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Why DON'T YOU F'en LEAVE??
May 24, 2005
2:48 pm
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feelingused
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Thats what my sweet hubby had to say to me.... I'm sick of you, I'm done with you, I hate you, I want a divorse, and you are very selfish.....

hhhhaaaaa!! can you believe that!!! He had to say that I am very selfish!!! He's sick of ME!!! OMG.....

I really don't think he realizes what he has done to me and our girls and keeps on doing!!!! He drinks when ever he can, no matter how much I beg him not to... He would be gone for 8hrs and won't even tell me where he was or who he was with!!! I'm supose to just deal with it... But I'm selfish!!! He was gone over night the other day, and I'm supose to believe he slept in his truck at the job site!!! HA.. He was kissing major bu-ttay the next day, and swore he's done with drinking and that he realizes what a good woman he has. and that he wants to change... ok... What 2days later he's back to sneaking off and I'm supose to DEAL with it.... I'm supose to trust him... He tells his friends and family I don't give him his "needs", I'm like OMG,, when I heard that I freaked out!!! 2 or 3 times a week to an asshole is toooooo much!!! But I do to keep the peace...

Why the heck can't I say, "Ok, you want a divorse, here you go, you got it baby!!!", why can't I say enough is enough and mean it instead of freaKING out about being even more alone without him!!!?...

As I re-read what I wrote, this is one screwed up life I lead!!! I know if I was someone else reading this I would say, "Girl get outta there, get a life!!"

I'm a 39yr old woman that has NO clue when to give up on a 23yr old abusive relationship!!!! What a loser am I!!!!

Sorry for this I had to vent.... Its raining outside and I know what he does when it rains!!!!!! doesn't work, he DRINKS... I get sick to my stomach when it rains...

May 24, 2005
2:52 pm
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lollipop3
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Dear feelingused,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there and I have to tell you.....

YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!!!!!!!

Repeat after me....I am not a loser...I am not a loser...I am not a loser.

Say it until you believe it girl.

((((HUGS TO YOU))))

Lolli

May 24, 2005
2:54 pm
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2bstrong
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hey there, friend.

First things first--sending big hugs your way. You vent all you want. We've all been there at some point.

You aren't a loser. You might finally be fed up, but you're not a loser.

Change doesn't come easy. It's painful and ugly and takes a hell of a lot of courage. It's not what we think it will be, and it comes at times that we least want it, and least expect it.

Do you want out of your relationship? Is that what I hear you saying? It sounds like you are at that point--or at least ready to step away. Is there a counselor you can talk with?

2bstrong

May 24, 2005
3:05 pm
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second hand rose
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You are not a loser. You are in an abusive relationship and we have all been there and some of us are still there to one degree or another.
You need to get some help for you and your kids.
He will get well with or with out you and you need to do the same.
He is mentally ill. Substance abuse is a mental illness. But you can not fix him.
You can only get help for you and the kids.
Call your local mental health board or womans shelter. If you have a supportive family take the kids and go for a few days to get some perspective.
YOU ARE NOT A LOSER !!!

May 24, 2005
3:56 pm
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aasso9
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OH WOW!!!! i know exactly how you feel because i go through the same thing on a daily basis. and its not that you want to leave him, cuz i know i dont want to leave mine. i love my husband. and to me giving up on someone that i love is just wrong. i wouldnt give up on my kids and leave them hanging if they had problems. why would i do it with him? and it sure as h3ll would suck if he left me hanging if i were to have a problem. i would want him to stick by me and help me as much as he could. thats what love is, right?
its like theres some magic button somewhere that you havent found yet, that you can push and make the drinking and all the Bull sh__t stop. im waiting for that button to appear too.
and it just seems that easy, right? if you can sit at home with the kids and not drink and not do stupid crap, then its just that easy for him to do it too, right? but why wont he? how can he say "i love you baby", and turn around and not give a crap about your feelings?? why is it that you know what a marriage should be like, but he refuses to see it that way??
is leaving him the right answer?? the right thing to do?? will that change the way i feel? will it change him? will it just make it harder on everyone?? what will my kids think of me if i stay? what will they think of me if i go??
i know how you feel....i think....am i even close here?? am i right?? are we connecting??
if not.....**hides tail between legs**

May 24, 2005
6:20 pm
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InPainZHT
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LOL! SELFISH?

