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Why is my mother like this?
February 7, 2005
11:21 pm
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veryverytired
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Hi Everyone. I'm brand new to this so please bear with me. I've been searching the net for a site where I could vent a little and get some feedback about my situation. I've also been reading up on codependency and I think that may be whats wrong with me. Anyway, I'm having a horrible time trying to deal with my mother. In the past, I've pretended that her behavior doesn't bother me, but now that I have children of my own, I can not pretend it's O.K. anymore. My mother doesn't love me or she can not express that she does in any way and she's now displaying that she doesn't care about my two children also. It hurts sooo much the way she is that I become depressed and so upset over it that I can't sleep. My mother at one time was my day care provider while I worked. She was charging me $200.00 a week to watch her grandson (my son, a 1 yr. old) and to get her granddaughter on and off the bus to kindergarden each day (my daughter is 5). My husband and I are struggling unbelieveably hard to pay her and my mother and I got into this huge fight when she announced to me the other day that this amount wasn't enough. I took my kids home and just basically took them to work with me everyday until we found another daycare provider. Now three weeks later we've found another provider (who is cheaper and gives much better service by the way) and my mother hasn't called once to see about her grandchildren. My mother hasn't visited them, as a matter of fact, my mother hasn't been to my house once in over a year since I had my youngest. She just seems like she wants money rather than her grandchildren. She seems so greedy to me and makes me think that she really doesn't care about me or her grandchild, only money. My mother has displayed this kind of behavior before in other situations that made me think that she was just money hungry and didn't care about anything but money and I've tried to pretend that she really wasn't like that. I especially didn't think she would be that way when it came to her grandchildren, but she's done it so often now that I can't ignore it. My Mom has never even told me she loves me, ever! I take that back, I remember she said it one time when I was going away to college, she said "I love you" as they left me at my dorm, but that was the only time. She just doesn't seem to like me at all. And she treats me and my children differently then she does my siblings kids. I've always been a good daughter. I used to get straight A's in school. Never gave her any real trouble growing up. Never did drugs or been arrested or anything. But I can always remember being told that I was the "bad" child. My father isn't really any better. He's never said the words "I love you" at all to me. I don't know if I'm just too sensitive or if I'm just a whiner or what. I just feel like I have no family. My husband says my mother is jealous of me because my husband and I just started our own business (which is partially the reason my husband and I are struggling). He thinks my mother treats me and our kids the way that she does because of jealousy and I just can't accept that. I mean, why would a mother be jealous of her own child? Thats really what I can't believe. I'm really having a hard time with this. Can someone give me an unbiased opinion on this? Thanks for letting me blab on and on.

February 7, 2005
11:35 pm
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addicts wife
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well, first... WELCOME.. you have found a great place to vent!!!, and My dear.. I dont think you are a whiner, or overreacting... You have a need for validation, and the right to support, and love. And I know I dont know you, or all the history, but some women arent very nurturing, and If they are unhappy, and have been for god knows how long, they can displace their unhappiness on their children, husband etc. and then again some people ar eemotionally detatched.. It appears that your parents have had some major "issues" for a long time, like way before having kids, or perhaps didnt do things they expected to do or acheive in their lives... and It saddens me to see how often this happens... Are your siblings ever expressed any of the same perceptions of your parents?? I am glad that you found a more suitable palce for your children, and Im so sorry that it was not within your family. But you seem to have support with your husband, and maybe it's better that your kids wont be exposed to influences you dont want for your kids, although, I think it sucks, and Its a shame... Is your mom approachable in amy way, shape or form???

February 8, 2005
1:39 am
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whitelight
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Oh my. I was all set to ask if your mother grew up in an abusive situation--some survivors of abuse have difficulty bonding. But then I read the part about her treating your siblings better. Not good.

I once heard a sermon at a church where the pastor went on and on about how destructive and painful it is for parents to have favorites among their children. It is a toxic thing for everyone.

Within my own family, a generation back, I know there was some severe favoritism based on how the children LOOKED! Some looked more English, some looked more Italian. So, there was a big split.

Sorry that your mother is so unloving toward you and your kids. Jelousy could very well be a part of her behavior.

Do you have good relationships with your siblings?

