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Why I hate my family
November 12, 2001
3:14 pm
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silence
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Time to get this all out where I can access it when I need it. I grew up alone. My parents worked all day and my 2 older sisters always hung out with each other after school. I wasn't allowed to tag along because I was the "younger brother." They had plenty of friends to share between the 2 of them, I had a total of 3 friends growing up... and not all at the same time. After one friend would leave, I'd find another one.

When I was around 10-11 years old, I had a real problem with adults. Every damn one would tell me that I had a bad attitude. They wouldn't tell me anything specific I was doing that was wrong, just that I had a bad attitude. What is a 10 year old kid supposed to do when you tell him that. My teachers said it, my swim coaches, my scout masters, my relatives, and even my parents said this to me. I only saw my parents on the weekends, so I could have cared less about what they said.

When I was 13 and getting the sh*t beaten out of me in school, I went to my parents for help. I showed them the bruises on my arms, the ripped clothes, and I cried for hours. They did nothing. They told me to tough it out and to stop crying because I was too old for that. They later moved me to a different class section when the teachers realized that the class wasn't doing as well as it could because people were spending too much time messing with me. I stopped talking to my parents after that.

Boy scouts made things worse for the next few years. The scoutmaster in my troop hated me and had no problems showing it. Actually he didn't hate me, he hated my father, but was too chickensh*t to ever confront him. It's one thing when the other kids are against you because of something you did, but it's another thing when they are against you because the adults set you up that way.

My father forced me through scouts throughout my teen years. The whole time he was pushing me to be an Eagle scout just like him, and his ultimate dream was for me to go on a 50 mile hike with him so we could actually spend some time in a father/son situation. Never having shared a father/son moment with my father before left me feeling weary about the whole ordeal.

The whole mess came to a head when the scoutmaster kicked me out of going on the big trip because I got tired of his crap and mouthed off to him. My father came up and tried to fix the situation but I told him to go f*ck himself and his goddamn father son trip and that I hated his guts. After that scouts was still manditory, but I didn't have to do anything in it. Just show up. There always remained a tiny glimmer of hope in his eyes that I might want to do one of those death hikes in the future.

My sisters went off to college. I never really knew either of them. I don't think they knew me, or even wanted to know me at the time. My oldest sister must have really missed home because she came back every weekend to pester us. She kept to herself though so I was still alone. My other sister ran far and ran fast. I didn't get to see much of her until way later.

Of course when I was 16 I had my little accident and ended up in the kiddie nut house. When I was finally released my father suddenly needed to get back in my life. The son of a bitch hadn't spoken to me in years and then he instantly had to be my best friend. I wouldn't give him that satisfaction. By this point I hated the tone of his voice, the stupid look on his face, the sounds he made when he chewed.. everything he did annoyed the hell out of me. When he walked into a room I was in, I would stand up and walk out. After 2 weeks he broke down, screaming and yelling at me to love him. Again I told him to go f*ck himself and the horse he rode in on. Where was he when I needed him. The one thing he ever taught me was how to fend for myself. That I would always have to fix my own problems. I didn't need him anymore.

My mother did nothing. She never said anything, just kept her head down and pretended that nothing ever happened.

After a few more stints in nut houses, I was finally allowed to come back home on a contract basis. I agreed to certain rules and my parents agreed to certain rules. Actually they only had one rules. Respect my privacy. Don't go in my room, don't open my mail, don't bother me when I want to be alone (which is always.)

This is where my mother messed up. She goes into my room on a regular basis, I have had fights with her about this and she still does it. I think she checks for drugs (which I don't do.) She also opens my mail. It's my friggin bank statement. Yet she still opens it if she picks it up. And something else very sickening is happening. People tell me I look a lot like my father. For the past few years, my mother has been accidently calling me by my father's name sometimes. And I don't know why, but sometimes it feels like she gets too far into my personal space. It really creeps me out.

