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Why does this always happen????
December 30, 2005
8:32 am
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Anonymous
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Whenever I'm with a group of people, this happens. It happened last night.

For some reason I don't understand, I single out one woman from the group, even if we're just casual acquaintances. Get instant crush on her. Conciously avoid looking at or talking to her too much, although I listen from one ear to everything she says and glance at her furtively from time to time. Am enraptured if she looks at me, or talks to me. Am doubly enraptured if she glances at me furtively. Make it a point to talk to her every now and then.

Am jealous if she talks to another guy. Am extremely jealous if she hugs another guy. When I talk to another woman, I wonder if she's feeling jealous. Even if I'm engrossed in a conversation with others, she's never out of my mind for long. It's painful to leave when the evening is over because I don't want to leave her.

I don't feel this same way toward any of the other women in the group, only toward that one.

Has anybody else experienced this? Does anybody have any feedback to help me stop doing this? It's too painful.

December 30, 2005
8:43 am
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CAMER
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i can see where your coming from....but with me, i may see someone who i am attracted too, and seriously think about "what if i was married to this guy"....now thats "thinking" way too far for me. But i do this often and i don't even know the person.......it just shows how our minds can think.

With you, maybe you are just getting a crush on women, b4 knowing them, and possibly trying to fill a void within yourself, and picture these women as your gf......trust me, you are not alone in this thinking, i think at some point we all do it.

December 30, 2005
9:02 am
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Camer,

Thanks for your input. I suspect the answer lies in learning how to let go of that crush as soon as it arrives. I think I saw a thread on getting over crushes a few weeks back. It's nice to know I'm not alone in doing this. Take care.

December 30, 2005
3:18 pm
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Matteo
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Hmm,

That reminds me my behaviour from when I was a teenager in a room full of people. I always looked if I like someone; sometimes I picked a conversation with them, sometimes not. But it wasn't painful in any way. It was over when the evening was over.

How about you are missing someone significant in your life?

December 30, 2005
3:40 pm
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Anonymous
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Its sounds to me like you're afraid to make a move on her. I know how you feel because I use to flirt with guys that I wasn't attracted to in order to avoid flirting with the guy that I was attracted too. Just fear.

I don't do that anymore. My advice, make a move. What do you have to lose? The better question is--what will you gain???

December 30, 2005
4:14 pm
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Rasputin
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Seek,

Do not feel guilty! Crushes happen with all of us. I get them when I am attracted to someone, but they are not necessarily an indication of true sentiment tho the opposite can be be true as well.

So, go for it. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Keep us posted!!!

~Ras~

December 30, 2005
4:31 pm
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Anonymous
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You have to try. Attraction is a very powerful thing, you can handle it!!!

December 30, 2005
4:50 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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Hi Seek,

I've done this type of thing with some women, too.

Part of it is avoiding rejection. I am always sure that any woman I find attractive is too good for me - and she knows it.

Part of the subtext, for me, is about putting her on a pedestal. I think I want to elevate the woman I'm attracted to, essentially, because it makes her special and different - in my perception. To a degree, edification is great - it's easy for me to take it to full on worship. It's a lot less work to worship her than to accept her as a flawed human being. (It sure is easy for this mindset to backfire!)

I also have a need to believe that I am attracted only to "superior" women. It's a way to pre-compensate for my flaws and weaknesses. Instead of changing myself, I have had the tendency to seek out women who play in to my delusions of grandeur.

December 31, 2005
3:36 am
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Anonymous
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Thanks everybody for your input. More specifically:

Matteo -- You say you used to do this yourself. How did you get over it?

In fact, I am missing someone special in my life. My wife and I have been separated, and I have given up all hope of ever getting back together again, after holding out hope for so long.

By the way, I think I've figured out the answers to the other questions I asked on the other thread. I think I just hit some sensitive issues with you, is all. We've been having good posts lately.

Mimi -- Unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to make any moves. First, it was a social event with members of my CoDA group, and I'm not supposed to do the 13th step (hitting on members of the group). Second, I'm not yet legally divorced. Until then, I'm unavailable and have no business dating anybody.

Rasputin -- Thanks for your encouragement, but please see my reply to Mimi for an answer to you.

Philmore -- Good to hear from you. I think in my case, I just want to belong with one certain woman. In groups, people are constantly shifting their attention to others and re-forming little subgroups. I just want some stability, is all. Somebody to be able to return to, and who will be able to return to me.

January 1, 2006
4:08 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks to all your answers, I've found the answer to this problem. I've been singling out one woman and pretending that she's mine, and I'm hers.

To answer is to stop doing this, plain and simply. It's not complicated.

January 1, 2006
4:14 pm
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Matteo
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seekerw,

Whoa! What a good start! Things are resolving by themselves so easily! 🙂

Have a Happy New Year!

January 1, 2006
11:47 pm
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Matteo,

Thanks! Now the trick is to remember how simple the solution is! Take care, and Happy New Year, too {sound of party horns tooting}!

January 2, 2006
12:14 am
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Seek,

I can interface with a team, but I'm most comfortable, most effective I think, one on one.

What you describe above could easily be my private thoughts...Easily!

I'm curious, are your crushes usually over in a few days or do they linger?

What kills the crush? Common factor? Varying factor?

Is the reason for the death of a crush usually about her or you?

January 2, 2006
1:37 pm
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Philmore,

How interesting to hear someone admit to thinking about his wife/g/f like this!! Makes perfect sense.

Who would want to say they are in love with a "dog"? No, she's really special, in all the ways an ideal woman would be.....

I have to reverse genders for asking myself "why" my H and I were attracted, but this gave me insight -- we both saw someone "different", "apart", not to mention serious sexual attraction. And each also sees/saw someone with abilities, qualities, attitudes, that were maybe deficient or absent in themselves.

Remember Popeye? "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam."

If it's mutual love and admiration (even if the rest of the world is judgemental and does NOT think your lover is all that), doesn't it then become real and not delusional? I mean, if we BOTH think he's great and that works for BOTH of us, where's the damage? (We both think I'm great too!)

Isn't the "worship" angle (ignoring any flaws) as loving as the "accepting" angle (inspite of the flaws)? Taking note of the flaws without judging or criticising is the goal, right?

And I love your line about her superiority pre-compensating for your flaws......so you don't have to work on yourself. Just a very pointed statement. Thank you.

In the beginning, I swear to God, I would spot him all the way across campus and feel a jolt of electricity in my body. It was the same for him! Lots of people NEVER have that intensity in their relationship. We came away from that, but it was THAT GOOD that the memory of it helps maintain our love. So was that "worship"? or just "lust"? How you gonna become a couple with somebody if you don't feel that initial "crush"? Who doesn't LOVE that meeting of the eyes across a crowded room? ESPECIALLY if it's impossible and has to remain your pretend fantasy....

Objectifying. You can indulge it, or control it.

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