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why is it so hard to find someone to love you?
December 29, 2005
1:46 pm
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2alone
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I'm going off from Seeker's thread - where he was saying he didn't want to wait forever to meet someone. I completely agree - so I've been dating, and dating and dating some more! I think I've dated about 20 guys in the last year. They are for the most part good people. Some have issues that they haven't dealt with, some don't want to deal with my STBX and I can understand that too. Most of them have become my friends. But what I want is a man that I can feel safe around, secure in knowing that they accept me and to feel loved

I've been doing the self help work and I know I can entertain myself. I can take care of myself and my girls. What I want is emotional support and caring. I can't seem to find someone who wants to give me that and receive it back. Am I looking too hard?

I have spoken with both my girl friends and guy friends and they say my expectations are not unreasonable. They usually just end up shrugging their shoulders and saying it will happen someday.

Can anyone give this sad heart some good advice - or a name of a good dating service -lol!

December 29, 2005
2:09 pm
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kathygy
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2alone,

look for the resistance in you. Is there ANY part of you that doesn't want to be in a relationship? What do you see as the down side of being in a relationship?

Is there any part of you that doesn't beleive you deserve to have emtional support and caring in a mutal relationship?

How was your marriage? What do you mean when you say some men don't want to deal with your STBX?

I hated being married and never, ever want to feel that way again. But had my exhusband been a different kind of person maybe I would still be married. We had very different ideas about what it takes to have a happy marriage.

Some of that still lingers in me and adds to my ambiguity.

December 29, 2005
2:18 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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The advice I always hear on the radio program with Dr. Joy Browne, radio psychologist is to wait for one year after your divorce is final to date again. She always suggests taking that time to get to know yourself and what you really want in life. Maybe just go out with friends in the meantime and talk with friends before you actually date again. So, for whatever that advice is worth, it does come from someone who is an expert and has written many books etc. Will wish you the best.

December 29, 2005
2:21 pm
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enoch
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call me anytime...

but the thing I'm learning is how to love first (I make mistakes). The hard part is to not expect others to love me as I want them to, but to accept the love they have to offer...

wanna give it a whirle?

December 29, 2005
2:22 pm
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Lostrose
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You can check out http://www.craigslist.com The website is free for dating, selling, looking for jobs, about anything you want & it's all over the world.

Lostrose

December 29, 2005
2:25 pm
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garfield9547
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2alone

What does STBX mean?

Anyway - i will cut and paste something for you.
This made me think so much and I hope will be the start of a new me

I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty – because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.

December 29, 2005
3:04 pm
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2alone
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STBX - soon to be ex-husband. We've been separated for 1 1/2 years. He's living with his girlfriend. He's been making my life hell - threatening to kill me, trying to get me to loose it mentally - but I'm surviving and doing just fine.

I did the soul searching and therapy prior to filing for divorce. Plus I been working on myself - so I feel ready to date.

I try to keep the STBX out of the equation but he slips in from time to time. The thing is - he'll never be gone - we have 2 kids together - so maybe I'm doomed to live a life alone because I made a bad decision 10 years ago.

December 29, 2005
3:11 pm
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lewis
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Just before I hopeed this site I was thinking about writing a thread on love and that it is... and there you were at the top of the page!

'why is it so hard to find someone to love you'?

My question too!

I thought that what 'enoch'had to say was vert true.

'but the thing I'm learning is how to love first (I make mistakes). The hard part is to not expect others to love me as I want them to, but to accept the love they have to offer... ,

I hope yoou find what you desearve soon 🙂

December 29, 2005
3:16 pm
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2alone
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Ok - you have a point. I do have quite a few people in my life who love me - but I always feel that I have to prove myself to them. I want someone I can just be me and they will still love me. Guess I've been reading too many fairy tale stories to my kids.

December 29, 2005
3:22 pm
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lewis
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me too we all want the fairy tale romance, I have been looking for that all my life, it's only recently that i've realised the truth, sometimes we have to learn how to love.

perhaps you need to listen to yourself and ask yourself why you feel the need to prove yourself to others?

December 29, 2005
3:25 pm
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kathygy
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2alone,

your STXB does sound like a problem.
If he's threatening to kill you and trying to get you to loose it mentally I can see how this would drive some men away because you would need to turn to them with this problem.

It will help once you are divorceed. You may FEEL ready to date but that doesn't mean you are really ready.

I would focus on getting the STXB under control.

If he's affecting you mentally that's going to affect the kind of men you attract.

December 29, 2005
3:26 pm
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2alone
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Ahh - more therapy is needed I see.

I think I have to prove myself to other because why else would someone accept me? I had to prove myself to my family. I had to prove myself worthy academically. I have to prove myself daily in my job....

Deep down I still feel like I'm a failure ... especially in love. I see other people with a lot less going on mentally, personality wise, looks than me and they find love and hapiness. For me - its just seems so elusive.

December 29, 2005
3:27 pm
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Lass
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Wow, Lewis~

I woke up with that thought, carried over from another thread where Exotic Flower said something about someone having to prove themselves to you. I distinctly recall the exbf saying, "You'll have to prove yourself." I HATE that! I am not against improving myself, but proving myself to anybody is total bs.

On the dating advice front, I would suggest the book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye."

LL

December 29, 2005
3:33 pm
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lewis
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inferiority complex, always feeling less that others, perhaps we were critisized as a child? who knows? but that internal voice can be your best friend or worst enemy. it takes some work to accept ourselves first.

take care be nice to yourself - u deserve it!

December 29, 2005
3:33 pm
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2alone
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STBX will never be "under control" I am learning how to manage him. I no longer have contact with him - I do everything through a third party. His rage is focused on me and not on others - so far everyone around me has been safe. As for me....I'll protect myself but if he wants me dead there isn't much I can do to stop him. I'm not going to stop my life because of him. That's exactly what he wants me to do. Onward and upward!

December 29, 2005
4:05 pm
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garfield9547
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We can never 'control' another person. I have tried so hard to change my husband and he has tried to change me.

You cannot. In accepting that we have come to more peace of each other.

Garfield

December 29, 2005
4:32 pm
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dalpuz
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All good stuff here, I think we all want the fairy tale. One my own age would be nice, the only one I'd ever been with over 30...actually being 37 was the most screwed up. It seems every time you meet a nice one.....give it a month or six and sooner or later you'll hear the horns, the engines all firing. Yup, transports just jamed full of you loved ones mental problems. I've spent the last year helping to help this one unpack her head.

Ya, it'll come all our way....until then we have each other.

Regards, Dalpuz

December 29, 2005
4:42 pm
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overcome
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Well, not sure if this relates directly, but too many people are looking for someone to "complete" them. Its like the person who thinks that money will make them happy. They get money and still are not happy.

Same thing with finding love. The first love has got to be from within and that has to be unwavering no matter what the circumstances. Then, when we have completed ourselves, we can give and receive love to and from others.

December 29, 2005
6:15 pm
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Lass
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Love is an inside job, like Overcome says. When we can love ourselves, and feel like we deserve to be loved, and love others without conditions, we cannot help but attract love.

LL

December 29, 2005
6:25 pm
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glittered when he walked
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well, we can't work on other people, but we can work on ourselves. I've often heard it said that folks who 'can't find anyone to love them' have to first learn to love themselves.

I used to get defensive about some of my dysfunctions, and sometimes I still feel that urge, but I do my best to be objective about it and realize that my dysfunctions are not my fault - they're just my newfound responsibility. Don't know if this helps you in loving yourself, but remember self-confidence coupled with self-awareness is dead sexy..in both sexes.

cheers,
gwhw

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