My oldest sister comes back into this story. She lives the next town over, is married and has a kid on the way. She is a totally nosy and gossipy bitch these days. She has to know everything about everybody, and then tell everyone else about it. I NEED PRIVACY! I can't stress that enough, but everyone wants to know what I'm thinking or doing. I've stopped even being around her when she visits every weekend.

My other sister has become the only real family member I have. She visited about half a year ago and treated me with repect. We hung out and did stuff together like a normal brother and sister would. Only problem is that she lives in California now. Opposite side of the country for me.

Just recently my father has broken my most sacred rule by installing a weasel program on the main house computer. It records all keystrokes and takes screen snapshots every five minutes. As soon as I saw it in the explorer folder I hijacked my old computer and set up a harsh password system on it. But now I have a personal computer that only I can access.

There is no love between me and my family. If they were to die tonight... I wouldn't care. Sure I'd be pissed that I'd have to find some place to live, but emotionally I wouldn't give a crap. They are family in blood relationship only. If they wanted to be a part of my life, they should have been there much earlier. They made me grow up completely alone and now they are trying to change that? It's much too late to change.
Mainly, I just need to get out of this house, but that's a different issue.

November 12, 2001
4:52 pm
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hey silence, i get you. i'm also an abused male, i'm 25 now, and got abused by my parents a lot, but not anymore. (Still the effects carry on)
can u leave to live with ur sister in cali, since she likes you more?
i hope she really does like you and that she wont stop liking you if you start living with her.
i'm still trying to recover myself, i have low self-esteem issues. why are people stupid to create children when they couldnt be good parents to them.

November 12, 2001
6:25 pm
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Glad you got this out. Helps sometimes just to say it. I lived in a very abusive household on alot of levels. Can relate. So, how old are you now? Just wondering how much longer you have there?

People don't realize how nasty verbal abuse or neglect and abandonment can be. Sounds like your family just never took the time to even get to know you as a person. But, they probably didn't know themselves either!

You have alot of anger and I really do understand that, but I'd use that energy to plot my time that you have there and plan what you will do when you get out of there. Need to use that energy for something that will help you, otherwise, it will consume you and pretty much backfire on you at some point.

It's really hard living in all of that and not at some point - turn into what you despise and that happens more than not, so just be very aware of where you are going with your own emotions and stay on top of them.

I really hated to face up to the fact that once I was spit out into the world - my life, my anger, my hurts, my every dysfunctional thing - was now - my responsibility. God, that pissed me off!!! I wanted someone to pay, to admit things, to be sorry, to explain WHY?. I wanted to go off on someone...But the trouble is - they wouldn't have "gotten it" if I had of. I tried some of that. Went right over their heads. They were such void people anyways, so self-absorbed - there was just no communication period and no hope for that either. Was a real hard temptation that I was faced with because I wanted to pick up - what was used on me and turn it around on them. Nasty little serpent laying there on the ground saying - Oh c'mon....it's not so bad - be just like them, learn how to scapegoat, too, nothing is ever really your fault, it's everyone else's fault, you're not to blame for anything, afterall - you've had such a bad life... Funny thing was - that little voice made sense alot of the time and it was very, very tempting...

I had been conditioned to problem solve, to vent my frustrations - the way they did. I had been conditioned to communicate - the way they did or didn't. It was my natural default...I just went there automatically. I was a very good student in a very bad classroom and most of us - we pick up - what we are around whether we like it or realize it or not. So many things were engrained in me - part of them was inside me and I HATED IT!!!! Their narcissism was intertwined with who I was - my natural reaction to things sometimes - was who they were and it was so hard sometimes to "see" it and to do something about it before - it became the absolute law in me. But, that's how generational stuff continues. No one has the balls to say - it stops here and I will make it stop....

It was quite the battle and will be the battle for you as well. I recommend a book called - People of the Lie by Dr. Scott Peck - which I encourage you to get, is about $10 at Barnes and Noble or wherever, in the psychology section. I'd skip the first story and go right into the second one called - Bobby's Parents. Should be rather interesting for you....