February 8, 2005
9:50 am
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veryverytired
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Hi Addicts Wife and White Light! I am thrilled at your two responses. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my whole big giant complaint and giving me such great advice and insight. Actually alot of the things that you both mentioned are very true. I don't think my mother is a happy person at all. Her and my father have always had major problems in their marriage and they continuously argue today over the same things they used to argue over when I was a little girl. Mostly the subject of the arguements is money and at times they have come to blows. Even as recently as about a year ago my little brother (16 yrs. old) and I found ourselves breaking my mom and dad up before they were about to jump on each other and even though they are in their late 50s and early 60s they are STRONG and hard as heck to pull apart. And of course all of this is happening in front of all the grandkids. My mom is not approachable at all on any serious subject. My mother and I actually have never had a serious conversation about our relationship. My mom is the type that flys-off-the-handle whenever she is confronted. So if I were to try and speak with her about how I'm feeling I can pretty much just expect to be attacked. She does a lot of blaming and I have even found that my mom will lie if it makes her look better in a situation. There was a situation about a year ago where I was $30 short in my day care payment. I already knew she was going to become angry about it but I still gave her what I had and asked if I could give her the remaining $30 in two weeks. In front of my daughter, who was 4 at the time, my mother told me just take my child somewhere else if I didn't have all her money. My daughter started to cry so I became upset and said O.K. we won't be back. I was crying, my daughter was crying and when we arrived home, my husband of course wanted to know what was wrong. I told him and he gave my mom a call because he just couldn't believe she would act that way over $30. I was on the other end of the phone while my husband spoke with my mom and she didn't know I was listening and I heard her completely trash me to my husband saying I was disrespectful to her, I was screaming and yelling and calling her names and thats why she told me to take my child somewhere else. When I broke into the conversation and asked my mom why she was lying on me like that she then tried to retract what I just heard her say about me. Then she was silent for a while when I was asking her what I could have possibly said to disrespect her and she turned the focus on me saying that since I was perfect and since I was always right that she must have been mistaken. As far as my other siblings go, my sister and my mother get along better than my mother and I do. Basically my sister acts just like my mother does. She is very distant and has the same uncaring attitude towards me and we have had similar occurances where I have felt she has snubbed my kids. There are really 3 of us siblings. I'm the oldest (37), my sister is the middle child (34), and my brother is the youngest (28). Then I have foster brothers and sisters some of whom my mom adopted. So there were more than just us 3 siblings in the household when I was growing up. I really think my mother and my sister are resentful of me because right after high school I left home to go away to school. My mother and father told me from the time I began highschool that they didn't have the money to send me to college. So I was determined to earn a scholarship so that I could go and thats exactly what I did. I got a full scholarship to attend 4-year university in Northern Virginia (about an hour away). When I left I attended college full time for 2 years but needed to find a job so that I could support myself because my mom and dad couldn't send me money for living expenses. I got a very good job as an administrative assistant and eventually started working full time and going to school part time. Soon I stupidly gave up school all together because the money I was making was so enticeing. I ended up living in the Maryland/D.C. area (about 4 hours from my parents) for over 12 years and never went back to my mothers house. I kept in touch with my family but was always told by them how dumb I was to have left school and that I needed to come back home. I supported myself and was actually having a wonderful time living on my own when I met my first husband at age 21 and got married. My parents hated him (of course) and again kept asking me to come home telling me I was wasting my life. Basically marriage number one lasted about 3 years. I again was on my own for a while, met husband number 2 at age 28 and married again. I had my first child at age 31 (my beautiful little girl) with husband number 2 and I moved back to the town where my parents lived because my husband got a really good job in that area. I would have never come back here but I thought that maybe things would be different with my parents because I was older now, married with a daughter and maybe my family would accept me. WRONG. Marriage number 2 lasted 3 years also and this time I started over at age 33 with my little girl. My wonderful, nurturing grandmother helped me during this time. Unfortunatley my Mema has passed on now and I knew once she died I should have went back to Maryland. But my Mema left me her house (which my mom of course did not like). Once I moved into my Mema's house I met my current husband. I have tried and tried since I have been in the same town as my mother (since 97), to have some kind of relationship with her and I thought since I had my son (1 yr. old) and we were both older now that we could have a relationship. WRONG AGAIN. My mom has always treated me with hate. Both my mother and father act like I'm not a part of their family anymore. They both hate my current husband who loves my daughter and provides wonderfully for our family, who has bought me a beautiful home to live in (that my mom has never been to) and has enabled us to start our own business together that is just taking off. I am just very very tired of trying and trying to give love and receive love from my mom and never get anywhere. WOW I need a lot of therapy huh! If you have read this far thank you sooo much and please, please write me back. Thanks again.

