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Why I have to be such a pervert?
October 5, 2018
10:39 am
Sinead 1965
New Member
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
October 5, 2018
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Please try not to judge me too much as this forum is supposed to be accepting and non-judgemental.
I am 53year old skinny short 5ft2 tall freckled face thin lips green eyes redhaired soft butch single lesbian woman. People call me ugly alot of the times, and also make jokes about my looks. Ever since I was 14 people always call me names. I think I'm ugly and you can tell me I'm beautiful but I won't believe it. And that's my problem. I'm so firm in my views and I don't know what to do. Since childhood I have suffered taunts about being ugly,short and masculine. I suffered the worst bullying in high school, It was torture.

I have a satin and silk fetish. It's something you get as a child, I don't know how. It's not a condition but it's also not a choice, so I have to live and die with it. I just can’t resist touching and stroking satin fabric because It's just so soft and smooth to touch when rubbing. For me nothing looks sexier on a woman than a shiny satin or silk outfit. I randomly walk up to women dressed in silk or satin and start rubbing their back . I've also been known to do it to strangers too. I have the greatest trouble thinking rationally when i am around women dressed in shiny silk or satin. Also I am more sexually attracted to heterosexual ultrafeminine tall curvy attractive women. They turn me on. All the women I gotten far with were not my physical type. I just did what a lot of other short skinny ugly dykes seem to do and adjust to what the market has to offer.One of the things I've noticed over the years is that I'm always attracted to heterosexual tall curvy ultrafeminine women that I know are unavailable. For me the, taller a woman the better.

I love women in silky satin clothing. If I see a tall woman with big breasts wearing satin blouse on high heels walking down the street I will be aroused. Small breasts don't really do it for me. Every time i see tall feminine woman dressed in satin or silk outfit walking around with big massive breasts & butt cheeks swaying all over the place i lose control. For me the, taller a woman the better. I feel immensely attracted even standing next to tall,curvy, feminine women. It's been a pattern since I was a teenager.
I didn’t choose to be this way but I would never say its just like someone being heterosexual or homosexual. I hate myself for being a pervert. It first showed up when I was 17. I was regularly hugging and touching this woman who was often wearing satin blouses friend of my mother 's when I was 17. I've not really thought to much into this in the past, and passed it off as a phase that i might grow out of, and otherwise ignored it. Its not like i spend my life wondering around thinking about it. Its so morally wrong, and truly revolting, yet I can't help the way if feel. just needed to get this out of my head. I've never really thought about it compared to how people are supposed to think, and just accepted it as something that didn't matter. It obviously it does... .

I know how much this will revolt, shock and disgust you. I just need to get it out of my head more than anything else.Sharing has helped me already, even if you hate me. I gravitate toward tall curvy women dressed in silk or satin like fruit fly on a banana. Usually i approach random women dressed in silk or satin seemingly perplexed, and rub their backs or arms the same way someone might pat a pregnant lady's belly.Usually they are too shocked to say anything about it right then and there. And I guess that is my power - the stealthy and quick assault. These women my "victims" are physically stronger than me. I am just a skinny, short, tiny, ginger woman.Standing next to these women i look like a midget.

Only one woman punched me in the face 11 years ago August 2007. This woman is really tall like 5ft11 and she has huge breasts. She was wearing pink short sleeve satin blouse. I walked up to her at super market parking lot and said to her "Uuuu i love your blouse" AS i placed my hands on her upper chest and started rubbing in circular motions! She got mad and punched me in the face. Then she pushed me and she left. The thought that I could be a sexual predator makes me crazy. I keep asking why me. Why I have to be such a pervert? I feel so dirty and guilty.

What troubles me is that these fetishes i have, taken over my personality. I have difficulty controlling my actions.I receive gratification from touching and rubbing random tall curvy well endowed women dressed in satin and silk clothes, it arouses me allot. All of the people that know me have no idea about my psychological problems. What they notice is that i haven't had a girlfriend for a long time. I am a 53year old woman and have had this fetish since i was around 16-17. This is how its been for as long as i can remember.
I know this sounds strange and maybe even a bit sick to some. I am ugly. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I will take long drives and just think about how sad my life is, how lonely I have become, the things I regret, and what I could have done differently. I do this a few times a week, drive and cry. It makes me feel better momentarily.

I haven't been happy in years, I don't see any signs of it getting any better. I see most people getting excited for the weekend, but for me, I get depressed. I have no girlfriend. I have no one. I have friends, and I have had girlfriends and a long term (13 years) relationship, but only because people tend to like me when they get to know me. I've never received compliments on my looks. It's like my whole life is a struggle because of this. I never feel great or like a winner. I keep no pictures of myself. Sometimes I'll take some with my laptop's webcam or my cellphone, and when I look at them it's really painful. I've taken pictures from every angle and every single one of them looks terrible.