Also, I recommend these two sites:

http://www.drirene.com/verbalabuse.htm

http://www.geocities.com/Athen.....index.html

Tons of information in these sites and in this book for you. And you will benefit alot by digging into this. Many keys to unlock major things in your life and believe me - you will need all the keys you can get.

More than anything, I just want you to know - "I understand"....I've wrestled so much myself with so many things over the years. Really had alot of pain due to all of this. You have a right to your anger and to "understand" as much as is possible what happened and why? You also have a right to turn as far away as you can at some point and be radically different, but in a real way, in a healthy way that comes from educating yourself as to what went down here. There are so many things about ourselves that we learn wrongly because we were treated the way we were. And there are things, like I said before that we don't notice is much like them within us that we have to be diligient and stubborn about pulling it out of us and laying new patterns of responding and just living life.

When I had my daughter, I saw my own father coming out through me at her when the house would be messy or I'd be late and she'd be lagging, looking for a toy or whatever. One day I really saw....her little face and I just lost it and went, Oh My God, I'm becoming what raised me and I just broke down and really, really faced myself. I said, you know....this can't happen, it won't happen because - I won't let it. To hell with the schedule, to hell with the house not being perfect, to hell with everything else - what's most important is this life that stand before me, representative of who I used to be, this really precious little child, who I should have been allowed to be. Don't get me wrong - I had boundaries with her, I was firm and consistent, but she grew up knowing she really had a mother, too and to this day - she and I are best friends.

I had a horrible example lived out in front of me every day for what a parent is. My self esteem was shit for years - but I did have to realize - I could confront them and I did, felt good, but it wasn't about them, it was about me and me saying - No More. I gave them the opportunity to do right by me and they didn't, so I moved on and out of their life. I no longer speak to either of them and this is a good thing. I came from them, but that is about it. They are not my friends and I do not choose them - as family. I pick my own members of "my tribe". I have that right and that choice and so does anyone who is treated badly. Honor thy father and mother? Yeppers - but only if - they fulfill the definition of what a mother and father should be....

I don't think everyone should do what I did necessarily and not promoting that but, I do stand by what I said when it's a no win situation, you have to make the break and make your life - different and try very hard to be as "not like them" as possible, doing whatever you have to do - to work through your anger, your pain and to find that original feeling person inside - that's still there, btw. You just haven't connected in a very long time.

Glad you're here. Glad you felt like you could talk to us. Alot of us have been in your boat or in a similar one. Among all of us - you should be able to weave together a plan that will give you some sanity and see you through these next few years with a light at the end of the tunnel that is constructive instead of destructive. You can blast out of their dysfunction, but they have to stay with "who they are". They will deal with their guilt or whatever - but you don't have to accept it onto your back. You will have enough of your own stuff to deal with in life. You don't need their stuff on top of it, right?

Feel free to talk anytime here. I'll shut up now!!! yada, yada, yada...you're probably sitting there scratching your head going - what did she say???? How they treated you - isn't about you, it's about them. How you treat your life from here on out isn't about them - it's about you.

November 12, 2001
8:59 pm
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silence
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I'm 25. Way too old to still live at home I know. Again, that's another issue.

My other sister has indeed suggested that I should move out to California with her. But I still want to finish off college first. I think I have about 1 year to go before I finally finish off a BA. The fact remains that I have no money (about $500 total from both accounts) and no job.

Then there is the problem of my parents, they have said out loud that they are going to live where the majority of their kids are. Translation: if 2 of us 3 kids live in a certain area, the parents are going there too. Which means I'd be bringing the family along with me. I don't want to do that. I wonder what would happen if I moved to alaska or hawaii. What would my parents do then?

