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Why I hate my family
November 19, 2001
1:32 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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The main thing here is that you have to do something different, to get some different results. We can only sit for so long. The less we do the less we want to do, energy creates energy, simple as that. It takes a while to fineally get it, and you have to walk before you can run, but like everything else in life, as soon as your sick and tired of feeling sick and tired your gonna start to do something different. Isolation is an easy habit, its safe, we keep accomadating inactivity, and its almost as exhausting as getting up and doing something. You'll jump through your hoops when you are ready, get it your hoops? Create a picture of what you want, what you want to look like your house, your garden, your day, then make it happen, unfortunately it really is that easy, the work getting there is the reward. Success is the best revenge.

November 19, 2001
3:55 pm
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Cici
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Wow, a lot of that anger is familiar to me, not only personally but also both professionally and among my friends and classmates. So many of us have so much rage. We store away our past list of hurts and slights that others have done to us so whenever we feel down we can take out that rolodex and flip through and find a convenient excuse to be angry and upset.

In some ways I think I was blessed because the more traumatic the incident in my past, the less I remember. I don't remember anything before the age of 8 or so, and I don't remember when I was raped when I was 12, I can barely remember when I was raped when I was 19. Of course, I still had a shadow of a memory and all the nasty psychological crap to deal with.

Like Ladeska said, rage takes up a lot of energy. It saps your strength and feeds off of itself, off of you. Hatred is not something to carry around with you. And you say, so f*cking what, what else can I do for f*ck's sake?

We shape the world we live in by our preconceptions. Because what you see and understand is not a direct reflection of reality, it is a mental representation of reality. This means that we can shape how we feel about the world with our very attitude.

Great book, read it, Viktor Frankl "Man's Search for Meaning."

I am by no means an enlightened swami or guru. But I am an empathetic person, who is very, very familiar with your rage. Rage at Father for betraying my trust through molestation, rage at my mother for being so resentful that her child was attractive to her husband that her weapon of choice was a broomstick.

But as an adult I have come to a point where I don't want that anger and hatred inside me anymore. Yes, people do horrible, terrible, awful and abusive things to one another. Yes, wouldn't it be nice if we could depend on that one sacred relationship, the bond between parent and child. But ya can't chose your family.

So, my Dad is dying now. He has congestive heart failure and is bound to his bed like a prisoner. And I visit him almost every other day, and I am pleasant. I pal around with my Mom, and chat with my sister and play with my nephew. We humans do despicable things to each other, but I was reading a book called "Cultivating Compassion" and I found a very interesting point.

We humans are all alike in one essential point. We are all suffering on a constant basis, sometimes from circumstances, sometimes by torturing ourselves. And we all seek to end that suffering. Sometimes we go about it the wrong way and hurt others in the process. But to understand that on a basic level we are all alike, and we have all done terrible things in our own turn, means that there is no high ground from which to say, "I hate you" - then you must, by definition, hate yourself.

I'm not saying forgive and forget, I am saying, don't hate. It's fine to understand that your family has behaved unacceptibly and hurt you irrevocably, but how can anyone change what has occurred in the past?

As Ram Dass wrote, Be Here Now. Present. Deal with your family as they are now, not as they were to you in the past. Be patient, understand that we all want the same thing but we have some very stupid ways of going about it sometimes. And feel compassion for the poor souls who spend their living days wandering and blind, led by regret and self-hatred and hatred of others.

When your emotions are dependent on the actions of other people, you take your own personal locus of control and you throw it to the winds. Let your emotions be dependent on the actions of yourself.

November 19, 2001
7:56 pm
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silence
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I don't know how to explain this, but what if it's my destiny to have all this rage? What if I need it for whatever lies ahead in my life? I don't know why I typed that, but I felt like I needed to. I just have this really weird feeling lately that I'm being dragged across the floor by destiny to do something. I have this strange feeling inside that something big is about to happen. I have no idea what it is, but it seems to be coming up soon.

Does that make any sense at all?

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