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why is being unmarried odd?
July 27, 2007
11:19 am
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robbie2007
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last week, a male co-worker asked me if i was married. he was surprised when i said no.

it kinda bothered me that he asked. i'm not sure why it bothered me. he is married. so i do not think it is because he's interested. unless it was for my other male co-workers.

i have asked myself a couple times if one of the other male co-workers likes me. sometimes its hard to tell if someone is just being nice - or is attracted to you. i am not attracted to this guy. he's nice n all but just not atractive to me.

the 3rd male co-worker is cute, and i like him, but i think he is married too. so why would he want to know.

so i was really curious why "P" asked me this. is there something "wrong" with not being married? is there something wrong with someone who does not want to be married?

then - today, some guy i dont even know who came in to look at the place, was talking my ear off. i was polite and listened but had no idea what he was talking about (something to do with cars). then he asked me what i drive and i said a mini van - he said, oh a family girl. i just said yes to say yes. not sure why. i certainly didnt think the next question would be are you married? do you have kids? when i said no, he said why not? youre a good looking girl blah blah blah ....i just said, i havent found the right guy.

but the truth is - i dont see happy marriages in real life, nor online. i dont need the stress of compromise, fights, disagreements and everything you have to give in a marriage. i am lonely at times and wish for a friend, but thats it.

whats wrong with not wanting to marry?

and why did these guys ask me? it bothers me that they did quite a bit, i just dont know why it bothers me.

July 27, 2007
11:36 am
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_anonymous
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It depends on your age. The older one gets the more unusual it is to be single as in never married. Especially single with no kids. My friend from high school that i met 33 years ago is an attorney, she never married, never had kids, is tiny and blonde. As far as I am concerned she made a good choice. I am married and felt lonely in the marriage. I have kids and have felt lonely with the kids.

The reason why men ask if you are married is to simply to find out if you are available.

My guess is you must be attractive or the men wouldnt bother to ask if you are married.

July 27, 2007
11:38 am
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sad sack
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Dear Robbie,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to remain single.

I am 51 years old and I have never been married. I never wanted to get married. I was never one of those girls who dreamnt of their big wedding day. I could never relate to that. I think that too many women dream of that day but do nothing to prepare for the actual marriage.

Like you, I just did not see too many happy marriages out there. Now I am sure there are many people who are, in fact, happily married. It just did not seem that that was the norm. As I got older, my ideas about marriage (or should I say against marriage) got even stronger. I saw so many women playing the role of mothers to their mates instead of equal partners.

If someone else has a problem with you remaining single, just be aware that that is their problem, not yours. Don't let it concern you.

Now, as I said, there are many good marriages that work for both partners. I am not advocating the single life for everyone. It is just the life that I (and many others) have chosen.

Sad

July 27, 2007
11:42 am
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chelonia mydas
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Robbie,

Both of those questions sound to me like they were trying to make conversation. Alot of people like to talk about their families. Asking if they are married or a comment like family girl huh often gets the conversation going in that direction. Perhaps the person asking the question likes to talk about their family but doesn't want to sound like they are boasting so will start by asking about yours. Or perhaps they have learned from experience that once they get someone talking about their family they do most of the talking and so the person asking doesn't have to carry so much of it.

But I also agree that there is a push in our society to be married and have kids. I have experienced it on a number of occasions.

I think it goes back to previous generations where labor was divided between men and women and they were dependant on eachother. Really it has only been in the last 100 years that it was acceptable for a woman to hold a full time job and even more recently for her to choose to live on her own. If you think about what life was like just 100 years ago things have changed alot- more so than any other century- so our social ideas/customs are still catching up to our technology and advances in day to day living.

Its OK to be single- often it is the best way to go. But so many people are still just parroting what they heard from their parents and grandparents who are from a time when it was much harder to be single. But as more and more happy single people are out there the more everyone will see it is a valid and healthy life choice for many of us.

July 27, 2007
11:46 am
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CAMER
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add me to the list...Just turned 42 y/o never married, no kids...and yes, people seem "shocked" when I tell them....like there is something "wrong" with me. Well, yeah...being codependent...never made that final choice, till death do us part.

I think with society, there is a stigma out there, gals being married at 26 or 27 and having kids, etc....but today its not really like that.

Think of all the divorces, think of all the people who cheat and take the sacred vow of marriage for granted.

I think marriage may be good for alot of people, just for the one of us who aren't married, whether man or woman....that is a choice we take.

You are not alone!!!

Camer

July 27, 2007
11:59 am
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robbie2007
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i just wondered what you all thot. i'm 40. the whole idea of marriage makes me feel trapped. i suppose because thats what its like for my mother.

i have had only a few relationships in my life (can count them on 1 hand)...and none with a guy my age or even close to my age. they were weird/strange bad choices.