The reason my other sister and I get along is also because she has a little bit of hatred for the family unit as well. When she visited with us, we had an unspoken understanding of how to act with each other and what was cool to do around each other. She knew not to ask me personal questions, and I didn't ask her any questions either. I guess you could say that we were dysfunctioanlly functional together.

I don't know if I want to live WITH her. Maybe live near her. But how would I go about relocating across the country with no resources?

Also, it should be important to note that I was not really abused at home. I was neglected. School was where I was abused both mentally and physically. Home was the empty place I ran to at the end of the day to hide from the world.

November 12, 2001
10:12 pm
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lost soul
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I know how you feel. I came from a dyfunctional family & a rather complicated one. I have live through hatred, sorry and miserable lives.

Today, I am still struggling with the these past & present issues, the after effects of my dyfunctional live!!! but i am trying to cultivate my own sences of "worth" to learn to appreciate life in a more simple & contented mentally.

What I have learn myself is that "don't expect" if you have expectation of what your family, your mum, your dad, your sis, your friend ect should do for you. YOu will end up with hurts & disapointment. You do what you can & should, you live for yourself not for others.

November 12, 2001
10:45 pm
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well atlast, u'll get a job, and then u can begin ur own life! away from ur parents, and u can tell them straight u want to be on ur own.

November 13, 2001
3:38 pm
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Silence, your silence is killing you.
I understand where you are coming from, having come from a home of boundary violations and disrespect - myself, but you need to understand that you are living in your parents house at the moment therefore give them a little slack, BUT MOST IMP COMMUNICATE YOUR NEED FOR SPACE, RESPECT AND BOUNDARY ACKNOWLEDGMENT ..I.E.Mail,puter,phone etc. The lack of communcation is hurting you and them. You have to understand that your mother and father prob experienced what you did as a child and they may not be able to ever give you the love and support you desire, most likely not therefore it is your job to do this for yourself by building your own support system, but please respect your parents adn understand they have their own pain. Your father istrying to reach out to you although i know you are so angry at him and in fact hate him, atleast try to communicate with him. If all you have is anger and hatred, you will make yourself ill physically and mentally...channel it in a positive way and rise above your raising.

November 13, 2001
4:57 pm
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silence
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Sure. We have idle chatter around the house. One night every week at dinner my dad asks me how school is. I say "boring" and leave it at that. Every weekend we watch the eagles play on separate TVs, but during an occsional commercial break, we'll see each other in the kitchen and say how much the eagles suck. Every week night when I get home from school I ask my mom what's for dinner. There is a small line of communication out there, it's just big enough to show that I'm still alive. That's good enough for me.

November 14, 2001
4:46 pm
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silence
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You know, looking back at my first post, there was another event that got phased out from when I was putting it all together. Back before I was getting sh*tkicked in middle school, I had a problem with bulleis in grade school. Every day after school I would be chased down by a group of 3 other kids from my class. I'm not exaggerating by the way. They really did do this every day of the week for half a year. They stopped doing it when it finally started snowing.

But the whole time it did happen, they would chase me down, hold my arms behind my back, and take turns punching me in the shoulders and arms. Afterwards when they had enough, they would throw me down face first into the grass. I told my teacher about it, she did nothing. I told my parents about it. Mom said nothing, dad said that it had to be my fault because people don't pick on other people for no reason at all. So again I was told that I had a bad attitude and that's why I was picked on every day.

Today I think about that moment and I just want to f*cking kill him. How dare he say that to a kid? His own kid? Kids don't pick on other kids for no reason... Bullsh*t! Why the hell didn't they help me when I needed it? When I desperately asked for it? I can't write anymore right now

November 14, 2001
6:58 pm
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surrounded
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You are 25 and living at home with these people you hate. Why? You said that was another story, I think it's a pretty important part of the story.
And you don't have a job, that's also another story. Why?

November 14, 2001
7:37 pm
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silence
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I ran away from homw when I was 16. I didn't get very far before the cops picked me up. The cops brought me home, and my parents not knowing why I would just get up and leave without telling anyone, threw me in the nuthouse. For the next year and a half I was constantly banging back and forth between therapy and school. No time for work.