And the problem is that I can't stand to be in any type of relationship anymore because of that. I'm 53 now and the last time I went on a date was 2 years ago. Some lesbian women I've known for a while seem attracted to me, flirt or invite me to activities, but I remember how they looked at me the first time they saw me, and it just kills it for me. Maybe I'm vain and shallow. Still I feel like a monster for something that I can't stop doing. And I feel so guilty.

Why am I like this? Why? I am definitely post menopasual. I lost all drive when I was 49 and menopause was beginning four years ago. Had all the usual symtpoms: hot flashes, memory issues, moods, dry as a bone, no libido, periods becoming sporatic. My sex drive over the last two years has been on a steady rise. But now, all I can do is think about getting laid. I have this urge which grabs me without any notice or outside stimulation. I am thinking about sex all the time. Though alone, I still have lots of very satisfying sex -- just not with partners. I have to keep telling myself I'm not hurting anyone and aside from the fact that it's a bit of a time waster -- it's not hurting me either. There are worse things I could be doing with my time. .

Please don't laugh at my fetishes I did not choose them. It is like, because of all these sexual feelings, I have forgotten what emotionally feelings towards women is like and I haven't had a emotional obsession on a woman since I was 37years old. I have difficulty controlling my actions.I receive gratification from touching and rubbing random tall curvy well endowed women dressed in satin and silk clothes, it arouses me allot. But what exactly is harmful about it? These women my "victims" are physically stronger than me.I am masculine but i am 5ft2 tall and skinny. I am just a skinny, short, tiny, ginger woman.Standing next to these women i look like a midget. I am physically completely harmless. Am I just making excuses to justify my urges? I don't really know for sure .I am a 53year old woman. Is it too late for me to change? .

Why am I like this? Why? My other problem is that all the women i gotten far with were not my physical type.My whole life i can’t attract the women i find attractive. By the way, this has been an issue for me since I was 16. Maybe I am a monster -- and maybe I like that. The reality is deep inside I know that i am hideous looking , every time I walk past a mirror I feel a pang in my heart as I'm reminded what everyone else is looking at . Being an ugly short skinny masculine soft butch lesbian just leads you to a viscous circle which if your lucky enough will break one day but otherwise you will be in a dark pit for a lot of your life . I'm about 5'2", and when I'm out and about and look around myself on a typical day, most people seem well and truly taller than me (including women). I feel a kind of resentment, over having been born this height, identifying as a lesbian and being attracted to women, none of which I regard as my choice. I also feel envious of tall butch lesbians. When I was a teenager, the other girls were into boys. But me... I was always left out, and terrified. I already felt like a monster at age 11 or 12 or so when I first started going through puberty. Because I knew I wasn't like the other girls, and attracted to what they are. .

I've been as honest as I can and that is all i can do. I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I think there's something off about me. I always felt different and I just couldn't relate to other people. I sometimes think I am a psychopath but I don't think I completely lack empathy, there are some rare times when I can somehow empathize I think. There are also some times when I feel guilty for touching and rubbing random tall curvy well endowed women dressed in satin and silk clothes but then those moments pass and I stop caring.I like to manipulate these type of women(tall curvy ultrafeminine dressed in satin and silk) into letting me touch them. I look at these women like one would view objects. I I've been doing more research on the topic and I realize my behaviors fit that of a clinical psychopath.

I've always had odd thoughts, even from a child. I'm not a bad person though "at least to most of the world", i've never been arrested. Lying is like breathing to me. I can lie SO easily, its crazy. I can look someone in the eye and lie. I am NOT violent at all. Not at all. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs. I'd never say any of this out loud or to anyone. But it's something I need to say and saying it to a computer screen is easier than saying it to a friend. When I look in the mirror, I don't see the person I feel like I am. And when I compare myself to the 'pretty people' , I don't feel like they're as worthy of it as I am. I am so ugly. I have some self esteem issues, but why lie to my self? If I'm ugly, why say I'm good looking? I am a realist. Most women don't care about your personality if you're ugly,ginger,short and skinny dyke. I am ugly as fuck and this ruined my whole fucking life! I am so fucking short, 5’2, with a slim & weak body. I literally look like a fucking 12 year old ugly boy. Added to this, i feel even worse when i see myself in pics next to other average and good looking people.

I personally believe that i wouldn't be perverted if i didn't look that bad...because i like life but i can't enjoy it because of this...and i just can't do anything about it...and this makes me perverted and predatory because i only know that i have one life...but still can't find any happiness. I have never wanted to hurt anyone but i fear that i am a pervert and i feel like i have a paraphilia do i?

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