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why is she dilated this soon?
March 5, 2007
9:14 am
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My son's girlfriend is due in early May. Last week the doctor had to give her a shot to "stop" that from happening and some medication to help keep the baby from coming too soon.

I called when I heard and offered to help with her other children if she needed to make sure she's not lifting and can get off her feet when she has to. She was grateful for the offer, said she would call if she needed help, and then later came over with the children for a little while so they could sled on our hill, but I think it was more so that she could "buddy up" with me. She seems to really want to marry our son and it feels like I am being "courted". I never get the feeling that he really loves or much likes her, although he is supporting her now and very caring with her children.

When I woke up this morning I had another anxious thought that maybe the baby was closer to being born because she hasn't been truthful about the timing of it with our son. There are so many red flags about this situation. All we can do is be as understanding and caring as we can. I will not "go there" when she wants to steer a conversation with me towards more intimate gossip or trying to "bash men" in general. She's told me about her rough up-bringing. We can handle all those things. But it still feels like she's lying "around the edges" and my gut-instinct tells me to keep my distance from her because she is not trust-worthy.

How many other factors are involved when a woman (her 3rd pregnancy) dilates to 3 and 1/2 at less than 7 months? Is this common? She is very trim and had no trouble with her other pregnancies. She is health-conscious.

The way our son is handling this is an enigma. He offered she move in with him as soon as she told him she was pregnant. She was working two jobs and having trouble making ends meet. He seems to be supporting them now. But once I heard her "forget" that she had to work and him remind her of it. He bought her another car when hers was not repairable. He takes care of the children when she works. He seems to be making plans for a future together. She's not too subtle about how much she likes being able to stay home with the children and not have to work. BUT she doesn't enjoy being "trapped" at home -- likes to get out and visit and shop, etc. She is SOOOOO nice to him. I think he likes it, but also sees........and like my husband said this morning, we are going to "handle" as much as our son thinks he can "handle". So.....we trust....as much as he trusts himself!!

Oh -- one of the red flags is that her 5 yr old has a real problem with lying.

I guess I need some concrete reasons for the dilating, and some good advice on dealing with liars.

March 5, 2007
9:42 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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well, premature labor DOES happen.

I had a friend of mine who was fairly well dialated for much of her third trimester...but she already had three children...so doc wasn't as concerned.

she was uncomfortable, but carried to term with no other complications.

So, while it is possible...your suspicions may be possible too.

WHEN the baby is born, there are many ways to tell if the baby is preemie or full term...often a doctor can tell.

A friend of mine went into labor and said she was full term...she had not had good prenatal care and was not sure when she got pregnant and did not get any ultrasound.

the baby was five pounds...had difficulty staying warm...still had soft downy hair all over him and something about the developement of his facial features and ears....the nurse was explaining to me that they believed he was early...and why. My friend swore he was full term.

anyway....do what you have to do to retain your own sanity. If you don't trust her, then keep her an arm's distance until she earns it.

As for your son...he sounds like he's trying to make the best out of a bad situation....and be there for his child.

I am one of those who believes you can still be a good parent without marrying the mother of a child...just cuz of the pregnancy....but other people think it's the "right" thing to do....either their parents taught them that, or if their dad wasn't there, they don't want their own children to have an absent father like they did....so they suck it up and marry the mom.

While I think this is a noble thing...I think that if parents don't genuinely love eachother and want to be together...that the "love" they do show won't be real love and the kids will grow up with a warped sense of what marriage and love is supposed to be like.

as for dealing with liars...all I can say is that if you give them enough rope, they WILL hang themselves. Just give it time...she'll show her true colors....sounds like she is already.

March 5, 2007
12:37 pm
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Thank you so much for your response, rising. You heard all the things I was saying, plus the critical stuff I was trying NOT to say.

I am going to call our son's gf A. A told me her dr said that if the baby came now the main concern would be lung development. That sounds reassuring. I have read that the facial feature development thing is sometimes an indicator of some drug use, like an upper lip that is too flat and lacks the lines in the middle.

A's older child has ADD. It is difficult to communicate with her at times because she acts like she does not hear, or does not look at you.....the younger child is two and does not have as many words as my own children had at this age (I took child dev courses and am interested in it -- and also realize girls tend to be ahead of boys in this so I know this is slow. She is otherwise as charming and delightful as a 2 yr old can be). A has told me how awful and alcoholic her mother (who lives several states away) was/is and that A has a young half-sister that is mentally disabled. A has very little to do with her mother. A's father divorced her crazy mother and she and her sisters bounced back and forth, but lived more with the father. Our son told us at one point that A was devastated because she had let her father invest all her money for her and he had lost it all. (?????) The only time we met her father was at her child's birthday party -- his new Asian bride and he were checking out the asking price of our son's house (for sale). Those are the bulk of the red flags. Makes my hair stand on end sometimes.

Maybe we could suggest to our son that he consider going to her doctor's appointments with her so he can hear all that is said.