I squeaked through high school and decided to work and find a place to live rather than go to college. My brain was physically dead at this point in my life. I had no hope to do anything. After a month of working I had to leave because I had finished all the work that had to be done. I don't pace myself. Someone tells me to do something and I do it. A good work ethic, but I made no friends. Especially among all the secretaries whose work I did in record time. You see I had the job of doing data entry that these people had barely touched for about a year. I think I made everyone else look bad.

At the end of that job I didn't have anything to do. No job and practically no money to do anything. So I slept for an entire year in my parents basement. At the end of the next Summer they told me to go to college, get a job or get out. So I went to school. I've been to 3 different schools in the past 6 years. I think I'm close to graduating. I'm not sure. But I am meeting an advisor tomorrow to find that out.

I had another job 2 years ago digitizing movies for the internet. It was sort of an internship through the school. Again, I did the best job out of all the other interns. But at the end of the job we were all fired. 2 weeks later I find out that everyone else was hired back except for me. Must have been my bad attitude in action again. I worked my ass off for those people and they didn't keep me on because they didn't like me personally. My social skills must be truly atrocious.

I am absolutely horrible at job interviews and I'm not that comfortable to work with. I can't think of any of my bosses that liked me personally even though I always did a good job at the actual workload. The fact is that I can't get a job that would pay me enough and that would have me as a part of it. I have no money to leave since every last dollar I have goes into my education in one way or another.

I wish I could win the lottery and get out of here but I can't afford to buy those damn tickets every week.

November 14, 2001
9:23 pm
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yes silence, youor father was wrong! it would be fun, when you can grow up and bully him experimentally and then tell him "its your fault you're being bullied, not mine"
that will teach him a lesson. i grit my teeth as i write this becuase i am so angry at your dad for how he treated you.
your anger is fully justifeid and is a step in the right direction. (its a part of the healing process. i read this in a book and it made sense)

today my father can no longer buly me or order me around in any way, and neither can my mother and i tell u it feels so good.
dont worry u'll get the job. i wish you could leave and go live with ur sister. if not, u can hang in there, u'r 25 and very near to starting your own life.
my own social skills and job interview skill arent good either, but i'm trying.
u must have that deep feeling in u that u arent useful, and arent any good. i know.

u know i was bullied too when i was small. i remember that guy, he used to pin me against the wall. my mom would scold me for getting in fights with boys and so i learned to subdue myself (which was wrong).

i have gotten better. i can speak up to a taller guy in his face, and not loose my foot. i can talk to anyone, old or young, and i dont feel fear, though i still need to improve a lot more.

well lets see, what did i do. i started writing my feelings in a journal, that helped to clear and progress my thoughts. then i read about depresdsion and self-esteem and read how it was due to the childhood abuse. i was very angry and depressed at that time.
then i did some therapy, that didnt help either.
i read a book "I'm OK, you're OK" by thomas harris (an old bestseller). that helped me too.

basically we need to understand ourselves, why we are where we are and then take action, accept ourselves for what we are. its a vicious circle, but you'll get out of it, i promise you. just dont stop trying.
honestly, you dont seem as hopeless as a person could be. i was abused physically a lot by my mother and i'm glad you were not atleast physically abused! I know verbal abuse and neglect hurts so much as well.
healing is possible, i know you can do it.
self-study, group therapy, expressing yourself to others like you, all these things will help you little by little (dont expect miracles). little by little you'll get out of the deep dark well you were born into.

i have no friends either (even now). I dont have anyone i can call a friend. sure they're associates and people i know or my roomate, but i can never do things friends are supposed to do.
but then again, i'm reminded, i must heal myself first. when i've done that i know my world will have changed (its started to change already a little).