Oh, I can relate to THAT remark. My partner called ME selfish... for not wanting to be awoken at 11:30pm at night and being told to leave because the ex-jerk wanted to come by THEN to visit the children (3 and 5 years old, asleep in bed, school the next morning)... the ex-jerk hates my guts and can't stand me; he seemed to want to come by near midnight several times "because he wanted to visit the children", and my girlfriend would call me selfish and accuse me of trying to keep the children from seeing thier father (physically abusive, emotionally void and well-known user daily of crystal meth).

Yep. I was selfish. Keep in mind he had parental rights laid out in divorce papers, in black and white, and she saw to it he got them whenever he wanted to (which was only half the weekends granted to him).

*stupidity meter flying off to the red again*

InPain

May 24, 2005
7:09 pm
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lollipop3
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I too, belong to the ranks of selfish.

"Me, me, me....it's all about you"

That's what I hear evertime I ask him to take my feelings into concideration, to not call me names, to put himself in my shoes...etc.

Everytime he tells me I'm not meeting HIS needs. I don't cook (literally right after I've just cooked), I don't like to do the things he likes to do (after I just finished watching SportsCenter to see the highlights of the game we just watched). I'm selfish for wanting to watch movies in MY apartment instead of HIS(I live one flight up from him....I am a smoker and he doesn't allow me to smoke at his house!)

It's all about me, me, me!

May 24, 2005
7:26 pm
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codep
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I'm sorry for your heartache, I know to how it feels, I was in an abusive relationship with my husband but only for 6 years. It was so hard to leave and so hard to stay. It took a lot of crying and thinking and praying to get myself out of that situation. No matter what people tell you or what you know is rational to do, you always hope that things will change and you hold on to that. You will make a decision to do what you feel you need to do when the time is right. Dont be hard on yourself, give yourself a lot of love and attention you deserve it, you deserve to be loved and appreciated no matter what anyone tells you. thank you for reaching out to us it's a great, positive step in the right direction, the answers will come to you, in the mean time dont ever be down on yourself, it's not your fault, you cant control his actions but only your reaction. continue to tell yourself that YOU are WORTH love and appreciation.

May 25, 2005
9:18 am
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CAMER
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((sorry for your pain))) and don't you hate it when HE himself is selfish, and then he calls you selfish!!! wow, he doesn't have a clue!

I guess the only thing he can do is get back to working and cut back or stop the drinking.

You are a good person and do not deserve to be treated in this way by someone who does nothing to improve the relationship, enough is enough!

Know that my prayers are with you and know that you are a good person and deserve the very best in life!!!!

((camer)))

May 25, 2005
10:21 am
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starshine
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Feelinused,
It's amazing, I do think all alcoholics read from the same hand book (as Lollipop3 pointed out!). I have always dreaded beautiful, sunny days because that's when the BF would take off on the Harley and disappear for a couple of days, or would grab his boating friends and whore around on the water! How sick was I that I would get physically sick when it was gorgeous out?!! My God, I missed sooo much! You are worth more than this, he is manipulating you, he is controlling you, and you are buying into it! Stop! You are so beautiful, you as a person are so precious, you deserve more than this. Remember that alcoholics NEVER take personal responsibility for their actions, they ALWAYS lay them on someone else's doorstep. Don't let him wipe his feet on you sweetheart, and remember, alcohlics have a right to drink themselves into their own graves, they don't have the right to bring you with them! Hold you head high, and maybe try an Al-Anon meeting. It helps, you will learn how to stop accepting responsibility for his actions. God Bless

Starshine

May 25, 2005
2:57 pm
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kathygy
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Your husband is jerking you around with crazy making behavior. I would tell him to get help with his drinking or I am leaving and mean it. You don't deserve this treatment. Love yourself enough to remove yourself from this destructive situation.