If he lent himself to the hysterics of fighting with her this could be so much worse. I know he has feelings for her and they seem to be OK with this for now. I just really doubt he wants to "engage" with all her family drama .....No one in our family is giving him the idea that he has to do the "right thing" and marry her. I think he KNOWS we all support him and understand and trust his choices.

Asking for a DNA test for paternity, I believe, would turn this into irreparable "ugly". I'm not aware of any reason to doubt his being the father. My uneasiness only comes from the OTHER red flags. You are right.....letting a liar run their game usually works best. I hope for his sake that they can come to an adult decision of cooperation in how to parent this little baby.

I'm pretty sure he would not be with her at all at this point if he didn't think this baby was his.....or if this had just been a relationship and there was no pregnancy.

Thanks also for saying the dilation can remain that way without being a huge concern and it can still be full term. I once had a neighbor who had to remain horizontal for nine months because of the risk!!

March 5, 2007
12:49 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Stability does not seem to be "A's" best asset does it? She doesn't come from a stable home and there is evidence of mental handicapps in the family.

your hair stands on end, but does your son's????

I think that a father SHOULD be present at the doctor visits...as much as possible anyway...an active interest in the baby's developement is a great way to show support for mom.

As far as the children's developement...all children progress at different rates...some have better motor skills and less verbal, and some have higher verbal and less motor skills. That one is hard to judge. And the ADD kid can be a challenge for ANY parent...having an ADD innatentive daughter, I have come to learn that she DOES hear me, even if she isn't looking at me. Thankfully her teachers see that too, and don't push the idea of visible clues that she is paying attention.

You can help the kid when you are around her by asking her to repeat what you said, so you know she heard you and understand...this helps them remember the instructions or conversation as well.

Your son is certainly bitting off a mouthful...but as an adult, that's his choice to make.

I am sure that his girlfriend wants the stability she never had and that's why your son may be offering to marry her...so her kids aren't raised in a home life like she had.

What's the story with the father of the other children and was she ever married to him?

March 5, 2007
5:34 pm
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Hi again, rising. Thank you so much for talking to me about this.

If I attempt to talk about things too much with our son, he draws away. Hard to read some things. We don't want to be too invasive, just support as we can.

A was never married. Her first child's father takes his daughter every weekend. The second child, according to A, was pretty much the result of a one-night's stand, and that father also sees his daughter, but maybe not as involved.

I should maybe explain a little more about us, too. I feel like we had a pretty happy normal life until our kids reached late teens, when my H's business went "sliding under" and we lost our house. I got a FT job. We never declared banckrupcy, worked our way out of debt and back to normal. Kids went to college for a while, but then came home and went into business with their Dad and gradually built back the business. Then they both got married.

Then things got very traumatic. There were 2 car accidents, totally unrelated, that killed 2 of our sons' best friends within 3 weeks. Their grief (our whole family's) was almost unbearable. A colleague of mine died in another accident. Then ourson and his wife divorced. Her father died of cancer. I got cancer and survived, not only his ex-wife's father (and our own friend), but also YET another young friend of theirs. This all started happening about 8 yrs ago and things began to feel "safe" again after ?3-4 yrs.

So I'm not up to judging how other people create their own misfortunes anymore. Some stuff happens because of choices you make and some stuff just happens. I'm still struggling with depression, and I think my H and sons do too at times.

I think our sons are incredibly sensitive to other people and ready to help anyone in need. They're also very in tune to helping others stand on their own and not be leaning on them too much.

That's probably more info than you needed. I THINK it was an attempt at explaining what I THINK I understand.

I've been reading about ADD. So much of the material talks about how important it is for the WHOLE family to be working together WITH the child and school.

March 6, 2007
10:06 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I think the ONLY real red flag is that this woman is careless enough to have children by three separate men...who obviously had no intentions of becoming fathers when they did.

Yes, birth control is both party's responsibility...but ULTIMATELY, since the mother is often left with the decision on what to do with an unwanted pregnancy, a woman has to think about it more than a man does.

I am not not not allowing men off the hook for birth control or facing the consequences.

BUT - a man can disappear into the shadows...but a woman has the growing baby in her body and is trapped into making a decision.

So, the biggest red flag would be her carelessness here....her choice of men and choice to not use birth control and choice to bring three children into the world before considering their welfare or stability or futures.

That being said...there are alot of other stresses that you see...her upbringing and family...as well as her children's existing disabilities.

You have every right to be concerned, but ULTIMATELY, as parents, we have to let our children make their own decisions...and support them as best as we can. And try not to drive a wedge between you two by pushing the issue too much.

As I said before...it may take some time before he realizes what she is all about....but it's something he has to see for himself...and it may be painful...but many times, that's the only way a person learns.

And given the deaths surrounding your family....your son may feel more pressured to be a part of that child's life...because he has felt death so close to him....he realizes life is short and he wants to be a daily part of that baby's life.

Do the best you can...and understand that it may be a painful process...and either your son's good nature will rub off and she'll become a better person....OR....your son will see her for how she is and realize he deserves better.

Understand that in the end, he may sacrifice his own happiness to make sure he is close to the child and able to care for him better than mom may be able to do alone...and your son is a good man for wanting to be there for his child. Many fathers don't.

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