oh i also got some hypnotherapy. he gave me a tape to lsiten when i woke up and when i went to sleep. it was a VERy interesting expreince (pleasant i should say), though there were only 3/4 sessions. I felt it was no use and discontinued it.
but now i think of it and i beleive everything i did for myself to get better, helped me little by little. it was like continus hammering at the hard shell formed around my personality.
continous knocking will help you, even though its a vicious circle.
to do the things to imrpove our self-esteem we need energy and drive, but thats what we're trying to get! we need something to help us get what we dont have!

push yourself by force. give yourself praises.
do this for me: when you wake up every morning, say to yourself one positive sentence "I'm a good person"
"I'm a good boy" "I'm a nice guy"
"I can achieve what i want"
"I'm a good human being"
etc.etc!

some mornings, you will feel really stupid when you think of saying things to yourself. Thats fine. so dont do it EVERY day (it will lose its effect and become a useless robotic thing).
even that sentence wwhich you dont really feel like saying, or see any truth in it, will help to knock down that bad low self-esteem in you.

its going to be a slow process, VERY slow, but its possible, yes u can be happy. u can be the liberated free happy person you want to be.

(see how random my thoughts are written. thats one reason i cant make good conversation! heh).

If you can get away fromn your parents, thats one important step. you dont want to be abused or neglected.
Or if you can treat them just like roomates without being afraid of them turning you out, please do and live with them.

i'm reading this great book "HOmecoming" by John Bradshaw and so far its been great.

take care and hang in there, you'll be fine, i tell you.

November 14, 2001
9:40 pm
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I used to have a daily ritual saying. The first year I started college I was only taking 2 classes at a time. When I came home from class I would walk in and say "the end of another grueling day." in the same tone as I saw it in Brain Donors. Don't bother looking for it in the video store because it's not that great a movie, but that line always stuck with me. I stopped saying it after I began taking more classes and I really was exhausted at the end of the school day.

Another big problem I have is this lack of energy. Aside from hauling my ass to school on time every day, I just sit in front of the tv and do nothing. I find it hard to get off my lazy ass and walk upstairs just to take a leak these days.

November 14, 2001
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i get that! many times, i sit infront of the computer, postponing to take a leak as well!
i take short naps to refresh my mind,that helps, but only gives me more energy to spend more time infront of the computer. hah.
pretty tough eh, but we'll get there.

u know i forgot to say that when you just wake up in the morning, that time is very special, not like in the day time.
u are just getting out of your sub-concious. its like jumping on a merrigoround which has only one seat so you have to do it at that time.
when you just open your eyes and sit on the bed before getting up, your mind is fresh, and more open to any ideas, like in an operation threater. then later, you gain conciousness and your normal denial mechanisms start working which block your mind as compared to what it was in the morning.
so when u wake up, say the good encouraging words to yourself at THAT time. just one sentence, everynow and then (dont make it into a ritual, which loses its appeal).
"I'm a good person"
"I'm a nice person :)"
(smile at urself sometimes and sometimes give yourself a pat on the leg and try to feel good about yourself only for those 5/10 seconds when you wake up)
its slow and sometimes you might think "this is stupid! and useless", but its not. but it will work.
(not a big deal you know, just one sentence in the morning every now and then even when you dont feel like it, do it.)

November 15, 2001
10:33 am
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Oh, Silence! I do feel for you.... I *really* do.

I attended school in the South during integration...and I got to know what it was like to be a hated minority...and half the size of most of my classmates...in 6th grade! Having six kids twice my size hate me for no understandable/obvious reason and beat the crap out of me for it was a real hard thing...and, just as you say, "it was my problem alone." I was repeatedly told, "fight your own battles." I was almost raped many times throughout my adolescence...in my school hallways, in the street outside my home, anywhere I hung out, it seemed. Telling parents only had their anger aimed at ME! (Their son would never do that! I must have egged him on! I am nothing but trouble!) It seemed like all of the adult figures in my life were not interested in hearing about my personal safety problems. The school counselor even told me to "hang on 'til graduation!" (when it wouldn't be HIS problem anymore.) I was the top student in my class! A class leader! Someone they DIDN'T have to manage with discipline problems from "the poor part" of town!They wanted to hear glory...they loved my firey political speeches, but they just didn't want to deal with the realities of my hardships.

