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Why is it always me???
November 11, 2005
11:51 am
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matthew65
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Why is it always me? Why is it that I am the one who is "f------" up??? Those were my husbands exact words to me that I heard over and over again because I said I don't trust him. I want to trust him (believe me), but after he never does what he says he will do, I just cannot. He abuses pain meds (has been on these for over a year). He has been caught looking at porn sites (even after we were just married and I told him I didn't want him to), and even though he doesn't like his ex-wife, he has been corresponding daily with her for about two weeks now. He says he sent up her email so he correspond and IM his son, but he has only sent him one greeting card since then. I said I couldn't trust him mainly because of his addiction to the drugs. He said it was only a flaw and that because of my father being an alcholic I shouldn't blame him. I said I was going to counseling along with my two girls to help with the feelings of codependency, but wanted to go to counseling with him too, to help our marriage. He thinks it's all me. I believe he still renders feelings for his ex and when I said he would be happier if he just left and went back with her, he said I shouldn't wish for things because they just may happen. What does one think about that? I am really confused. I am making myself sick because I can't trust him (I am obsessed with every move he makes). Is this normal for me to think? Someone please answer this?

LIC, Matthew 65

November 11, 2005
12:01 pm
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Anonymous
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I think that when you start pointing fingers, especially with someone who is an addict, alcoholic or otherwise, you risk outbursts. Think of how you would feel if it was him blaming you for the failure of the marriage, or if he said he didn't trust you - it would hurt.

So when people are hurt, they react in many different ways - and his isn't unusual.

The only thing you can do, is continue to focus on your recovery, your therapy - and learn to "detach" or "let go" of him and his problems. Let him "own" his problems and his consequences. And have consequences - it's okay for you to set boundaries - and have consequences if he violates them - and he may - and he may throw a tantrum like a two year old, or lash out violently if you impose the consequences - but by no means does it mean you should back down.

Just means that if it's a no win situation, you need to figure out if it's safe or healthy to stay or not.

Trust is a hard thing - and I am with a guy who cheated on me in august. And in august and september I would have never thought I would or could ever trust him again. And in my gut, I truly believed that.

But, as time went on, and I went to my therapy, coda meetings and worked on myself - the trust came back. Can't explain exactly how - but somehow I learned to stop watching him like a hawk and let him be, and trust that he wasn't going to do it. And if he did - I would find out - and I would have to deal with the consequences then. But in the meantime - I was only asking for trouble by watching him.

some people think "well, she thinks I am cheating, I might as well go cheat - cuz she'll never believe I won't anyway". They give up trying to make you trust them - cuz as you said - nothing is every good enough - no matter what he does.

So you have some options - give it time, work thru therapy on your own and see how you feel then - leave him now - or just trust him now, and let go.

I know that my gut instinct when I set out was to get rid of him. But now, I am glad I was not impulsive.

I have to say tho - he did agree to therapy and slowly he is working on doing things to help me be more secure and comfortable - and I am working hard to work on my own insecurities and issues, so I am not always imposing my problems on him.

I wouldn't guess what his feelings for his ex are - reading into things and assuming is very unsafe...it's better to do that in counseling if he will go, other wise, just let it go.

your feelings are normal...but again, you can't force anything.

try al-anon or coda meeting, they saved my life....literally.

November 11, 2005
12:21 pm
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Giggles_29
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Matthew65,

Wow i am in a very similar situation. I agree with alicat....i also have been one to watch every move, and go through his closet,clothes,wallet,etc. I have also had it done to me, and it is not a good feeling...walking on eggshells all the time. I figure at this point i am better off not knowing. I have just created a new thread called, "enough is enough" and my previous one is called,"codependency at its best", if you have time please read them. I would love some feedback. And it's just nice to know we are not alone in this. We can help support one another. I absolutely love this website. My friends really have no understanding of what i am going through because they have never gone through it. SO< i hope that you can learn to trust or let go as alicat has said. It really is a big relief 🙂 I have just learned to let go. I have reached my point of no return. I feel good about it. I am just done. It's not worth it. Please keep an update. Good luck 🙂 @---]-- Giggles 🙂

November 11, 2005
11:55 pm
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matthew65
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Well, he left... He won't go to counseling now either because he said since I don't trust him there isn't a marriage to work on. I said we should go to counseling to work on our marriage and talk things out. I guess that was my answer. HE doesn't want to be married anymore. Is this just an easy "way-out"? I am so confused. Do you think maybe because he doesn't want to work on his addiction problem? Help!!!

November 12, 2005
12:32 pm
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matthew65
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Now I am even more confused. I talked to him this a.m. and he doesn't want a divorce. He isn't opposed to counseling, BUT needs time away to think objectively. He also said he isn't very good at marriage ( i am his third one) and his belief is that if he isn't good at it, we shouldn't continued to be married. Why is it that every other sentence he says, contradicts the other? It keeps me hanging. Now I really don't know what to think. Is this his way of controlling me?

November 12, 2005
1:06 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Matthew65:

I know the lack of trust issue all to well. My hubby has been on and off of smokin pot for our entire marriage. Thing is he knew I wouldn't live w/ an addict so he just forgot to tell me about it before we were married. Until 12 years went by he finally apologized to me for lieing before we were married. Well, he's not smoked any pot for 16 months now, so he says.

Trust is something that has to be earned in my opinion. It is so hard to trust when there is nothing there that you can trust. When you now he is lieing to your face.