May 25, 2005
3:57 pm
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LouWho
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Dearest Feeling Used-

Today, you may feel stupid. You may feel like a loser.

But tomorrow.....

You will realize that you are not the number one biggest loser in the world...

You're number 2.

With much love-
#1

May 25, 2005
4:20 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Feelingused,

I agree with everyone here...especially 2bstrong's post.

a counselour is great idea.

as I've grown older I have come to learn an immutable fact..we ALL have problems and the only losers are those who ignore them and refuse to do anything. you are here venting, that is a start.

May 27, 2005
9:03 am
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feelingused
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Thank You so much my friends!

I have read and reread all your posts. I'm trying so hard to believe that there is a good life out there waiting for me!

I know God doesn't punish people, we do in our own mind, BUT What have I done to deserve such a life of CRAP-O-LA??

I use to think it was just my man's drinking, but its not.... He thinks his bad thoughts of me with or without beer on his breath!! He gets these freaky eyes going when he gets home that actually scare me at times... He looks evil.. when I aproach him to say, "hi", I know to back off and just watch him. And to just wait for his thoughts to start coming out about me.. I don't know what he's "on" or "what" he does behind my back, because I simply do not "hang out" with the caracters he does. I can only wittness how he treats me and looks when he gets home. I feel sooooo darn hurt by his thoughts, it really confuses me on how I should react to such thoughts. I try soooo hard to just blow them off as being "Him".... but they are really getting to me. I find myself getting sicker and sicker when the time gets closer for him to be coming home. The eggshells are pricking my feet more and more. "is it Dr. Jeckel or Dr. Hyde today?", are MY thoughts. I know I should run from this realationship as far away as possible. ANY woman would be CRAZY to still be around a man like this... Right??

I know I'm also a sick person,, I know I have to be deprogramed from ALL this Crap I have been through, through my whole life... I hear it takes time... OKAY>>>>> How much more time can I possibly give????

I wish "that one" thing could happen, and it would be enough!! Would there ever be "that one" thing?? Am I just fooling myself?? I keep saying, "If he does it again, If I catch him, If he lies again, If If If.... Seems to be the word...

I hear of couples breaking up ALL the time for LESSER things going on in their relationship, but here I am,, the dumb ass that can't seem to know when the getting is good!!!!!!

I really feel it will be sooner than later,, SOON.... I've never felt this strongly about finally having enough of his crazy thoughts... I wish at times he would be back to beating my ass, instead of speaking his horrible words to me.... Atleast the bruises were on the outside and not the inside!!!!

May 27, 2005
9:26 am
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lollipop3
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Dear feelingused,

I can't tell you how much I understand what you are going through. Although my boyfriend (ex) has not been physical with me , he has become verbally abusive and because I HAVE been in a physically abusive relationship in the past it is a huge RED FLAG for me.

I can only tell you my story (the short version anyway) and hope that is helps.

I've been with b/f on and off for 3 1/2 years. We both drank alot and it caused major problems for both of us.

I decided to change my life (quit drinking, hanging around bars, went to al-anon and aa, returned to school, etc.) He too, quit drinking but refuses to get into a recovery program and his behavior has gotten verbally abusive.

During our relationship, I put up with sooooo much. The drinking, contradictions, irresponsiblility, letting him borrow money, car reposession, broken promises, lies...lies and more lies. He even went so far as to lie about the fact that he has a child. I just found that out a little more than a month ago (after 3 years!).

Each time, I thought this time will be different. It never was.

I gave him chance after chance after chance. I tolerated his mood swings, verbal abuse and cruel and cutting remarks in the name of recovery.