I abandoned 4 full university scholarships to leave the United States to get away from this crazy situation...23 years ago.... The crap I was taught in civics class about how the US has human rights laws to protect Her People didn't seem to include me...even though I was BORN there! My decision to leave the US came from intense anger about abusers getting rights and privaleges that I could never get until I turned 18 (I graduated at 17)led me to think that just moving across the state or even the country to go to college was NOT going to be far enough. I had to get totally away from the entire scene and the people in it in order to begin to claim a life for myself!

I am now in my 40's and most of the people that directly affected me then are dead. (And I didn't kill them, either!) It was hard claiming my life in the beginning. I worked some tough/crap jobs...washing dishes, waiting tables, picking fruit, cleaning hotels, night shift stocking.... Eventually, I applied to and got accepted to university...and I am now working on my fifth college degree! Within the next decade, I will be a professor....

Some people that hear my story think I wasted a lot of time in my early years...but I don't think so. I needed to get away and claim my life for ME! I went on some GREAT adventures...finding little pieces of myself along the way...and being absolutely DELIGHTED to see these wonderful things I never knew about myself.

Today I am happily married and have a daughter. I have become the parent I WISH I had when I was her age. I enjoy that kid so much! I have been sharing my adventures with her through her whole life...taking her *with* me when I do things...even if other people stare and mumble about how I "had the gall to bring a small child to this art performance!" She is in high school now...and I have been given the unofficial "coolest mom" award there...ehehe

When I was 25, my life was in chaos...and I was taking art classes....and I accidentally became pregnant with my child....

Hang in there and keep trying to claim your life! There are so many wonderful things about you that you have yet to discover...and you probably need to go it alone for a while to make the space to find these.

Don't be afraid to live cheaply...thrift shops can be treasure shops! Don't have a phone for a while. No one can call you! Find out where the nearest public library is when you happen upon the place you choose to grow in...get internet hooked up there...and only write to who you want to write to...and only read what you want to read...discard the rest.

Be the boss of your own life! GET the privacy you need. Find the love you need...first within yourself...and then others won't be able to resist you! Trust me on this one! 😉

You are on life's greatest adventure...and with no responsibilities to anyone but yourself!

I double dog dare you to love yourself! ha!

Hugs.....Scherza

November 15, 2001
5:14 pm
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silence
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OK. from now on when I wake up I'm going to say, "Today I'm not going to f*ck up more than yesterday." I should at least be right some of the time.

November 15, 2001
9:56 pm
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One thing I know is, it takes an incredible amount of energy to stuff things inside....and we wonder...why...we are so tired. How long have you been stuffing all this anger? When you get that figure, you'll understand why you are so tired. And when you unbrainwash yourself about "who you are" - that isn't linked with how you were treated in your household, you'll find alot of energy at your disposal that is about "you" and your wellbeing.

November 16, 2001
6:13 pm
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I love those life stories from other people. For some reason I like to listen to other people like this. I think I feed off of other's pain in some strange twisted way. That was my favorite part about dating the girls from group therapy. When I'd hold them for a few hours while they told the horrors of their lives. Although I have to say I hate hearing, "I feel like I can tell you anything." That's one line that always led to bad news for me. I just wanted the stories.

I've been angry ever since I started puberty... if you want to find a diving point. Before that I was just depressed. But when I started high school, I just got a lot more pissed off and flew off the handle more easily. I've punched wuite a few holes in the walls of my house during those years. Again, my parents ignored it until after I was hospitalized.

