used to do. I am trying to have MY OWN LIFE and it feels good, but you can't help ask those questions as atalose, oops, nwsunshine all of you who have shared. I know how things were before and it is much easier to recognize it now, so I basically have to keep control and keep myself in check. I don't want to be like this anymore and it is time for a change in my life and only I can do that. Strong words but very difficult to live.

My mind is going all day long about this, what if this and what if that, it is absolutely exhausting mentally and puts me personally in a pretty bad mood.

I realize I can't control other people as many of you have also mentioned, but why do we feel the need for control? and to try to fix everything? why can't we just live life without all these questions?

I suppose we will all figure it out eventually.

Great thread!

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