Last week was the last straw. He said something soooo horrible to me (see What was your breaking point for details) and I just had enough. Actually to be honest, I didn't have enough.....he apologized and I hesitantly accepted but all the while , stewing. Hating myself for allowing myself to be treated like that. So I spoke up. I told him,
"It's not okay...I don't want to be spoken to like that again, and furthermore....you are making me nervous with your hints of violence"

That was it....he told me if I was going to act like a clown to get out. He broke up with me and told me he wanted nothing to do with me. That I was crazy just like all the girls from his past and he wanted
nothing to do with me.

So here we are....6 days later.

Does it hurt.....yes.....did he do me a favor.....yes.

My point to all of this is....that unless HE wants to get help for himself and is truly commited to it....it will not change. There WILL always be a next time. Also, even if he does achieve sobriety, as mine did...that is no guarentee that things will get better. A hard pill to swallow, but true.

Only you can decide when enough is enough.

My suggestion to you is to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area. They are free and are for friends and families of alcoholics. Educate yourself...read as much as you can, Keep coming here, for the people here are a wonderful support system, which is sooo necessary for you right now.

Good luck to you....my thoughts are with you.

Lolli

May 27, 2005
9:35 am
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LittleKel
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Dear Feelingused,

I think the most disturbing part of your entire posting was that you called yourself a loser! None of us here are losers, we are people with problems that are trying to help ourselves and each other!

Don't be so hard on yourself!

May 29, 2005
3:11 pm
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balancesekr
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hi feelingused,

A better life is out there, we just need to have the courage to go get it. I can relate to you, I am stuck right now, I know I should take a break from the guy I am with, I know I need time to myself but I don't take it.

I am getting closer though, I can feel it. I think I will have the courage to walk away without beating myself up. I will tell him straight out what I am doing and why. Get myself back into counseling and work these issues out.

I have to ask, do you feel yourself getting closer to leaving? Wouldn't you feel better making the decision to leave, rather than things just totally falling apart? Do you believe life can be better? Do you see your part in making it get better?

I see it for myself. I let my last relationship go to shit, sort of. I didn't have all the control, but I blamed myself! I know now, that if I ever want things to change and not keep repeating my pattern, I must intervene and change myself.
balance

May 29, 2005
5:18 pm
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InPainZHT
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CAMER,

I loved your remark about being called selfish when the other person is doing so because he/her is the one that more accurately diserves the accusation.

In this case, with myself, her friends and family rallied around me and said that SHE in fact was the selfish one because nearly everything I did was selfLESS; I was one of the best things that came along for her and her children.... that by running me off the way she did, she was actually exhibiting problems of pure selfishness of her own. Perhaps she was just VERY flighty, too. Who knows.

Personally, I now think she's a complete NUT.

InPain

May 30, 2005
9:39 am
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feelingused
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Thank you everyone for your postings,

I'm trying to get by day by day...

With all these graduation parties going on, its been real hard pulling him away..

I just go to be the taxi, I know so many families that have a grad, but theres beer at each one... He's friends with alot of these "dads", so they all sit and drink. I'm the "wallflower", I wish, for once I could let my guard down and relax like everyone else. but I can't... I know if I did I could probably say some not so "nice" things, and thats NOT my personality. I'm "always" the, nondrinker, goodmommy, good wifeypoo. But still, I feel like the outsider.

I would love to just once, not worry about what "He" would say or do to me, if I did drink with everyone.. I wish I didn't have to put on a fake smile, even though I'm bored or wondering whats going to ahppen when we get home!!!!

May 30, 2005
8:16 pm
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lollipop3
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Feelingused-----

Have you been to any type of counseling? Not that I would encourage you to stay in an abusive relationship but I would encourage you to get some help for yourself before you make any major life decisions.

You've stayed this long...so unless you are at risk physically, it may do you some good to get help, work on yourself, make the decision to stay or leave based on action, not reaction.

Also, I understand you wanting to "let loose" like everyone else, but everyone else may not be in the same emotional state as you. Perhaps you should refrain from drinking and keep a clear head until you can come to a decision that is right for you.

I hope this helped....you're in my thoughts.

Lolli

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