November 17, 2001
11:06 pm
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silence
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Anyway. enough about my parents. Next tuesday I am going to ask that girl out in my morning class. If I don't do it now... I'm never going to. For the past 3 weeks I've been able to talk to her before class for about an hour each day. I think I'm comfortable enough around her to do this now. And hopefully she's more comfortable around me and won't say no so easily. I work slow, but I work hard.

November 17, 2001
11:37 pm
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Silence,

Im so sorry u had to go through this. I can truly understand being bullied by kids & having adults gang up on you because I'm a man who has gone through it before & it really hurts believe me I know. You've almost made tears come to my eyes because I really feel your pain & trust me, I know the hurt you are feeling right now. The only thing is that fortunately my home life was not abusive, but loving & that's what got me through a lot of the pain. You be encouraged, things are gonna get better. I really feel for you, really I do, I just wish I knew the right words to say. It's gonna be all right.

November 18, 2001
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It's ok. These days nothing happens around here. Minimal contact with both parents and strangers. I have isolation on my own terms so I don't have to worry about getting the shaft anymore. Of course this is also why I don't have a job or that many friends, and why I am still in school at 25, but you have to take the good with the bad.

November 18, 2001
10:05 pm
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scherza
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Just closing your eyes and saying you are not going to F*ck up anymore than yesterday is a START, I suppose....

Really, you would do better to F*ck up a lot MORE than yesterday and KEEP F*cking up until something starts to work for you.... You are in a rut...finding and trying some new and better ways to F*ck up is a way to eventually break out...!

Get out and find new ways for creative expression! Your anger needs a place to go besides inwards.

When I was 24, I had a best friend and lover that was murdered in cold blood and no one seemed to care and I was so locked up inside that I could hardly speak. I spent days on a coffin-sized canvas...with black and poppy red acrylic paint...and shreds of blue jeans and t-shirt...ripped to pieces in my rage...I fished out blonde hair from a hair brush I found while digging through a dumpster one night and plastered it onto this canvas. My teacher freaked out when I finished it and gave me a long talk about "proper perspective." I grabbed my painting from the local library display and dragged it 25 miles to one of the four spots on the beach where her bones were found after a hurricane. I burned it there...a requiem to a street girl.... A few weeks later, I was nominated for an award for my painting by the local artists guild. It was really hard to tell them that I burned it. I was sorry for doing that...but it was such a catharsis for me...a conceptual art form that only I and the spirit world shared the night I burned it on that beach. A memorial cremation of tragedy...a place to help me let go and move on with my life...BETTER than getting local art kudos for wierdness.

I think that you are wasting your youth in self-imposed isolation. If you keep that up, you will be an old man someday with no memories to enjoy about any fun you ever had while you were young. This is a personal choice. You are choosing to do this. Remember that.

"Welcome to the damned human race." -Mark Twain

November 18, 2001
11:34 pm
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Silence,

I've been where u r b4 u can do it. I have good friends now b/c I took a chance & spread my wings. You are in a cocoon right now. Open up, spread those wings & release that butterfly that lies within you. Let me give you a scenario that may help. When a storm comes, the eagle can already see it coming long b4 it hits. So when he sees it coming, he sets his wings at a certain position so that when the storm comes, the winds that cause the storm will carry him above it. While the storm rages here below, the eagle floats safely above it. Use your past storms 2 lift u up just like that eagle. I read that somewhere & it made sense 2 me. Hope it helps u.

November 19, 2001
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Ack!. I was never good with these internet phrases. OK. SO I need to fly above the storm? I'm working on it. First I want to get through this week with my snaity intact. Here I am trying to get my first date in 7 years, start editing my movie, and study for midterms all before a stressful family get together for thanksgiving. I hate family get togethers. Fortunately, my oldest sister is pregnant with her first child, so I'm not going to get much crap about when I will settle down. Woo hoo, now the grandparents have something else to think about.

November 19, 2001
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silence
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damn. I'm already going insane. Midterms were last month. I meant finals. End of the semester came way too fast this term.

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