February 8, 2005
10:14 am
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Zinnie
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Hi VVT,

I have a thread on here somewhere that I think is called "The Obedient Daughter" or something like that. You can search for "Daughter" and it should come up. If you read it, you might find that we have the same mother.

My mother... well, that is a whole other school of thought right there - but, suffice it to say she is like yours in her treatment of me. She did surprise me last night, by calling me to see how I was (I just got out of the hospital) - BUT, she called me collect - why am I not surprised?

In any case, in this journey that I have taken called life - I have learned this much... put the shit behind you and move on. Treat your children with the fairness, love and kindness you wanted as a child and continue to make a good life for yourself.

Is it easy to do? No. But, it does get easier as time goes on - that I can promise you. You see you can spend years and years trying to figure out why your Mom is like this, or you can live your life - it's YOUR choice - don't let her take THAT away from you.

Good luck.

Z.

February 8, 2005
11:28 am
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jamaicanwife
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My father had a horrible childhood, and he witnessed his own mother's murder, by his stepfather, of course. He never got counselling, and was a perfectly vile husband and father.

My mother and I have a reasonably dysfunctional relationship, but I am very grateful to her for being there for me when I was a child. My father was the one who didn't care for me. He liked one of my sisters well enough, but I could never please him. Like you, I used to get straight A's, and my mother would be pleased as punch, but it never mattered because my father was never satisfied. I'm still crying about this in therapy - I was 11 years old, and I got a report with straight A's, 100 % in everything but one subject with 98%. My father studied the report, and then asked me "where's the other two per cent?"
When I was 13, he threatened to stop paying my school fee so I could be a whore like my mother - who was not a whore, just to be clear.
I'm 35 now, and just starting therapy because of severe depression.

My point is this: my father was not okay, and because of the way he treated us, now I'm not ok. I can't solve his problems, so I stay away from him, and I am now trying to get help with my problems. I think you should do the same.

February 8, 2005
12:31 pm
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addicts wife
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VVT~~~ Its just tragic to me that you didnt get love,and support from the primary source you needed and expected it from... IT is amazing how you persevered, and got YOURSELF in school, andgot a decent job, and all that you have accomplished!!! We all fumble, and fall, and make mistakes through some poor choices, but 'that's life" you deserve and unconditional love from a family, nd I guess since the reality is tht you just not going to get it from your parents... you can focus on the family you created... and BE unconditionally supportive, and loving to the beautiful kids you have.
I hat e to say (about myself or anyone's situation)that youshould cut your losses, or give up, but I recently came to the realization that "letting go" is far from giving up or giving in.. having said that,I'd be afraid of your mother and faather exposingyour precious babies to scenarios that you dont want for them. We all have expectations of what our "ideal" life should be like, and unfortunatly a lot of us just didnt get it, and try very hard to still acheive it with people who just arent capable...(like my con artist, not a kin dbone in his pickled drug infested violent body of a "father") < thats a whole diffent thread altogether... but I think It's time for focusing on what YOU have, andwhat you want for YOU, and your kids. it is hard, but YOU, and your kids are well worth the work!!!

February 8, 2005
2:12 pm
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readyforachange
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veryverytired...

The way I look at it, there are two kinds of people in this world. Good and Bad. Unfortunately, some of each kind are often related to us. But, after we are grown and have our own lives, we can choose the amount of contact we have with people. Your mother doesn't have the ability to have a normal healthy relationship with your or your children. I'm not telling you to cut her out of their lives, but certainly limit the contact to an amount you feel comfortable with and move on. Don't sit around waiting for her to call, bring gifts, offer to help...it's not going to happen. So fill your life withi things that make you happy and people who fulfill you. They are out there.

BTW...listen to Zinnie (who by the way is an amazing, giving person who is writing this just prior to having major surgery). Don't let your mother take the rest of your life away from you....you deserve better.

(((((hugs)))))

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