July 27, 2007
12:04 pm
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atalose
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I think it's a combanation of all of the answers above.

It's a question to open up conversations.

It's a question when someone may be interested.

Depending on what age group (generation) and the thinking that goes along with that generation.

Today younger people are learning from their parents or grandparetns experiences and not rushing into marriage anymore. But alot of generations were taugh that is what you do, get out of school, get married, have kids etc.

Many people who are stuck in un-happy marriages and are unable to leave for one reason or another often resent divoreced or single people who are not stuck like they are.

I'd make every attempt to view people asking you that quesiton as a positibe one rather then a negative one. I am learning that if you don't like something change it, and if you can't change it, change the way you you think about it.

As a codie over the years I was always jumping on the negative band wagon, now I make every attempt to stop myself in my tracks and board the positive one.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 27, 2007
12:11 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Robbie,

I agree with everyone here too.

Perhaps they DO see you as an attractive person, with a great personality - is that hard to believe?

Perhaps it does suprise them that such a good person would still be single and no man has scooped you up yet.

But overall, it doesn't matter what they think...it's your choice and it's an OK choice.

And I think your response "haven't found the right man yet" is a good one...it's easy to accept. If you said "cuz I choose not to, you may open up yourself to a debate, and if you are uncomfortable with explaining it, this wouldn't be good".

Of course, if you say "I haven't found the right man yet" and this guy IS interested, it may open him up to asking you out....would that be ok?????

I am 35 - I don't know if I will get married - we like our arrangement...but probably will...just not important for me. It doesn't take a piece of paper and expensive ceremony to signify the commitment...it's in our hearts, that's all that matters.

But I really did think I would spend my life alone...simply cuz the pickins were slim and I was getting to the point of giving up.

Don't worry about your choice...it's the right one for you and that's all that matters.

July 27, 2007
12:21 pm
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robbie2007
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ummm ya - i do find it hard to believe anyone would be interested in me. really, not just saying that for kudos. i am short/overweight/ not a great conversationalist - actually quiet and reserved (unless of course im typing 🙂

i need to go to the bank but when i come back, i want to talk to you about 1 of those weird relationships i had. i already told you about the counselor - this is something completely different.

i dont know what side to post it on or what to call the thread.

???

July 27, 2007
12:26 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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well, maybe these guys see something in you that you don't see?

as far as the other post? if it's a little "off", perhaps on libs side...but otherwise here is ok...and name it whatever you want "purging the past?"....up to you.

July 27, 2007
12:49 pm
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robbie2007
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ok, im going to post it on the other side. i will name it "him"

July 27, 2007
1:24 pm
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nappy
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Being married is not odd, it is not even strange. Sometimes being married is a blessing because some peoples just get married for the sake of it and not knowing what they are really getting themselves in.
Some womens get married for the sake of having a wedding but not knowing that reality don't set in until after the wedding. And then they are disappointed because of the expectation that they had didn't come true. Some thought that they had prince charming, and found out that they are stuck with a frog, or toad.

I am not married but I didn't see any need to run out there to get married either. There are a lot more couples out there that are in hopeless marriages then there are marriages that are truly happy.

I love being single, it has taught me to love me and taught me who I am. I love my own space, I do as I please without having any man to control me and the whole situation.

It is so funny that all of my girlfriends that was so excited about getting married and finally finding that husband, now they are stuck trying to figure out how to get out of there situation.

They use to talk about me because I wasn't married, now look, there wasn't no peer pressure here about being stuck with someone that now I have to deal with everyday, having me to be complaining about what he not doing to what he is doing. please I rather have a dog, at least when the dog at bad, you can put it in a kennel.(smile)

Nappy!

July 27, 2007
9:30 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I think many people in today's society expect people ( esp. women) to marry. My brothers always joked that Tiger T getting married could be used interchangeably with the term 'hell freezing over"
I didn't want to marry until I met someone I wanted to marry. So I was 38 when I got married. I expected my life would be heaven and I would become an organized happy homemaker who loved health food.
Guess what I am a disorganized lazy housekeeper with a junkfood habit. Same person I was before I got married.
I am happy I have someone in my life, but unless he or she has the makings of being a good companion through thck and thin, It's better to be alone.

July 27, 2007
9:40 pm
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Honolulugal
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Wow! Look at all of us "never-marrieds" of a certain age! I'm in the same category. Never married, no kids. Long relationships though, so I don't worry about it much. Guess I stopped thinking about it at around age 40. Yes, people are always curious about it. Frankly, when I see a guy who is in his 40's or 50's and is unmarried, I wonder why and then I remember that I'm not married!

I think about marriage and then I think again! TT your bros. joke is cute.

H-gal

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