Looks like he's playin games w/ you now. I am sorry. Don't play his games. Don't accept his calls, don't call him and cry to him. Just go about your business like he doesn't exist. Hopefully he'll just back off, but I'm sure he'll try harder to get to you for not playin the games. Now is the time to stand tall and let him know how things are. And things are as you decide they will be.

You have here to come vent anytime.
🙂

November 12, 2005
1:08 pm
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exoticflower
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mathew, you said you can't trust him mainly becasue of his addiction to drugs...I would wonder why you can't just call a spade a spade and say you can't trust him becasue he is deceitful and a lier. Of course you can't trust him, hon, he LIES. That's a lier. He hides things. That's a deceiver. NO one in their right mind would TRUST a LIER, that doesn't make sense! Go easy on yourself, you are right not to trust a man who cannot be trusted.

November 12, 2005
1:18 pm
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Nevermore
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Matt 65,

Focus on you- not him. The more you try and get him to do what he thinks you want him to do, the more he will do just the opposite- he's controlling you because all of your ennergy and emotions will be wrapped up in his chaos. These crazy-makers control us because we're so busy trying to control them.

Like Alicat said- let go!! Accept what you can't control and focus on your healing one day at a time.

November 12, 2005
2:32 pm
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mixednuts
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Matthew,
i can understand the contradictions,how confusing they are . i am seperated 6wks, and every week he has told me something different.
as of this week it;s over according to him
My gut says it won't be if he needs something
sorry for your situation.

November 13, 2005
7:53 am
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matthew65
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Thank you all who responded to me about my situation. I really am not on here to vent though. I am just really confused. I don't know what I want and I don't know how to set boundaries yet. I admit I need help with these. I am going to counseling tomorrow! I really can't wait. Except, my only fear is that it will be all my fault. Even though he says he takes the majority of the responsility for the problems in our marriage, after hearing I am the one who is f---- up, I'm convinced the counselor will see it that way too. I pray not though.

Why is it that all I do is cry and feel abandoned? He just walked out and left my two girls and me. As I said, he said he wanted to step back and look at things objectively to decide what next step to take. Not only does it seem like he has all the cards now, but also that he isn't really dealing with the situation at all. I guess he is like that anyway (every time there is a problem, he gets mad, storms off, and goes into the other room and doesn't come to reason unless I go there to make amends). I think I just figured it out by typing this is he wants me to call him and say it's my fault and I am sorry and beg him to come back. I won't so therefore maybe that's my way of setting a boundary? Please let me know if I am on the right track here. I am new at this!

Once again, thank you for all of your support. I too feel for you all. LIC

Matthew

November 13, 2005
10:13 am
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Nevermore
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The only way it's going to get any better is if you stop obsessing over him. I know it's so hard because you have children, but you must put yourself first and deal with your feelings of neediness- is your self-worth based on this relationship? Is it something deeper than him that drives you to desperately need him, despite the fact that he creates chaos for you and your children.

It may feel good to go to him with no boundaries and coax him into coming back- I've done it time and time again, but only to find myself in the exact same position of dealing with instability and abuse because neither one of us really changed.

I always think about a quote that deals with codependency- I keep walking into the same big, dark hole over and over again- yet each time I act so surprised that I'm down there.

If this behavior is a pattern, you've got to fix this or nothing will change.

Hang in there- I know how much it hurts, but running to him will just put a band-aid on a serious injury.

November 13, 2005
10:56 am
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lollipop3
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Matthew,

I can relate so much to your posts. I have been struggling with this same issue for a very long time now. My b/f has been sober for more than a year but has not gotten any help, so his behavior is much the same as when he was drinking.

He is verbally and mentally abusive. He refuses to take any responsiblity for any of it. He is a master at manipulation and blames me for everything.

You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. You have every right to not trust him. He has proven that he cannot be trusted.

The best thing that you can do for yourself is to realize that it is not personal. I know it feels very personal but it really has nothing to do with you. He is sick and there is nothing....and I mean nothing...that you can do to change that. He has to want to get better. As long as he continues to "blame" you, he is not taking responsiblity for his actions. As long as you feel it is your fault, it won't be his fault. As long as he can keep the focus on you, the focus will be off of him.

The best suggestion I can give is for you to get to an Alanon meeting ASAP. There you will learn about the disease of alcoholism. They can teach you how to deal with things such as guilt, anger, anxiety, frustration, fear, confusion, etc. You will also learn the processes of acceptance, detachment, boundary setting, keeping the focus on yourself, etc.

Take care and keep posting.

Love,
lolli

November 13, 2005
11:01 am
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lollipop3
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Matthew,

I just re-read you post and saw that he abuses pain medication, not alcohol.

My advice about Alanon remains. Alanon is geared toward friends and families of alcoholics but addiction is addiction and the message is the same. I also think it would be a great benefit to you considering your father was an alcoholic.

It is a support group for anyone that has been affected by another's drinking.

Good luck,
Lolli

November 15, 2005
8:08 am
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matthew65
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It's been a few days since I last posted. I am very proud of myself for the strong moments (which have been a lot) that I have. This a.m I am still dealing with the question (issue) that if he still says he loves me, why did he leave us? I hope I will soon find out that answer. I want to share with you all that I did talk to my Pastor yesterday, went to a counselor with my two daughters to start family therapy, made an appt to see a divorce lawyer, and have made some of my own boundaries in which I will abide to. WE have a counseling appt tomorrow. If he doesn't show, I am saying it's over. If he shows and doesn't want to continue, I am giving him until Friday to make his decision. The reason why I am waiting is that I still want to try to make this work. I know this may sound stupid, but what can I say. I do love him. Thank you all for your concern, support & feedback. LIC, Matthew

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